Please help.... Moms of 4 or more.

Lil Kate

I am struggling with so much guilt. I have my boys who are 4.5 and 3 and my 9 week old twin girls. I feel like I can't meet any of their needs and am not able to be the mom I used to be to the boys. I am struggling to come to terms with our new reality. How do you split your time between all your children. I have lots if help but feel like I am failing

Mrs.AshAsh

Im interested in hearing answers because Im in your boat and am already feeling guilty.

All I can say, from mom to mom, I KNOW you are doing the best that you can at this point in time. You are an amazing woman and all of those kids are very lucky to have such a strong, beautiful, dedicated and loving role model. Im certain that things are difficult but please know you are great and all of those kids love you to pieces. Keep up the amazing job you are doing!!! *Hugs*

LottaLattes

Gosh my situ is different because my older kids were 7 and 10 when I had the twins but the feelings were the same. I would say, have someone come over who can help you with the babies for a bit so you can have some 1:1 or 1:2 time with them if you can. Or figure out how to leave the hubs with three kids and go get an ice cream cone or something. It won't fix everything but those quick dates can mean the world for your feeling of doing things well. And try to find things you can do with them while caring for the babies. My eldest had a "toy baby brother" that he happily nursed out of his belly button while I nursed my second son. Or play games like hide a few toys around the house so they can play warmer colder while you feed babies. But really, I did a lot of projection to next summer (this year) when it really did get a lot better. Last summer kind of sucked from a mom of older kids perspective but they are ok! Hang in there!!

JKGymnast

I am not in your situation b/c Im only 8wks PG with twins, and have a 2 year old... however I have talked to my mom a lot about this because she had three kids, then my twin sister and I came along. I always wondered how she spread the love and attention - and she did NOT have the help it sounds like you have. She pointed out that kids are very resilient ... They adapt and they don't hold grudges. Your sweet boys will NOT remember next year that their mom spent a lot of time with the little babies and not as much as she used to with me! Also this is all temporary... It's not going to be like this forever. This is just the more difficult age for the twins and they require a lot of attention.

One thing I read once was when the babies are not in your arms and you're playing with the older siblings, if the babies start crying, say something like "Not right now babies, I'm playing with big brother." And give it a minute or so before you grab them. Or at feeding time, say "One minute babies, big brothers get a snack first!" That way they know they come first sometimes!

Big hugs!! You're doing wonderful!

Mrs JillB

I've only got one older child, but I just wanted to say that I feel you. It's so hard to make sure ds1 gets attention that doesn't involve the twins. Add on top of that that I'm very tired and sometimes all touched out, it gets worse. I know this will pass, but I feel the guilt right now. Hugs.

Lil Kate

JKGymnast said:

I am not in your situation b/c Im only 8wks PG with twins, and have a 2 year old... however I have talked to my mom a lot about this because she had three kids, then my twin sister and I came along. I always wondered how she spread the love and attention - and she did NOT have the help it sounds like you have. She pointed out that kids are very resilient ... They adapt and they don't hold grudges. Your sweet boys will NOT remember next year that their mom spent a lot of time with the little babies and not as much as she used to with me! Also this is all temporary... It's not going to be like this forever. This is just the more difficult age for the twins and they require a lot of attention.

One thing I read once was when the babies are not in your arms and you're playing with the older siblings, if the babies start crying, say something like "Not right now babies, I'm playing with big brother." And give it a minute or so before you grab them. Or at feeding time, say "One minute babies, big brothers get a snack first!" That way they know they come first sometimes!

Big hugs!! You're doing wonderful!

Love that idea to make them think the babies are waiting! Thanks

s0ulchicken

Lil Kate said:

JKGymnast said:

I am not in your situation b/c Im only 8wks PG with twins, and have a 2 year old... however I have talked to my mom a lot about this because she had three kids, then my twin sister and I came along. I always wondered how she spread the love and attention - and she did NOT have the help it sounds like you have. She pointed out that kids are very resilient ... They adapt and they don't hold grudges. Your sweet boys will NOT remember next year that their mom spent a lot of time with the little babies and not as much as she used to with me! Also this is all temporary... It's not going to be like this forever. This is just the more difficult age for the twins and they require a lot of attention.

One thing I read once was when the babies are not in your arms and you're playing with the older siblings, if the babies start crying, say something like "Not right now babies, I'm playing with big brother." And give it a minute or so before you grab them. Or at feeding time, say "One minute babies, big brothers get a snack first!" That way they know they come first sometimes!

Big hugs!! You're doing wonderful!

Love that idea to make them think the babies are waiting! Thanks

The above is exactly what I did when DD2 was born. DS was 3.5, and I remember that really meaning a lot to him.
When the twins were born, DS was 9 and DD was 5. We did a lot of snuggling together, and I had them both read to me while I was tending the babies. Sometimes one of their story books, sometimes a story that they had "written."
Do you have an iPad or Kindle? Maybe you could stream a movie together and chat about it while you're feeding or something. It is hard, for sure, but rumor has it that it does get easier!

Hunter22

I only have three, my son was 2.5 when the girls were born. It was hard, my little man definitely got the back seat and in some cases really the brunt of me being overwhelmed and short. I carved out special time for him at night and made a special good night routine. My husband and I took turns taking him out to the movies or something for one on one time. As the twins got older and he could interact with them it got easier. Now that they are two and he's 4.5 they play with each other and we now try to figure out how to have one on one time with the twins! It gets easier as they get older, that first year though was definitely hard.

twobytwomom

I have 4 year old twin boys and 7 month old twin girls. I worried about this before the boys came, but I am doing the best I can, and all of my kids are very happy. I make it a point that if all 4 of them need something, I try to help the boys first (they will remember, the girls will not); I let the boys be involved with everything I'm doing with the girls; and I also do what PP said and tell the girls they have to "wait" sometimes if I'm doing something with the boys. It gets easier, and  you will be great! Hang in there!

Lil Kate

Thanks for all the advice and encouragement. Glad to hear it gets easier

Rynleigh

My girls are 11yrs and 6yrs, so they have a little more independence than your boys. I agree with twobytwo also - sometimes, the babies just have to cry for a few minutes while I make sure the girls have what they need - though that's less common for us since the girls are so much older. I also make a point to have at least one evening and one weekend day, each week, where Dad takes the twins for a few hours while I take the girls out to do something just with me. For us, that means getting their nails done or going out for lunch or going swimming - but it could be anything your boys enjoy doing. Then we do the same thing with Dad a couple nights a week where I'll stay with the twins while he takes the girls shopping or out to the park. 

I think it gets harder before it gets better, because with two crawlers it's a lot more work right now - but being able to set them in their playpen and have them hold their own bottles makes a big difference, too  

TheDairyQueenx3

While my twin boys are not hear yet because I'm only 20 weeks we already started change in our house with our 3 year old son. Making him feel like he has a major role in their lives by now becoming the big helper of the house since he's not the baby but the big boy and he eats it right up! He calls them his babies and how he gets to be mommies helper in taking care of them and its a very important job. He now helps me pick up the house or fold baby cloths, he talks to them and "reads them stories". So when they do get here transition will be fairly easy because he's already expecting two babies to be taking up moms time and we made sure he is very aware they are time consuming ( but explained in a way he understood). Also we set 2 nights a month aside just for him a mom date night and a daddy date night he picks the activity and we take him out so we get one on one time while the other parent will say back with the twins. Im not expecting it to be perfect by any means but I'm hoping that we have set it up so it just goes smoother and jealousy won't be too much of an issue. He has been begging for siblings for so long so once he found out he was getting too well let's just say he was more exciting than Christmas morning GL! Sorry I can't be of much help