Adoption
sabrina69barnes
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Dear "birthmother" letter, please don't flame me.
sabrina69barnes
member
in Adoption
Please don't flame me. I know many of you are getting ready to write your dear "birthmother" letters and I thought I would share some of this information to help. I am not meaning to be critical. I was adopted and and reunited with my natural mother. Her are I are very close and talk alot about adoption and some lingering issues we each have. One thing that she has a big problem with is being called a birthmother. She isn't alone. Many women who have surrendered children also have a problem with this term. It implies that the mother is only a mother for the purpose of birth, an incubator, and is not really her baby's mother, just a birthmother. Many women prefer narural mother or first mother. I was adopted in a closed adoption. My mother didn't know what open adoption was. She looks at waiting family profiles sometimes and thinks about what kind of family she would have chosen if she could have. There are some things she reads in profiles and says the she would never have considered. She never would have considered someone with a gender prefrence. She also gets upset when people talk more about how they can't wait to bring their baby home than they do about why they want to be parents and why they want to adopt. She says the thing that is upsetting the most is profiles where the couple writes as if they feel they are entitled to a baby.( I haven't seen anyone on this board who appears to have this attitide) She said that the things she likes the most are the couples who appear to be humble, don't care too much about what kind of child they get, and who talk about what a blessing they would be to a child, not what a blessing a child would be to them.
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Re: Dear "birthmother" letter, please don't flame me.
If we are being picky about language...
First moms don't surrender babies, FYI. They place them for adoption or create an adoption plan.
It's not a battle they've lost, but rather a loving and difficult choice they make.
I wanted to write "dear expectant parent" because that's how I feel about it, a parent making a choice for their child. However, my agency would not allow it and suggested "to a special person" which I felt was patronizing so I just went with birthparent like they wanted. I think as long as intentions are pure and honest than language is just semantics.
Um, FYI, "surrender" is a term many (not all) natural parents and adoptees are comfortable with. It may not be a term you like but it doesn't mean it is incorrect. https://www.antiadoption.org/adoptionlanguage.html It is the term my mother, I, many of my adopted friends, and many of my friends who are natural mothers feel most comfortable using.
However, I didn't write this post to be picky about language. I was simply trying to give some insight and advice for those who were getting ready or who are in the process of writing letters.
I cannot believe you posted something from anti-adoption.org on a website full of women waiting to become mothers with open hearts and open arms.
I think, perhaps, the maturity the comes with age and the compassion that comes with circumstance might make you a better person but for right now it is mind numbingly bad to even post that link.
That is a fringe group and only a minority of adopted people share those views.
I'm not saying I agree with everything on the site or even most of. I didn't post that link to be hurtful. I posted the link to show that I'm not alone in using a certain term. Once again I wrote this post to give a little insight and advice that I thought might be helpful. You flaming me for a term I used or a link I posted isn't really helping anyone.
Note: I found this board because DH and I will most likely have to adopt and I wanted to see how others are fairing with having come to this point in their TTC/TTTC/infertility.
That being said, as an adopted child (adopted at 1 month 4 days old), I cannot imagine calling someone I never met my True Parent or Real Parent as is outlined in the website a PP provided.
And I cannot imagine calling my the loving couple that adopted me Caregivers. Good grief.
I understand that you are sharing your opinions here in an attempt to help, but I have to say that I share the thought of the PP. Although I can understand that maybe "birthmother" is not as fulfilling a title as "mom", calling that person the "natural" or "first" implies that your adoptive mom is not natural, or that she is second. And I know that personally, as a woman looking to adopt, that is a very, very hard place to feel like someone is putting me. It is a difficult position for all to be in. But imagine how you would feel if someone referred to you as an "unnatural" child? Adoption, in and of itself, is supposed to revolve around that bond that forms between the adoptive parents and the child.
It is wonderful that you have been able to build a relationship with your natural mother, but again, I know that if it were me, it would tear at my heart to hear my child call someone else mother, or natural mother (as you have above). It would feel like no matter what I did, to the world and even to my child, I could not be their mom. And the reality is, that "first mom" gave up that title and role when she gave you up for adoption. And the woman that adopted you, she deserves to be your mom. And although there are other important people in our lives, we only have one mom. And being a mom is obviously more than biology. Mom is the person who is there cleaning up your throw up at 2 AM when you have the flu, kissing your boo boo's, staying up late to wrap those Christmas presents, going to parent-teacher conferences. She's the person doing all those non-glamorous things that make up every day of your life. And all she's asking in return is to be loved and be given the respect of getting to be YOUR mom. Not your second mom, not your adopted mom...your MOM. Just like your her child. No stipulations or clarifications; just Mom.
But that's just my 2 cents.....
if you and your biological mother and your mom are comfortable with those terms then that is your choice. I know that DH & I would not be comfortable with a woman who insisted on being called the "natural mother," I'm not even that comfortable with "firstmom." As we will have an ongoing relationship with her and want it to be a good one, this is something that could impact if we were willing to accept a placement.
