This is so hard. I'll be ok one moment then sobbing uncontrollably the next. I know one day I'll have peace and seeing pregnant friends/people won't feel like I've been stabbed in the gut and heart...but that's not today.
Today, I'm broken hearted and deeply mourning the loss of my two babies. I want to scream and sob. I want life to stop so I can just go away. Just go away for a day or two to just cry and pray.
Today I am sad. Today I just need to process through the grief and mourn. I don't want to hear how I need to take care of me. I know what needs to happen with my body. I don't need to hear I should be grateful for what I have - I AM grateful. I know how precious and miraculous life is and we've been extremely blessed...much more than we deserve. I'm extremely grateful...but, am I not allowed to be sad for a minute? I JUST had my second loss yesterday...and the first was just 2.5 short months ago. It's still raw and fresh. One day I'll be able to look at my blessings and not think about the two lives we are missing, but not today.
Today I'm empty. Today I dread seeing my closest friends because I know I'll either burst into tears when I see the sadness and sympathy in their eyes or I'll ache with longing as I see their growing bellies.
Today I'm sad. I may not feel like eating. I may not answer my phone. I'm sore and tired and hurting. I'm not sleeping well because I'm haunted by thoughts and dreams.
I now have two babies in heaven. While I may never know on this side of heaven why He decided to call them home, I know I'll see them one day. This is not where it ends. One day that will give me great comfort and joy.
One day I'll be ok. But not today.
DD 6/17/08, DD 6/9/10, DD 12/15/11
BFP 5/24/13 - Natural MC 6/7/13
BFP 8/13/13 - Natural MC 8/27/13
Ovarian Mass = removal of left ovary & tube 9/13
BFP 4/24/14 - Tubal Pregnancy 5/7/14
Removal of ruptured right tube 5/8/14
IVF or adoption??