Help! Advice on whether I should uninvite my mom to the baby shower

NancyB2013

This may be hard for some to understand, but I am considering uninviting my mom to my baby shower or canceling it completely. History: my mom and I are not close. I live a mile away from her. Try to see her once a week to be a decent daughter, but I limit my time to 2 hours per visit unless there is a family gathering. She is just difficult to be around because she displays extremely anxious and negative behavior. She offered to host my baby shower but initially only wanted to invite her friends. I didn't see the point of being in a room with a bunch of ladies I don't know, so I asked her to host one big baby shower with my friends included. She was horrified at first and asked me to help pay for it. Although I thought that was a little rude, I understand that she isn't financially well off. I was ok with something simple . . . And even then I agreed to help pay for it. I was very hesitant to even have her involved in the first place, but everyone advised me that I shouldn't throw my own shower, and I should let her do it to appease her. I only agreed because she was the only one who offered to host it and in the end I was planning to help pay and unfortunately doing all the planning as well. Why? Because my mom doesn't drive and doesn't know how to plan a party and has no access to the Internet and knows nothing about computers. So fast forward to today. My mom and I get into a big fight (reason is irrelevant. It just has to do with her negative behavior and anxiety), and it made me realize that I may have made a mistake in letting her "partially host" the shower. Being around her doesn't make me happy and whenever she is involved in anything she makes everything stressful. To give you an example. The day before my wedding, we were supposed to carpool to Palm Springs, but she had to go to the emergency room for a "pain" she was having in her chest. It delayed everything we had planned for the day. The doctors said they couldn't find anything wrong with her. I ended up leaving without her bc I knew it would be nothing. Probably an anxiety attack and she ended up inconveniencing a friend of hers to drive her 2 hours to my wedding. Drama. So. . . My question is. . . Do I cancel the shower? Do I keep the shower and disinvite her and her friends ( who I don't really know) and pay for everything myself? After our fight, I don't want to be around her and I just think she will make me stressed and I really do not have any interest in working with her to put together this party. Or do I pretend nothing happen and continue with our plans, which really isn't my style, but is an option I guess. I am not the type of person who cares what others think so I am ok and comfortable with most of the options I provided. My gut says to uninvite her, but a part of me thinks that is cruel. She doesn't need to know that I am continuing the party without her, so that is an option too. Or I can keep her, but ask her to be a guest and I will just take care of everything myself. Help!

snappyK

Your mom sounds a lot like my mom. I made the decision to stop tormenting myself years ago, and haven't spoken to my mom since (though we email occasionally). I've got to tell you, it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

If it is still possible, it might make sense to have two showers - one for your moms friends and one for your friends. That way your mom can have the satisfaction of throwing the shower she wants, but so can you.

If that's not an option, then I suggest you ask her not to come. It'll just make the whole event super stressful, and it's supposed to be fun!!

NancyB2013

lol...i didn't think there was anyone else out there like that!!! i think these events make me realize that I shouldn't try to make her a part of my life and expect her to be the mom i want her to be...i am creating my own misery but having the same expectations everytime....it is funny how when she was gone for a month out of the country on vacation, I was happy and stress free but the second she comes back my anxiety creeps up again.....she is like a virus..... oh well.....thank you for the advice...i have some thinking to do.