But a majority of the women here have gone to classes about adoption and the kinds of language that are appropriate. Brahimbride was 100% correct when she commented on your language choice. As a general rule "birthparents" is the accepted term, as are "placing" the child or "choosing an adoption plan."
Referencing an anti-adoption website as your reference for appropriate language seems a little backwards, that's like referencing a racist website as back-up for using a racist term.
sabrina69barnes -- You will get no flames from me. Your original post was PERFECTLY stated, and exactly what I have wanted to say on this board a million times, but you said it so much better than I could ever have expressed. I agree 100%.
I just have to point out that this is a board that is primarily adoptive moms and women waiting to be adoptive moms. We are sorely lacking in two VERY important parts of the triad. Guess what, ladies? It's not about us.
You've been through IF? Yep, me too. It isn't about that.
You've had miscarriages? I'm truly sorry for your loss. But it isn't about that.
You've cried yourself to sleep more nights than you can possibly count because all you really want in life is to be a mother and you wonder when, or even if, your sweet baby will finally be home? Have we not all been at this place? Do you not think mothers who relinquish their babies because they have no other choice or feel it is the best choice for their CHILD cry themselves to sleep with the same agony?
Before we pitch a fit, throw a tantrum, stomp our feet and say "But it isn't FAIR!" -- remember this. No, it ISN'T fair. I've been right where you are today. But it is ALSO unfair that any mother should ever have to be separated from her child and for that child to know another woman as "mommy." It REEKS of unfairness that any precious baby would have to be separated from the only mother THEY have ever known! I don't care if it makes you uncomfortable or doesn't seem "fair" to you... it's the way it is! It is a significant part of adoption that is present no matter what the circumstance! I'm sorry if it doesn't fit your (generic "you," not one particular poster) perfect picture of a perfect baby coming into a perfect family in the perfect way. THIS IS HOW ADOPTION IS!!! There IS crap to deal with, there ARE hurt and sad feelings on all sides of the triad.
And guess what else? You who are adoptive moms (like me) or waiting adoptive moms (like I once was) -- you are not the only mom. I'm sorry if you don't like it, but if this seriously is a problem to you, then maybe you need to step back from the process for a while until you can work through these issues. It is most DEFINITELY not fair to any child to be placed with parents who refuse to acknowledge their adoption for what it is, and the FACT that (no matter if you like it or not) they will always and forever have two sets of parents. Yes, they play very different roles, and I'm not talking about co-parenting here. I'm not even necessarily talking about open adoptions. Even in a completely closed adoption, an adoptee STILL has two moms, two dads. The end.
As I said earlier, we are very much a one-sided board. Maybe we are partially to blame for that. Maybe it's possible that the few adoptees and moms who've relinquished who stumble onto this board feel that their opinion is not welcome. Maybe they feel like they are intruding on a "club" or something. And maybe they even feel like we (as a group of a-moms) feel that our place in the triad is better and/or more important than theirs. I ask you each to please, sincerely examine yourself and your own heart. We "think" we're accepting, we "think" we are welcoming... but after posts like this (and this isn't the first one I've seen go this direction where a firstmom or adoptee is concerned), can anyone really say that? I'm not saying you have to AGREE with everyone all of the time -- of course not! But discussions like these are an opportunity to LEARN and to be challenged and to grow! What good does it to do to stomp our feet and yell "Unfair!" or to plug our ears (eyes?) and refuse to listen?
Adoption isn't about us as a-parents. Adoption really isn't even about the birth/first/natural parents. Adoption is about the CHILD, the adoptee. It literally pains me to see an adoptee come to this board and speak from her own experience, TRYING to be helpful and give those of you who are preparing to write letters a word of advice. Good grief, even if you care nothing about adoptees and birthmoms, I would think you'd at least be grateful for the tidbit on how to make your letter a little bit more "perfect!"
So -- Sabrina, I am sorry. I am sorry boards like these are representative of what much of society feels... that adoptee's voices are less important and will not be heard. I think of my own sweet daughter -- an adoptee -- and I pray to God that she NEVER has to feel this way. I truly apologize and I hope you'll stay, even though others cannot agree to be accepting of other sides and other views.
Wow... this speaks volumes of your agency. I would love to hear their reasoning, but the only conclusion I can come to is that they refuse to acknowledge their clients as "expectant parents," but rather only as "birthparents." Don't be fooled -- it IS a calculated tactic used by MANY agencies. If they can get these women to begin seeing themselves as ONLY being a "birthparent" (i.e., what Sabrina said originally), they have won half the battle. Agencies (most anyway) are NOT neutral. They WANT women to place, because that's how they make money and keep their jobs. It's brainwashing and it DOES happen.
