How to share the news...need advice

JessElam

My best friend and her husband have been trying very unsuccessfully to have a baby for years now. Her baby sister recently announced that she's expecting and while know she is so happy about being an auntie again, it also hurt that her baby sister is having a baby before she can. I haven't told her about us yet and I just don't know the best way to tell her because I don't want to upset her even more. This may sound silly and some may think I'm making a bigger deal than I should. But I want to be very respectful of the fact that while she is going to be happy - it's also really going to sting.

Have any of you been in this boat (either side)? Any suggestions for telling best friend who wants a baby so bad and can't that I'm pregnant again?

MrsT2008

No personal experience, but I've seen this brought up a lot on my local board and the general consensus is to tell her via email so that she can have the immediate reaction she has without worrying about hurting you in the process.  Most TTTCers say it helps because they can cry, scream, whatever without having to hold it together face-to-face.

Good luck!

rrrowe15

My gut instinct would be to go to her house and talk to her.  Explain to her that you understand that she loves you but this news might be hard for her.  Tell her that you want her to be as involved as she can be in the process and that you will try to respect her feelings and not be all about the baby when you are with her.  I think she is going to surprise you.  She wants you to be happy, she just wants to be in your shoes too.

talkthewholetime

I'm in the same boat - my sister, who I'm extremely close with has been struggling for 4 years. 2 brutal ivf fails, the whole nine. We got married in December, and preggo the first try.

The best advice is to tell her either through someone or not in person. It sounds wrong, but my sister knew her first response wouldn't be joy, and she didn't want me to see that. I didn't want to punch her in the face and have her pretend it didn't hurt. My mom told her for me. The next day she came over with a onesie. Which I know was so hard for her, but she needed time to process it. If you don't have anyone, consider writing her a letter - tell her everything you feel, and let her know you know this is hard for her. The last thing I wanted to do was ambush my sister. Good luck! I know how awful and hard this can be.

soylatte

I've been on the receiving end of this news - we have been ttc for 6 years (and hope this one sticks!!!). It actually broke my heart when my brother's wife told me - not because she was expecting, but because she proceeded to tell me she was AFRAID to tell me and felt so bad about it!!! I have had a few good friends with the same scenario and it makes me more sad that they were hurt that they may hurt me. I love my family (well, most of them anyways) and have told them and friends - PLEASE never be afraid to tell me your good news, I am overjoyed for you. Does it sting? Of course. But it's not about me. I'd tell her face to face when you are ready - NOT through someone else or email. Trust me.

ecinereb

Tell her by email or text so she has time to process the information, tell her you know it's hard for her and that you'll respect how she has to deal with it. Yes it'll be hard for her so doing it in person makes it harder because she'll 'put on a happy face' no matter what she is feeling. Give her time to take it in. Also don't expect her to listen to you talk about being pregnant. Try to talk about other things when you do get together or let her bring up pregnancy discussion.

monimu13

This is my personal experience, in person was not the best way for me to find out these things. Although I wouldn't want my family to be afraid, I would've rather been told news like this over the phone or a text so that I could have time to process and cry without making the other person feel uncomfortable. Good luck!

krlovell

My big sister had a hard time getting pregnant and I much younger and only being married for a couple months got pregnant before her. I knew it would upset her but that she would also be happy for me. So I made a point of telling her first, face to face alone. I wanted her and her husband to have time to process, accept it and be okay before parents or family friends mentioned it or said something to them meaning well but possibly hurting their feelings. Definitely do it face to face, email/text is so impersonal and at the same time if you care about this person you should want to be there for them even if it is your big moment.

Good luck I know it's not easy!!

chillypenguin

My best friend has been trying to get pregnant for the past few years. I had a little bit of trouble getting pregnant with DD, and we used to meet up for dinner once a month and just vent about TTTC. I was so worried to tell her I was pregnant, but she was awesome. I told her on the phone, and I think that was a good mix of still being personal, but also gave her a little bit of space. She was amazing my whole pregnancy, and still is, she loves my DD.

Now, I am really worried about telling her I am pregnant again, so I am in the same boat as you. She just started meeting with an RE, and she is really excited about her possible treatments, but I am just struggling with the right way to tell her this time. I know she will be excited again, but it's just hard.

JessElam

Thanks everyone! Unfortunately she lives over 3 hours away so phone, text, or email are the best ways to communicate. This is all very good advice and I really appreciate the help!!

ABColeslaw

This is what I have to share, take what you want from it.  It took me years to get pregnant.  Everyone and their mother was getting pregnant all around me.  I was throwing baby showers for people and it was depressing.  That said, my best friend and my sister are people I would never want to hide something huge from me.  And I would have been upset if they were tiptoeing around me.  I wanted to know, and I was happy for both of them.  Don't tip toe, be honest and just tell her.  She is going to feel worse if she thinks you are feeling bad for her. 

JessElam

Thank you Coleslaw...that does help.

Ziegeficker

I would tell her in person if you can. Since she lives so far away, use whatever means you normally use to communicate with her. I wouldn't want people I love hiding good news from me like some of the PPs. My only advice would be to steel yourself for any reaction, give her space and understanding should you sense she needs it, and let her know that any reaction from her is acceptable. Tell her you love her and want her included in your good news but that you respect the situation she's in and don't want to hurt her. Encourage honesty, and expect that she might not be super thrilled at first...but that she'll come around.