HTT: What should happen if one parent wants the baby and the other doesn't?

pandaglitter

Spinning off from the other thread, if one parent wants the child and the other doesn't, should the woman always get to choose? Obviously tricking someone into aborting a pregnancy that they wanted is disgusting and wrong...but what if the man wants the baby and the woman doesn't? Is it just as tragic for him if she chooses to go forward with an abortion when he wants to parent the child? One is illegal and one isn't, but either way, a baby that's was wanted by one parent is terminated.

I think it's a really complicated issue...I mean women shouldn't be forced to be pregnant and carry a child, but I think it's really sad that a potential father could want the baby and have no choice, since its her body. Whether a viable pregnancy is continued is for the most part entirely the mother's choice, but should the father have more say if he wants custody or should he just have to deal with losing his potential child because its not his body?

There's a real hot topic for you.

JuneBug86

quartermisses said:

I think I alluded to this in my response to the other HTT post (or, at least I was trying). I don't think there is really an answer here. There are just SO MANY issues that can come from this. Such as: he wants the baby right now, but will he still want the baby in 4 or 5 or 6 months down the road when abortion is no longer an option?

The only real "solution" I can come up with is: know your bedfellows. 

I have to agree 100% with this. Also, I think it depends on the situation because there would be so many factors in making a call on that.  

asilwhite

Woman's body = woman's choice.

pandaglitter

quartermisses said:

I think I alluded to this in my response to the other HTT post (or, at least I was trying). I don't think there is really an answer here. There are just SO MANY issues that can come from this. Such as: he wants the baby right now, but will he still want the baby in 4 or 5 or 6 months down the road when abortion is no longer an option?

The only real "solution" I can come up with is: know your bedfellows. 

&&use protection!

apritchett50

This was my friend and her husband. (Before they were married, and still pretty young). She wanted to do
adoption but he wanted to keep their son. He is now 4 and my friend still is a questionable mother. I mean he is well taken care of but, she is not motherly at all. She does not work and pretty much sticks him in front of the tv all day. He is enrolled in daycare(not preschool, eye roll) but she rarely "feels" like taking him. She has said if she could go back she would still choose adoption, that was a couple years ago, I don't know if she still feels the same. The father on the other hand is great with him and when he isn't working he's always with him, taking him everywhere. But anyway it's a sad situation. The boy doesn't mind very well and just seems a little behind in some things, which I'm sure is from his lack of socialization/preschooling and being stuck in a house all day. But back to the questions at hand.... I have no freaking clue!

nortonmol

I'll take your hot topic and raise it, what happens when the father raped the mother and wants joint custody or visitation? So awful.

emmylou78

It makes me sad when I watch TV shows about the mother putting the baby up for adoption, but the dad begging for custody.  Why doesn't he get the choice to adopt on his own?  I think its heartbreaking.

I don't really know if the mom is wanting to abort though and not carry the child at all.  It'd be a very difficult situation.

tmccord21

Her choice. He can change his mind last minute and then you're stuck with a baby you weren't prepared for. Like when people say they want to adopt and then jump ship at the end.  Did anyone see Juno?! I hate Jason Bateman every time I watch it.....

pandaglitter

nortonmol said:

I'll take your hot topic and raise it, what happens when the father raped the mother and wants joint custody or visitation? So awful.

Rapists and sexual offenders (besides the situations where like a senior dates a sophomore and there's a 3 year age difference, but its considered statutory rape and parents press charges) shouldn't be around children and should at the very most have supervised visits and pay child support. But I think that if the mother is raped, the father should have his rights taken away and be in jail, never contacting the mother again. For lesser charges I could see supervised visits MAYBE, but the vast majority of sexual offenders with jail sentences are in jail for a reason, and its not because they're good parents and should have custody of a child.

jennlin

my brother's ex gf aborted their baby that he wanted. honestly, i don't blame her--she was 16 (he was 18...maybe 19 at the time?), and it would've been devastating for them financially and emotionally. her parents said they would disown her/cut her off if she had the baby, my parents agreed to let them live with them, but my parents did not want any part in raising the baby, other than putting a roof over it's head.

she couldn't stand being cut off from her parents, so she aborted the baby...without telling my brother. my brother slit his wrists afterward, got "rescued" before jumping off a bridge, got tackled when he had a gun to his head...... obviously, my brother has bigger/other issues, but this is what triggered it and made him start his downward spiral. (and yes, he's been hospitalized, and been in therapy since this happened, over 10 years ago.....he's somewhat normal now).