And honestly, I do hear what you're saying about language/semantics, and I agree to a point. But I think if you also have people who have been through it saying "This really makes me feel ______ and I would really prefer ______ instead," then it is only common courtesy to listen. It's no different than adoptive moms saying we don't like to be called "caregivers." The shoe is just on the other foot.
BB -- I'm sorry, but you are wrong. The more you look and the more you open your eyes and ears and heart, the more adoptees you will find who do not have only 100% warm and fuzzy feelings about their adoption. Nothing pains a mother's heart more than to feel that her child may possibly be hurting. Believe me, it absolutely KILLS me to realize that my child might have some negative feelings about being adopted one day. But I also know that if she does, it's not personal to me. It's not because I'm a bad mother and it's not because she hates me. But every person has a right to feel their own way about their OWN life. It is wrong and honestly arrogant for us to say to our kids, "THIS is how you should feel." You may not like what "angry adoptees" have to say, and no I'm not saying every adoptee feels this way... but some do. And again, it's really about our KIDS. So, other than it doesn't make YOU feel good, why would you not at least lend a listening ear and take things with a grain of salt?
MGM -- I hear what you're saying, and I've been in that place, too. But here's how it was explained to me, and hopefully this will help clear up the first/natural mom terms. Birth/adoptive moms are not supposed to be "opposites" of each other. We are on the same "team," so to speak. We are pulling for the same cause, and we love the same child. We are not opponents, and there is no competition here. The pairing to "natural" (of natural mom) would be "nurture." Like nature/nurture? One is a mom through nature (biology), and one is a mom through nurture (raising the child). If we think in terms of opposites, what's the opposite of "birthmom?" "Deathmom?"
It doesn't make sense! With "firstmom," you know, honestly I never liked the term either. But after realizing that it's just telling it like it is -- she was my daughter's FIRST mom, in the very literal sense -- I realized I was getting offended over nothing. Technically and literally, yes, I am my daughter's SECOND mom. But I don't mind that because that also means that I get to be the last one. 
I personally do not care for "birthmom" (though I still use it on occasion b/c that's what most people outside of the adoption world understand) because (as Sabrina said) it hints that the mom is good only for giving birth, and her being a mom stops there. It does not. When I realized how agencies often prey on expectant moms with this terminology of "birthmom," I REALLY didn't like it. I understand why people use it, and some even like it, and that's fine. For me, it just left a bad taste in my mouth.
The second part of what I quoted from you makes my heart hurt. I can hear in your "voice" that you just want to be a mom, to be recognized by someone as "mommy." I understand that, and I have really and honestly been there. And for those of us non-adoptees, we can't imagine what having two moms and two dads is like! But it IS the reality for adoptees. Two moms, two dads. Very different roles, don't get me wrong. My daughter's firstmom is not her day-to-day parent, but she is very much still her mom. You are right that biology is not all of it, but it IS some of it. And truthfully, there are not many women out there who relinquish because they COULDN'T wipe noses and kiss boo-boos. In most cases, that isn't the situation at all. My daughter's other mom is still her other mom, and I think that's awesome! I certainly feel like no less of a mom to my child because of her other mom's place in her life; if anything, she has made me feel MORE like a mom to my daughter. I hope you can come to this place of understanding as well.
I know this is crazy long, but I hope it is read and taken to heart. I also know that I came across harsh in some spots, and I do apologize for that. But sometimes things NEED to be said. I'm open for further (mature) discussion, but I fully expect flames. Whatever. You can flame me all you want, but I really and truly hope that if you do not listen to what I've said, you will listen and HEAR it from someone else.
"I understand that you are sharing your opinions here in an attempt to help, but I have to say that I share the thought of the PP. Although I can understand that maybe "birthmother" is not as fulfilling a title as "mom", calling that person the "natural" or "first" implies that your adoptive mom is not natural, or that she is second. And I know that personally, as a woman looking to adopt, that is a very, very hard place to feel like someone is putting me. It is a difficult position for all to be in. But imagine how you would feel if someone referred to you as an "unnatural" child? Adoption, in and of itself, is supposed to revolve around that bond that forms between the adoptive parents and the child.
It is wonderful that you have been able to build a relationship with your natural mother, but again, I know that if it were me, it would tear at my heart to hear my child call someone else mother, or natural mother (as you have above). It would feel like no matter what I did, to the world and even to my child, I could not be their mom. And the reality is, that "first mom" gave up that title and role when she gave you up for adoption. And the woman that adopted you, she deserves to be your mom. And although there are other important people in our lives, we only have one mom. And being a mom is obviously more than biology. Mom is the person who is there cleaning up your throw up at 2 AM when you have the flu, kissing your boo boo's, staying up late to wrap those Christmas presents, going to parent-teacher conferences. She's the person doing all those non-glamorous things that make up every day of your life. And all she's asking in return is to be loved and be given the respect of getting to be YOUR mom. Not your second mom, not your adopted mom...your MOM. Just like your her child. No stipulations or clarifications; just Mom.
But that's just my 2 cents....."
