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**new to the stepmom role**

BrooklynnsMomBrooklynnsMom
in Blended Families

hi everyone!

I am recently engaged to my BF who has a daughter who is 9. she and i get along so wonderfully and have bonded quickly (she lives with him and so the 3 of us spend a lot of time together). her biological mother has pretty much isolated her from the rest of her kids (who are with her current husband) and she does very little in the way of nurturing and uplifting this wonderful little girl. does anyone have any advice for me since i amm officially gaining the title of SM?

 

thanks so much!! i'm new to the site and love it so far :)

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Re: **new to the stepmom role**

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    shaysmom05shaysmom05 member

    The only advice I can give is love them like your own. :) You'd be suprised how much will come naturally. GL to you!

    "Momma! She's doing it again!!" Photobucket
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    PinkIsPerfectPinkIsPerfect member

    I agree with Shaysmom5.  Keep doin' what you're doin!

    As the mother of a 7 1/2 year old little girl, I cannot imagine why this mother wouldn't absolutely cherish that little girl.  I am divorced from my little girls father, and we're both remarried, but have remained the best of friends for her sake.  My daughter's SM is wonderfully caring and is my daughter's friend - but I cannot imagine her having to "take my place", per se, because I failed to emotionally/physically nuture & care for my little girl.  That's really unfortunate for everyone.

    I commend you for stepping up.  It's not easy taking on someone else's child to help raise, but it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job!  I'm sure your FI & SD appreciate it as well.

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    Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    Allow yourself to be a parent but don't expect to be her Mom even if her Mom sucks and is not there.  But be willing to do the things a Mom needs to do if her Mom does not/will not (think bras, prom dresses, etc.)  Try to be a cross between a Mom and friend, maybe an aunt.  And remember that your relationship will continue to change and she might have a set back when you get married and step into more of a parent role (if you do not already) and have to give discipline, etc.  Take things one step at a time.  And talk to your FI now about things that you do not like so that you can agree before you are married about how things will be - even if you are talking about bedtime, computers, clothes, etc.  You cannot expect her to accept that you get married and things now change - and you cannot expect that her or her Dad will change, if there are issues are they things you can live with?
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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    kristin329kristin329

    Just you and her dad, make her life with you as wonderful as you can.  The hurt of her mom will affect her but if she has a nice life and strong support system in both of you, that will go a long way.

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    CampanitaCampanita

    I think LittleJen hit the nail on this one!  I have a 10 yr. old SD, at first we went through our "honeymoon" phase and everything BM did was wrong in my eyes and my SD was a victim . . . she was 7 at the time.

    Then once I DH and SD moved into my home things changed a little.  Kids can be manipulative sometimes, or test their limits-- that's just what they do!  So, for me the main lesson being a SM is staying objective.  As a blended family member one cannot waste time worrying about what the other parent is doing. 1. Make sure that the time with you is valuable and well spent.  2.  Make sure your FI and you agree on how to raise SD!!  Very, very IMPORTANT!  3.  Be yourself.  Don't think that you have to be any other way that way your SD knows what to expect from you.  4.  Don't be on the look out to compare yourself to the BM.  This is why we all vent on this forum . . . who knows what this lady has been through?  If something really annoys you we are here for you as a sounding board that way you get it out of your system and don't end up talking about about BM to SD.

    Best wishes, and welcome to our community!!Party!!!

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    LoveHope83LoveHope83
    imageshaysmom05:

    The only advice I can give is love them like your own. :) You'd be suprised how much will come naturally. GL to you!

    Ditto! I have two step-children(acutally just posted about them earlier). Loving them like your own, no matter how poorly BM treats them, is the best thing you can do!  And it does come naturally! Best of luck to you!

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    BrooklynnsMomBrooklynnsMom
    THANKS to you all for the advice!! It is so helpful to hear from others who are sharing the same types of experiences! I appreciate you all!!!
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