ETA: the point of my story is---it's the woman's choice, but it really really really sucks.

SuperSecretStatus

I was/am in a similar situation. I didn't want anymore kids, and when I found out I was pregnant I was devastated. DH was disgusted that I would even contemplate termination, but there was SO much going on, and the last thing we needed was to throw another baby into the mix. Unfortunately, I caved and continued the pregnancy partially to preserve our marriage because I already knew that he'd never forgive me for "killing his child" (he's super pro-life).

sfshorter

The mother ultimately still has the option of adopting out the child if the father takes a walk.  I think men should have the choice as well, because we women expect the father to be there and contribute (financially, or however) once the child is born all too often, whether they wanted the child or not.  If this is the case, they should absolutely be apart of the decision to keep the child or not. Women should be more responsible for their bodies and their reproductive health, so abortions are not necessary in most cases.  If you aren't prepared to be a mother, then you need to abstain or get on reliable birth control.  I understand cases of rape or health issues that threaten the life of the mother are outstanding circumstances and do not fall under the same category.  The psychological implications of abortion on the mother are life long issues.  The most noble thing to do is to give the child up for adoption, not fix your "boo boo" by taking a viable life just because you weren't being responsible to start with.  I firmly believe two wrongs never make a right.    

After that essay that I'm sure most of you disagree with, I will say that I am for women's rights and that I do agree the choice is ultimately the mother's legally, for now.  Though I personally would never be able to make that choice, I don't judge those that do, I just wish for the day that these "mistake" babies are a less common occurrence because women proactively take responsibility for themselves, rather than in retrospect as with abortions.  It just saddens me, because not only is a potentially great human lost, but a piece of that women is lost too.  

Ycu2013

SuperSecretStatus said:

I was/am in a similar situation. I didn't want anymore kids, and when I found out I was pregnant I was devastated. DH was disgusted that I would even contemplate termination, but there was SO much going on, and the last thing we needed was to throw another baby into the mix. Unfortunately, I caved and continued the pregnancy partially to preserve our marriage because I already knew that he'd never forgive me for "killing his child" (he's super pro-life).

Wait, unfortunately?? Like you still regret it? I'm not trying to judge you...just curious.

sleepy33

sfshorter said:

The mother ultimately still has the option of adopting out the child if the father takes a walk.  I think men should have the choice as well, because we women expect the father to be there and contribute (financially, or however) once the child is born all too often, whether they wanted the child or not.  If this is the case, they should absolutely be apart of the decision to keep the child or not. Women should be more responsible for their bodies and their reproductive health, so abortions are not necessary in most cases.  If you aren't prepared to be a mother, then you need to abstain or get on reliable birth control.  I understand cases of rape or health issues that threaten the life of the mother are outstanding circumstances and do not fall under the same category.  The psychological implications of abortion on the mother are life long issues.  The most noble thing to do is to give the child up for adoption, not fix your "boo boo" by taking a viable life just because you weren't being responsible to start with.  I firmly believe two wrongs never make a right.    

After that essay that I'm sure most of you disagree with, I will say that I am for women's rights and that I do agree the choice is ultimately the mother's legally, for now.  Though I personally would never be able to make that choice, I don't judge those that do, I just wish for the day that these "mistake" babies are a less common occurrence because women proactively take responsibility for themselves, rather than in retrospect as with abortions.  It just saddens me, because not only is a potentially great human lost, but a piece of that women is lost too.  

OMG. So much judgmental BS, I hardly know where to start. I will just say that, years ago, I got pregnant while taking BC, by a man who was not supposed to be able to produce children (my current H, who is a testicular cancer survivor). Accidents happen, even when you are 'being responsible'. Look up the stats on who is getting abortions and how many and PLEASE recognize that NOBODY is using abortions as their primary method of BC. Anyone who has ever contemplated or had an abortion will tell you this.

ETA: This also grinds my gears b/c the same people who want to outlaw abortions want to limit access to BC. It baffles me how anyone can justify that.

SuperSecretStatus

Ycu2013 said:

I was/am in a similar situation. I didn't want anymore kids, and when I found out I was pregnant I was devastated. DH was disgusted that I would even contemplate termination, but there was SO much going on, and the last thing we needed was to throw another baby into the mix. Unfortunately, I caved and continued the pregnancy partially to preserve our marriage because I already knew that he'd never forgive me for "killing his child" (he's super pro-life).