I could not have said this better myself.Am I the only one who thinks this is wrong? I think adoption is about the entire family unit, not just the child, not just the parents, but both in the whole/entirety.
I'm not gonna flame anyone, and I can't believe I'm wading into this, but I have to agree with TTCgradstud in many respects. This appears to be a personal preference issue. If, over the years, agencies have found that "Birthparent" is the best term they can come up with when writing a letter to a potentially large number of women from all walks of life, I have no problem with that. If some birthmoms (or whatever they want to be called) have a problem with that, then they are free to choose someone else to parent their child.
The agency we are looking at does not allow us to prefer gender, but I can see this one both ways. Again, it's a personal decision, and the birthmother is free to choose someone else if this bothers her.
I think that's what it all boils down to. Trying to write a "dear birthmother letter" is going to be difficult to do, for a host of reasons. Trying to use just the right language to fit every person's preferences, using a language like English which doesn't always capture the nuances, is going to make it an impossible task (you can't please all the people all the time). Personal preference is going to come into play from the birthmother's perspective, and that's her perogative. Everyone's just trying to do the best they can do in a difficult situation.
Agreeing with Dr. L....and I am not sure I want to wade in here....
My 2cents worth......we have all been called to adoption for various reasons. And from what I gather, all participants in this board are here for legitimate and honorable reasons. Most of us have read tons (including adoptees) and have gone to classes. Our desires our pure. We will all have differing opinions on language and even parenting approaches. This isn't a group of cookie-cutter women chosing to adopt, and my goal is to respect everyone's position. And for the most part, I think most of the participants of this board share in my goal of support and respect for one another.
Just like with anything else in life, there's not ONE answer to anything. We are all trying to our best. With or without adoption, life is an ongoing struggle for everyone.
I know it's a lot to sift through, but if you have a specific example, I'm willing to listen. At this point, I stand by everything that I said (not only based on this thread, but a number of others I've seen over time... I'm talking about a general "theme" I see represented on this board often), but as I said, I'm here to learn, too.
Yes, of course, it's about the family unit as a whole. But what I was referencing was, again, the general idea that is often represented here (due in part to the fact that we are primarily made up of a-parents/waiting a-parents) -- that a-parents'/waiting a-parents' thoughts and feelings are the only ones that matter. I've been a part of several adoption boards, and this IS a theme on this one, whether we admit it or not.
I have to go now (we're officially in the toddler stage and that means less computer time for mommy
) but I will try to pop back in later during naptime. Just didn't want anyone to think I was avoiding the thread. 
Again, as I said, I am definitely open for further discussion if anyone's interested.
Agree 100%.
And as an adopted child, I would to hear someone refer to my birth mom as my "first mom" because in no way do I see her that way. My MOM is the person who raised me.
Just one quick thing, and then I MUST pull myself away for a bit!
I never, ever said someone's intentions were not pure. Not at all. I don't think anyone here has a purposely malicious attitude or anything like that. But I know at one time, my intentions were pure, but I was WAY off on a whole lot of things. I don't think our disagreement here is based on people's intentions, but rather, a lack of understanding about some important parts of adoption.
Ok, truly am going now and will be back later!
Oh no...this is why I should have stayed "quiet"
I did not mean to infer that you OR anyone else said that we had anything but good intentions. I was just stating that we all come here from different perspectives for a little virtual support and cheering. We all have strong feelings. Our perspectives will never be the same...but that doesn't mean we should not respect one another's positions. Again, this was not aimed at anyone...just my overall thought.
Peace.
Fredalina, I love your reply.
I am with you, I think the problem with adoption debates (just like any other debate) is that is never simple or black and white. Each adoption is unique to those involved in it.
My observation is that most people who are so adamently opposed to adoption are relying on their experience from 40 years ago and the fact is the adoption world is vastly different in 2008. Birth/bio/first/natural parents have rights, have decision making power, etc. Although, they are still vulnerable to manipulation, and that is why it is important as prospective parents to fully disclose our intentions (not make lofty promises), to be honest with our limitations.
No, no, not at all, SB! I didn't mean to make you feel like I was "calling you out." I just wanted to clarify my thoughts. This is the difficult thing about online boards... you miss so much from the face-to-face conversation (intonation, body language, facial expression, etc.) that it's hard to truly "get" all that another person is saying. Maybe that's why I have trouble not writing 58 paragraphs in each reply!
LOL
Katie, thanks for your perspective. I certainly don't feel that adoptive parents are merely "caregivers" either. I am the one who my daughter knows as "mommy." I'm the one she's calling for when she says "mama!" I'm the one who feeds her, bathes her, plays with her, rocks her at night, and hugs her when she cries. The thought that she was adopted honestly isn't even in my mind every single day. It's not that I literally don't remember, but I do "forget" most of the time, if that makes sense. She's just my kid, and I'm just her mom. And as her mom, I pray with all my heart that she feels as positive about her adoption one day as you feel about yours! That is obviously the goal!
