Relationship with STBEH — The Bump
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Relationship with STBEH

Please don't judge me for the back and forth, but let me make one thing clear, under no circumstances do I want to get back together with my STBEH.  There's just too much hurt there, but I'm having trouble figuring out exactly what I expect from him and want as far as a relationship goes with him.  Last week I had an appointment and he came.  After the appointment was over he asked if I wanted to go to target, because I had mentioned needing more vitamins and the ones I can keep down are expensive.  After an uncomfortable appointment, I didn't want to go with him, but ironically I needed to go to pick up stuff for my sister for her birthday, so I said ok.  Through out the appointment and target he was acting like we were this happy couple, whose expecting a baby.  It was hard for me, because we're not.  When we were getting into our cars, he seemed upset that I said I had to get home and I had a very strong feeling he wanted to hug me.  To be honest if he hugged me I would have fallen apart and I didn't want him to see me that way.  I'm not sure how I wanted him to act, because it would have been just as hard if he was sad and pouty, but I can't help, but feel it's like he gets to have the best of both worlds.  He gets to be with the other women and me at the same time.  On the one hand we definitely need to be at a place where we can talk to each other concerning the baby, but I'm not sure if I want the rest of it.  After the appointment he called that weekend, because he had questions about the papers he was served for divorce (he refuses to get his own lawyer).  We talked for a while, then he texted me the next day about the FB game.  A couple days later I had called the insurance company and e-mailed him about the phone call, he then started texting and e-mailing me back, almost everyday.  I finally quit responding when the last e-mail was all about how he dreams about our baby and wants to hold and snuggle with her.  I don't know exactly how to handle this.  Like I said on some level I want to be friends per say, but I'm not ready to to dream about this baby with him, I long to on the one hand, but it hurts me at the same time.  I just feel confused and torn.  As always advice and thoughts are greatly appreciated, you've all been so nice and supportive and I appreciated your opinions.  
BFP 9/10/12 m/c 10/26/12 BFP 2/10/13 Blighted Ovum m/c 3/12/13 
Surprise BFP 4/15/13 Mark Anne Born 12/15/13 

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Re: Relationship with STBEH

  • I think you just need to step back and separate the emotions from everything else. Your emotions seem to be confusing you. Try to separate your feelings for him from your baby, and do what you feel is best for yourself and the baby. Remember that your little girl will be happier if you are happy than if you are miserable. He seems to be playing on your feelings toward him trying to manipulate you, so I would minimize contact with him just to make it easier to separate those feelings and sort things out. Nobody can tell you what's right for you and your little one, that's something only you know. 

    Good luck and I'm sorry you have to go through this.
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  • He sounds very confused. It sounds like he wants it both ways and he can't have that. He made his choice and you've made yours. You're the only person he can gush to about his pending fatherhood. You're the only person who's going to share his excitement in the same way. Why would his new GF want to hear about how he's so excited about the child he fathered with another woman, the woman he was and is still married to? The woman that I'm sure she sees as keeping her relationship with him from moving forward. She's not so he comes to you but that is not the type of relation ship you have because he chose not to have that relationship with you. If I were you I would set some hard boundaries with him. Tell him you're glad that he's supportive of the baby and that he's excited but with all the other emotions involved in your break up you can't share that with him. You appreciate knowing that is baby needs something he's going to be there to get it for the baby but that he chose his new GF as his emotional support system over you. He needs to lean on her for these things, not you.
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