I'm seriously losing it.

SuperSecretStatus

Thanks to a mix of major insecurity, paranoia, and my depression taking back over I seem to be falling off the deep end. I have never truly been a jealous person. However, with the combination of the crap that's been going on with DH and I since the beginning of the year I have turned into one of "those" women. Mind you, I have no idea what that means, but I hate feeling this way.

As most of you know, DH has been really distant and irresponsible, especially after his sister died in April. Well, he's off to school in AZ until December now and it's like I feel part of myself slipping away or something. I have this horrible feeling that I cant shake and something is not sitting right with me. DH is supposed to be communicating with me about his spending, and while I don't expect him to be texting me 24/7 he barely even texts me other than to say "I'm off to school, ILY" or ask me to do something for him.

He sent me some pictures and videos yesterday which was nice, but he was still pretty "distant" and had maybe one short text to my 3-4 long ones. DD made him a video and all he responded with was "lol tater tots" after over an hour saying he dozed off. I never heard from him after that. Well I made the mistake of looking at our phone records today, and lo and behold he spent 4.5 hours (from like 6:30pm until almost 11pm) texting back and forth with someone after he stopped texting me.

He's hasn't even been at school for 2 weeks, and I'm already freaking out about not only money but also his lack of communication and what he's doing. I confided in him last week that I've been feeling like I don't want to be alive (I'm not suicidal, I just want to disappear), and all he said was for me to stop being so self abusive and said that's the first half of my issue. He also said, "I promise you feel better than I do." He hasn't asked me how I feel since.

I am trying to be supportive and not bitch at him or nag about things, but we're going to be short $150 a month starting in August, and that's going to be a huge issue with trying to fund him and keep things afloat here.

I'm so sorry this is long, and I really didn't want to post it, but I can't really talk to anyone in real life about this and needed to get it out because it's eating me alive.

sleepy33

Can I just say, I do not think you are losing it, I think your suspicions are right on. Is the bank account you use one where his paycheck is direct deposited? I would open another account take out all but his allotted amount that you can afford, and use your new account to support yourself and your daughter. I would not allow him to compromise your financial security b/c he can't abide by the budget.

scarver

I don't really know what to say except sorry and your gut is usually right

I really hope you find someone your able to talk to cause you shouldn't be dealing with this alone.

acethebase

Yeah I would feel the same way. It doesn't help that he won't really talk your guys issues out. I know I always feel the worst when I feel like I can't talk to DH, I feel so alone...... It's the worst feeling. I don't really have any advice because its not like you can force your DH to talk to you but I'm here if you need to talk

blondolphn

I want to say there is a logical explanation like he is texting a classmate about whatever school/schedule there is going on. Other than that, I don't have any good advice. But it sounds like he isn't concerned about your financial situation or what is going on with your family.

Phalaenopsis

I'm sorry you are in this situation. If at any time you feel like hurting yourself or other ppl, seek medical attention. And I agree with @sleepy33..

SuperTreesa

First off, give yourself a huge break. Being suspicious when your husband is acting out of character and shady is appropriate. If you weren't suspicious, you'd be a doormat. Secondly, have you tried to figure out who he is texting for hours? That would be my first step. Then, I would start setting up an exist strategy for myself and daughters. Hopefully, there would be no reason to need it. But I would make sure I had one available.

bkeane619

call the phone number and see who answers...

SuperSecretStatus

I will respond more in a minute, but I have to go cook DD some lunch. Thank you ladies for taking time to reply to my thread. I hate always being a debbie downer with my stupid drama.

ohkay

Seems fishy to me. I'd reverse look up the phone number and see if it is just a friend of his. How did he act before he went away for school? Has he always been that short? Not saying this is the case for you, but my ex did that when I was pregnant with DD1. Turns out was cheating.

Try not to focus so much on him. The more you dwell on it, the worse you will feel. Plus they more you are soen his throat, the more he will withdrawl. Also is there anyone else you can confide you feelings to? Maybe a friend? You need to talk about your feelings, and by his answers, I would say he is a little freaked out and would rather ignore the issue.

Oh and if he isn't going to class, why is his butt still out there? Has he mentioned why?

Keep your chin up. It sucks being ignored by someone you love, but you have to be tough. You have a sweet LO counting on you and is going to adore you!

Alexandrap

I like the idea that @sleepy33 had about the new account. He needs to understand that his family needs to be able to survive financially when he's not there. I would also try to figure out the who the number belonged to and knowing myself I would also try to keep track of all cell activity. Is he really not using his phone a lot which would go along the lines of his not communicating a lot with you. Or is he talking to everyone else BUT you.

Personally I would also just stop calling and texting him just to see if he would even make te effort himself. Whether or not he does would say a lot to me. He can't keep using the excuse of his sisters passing, as tragic as it may be, to continuously neglect his family who is still with him on this earth. If you ever need to talk you can always PM me so long as I can figure it out from mobile. Good luck hun.

tashad18

Alexandrap said:

Personally I would also just stop calling and texting him just to see if he would even make te effort himself. Whether or not he does would say a lot to me. He can't keep using the excuse of his sisters passing, as tragic as it may be, to continuously neglect his family who is still with him on this earth. If you ever need to talk you can always PM me so long as I can figure it out from mobile. Good luck hun.