But I also don't think it would be wise or respectful of me to deny the fact that she MIGHT have some not-so-happy feelings about it throughout her life. It does her no good for me to stick my head in the sand and refuse to listen to adoptees that DO have hurt feelings, feelings of rejection or abandonment, or just plain old confusion. I can't tell her how to feel anymore than someone else could tell me how to feel about our infertility. So it's not that I dwell on the bad/angry stories, and it's NOT AT ALL that I'm assuming she'll be one of them. But I feel that being a good mom, specifically being a good *adoptive* mom, I need to be prepared to help my daughter through those times, should they come. I certainly don't think that all adoptees have negative feelings associated with their adoptions, but SOME do. So it's enough for me to take notice and be aware of that possibility.
Very nicely put. As many have said, you can't please all the people all of the time. I don't think anyone is necessarily trying to accomplish that goal. I think, as I've said, it's more about recognizing that SOME e-parents will be offended or hurt by that terminology (pre-birth, particularly), so why not avoid it all together? If you know you are running the risk of hurting someone, isn't it just as easy to choose another term? And not for the purpose of trying to be chosen, but for just common courtesy and respect's sake?
Pre-birth, I do not believe women should be called "birthmoms" at all. Period. In the literal sense, they have not even given birth yet, so it seems a little backwards to call them "birthmom" without yet having that obvious and very important event -- birth.
I stand by what I said earlier about agencies using this to their advantage. I've seen it with my own eyes, and I have friends who've been in that position of being pressured, ever so subtly, with mere language. It DOES happen. I do NOT at all believe anyone here would put pressure on an e-mom intentionally, but it IS used by many agencies for the purpose of reducing e-mom's own feelings of worthiness as just a plain old mom who is considering options for her child. It might seem insignificant to those of us who aren't in the situation, but think of a young girl who is scared to death, embarrassed that she's pregnant, confused about where to turn, lacking a support system, and here are adult professionals telling her over and over that she is a "birthmom," that she's making a brave choice, that her child will be better off without her. There is pressure indeed.
True, things have improved since the baby scoop era. But the tactics have just changed, and the pressure is still very much alive. Adoption agencies are BUSINESSES. If they don't make money, they don't stay open and people lose their jobs. If they don't have a certain number of placements in a year, they don't meet budget. You do the math.
Pre-birth, I do not believe women should be called "birthmoms" at all. Period. In the literal sense, they have not even given birth yet, so it seems a little backwards to call them "birthmom" without yet having that obvious and very important event -- birth.
For the love...
Yes, SOME people will be offended or hurt by any terminology that happens to be chosen. It's a risk to be taken. To be honest, the more I've thought about this post, the more I've thought about a cover letter for a job. If you don't have the addressee's name, it's a PITA to come up with the correct opening. Should it be "Dear Sir or Madam", "To whom it may concern", "Dear Hiring Manager"? Throw in the emotions that are involved in an adoption, and it gets even more muddled. So you pick a term. To be honest, calling them a "first mom" or "natural mom" when they haven't given birth doesn't sound any better.
Again, it all comes down to language and personal preference.
It used to make me cringe when I would hear someone mention that they would be adopting. I know that there are alot of times when adoption is the best option for a child but something about hearing that always rubbed me the wrong. I had always thought of people who adopt as selfish and greedy. I realized that I was probably being unfair and wrong. I came here to read some of your stories and to see things from a different prespective. I also thought I would answer any questions anyone had for me or give what little advice I had to offer.
Like I mentioned before I have many friends who are adopted. Many of us have been friends since we were very little. We met because of an adoptive parent support group our parents were in. I was the first one to find my natural mother. It went really well so some of my friends decided to talk to their parents about looking for their natural families. It didn't go so well. One mother said something along the lines of why would you want to hurt me like that, was I not good enough as a mother? Most of my other friends also got negative responses. I didn't have a negative opinion of people who adopt until this. I joined some online fourms for adults who had been adopted and a lot of them got the same response when they asked about searching.
I am very dissapointed with the poeple (except for one) on here. I keep hearing that you aren't comfotable and don't like that term natural mother or first mother. You feel like it implies you are less of a mother. This is why I feel many who adopt come across as selfish and greedy. Adoption should be more about the child than it should about either sets of parents. The child doesn't ask to be born or adopted. It really upsets me when a friend of mine doesn't tell his parents he is searching because he doesn't want hurt their feelings. It is a parents job to protect their child's feelings not a child's job to protect their parent's feelings.
I had a very supportive mother who always let me call member of both of my families what I was comfortable calling them. I was blessed to have her for a mom. I'm glad there is at least one woman in here who is that kind of mom. It is nice to know that someone is putting their child's feeling before their own.
I am going to leave all of you now to your members only pity party. It is clear to me that people with a different opinions are not welcome. Sorry I didn't know the rules.
*tap, tap* Is this thing on?
