Frustrated and not sure what to do (loss mentioned)

norbert5

A few days ago a very close family friend passed away (she was like an aunt).  Wednesday is the funeral and I am just so frustrated because I can't figure out a way to get to the funeral that is 7 hours away (driving).

I am too late in the pregnancy to fly.  The train schedule is ridiculous.  I could drive BUT the biggest issue is DH getting the time off because he is in the middle of an emergency clean up and it would be nearly impossible for him to get away for the time it would take us to drive.  I would go by myself but I really don't want my girls going to the funeral (they are 2 and 3) and DH doesn't want me that far away from home this late in pregnancy especially without him. 

I am just frustrated because I want to show my support to the family.  Growing up we spent every Thanksgiving together and even went on vacations together.  Their kids are the same age as me and we still spend time together when we can.  Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do?  I would love to do something but not sure.  We did talk about DH trying to take a day off and fly down there to represent the family, but he is really not comfortable being that far away from me right now.

This is definitely not the send flowers situation but I would like to do something, especially for my lifelong friends that just lost their mother.

yesthisiskim0401

I think your family would be very understanding if you couldn't attend. I, personally, would not drive that far with 2 young children in my 37th week of pregnancy. I took DD1 to a funeral last year for my cousin and I had very conflicted feelings on taking her but I'm glad I did - she brought so much joy to people who needed it the most. So if your DH can get the time off I wouldn't think twice about taking your two children.

I wish I had some ideas on what you could send to show your support but I am coming up empty. I am very sorry for your loss. 

elllaf

I am so sorry

I don't have any advice unfortunately. Your and YH's concerns are all valid. It is definitely a tricky situation. Have you spoken to your friends to see what they say?

pmarie33

Skype? FaceTime?
I know it's not an ideal solution, but I'm not sure you have too many other options.

norbert5

I have called but haven't gotten an answer or a return call yet.  I know that things have been pretty hectic down there with arrangements and other things.

DH is going to see if he can work something out for him to take the time off but it is not looking great because he just took an entire week off last week.

Everyone would be more then understanding about me not being there.  They are both young mothers themselves.  If I can't make it down there I would like to do something for them but with my completely fried pregnancy brain I can't think of anything.

hartsl01

I'm so sorry

As far as something a little different from flowers, my mom received a blanket from a good friend when my grandpa passed. It has the saying 'footprints in the sand' (it is a spiritual saying, so I'm not sure if it applies). But it was sent to the funeral home and is something my mom still has to this day. I know my mom had also sent a stepping stone for my great aunt when she lost her daughter. My aunt likes to garden and so she has it out there.

babygiantquest

I just wanted to offer my condolences.  I'll be keeping you all in my prayers.  As far as what to do if you can't make it, I really like PP's stepping stone idea sent with a heartfelt letter, followed by a visit when you are able.

norbert5

I do like the idea of sending a small gift and going down when we can. We will be traveling for Christmas maybe we can get together with them then.

DH mentioned doing something now for them. Like a dream dinner gift card so that they won't have to worry about food for a week or so.

kimbo1216

Seven hours is just too far this late in the game. I'm sure they will understand. Since you can't go and obviously can't do the traditional make a meal and take it over thing, could you maybe have dinner brought to them one night by their fave restaurant or something?

I know it seems silly, but not having I worry about food during times like that is always nice.

babygiantquest

I hadn't even thought about food, but that's also a great route to go.  When my FIL died, poor MIL could barely remember to eat, let alone make something.

germanpickle

I live in Germany, far away from family and friends from my childhood. So I totally understand.

I usually call or send a short email when I learned that someone has passed. On the day of the funeral, if someone else that I know is going, they include me in their flowers or card. About 30-60 days later, I send through flowers or a small gift. Most people move on around that time period, but it also the time period that many people who have lost someone enter into depression, so I try to send some support.

For my sanity, I put a reminder into my calendar. Sorry for your loss!

norbert5

@ntrick, you are so right about the 30-60 day timeframe. Definitely going to put a reminder in my phone to do something then.

My mom and uncle are able to go so I will get them to include me on their card.

Kittymom6

When my FIL died last year, my DH's co-workers sent food. I don't know where you are, but a couple of grocery stores in their area deliver hot meals and platters. A friend of mine sent us a food basket when we got back home. Someone else dropped off homemade cookies, which were amazing.

I think that a heartfelt letter with memories or a photo they might not have would be nice. Also, there's probably a lot of focus right now on the family, but you can check in on them in a few weeks when some of the intensity of the situation has passed but they are still reeling.

I'm sorry for your loss.

SnoopyLuv

My father passed away a few weeks ago. I am very close with quite a few of my relatives. Had they been super pregnant - I wouldn't have given it a second thought that they weren't there. Honestly, I was so wrapped up in my own grief that I wouldn't have noticed if anyone was there or not. Call and text that you're there for them, and then leave it be. They will be inundated with food right now, so I'd wait to send that. We had to throw so much out and it was awful.

I agree with PP that checking on them later is more important than being there for the funeral. No one has asked me how I'm doing recently and it hurts.

tmccord21

I'm sorry for your loss.

Also @snoopyLuv I'm sorry for your fathers passing as well.

norbert5

@snoopyluv, thank you for sharing. I am so sorry about your father.

SnoopyLuv

Thanks guys, sorry to be a Debbie Downer.

norbert5

@snoopyluv, feel free to share all you want. I imagine losing a parent is one of the most difficult things to go through. You most definitely aren't being a Debbie downer.

MrsMommyQ

I think sending food is a great idea. You might want to wait till after the funeral and send it in a week or so when everyone has gone back to regular ilfe. That way it won't get lost in the shuffle and you know it'll get eaten

Roseallen112

I would send a Mass card (if they're catholic) and send food. People will be stopping by and it would be nice to have stuff to put out that they didn't have to go out to get. My condolences on your loss.

layali

Sending food is a wonderful idea.

norbert5

So it looks like there is a dream dinner place near their house. So I am going to do that.

My mom is going to pick it up and take it to them. So they can eat it now or freeze it and cook it later. I also put a reminder on my calendar to send something in a month or so.

Starofd00m

Oh wow I'm so sorry you can't be there....maybe a telephone call and having some food catered and delivered to their home so they don't have to cook??

ranaverde

I am so sorry. 

I agree that food and a letter would be a good idea.  I also agree that doing something for them a few weeks or months from now would also be kind; people get a lot of attention during the early stages of mourning someone, but attention tapers off even though many people are still grieving.

Don't forget to take care of yourself, too.

skyla13

I'm so sorry for your loss I definitely second the handwritten note to see how they are doing in a few weeks, and maybe share a few favorite memories. It's overwhelming right now when everyone is thinking about it, but soon that will all dwindle, but the family is still grieving weeks, months, years later. Like another poster said, it hurts when everyone has appeared to have moved on.