Found out my baby's gender today!!!

CarolinaGirl2014

Today I found out that my baby is a girl, which floored me! I was so convinced she was a he! I am SO excited to share with and the U/S pics with my PAP Sat! I could use the help of your ladies with my list of questions for the first meetup Sat. I want to be open and brutally honest because I'd rather get it all out now than get their hopes up and find out it won't work later. I don't want to seem like I'm assaulting them or insult in any way, though. I asked the agency director to encourage them to bring a list of Q's as well. I feel nosy about my Q's but that fact is they will be taking my baby forever and they have pages upon pages of my personal info including all medical records, even high school GPA and TONS of history. OK, Q's I'm thinking:

How do you feel about open adoption? I would like weekly updates and pics the first three months followed by monthly updates after. I would like 4 visits the first year, maybe negotiate after that. I plan to breastfeed the baby in the hospital and I plan for her to stay with me as long as I am in the hospital. I want to pump breastmilk after that and get it to you for 4-8 weeks after, depending on how I feel. (I was thinking of asking to bring the breast milk during that time once a week but I am nervous it will be too hard on me to see the baby that soon and often and that it will be straining on the family- what do y'all think?)

I'd love to develop the kind of relationship where I text/ call you with regular pregnancy updates and include you in everything, and I'd love to perpetuate that after the baby comes. I'd love if you texted me when you texted fam a picture or update about baby. Obviously, this is not a contract thing but my hope and I want you to share it.

What are your religious views and church activity? (All I have is "Christian," which is very important to me) Will you dedicate the baby at church? 

I know you plan to stay at home with the baby. If you work part time will you have a nanny or use daycare?

What would you say your parenting style is? (husband has daughter living with mother)

What makes you so sure your marriage won't end in divorce? (Is this rude? I just don't want to send my baby to a home where that's an open option)

How did you choose your career fields?

Would you be open to including me in naming the baby during the pregnancy? Obviously, you could always change the name after adoption, but I'd love to be a part of the naming.

maryoosa

@CarolinaGirl2014

I think these are wonderful questions!  I'm sure they will have questions for you too--- remember-they are super nervous as well...

Our baby's parent and us describe our first meeting as the highest stakes blind date ever. That's totally what it felt like. Your questions are great, your post-adoption requests seem reasonable. The breast milk--- it's up to you how you want to figure it out--- our baby's parent has seen us and the baby 9 times since placement (1 month ago today)- but we live really near each other etc. 

I hope you meeting goes really well, please let us know!

IRR

I think all of your questions are fair.  You will know how the PAP's react to them whether or not this is the right family for you and your baby girl. I don't see any issues with you wanting to spend time with the baby in the hospital, but make sure the PAP's know and you provide them a little bit of time too, or if you think there is a remote possibility you will change your mind, you may want to not have them come to the hospital until you are ready for them to take the baby.

As far as asking about what makes someone sure their marriage won't end in a divorce would be very difficult for anyone to guarantee.  One never knows what life may throw their way, as I am sure you didn't "plan" on becoming pregnant.  What if they have no plans for divorce but one of them suddenly dies in a freakish accident.  Same result, broken home.  JMO.   

Best of luck with your meeting on Saturday.  I do think all of your questions are valid, but the one I spoke of above.

Amy&Steve0421

So I am a bit of a lurker - prospective adoptive parent doing domestic infant adoption - just finishing up the home study.  I have been following your posts because I can really relate to the desire to provide breast milk.  I am hoping to induce lactation - and I would love to have a birth mom who would provide colustrum.  So I follow your story with interest and really do wish you all the best:)

Just a couple of thoughts on what you wrote above - the divorce question does come off a little tough - another way to ask this type of question might be - "tell me how you resolve conflict in your marriage."  The prospective adoptive parents were a probably asked this or a similar question during the home study.  When you go through a home study - it is very involved.  And while no one can promise what the future will bring, I do think you can find some reassurance in the fact that the marriage has been evaluated by a skilled social worker.

Also - I just wanted to say that you have obviously put a lot of thought into this adoption - which is wonderful - just be prepared that perhaps not everything will go exactly as you would like. You may have to give and take on some issues.  Our social worker told us the biggest issue for a lot of people going through an adoption is control - to some degree everyone has to give up control.  It is a very hard thing to do - but worth it to form a strong relationship for the benefit of the child.

CarolinaGirl2014

Thanks all! I guess my hope with the divorce question is not a promise, but to get a feeling for the marriage. I like the wording that Amie&Steve0421 suggested. I know that in some marriages divorce is def an option if things get too rough. In others, it isn't even on the board. I think you're much more likely to make it through if you don't have an out on the table.

And I am well aware of compromise :-) As I think my questions show, I am asking for their input in most of what I want so that we can come to something that makes everyone happy. I've already given up quite a bit of control in this, but I have to know that the things that are most important to me will be on the table and not discounted. I want to avoid any hurt by thinking we're a match because I don't lay everything on the table now and we can't come to an agreement later. I'd never want to lead a family on. If my concerns and what's important to me can't be considered, then that will tell me right there that this isn't the right family and save everyone heartache.

Elreid

WARNING!!!! RANT-for anyone who wants to read. I am a birth mother, also and I think that PAP's need to hear this from someone else's point of view.

For the PAP's that read this post, I really hope that you are reading this with an open mind. She is a birth mother and until those adoption papers are signed, the PAP's have NO way to control what is going on. I do not think that it is fair for the birth mother to give up anything that she wants/needs to feel comfortable with an adoption. She is giving up HER child and providing you with the best gift that anyone could possibly give. If she is being the best mother she can be by placing her child for adoption then she should be the best mother that she can be for the first few days while that baby is still her daughter. This is what bothers me most about PAP's. They think that they are "entitled" to things because they will be raising the baby after they leave the hospital. To be able to trust another family with my child I should be able to ask them ANYTHING that I feel is going to help make my decision. She shouldn't have to give up control while she is going through the process. It is her decision. After the papers are signed, she will be giving up ALL control. So after the papers are signed the control will be lost for the rest of her life. She deserves the control for three days. DO NOT tell her that she needs to give up some control.