*SIGH*
Nope, it doesn't. Which is why I thought I had explained the most appropriate term (IMO, and the opinions of many birth/bio/first/natural moms) pre-birth is expectant mom. Pre-birth, she has NOT relinquished yet, she is still very much the ONLY mom at that point. So, expectant mom. That's all she is. No different from any other pregnant lady you might see elsewhere. Anything further puts unnecessary and unfair pressure on her to "live up" to that expectation.
Sabrina, we must have been posting at the same time. Again, I say, I am very sorry.
Yes, yes, and sadly, yes.
I hope you'll stay, but I sure don't blame you for wanting to leave after a less-than-inviting welcome. Please know that there ARE some of us here who do hear your views, as an adoptee.
This post just makes me sad over-all. Why are we fighting about this?
Sabrina, why are you hurt b/c some adoptive moms don't want to be referred to as the "unnatural mother" any more than your mom wanted to be referred to as a "birthmother"?
Can't we just accept that there are different views? You do the best you can. Period. It's more about how you treat/talk about your child(ren)'s birthmother than what you call them. We all try to be sensitive to the needs of the birthmother. I've seen many birthmothers come on here in the past and everyone has been so graceful, appreciative, respectful, etc. of them. Even if someone refers to "first mom" as a birthmother, it doesn't mean they hold anything but the deepest gratitude and respect for them.
You are entitled to your opinions, but if you ask me, you aren't entitled to be able to essentially say every woman on this board is going to be a crappy mom short of 1 person because the rest don't like your terminology. You aren't the only one with experience or feelings on this matter. There have been other adopted children on here, myself included as well as other birthmothers who occassionally post. There are plenty of other people whom I may disagree with on various things on this board, but they surely expressed themselves better. It isn't what you say, but how you say it...
We have different perspectives, it doesn't make you right and everyone else wrong or visa versa...
I'm probably going to get flamed for this too. I have no idea what it is like to deal with the pain of infertility. God has blessed me with fertility. However, I do know that if I wasn't able to have children that there is no way I would be adopting. Adoption is not a cure to infertility. It's purpose is not to provide infertile couples with babies. It's purpose it to provide homes for children when their parents cant be the parents they need to be. When I was 18 I was a senior in highschool and pregnant. I went to a teen parent support group at my school. At one the the meetings a rep from an adoption agency came to talk to us. This lady tried to tell me that adoption would be best for my child and that I couldn't be as good of a parent as some other people could. She told me that it wouldn't be fair for me to keep my child because I was young, still in school, and didn't have a job. Being young, in school, and unemployed are temporary problems but adoption is a permanant solution. I get really upset when I hear people say that coersion by adoption agencies doesn't happen anymore.
I'm not saying that someone is wrong for adopting, but I am upset when adopters ingnore some of the ugly things about adoption because it makes them uncomfortable. This ignorance make may you happy but it may end up hurting your children. You may call me an angry adoptee or say that I represent only a small fraction of adoptees who have had a bed experience, but what if your child ends up feeling the same way I do?
1. Then obviously you would not be a suitable adoptive parent. No one here that I know of has ever taken the position that adoption is a cure for infertility. Most agencies will tell a couple dealing with IF that they have to grieve the loss of fertility before moving on with adoption.
I am judgmental though and I think it's a shame you couldn't love a child just because that child was not genetically linked to you. But at least you're honest about it.
2. Who says this? It does still happen. Most of the women on this board struggle with finding the "right" agency where they feel assured the agency does not do that. But, it certainly still happens. My husband is involved with such a case right now (as an attorney representing one of the parties).
3. Again, I didn't see anyone disagreeing with this, the response was just that the term "birthmother" is not offensive to everyone.
4. There are also many angry bio kids out there too. If my kids (bio or adopted) end up feeling the same way as you, I hope I can be there with an open-heart and mind to comfort them and help them in anyway that I can. That's what being a parent is all about.
A thought occured to me on my commute home...(this is somewhat off topic...but related).
This conversation is very similar to conversations I have had at work. My staff does community outreach work, and much of the work is done in communities with ethnic diversity. Over the ten years I have been working in this position, my staff have had to change their language from Hispanic to Latino, to Mexican-American, and now back to Latino since we work in communities that come from places other than Mexico. Latino doesn't accurately describe many of the people we try to reach...but at this time, it's the acceptable term. Meanwhile, the US Census Bureau, who we should use as our example, still uses Hispanic. And once we are doing our work in a specific community, we still have people unhappy with what ever language we chose to use.
We have also had to change our language to always say Black and African-American to make sure we are not excluding anyone. We started receiving complaints about five years ago when our standard language was just African-American.
My point- there's an ebb and flow to what is considered acceptable. I know it will change again, and we may revisit "outdated" terms. As people involved in adoption, we may find that the terminology we use this year will be outdated in five years. We may also find that there are generational differences (I don't mean age but rather the generation which you were first exposed to adoption).
