NBSR Thank you cards

Empireceo

So, I'm having a discussion with my friend and we have a difference of opinion on this.  I want to know your thoughts.

When I got married, I sent thank you cards to all of my guests, whether or not they had given a gift at the wedding.  I thought it was appropriate to thank them for coming and celebrating our day, etc.  My friend says that you should only send thank you cards to the people who've given you a gift, otherwise you are passive-aggressively shaming the non-gifters.  This sounds crazy to me, but what say you, BSB?

VCK

I would like to know who comes to a shower and doesn't bring a gift? Unless they were involved in the planning aspect, it doesn't make sense. Having said that, I would still send a thank you on the off chance that maybe their present got lost or it is coming later. I don't find sending a Thank you passive aggressive in the least.

ArgyleBride

One does not thank others for enjoying one's hospitality.  It's like having a dinner party and thanking someone for drinking your wine and eating your food.  Not that it's wrong, etiquette-wise, just so weird and pointless that I might think there had to be an ulterior motive, and gift-shaming is the only one that makes sense.

Weddings are a special case in that they are not put on for the entertainment of the guests, but presumably would take place regardless of the head count.  That is why the guests are not supposed to thank the hosts, though they normally would be obligated to. I can see why you might jump from this principle--that weddings do not take place for the purpose of entertaining guests, and guest do not thank their hosts--to "it's kind of my guest to come, I should thank them."  However, you are still the hosts, and presumably they did not suffer by coming and genuinely wanted to share this important event.  No thank-you required.

ArgyleBride

It is a nice thought, though, since gift-shaming wasn't your goal.

Empireceo

Interesting...Would your response change if you knew that some of my guests had to travel (as in a plane trip to get to our wedding)?  The gift-shaming never dawned on me until my friend brought it up.

sschwege

I think it most cases a thank you card is unnecessary and could be perceived by some as a way of pointing out that the person did not bring a gift.  Of course that was not your intent and people who know you won't think that.  The reception is sort of your thank you to the guests IMO.  

We had a few people come and not bring a gift.  I only sent a thank you card to one of them.  At the time my Aunt did not have a job and lived half way across the country.  She still flew in for our engagement party and our wedding.  I know she really had to scrimp and save to make it and her coming was a wonderful gift to us.  So I did write her a thank you card just because I wanted to let her know that it meant a lot to us that she came. 

EastCoastBride

The reception WAS our thank you. It would never occur to me to send "thanks for attending" notes. I polled my friends about this once - none of them heard of doing this either.

dufferoo

Another vote for no "thank you for coming" notes. I mean, yeah, you can write your friends letters whenever you feel like it, and you are welcome to say those words, but it's odd to send an Official Wedding Thank You Note for this purpose.

rbtrumpet

Empireceo said:

Interesting...Would your response change if you knew that some of my guests had to travel (as in a plane trip to get to our wedding)?  The gift-shaming never dawned on me until my friend brought it up.

I would send a thank you for anyone who had to pay for a plane ticket and/or hotel, regardless of a gift. That at least shows they made an effort and sacrifice to be with you.

Otherwise, I would not (did not) send a thank you to people who were local and didn't give a gift.

ArmyWife114

EastCoastBride said:

The reception WAS our thank you. It would never occur to me to send "thanks for attending" notes. I polled my friends about this once - none of them heard of doing this either.

This for me as well. 

Stina2012

EastCoastBride said:

The reception WAS our thank you. It would never occur to me to send "thanks for attending" notes. I polled my friends about this once - none of them heard of doing this either.

Agreed. And if they were out of town they were hosted at the rehearsal dinner as a thank you.

JackieA2013

I sent a thank you to everyone that attended, whether they gave a gift or not, for two reasons.  First, I sent it because people spent money to fly in and get a hotel room.  Second, I sent the message becuase people have up to a year to send a wedding a gift.  Just because they hadn't yet, doesn't mean they won't send a gift. 

My note just acknowledged how I appreciated them taking the time to travel to our wedding and sharing our special day with us.  I was genuinely thankful for that.

NickyHolo

I would definitely send a thank you to everyone that attended your wedding. By telling someone that they made your wedding extra special by them being there is a nice thing to hear.

kinarlva

I agree with your friend. I wouldn't send a thank you note to people who didn't give a gift. Hopefully you were able to thank them in person for coming to the wedding. 

RibbitGrl930

Honestly, I don't see it as necessary to send a TY just for attending in general; as others have statrd, the reception is traditionally the TY for attending. I don't see it as "wrong," though. If I were the TY receiver in this instance, I wouldn't think anything malicious or shaming about it.