Long post(sad) — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Long post(sad)

wish my brain would shut off, I wish I could stop thinking about my baby. I don't want to forget but I'm tired of lingering, It's only been 1 week and 3 days since it happened and it feels like months...I just wish I was still pregnant. I feel empty, I was wondering when I would feel that way and now it hits. I was so completely unprepared for how profoundly this would affect me, I am so grateful for my 2 girls and husband without them I don't know what I would do, I also wanted this baby too, we naively picked out names, we decided not to find out the gender, we talked about nursery designs and then it happened. I'm struggling with not knowing if I was having a boy or a girl, I don't really have a feeling one way or the other. DH says girl, DD said boy...I can't get the memory of that awful morning out of my head, the panic I felt when I started getting lower back cramps and then finally passing my baby, feeling him or her leave my body. All I could do was cry, the doctors I had called earlier had given me false hope, telling me everything was fine even though bleeding and cramping at 8 weeks shouldn't sound ok to a Doctor. Even the nurse I spoke to at 8am told me that it didn't sound like I was having a MC and I should come in to make sure everything was fine, again more false hope but at the same time I knew, I could feel it,I knew, I was just praying that I was wrong, trying to will a little baby to show up on that ultrasound with a strong heartbeat instead all I saw was emptiness,gray and fuzzy on the screen and a technician saying"no evidence of a pregnancy" I left the room in shock, went to the check out desk where DD and my mother had a hopeful look on their face, I was of course behind several pregnant women all in various sizes, all I could do was shake my head quickly. I had to look at the floor and bite my lip to keep from crying, I silently cried on the way home so my DD wouldn't see me, my mom reaching over to wipe my tears while she drove me home.Then it was just me and my girls until my husband came home. In a cruel trick of nature I started having the pregnancy symptoms that had disapeared at 5 weeks and that made everything worse. Since it happened I have been up and down,hapy one minute and weepy or snapping the next.. I naively thought that miscarriage would never be a part of my story, yet here I am but not alone and for that I am grateful.Thanks for listening I just needed to let off some emotional steam that has built up for a few days

 “How very quietly you tiptoed into our world, silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footprints have left upon our hearts.’” -Unknown

Re: Long post(sad)

  • Are we the same person? I could have wrote this word for word except I never had an ultrasound, just bloodwork. I had told my DH I wanted to have a Harry Potter themed nursery. We talked about how this time around we needed to find a shorter crib, where we were going to move our office to, names, we looked at double strollers and new car seats. I find myself at the store thinking how is it that just a week and a half ago, I was looking at buying this stuff and now, I have no need for it and wish I could avoid it. My doctor told me I was probably having implantation bleeding. (Mine was only at 5 weeks.) I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. I wish we could fast forward this healing progress, my emotions are all over the place. But really, I just wish we could have our babies back.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
    BFP 08/14/13 EDD 04/18/14 Natural MC 08/19/13
    BFP 10/15/13 EDD 06/24/2014 Natural MC 10/23/13
    Recurrent Miscarriage Panel done 11/06/13. Results= All normal
    BFP 12/2/13 EDD July 30, 2014
    Beta 12/3/13: 19,261!
    U/S 12/13/13 heart rate 143 bpm!

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  • I relate so much to so much of your post. Nothing much to add other than I understand...
    Married 11-24-2001 DD 11-24-2004 DS 09-03-2007 MC #1 at 12 weeks Dec 2012 MC #2 at 9 weeks AUG 2013 (baby girl, trisomy 16)
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  • Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this tough time. 

    It's horrible that we are all here because we have lost a child. But it is a blessing in disguise knowing that we have hundreds of other women to talk to who are all going thru it. 

    It's nice to vent to people who can sympathize...
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