I feel like most people in the adoption world, not unlike my staff in their work, may chose to use a term that they've been told is preferred by some authority. (Think how the US Census Bureau is outdated in terminology) We can only rely on the information from the authorities we've INDIVIDUALLY sought for guidance. It's clear that not all adoption "authorities" share in their philosophies. In recognizing the differences, I think it's important to also recognize that not one authority is the "be all- end all". The terminology we chose to use will most likely ALWAYS isolate or alienate someone. Just like my staff, the terms which seem most appropriate can always be debated with good arguements which goes back to Dr. L's points.
Alas, I don't like the word authority. Perhaps expert might be better. Hmmm, another issue with language? How appropriate!
Well, honestly I'm not sure if I'm making my point very well or not. It appears I haven't done a great job at trying to express myself!
There are at least 3,682 tangents I could go off on, but I'll stick with just this one -- the one that I *thought* the whole point of the thread was about.
No, you can't please all the people all of the time. We all know that. It's not ever going to happen, of course.
Yes, PC language gets pretty darn annoying, and someone is always going to have their panties in a bunch about one thing or another. Oh well.
But here is the point that I've been trying (and failing) to make this entire time: "Birthmothers" are NOT "birthmothers" (in the terms we think of that word in the adoption world) before birth and before TPR/placement. They just aren't. To say to a woman who is expecting a child and considering her options, "You're a birthmother," to call her "our birthmom," to tell her what great sacrifices she is making as a "birthmom" -- all pre-birth -- is WRONG. Let me repeat: I am talking about pre-birth, pre-placement.
A woman considering adoption for her child should be given the respect and courtesy and equality to be able to make her decision independent of "qualifiers." Free from coersion, even in the smallest degree.
I know many of you have agonozied over which agency to choose; maybe you've even lost sleep over the decision. It's a difficult choice! None of us ever want to feel like we are a part of something unethical or shady. We want to know that we can trust our agencies!
But I'm telling you in complete sincerity and with all due respect, this is a big, big, BIG area in which a LOT of agencies fail. My own agency failed us in this way, too. We know things about them now that, had we known in the beginning, we never would have given them a dime. I've seen how agencies (the one we used included) look at expectant women with dollar signs in their eyes. I've heard SWs talk about how they will refuse help to expectant moms if they decide to parent. It happens, ladies. It really does, and it happens TODAY. Women are walking into agencies TODAY, just looking for some help, looking for some advice and support... and they are being preyed upon, unknowingly. Beginning with the seemingly insignificant terminology bestowed upon them -- birthmother. And if they can keep that going and get you, their paying clients, thinking in line with them, they've secured their payment just a little bit more. It IS purposeful, and it is NOT just semantics.
Yes, I understand that it just seems like an issue of semantics, or being PC, or language preferences, just plain pickiness, or whatever. I know! I would have agreed with you all at one time, too! But I'm speaking out of the kind of wisdom that can only come with experience, not because I *myself* am "wise," but because I've been blessed with MANY others along the road who were further down the line than I was, who took the time to pull me aside and explain my own misunderstandings and misguided thoughts, and who did so with patience and love and with a heart of wanting to see others grow. You can think I'm rude or argumentative or nuts or whatever else, but the truth of the matter is that I come with the same heart and attitude of wanting to see growth and to "pay back" what was graciously given to me.
I do wholeheartedly believe that the VAST majority of the women on this board (and similar ones) are trying to do their best. I know that! Honestly, I do. It's hard, even painful sometimes, to push yourself outside your own comfort zone, and to hear that maybe, just maybe, you aren't entirely correct. Not because you just don't care, but because you just haven't learned that particular thing yet. I'm still learning, too... I KNOW I don't have it all figured out! But hopefully we (as a community, myself included) can be a little more accepting and thoughtful and contemplative about differing opinions, views, and voices. It's really easy to agree with the majority who all share basically the same views. The challenge comes when someone introduces something new, and maybe it's quite different from your opinions at first. But then again, maybe they have a nugget of gold to share that you wouldn't hear otherwise.
I really hesitate to go back to this, but wow... that was hurtful, and IMO, unnecessary. You have missed her point entirely, and you haven't yet listened or responded directly to anything I've had to say, so I'm not sure trying to reiterate her thoughts would do any good. But please, I'm saying this with as kind and gentle a heart as I possibly can, please go back and *listen* to what she's said, in both this and other posts.
"I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two. -Bob Constantine
"All for Love,' a Saviour prayed 'Abba Father have Your way. Though they know not what they do...Let the Cross draw men to You...."
Married3.23.03, I don't have any regrets about anything I wrote. That is honestly how I feel. From everything I've read, written by Sabrina, I would not like her as a person regardless of whether she was adopted. She sounds like a young, immature woman who is judging others for not agreeing 100% with everything she wrote. People's initial response (as I understood them) was along the lines of "thank you for your input, we value it, but we also know that not everyone feels the same way" (as is evidenced by the several birthmoms who recently posted to that effect.