Wait, unfortunately?? Like you still regret it? I'm not trying to judge you...just curious.

Sometimes I do still regret it, but I honestly feel like it's mostly just an overwhelming sense of fear at this point. I have no idea how I'm going to be able to care for a newborn when I have such a high maintenance/needs child already.

Ycu2013

SuperSecretStatus said:

Ycu2013 said:

SuperSecretStatus said:

I was/am in a similar situation. I didn't want anymore kids, and when I found out I was pregnant I was devastated. DH was disgusted that I would even contemplate termination, but there was SO much going on, and the last thing we needed was to throw another baby into the mix. Unfortunately, I caved and continued the pregnancy partially to preserve our marriage because I already knew that he'd never forgive me for "killing his child" (he's super pro-life).

Wait, unfortunately?? Like you still regret it? I'm not trying to judge you...just curious.

Sometimes I do still regret it, but I honestly feel like it's mostly just an overwhelming sense of fear at this point. I have no idea how I'm going to be able to care for a newborn when I have such a high maintenance/needs child already.


I'm sorry...and not to get all religious on you, but god will give you strength to do it. I hope that once that precious baby is in your arms, your feelings will change and you can find joy in being a mommy again to the fullest! Once again, not judging you at all. You are the only one that knows your reasons and concerns. :-)

SuperSecretStatus

Ycu2013 said:

I'm sorry...and not to get all religious on you, but god will give you strength to do it. I hope that once that precious baby is in your arms, your feelings will change and you can find joy in being a mommy again to the fullest! Once again, not judging you at all. You are the only one that knows your reasons and concerns. :-)

No worries, I'm Christian so talking about God doesn't bother me. I do appreciate the lack of judgement though. I am aware that I have a lot of internal issues/struggles when it comes to being a mother, and I think it's just better to be honest about them. I love DD1, and I'm sure I'll love this baby as well and that's the most important thing in my opinion.

sfshorter

sleepy33 said:

sfshorter said:

The mother ultimately still has the option of adopting out the child if the father takes a walk.  I think men should have the choice as well, because we women expect the father to be there and contribute (financially, or however) once the child is born all too often, whether they wanted the child or not.  If this is the case, they should absolutely be apart of the decision to keep the child or not. Women should be more responsible for their bodies and their reproductive health, so abortions are not necessary in most cases.  If you aren't prepared to be a mother, then you need to abstain or get on reliable birth control.  I understand cases of rape or health issues that threaten the life of the mother are outstanding circumstances and do not fall under the same category.  The psychological implications of abortion on the mother are life long issues.  The most noble thing to do is to give the child up for adoption, not fix your "boo boo" by taking a viable life just because you weren't being responsible to start with.  I firmly believe two wrongs never make a right.    

After that essay that I'm sure most of you disagree with, I will say that I am for women's rights and that I do agree the choice is ultimately the mother's legally, for now.  Though I personally would never be able to make that choice, I don't judge those that do, I just wish for the day that these "mistake" babies are a less common occurrence because women proactively take responsibility for themselves, rather than in retrospect as with abortions.  It just saddens me, because not only is a potentially great human lost, but a piece of that women is lost too.  

OMG. So much judgmental BS, I hardly know where to start. I will just say that, years ago, I got pregnant while taking BC, by a man who was not supposed to be able to produce children (my current H, who is a testicular cancer survivor). Accidents happen, even when you are 'being responsible'. Look up the stats on who is getting abortions and how many and PLEASE recognize that NOBODY is using abortions as their primary method of BC. Anyone who has ever contemplated or had an abortion will tell you this.

ETA: This also grinds my gears b/c the same people who want to outlaw abortions want to limit access to BC. It baffles me how anyone can justify that.

I'm not judging you or anyone, just stating my opinion.  NO need to get your panties in a twist and defend your decision to me.  We don't even know each other.  I also don't believe you can speak for EVERYONE who has had an abortion and the impact it has on their lives.  

I also would never think to promote limiting birth control, which most forms of happen to be very effective when used properly.  Also, I'm sure there are cases when the man is actually not supposed to be able to have children, but I've heard this about one million times from people who end up pregnant.   Seems fishy, and seems like something I would definitely be SURE OF as a woman before I relied on that as a form of birth control.