Again, as I mentioned in one of my previous posts, it is more important how you treat the birth/first (I refuse to say natural) mother and how you speak of/educate your kids about her, than it is what PC term you decide on when referring to that woman (and father, if appropriate).Overall, I agree with most of what you say.
I did not respond to all of your previous comments b/c I too have a toddler and don't have the time to do so. My original response to you (if you want more details now) was that you assumed everyone was speaking out against Sabrina as a result of their infertility. I saw very little reference to infertility in the responses. I did not get the impression that anyone was "mad" at sabrina b/c they were hurting over IF. You don't have to have IF to adopt, and many women here have never dealth wiht IF. There are many paths to adoption. I thought you were "reading things into the post" to assume people were mad at Sabrina b/c they were infertile. It made no sense to me.
And I do think it's a shame when people are not open to adoption b/c they are not gentically related to the child. I did not deny I was judgmental in that regard. It's the same when I see women who struggle with IF and then say they will go childless if they can't have their own. I secretly judge them as well. Obviously, they should not be adopting if they feel that way (but I still judge). While we're on the topic, I'm also judgmental of people like the Duggars who have 9 million biological children. I think it's irresponsible and selfish. In this regard, I. am. judgmental. And I'm ok with it.
It is a relief to know your ability to love isn't t he hang up. I am sorry I misconstrued your words to mean that.
But...
Go visit some of the world's orphanages (or where orphans live on the streets) (or heck, just study the foster system in the U.S.) and then come back and defend your "noble" boycott of adoption. Or, you could also listen to some of the opinions of birthmothers posted on this board where they celebrate the beauty of adoption along with the adoptive mothers. Some aspects of the healthcare system are corrupt, doesn't mean we should ban hospitals and doctors.
It's better to address the corruption than to throw the baby out with the bath water, so to speak.
candm -- It's fine if you don't "like" or even agree with someone else on this board. We're not all cut from the same mold; it's ok. But what I'm so disappointed about was the *overall* lack of respect and understanding. TO ME, it felt from the beginning, that the responses to the OP (*overall,* again, not literally every single person) were rude, dismissive, and intolerant. That is my personal opinion; obviously many do not share that view or understand why some things have come across that way.
The frustration for me is greater than merely this thread. It is that this thread (and many, though not all, posts on it) is indicative of how MUCH of society tends to view adoptees and their opinions. We're happy to give them lip service and listen to the happy stories that give us warm fuzzies. But it's too painful to hear the equally important stories of adoptees who DO have some regrets, who DO have pain about their adoptions, who DO have feelings of abandonment, rejection, etc., and who DO think it's downright unfair that most states have laws against them having even something as basic as their original birth certificate.
It bothered me before I was a mom, but since our daughter has been born, it has REALLY bothered me, because it affects a REAL person now that I REALLY love! Of course, my hope and prayer is that she will be spared some of the hurt and confusion that some adoptees have, but if she DOES end up going through some of these issues, I would never ever want her to feel patronized by society. I know how *we* as her family would do anything for her to help her through such things, but I cannot control everyone else she will come into contact with... and of course, it doesn't take much for Mama Bear to feel that urge to protect her baby!
So that is where I'm coming from. Not that I think everyone has to agree, and not that I think "we" are 100% right and "you" are 100% wrong, but that it pains me to see an overall theme of disrespect and refusal to hear other opinions, particularly when they are different from the majority here. I don't believe Sabrina is an "angry adoptee" at all. I think she's frustrated that she (for the most part) hasn't been heard, and probably feels like she came in with a gentle word of advice to sincerely try to offer others her help and perspective, and from response #1 she was attacked. I just heard the responses (again, OVERALL... not literally every single one) completely differently from you, I guess.
In response to your first paragraph -- Yes, OF COURSE, it is all about how we treat other people and the heart/attitude behind the words. I'm not sure anyone disagrees with that. But part of how we treat others (IMO) is being considerate of their feelings and realizing that some of the words that we use are hurtful. It's not about PC, it's about respect. AGAIN, my big issue is pre-birth/pre-placement. Post-birth, if a mom wants to call herself a "birthmom," hey, you go for it! At the same time, recognizing WHY other "birthmoms" may be offended/hurt by it, and would prefer another term themselves.
In response to your second paragraph -- Honestly, I felt that you were being a little passive-aggressive with one of your posts "about" me, but not "to" me. That was why I invited you to address me directly if you didn't agree with something I said. Perhaps I misunderstood, and I apologize if I did. @ infertility references -- That's the standpoint *I'm* coming from, but I know not all others are. I was merely trying to make the point that adoption is first and foremost about the CHILD, not us as parents and our needs/wants/desires.
TIA to anyone who read this all the way through!
candm (or anyone else for that matter), feel free to respond and have the "last word." This will be my final post on this thread, but I'll remain open for discussion on the board in general.