I agree with this.  Why should you make the effort if he is not.  Focus on yourself and little ones.  You have to do what is best for you all even if it means that he is not part of that picture.  I hope that things get better for you. 

SuperSecretStatus

@sleepy33
We have 2 Checking and 1 Savings account. He had $2300 travel pay to use, and it was gone as of a day or so ago. He's going to get TDY, but they are doing it with vouchers, the first of which he can't submit until 30 days after his report date (the 21st of July). I have tried several different ways to save money when we're separated, but all of them fail. He is supposed to be using his government credit card, but he doesn't want to start using that until closer to him submitting the voucher so that the reimbursement will cover the monthly payment.

@Phalaenopsis
No worries, I've never been suicidal or wanted to really harm myself. It's more a sense that everything would just be better if I didn't exist.

@blondolphn
That's honestly what I'm hoping. I asked his sister if she recognized the number because the area code is the same as where she lives and where he spent a few days while traveling to AZ. She didn't know it, but there's plenty of people from all over that are at that school I'm sure. That number has never been on our phone log before until yesterday. There's no calls either, just texts.

@SuperTreesa
There's no way for me to find out who it is minus calling and hoping someone answers like @bkeane619 suggested. For the record, I tried it earlier. It rang once then the call dropped as though I lost signal even though I didn't. I guess in a way I do have an exit strategy, but I would have to wait at least until this baby is born because of insurance and all that. My grandparents have offered to help me if I leave, but only until I get on my feet. I can't really work like I'd need to so I don't know how that would work.

@ohkay
For the 2 weeks that he was stranded here at home before he left, things seemed to be looking up. He was more affectionate, even though he still wasn't interested in having sex with me. We'd cuddle up on the couch and watch movies or play games. He helped me clean, and he was a little better with DD. He said that he would miss me when he left, and that he always does even when things aren't great between us.

He just started school on the 22nd I think and won't graduate until early Dec. He switched his MOS which is why he's there. I am trying not to dwell on it, but at the same time I need him to talk to me so we can make it through these next five months. He told me to get my feelings off my chest which is why I confided in him the way I did. Normally I just keep it inside.

yesthisiskim0401

Call your cell phone provider and request a print out of his texts. It may take a while for them to mail them to you but you won't have to have that doubt-cloud hanging over you wonder WTF he is talking about to this stranger in AZ. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. Also do a quick google search of that number to see what/who comes up.

Inn2

I'm sorry you are going through this and wish I could help more . I'm one of the ones that is here if you need to talk.

SuperSecretStatus

yesthisiskim0401 said:

Call your cell phone provider and request a print out of his texts. It may take a while for them to mail them to you but you won't have to have that doubt-cloud hanging over you wonder WTF he is talking about to this stranger in AZ. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. Also do a quick google search of that number to see what/who comes up.

T-mobile doesn't do text printouts unfortunately. It wouldn't bother me so much if he actually spent time talking to me like he is doing these other people. I'm sure most of them are people he has met there, but this me bothered me because it's a TX number, he spent 4.5 hours at night texting them, and he didn't text anymore wen he was obviously awake. He went out and bought a new wedding ring to wear since the one I bought him only fits on his index finger. He wears both of them.

I just want to go to AZ and shake him or something. We are not dating. Do not send me mixed signals and stuff. I don't need this shit.

Welp just looked up the info and the number is for some girl who lives where I met him when we first got together. I wonder how they know each other.

ETA: Found her on facebook really easily. She has two kids and her status says she's in a relationship.

yesthisiskim0401

SuperSecretStatus said:

Welp just looked up the info and the number is for some girl who lives where I met him when we first got together. I wonder how they know each other.

ETA: Found her on facebook really easily. She has two kids and her status says she's in a relationship.

Sorry I'm messing up quotes and stuff here...

But this is not cool. I would ask him about it. You're right. You're not dating. You're flucking married. If he decides to not come clean about it, confront her on FB. You have every right to.

marianaz0

I'd be happy to call the number for you!!!! Trust your gut and know that there's a whole community behind you that supports you and is here for you!

LSP87

I'm so sorry you're so down and feeling so uncomfortable. I can't imagine feeling any differently. I really hope you guys can improve your communication and hopefully he will realize just how much if a toll it's all taking on you. I'm glad you shared your feelings with us.

SuperSecretStatus

yesthisiskim0401 said:

SuperSecretStatus said:

Welp just looked up the info and the number is for some girl who lives where I met him when we first got together. I wonder how they know each other.

ETA: Found her on facebook really easily. She has two kids and her status says she's in a relationship.

Sorry I'm messing up quotes and stuff here...

But this is not cool. I would ask him about it. You're right. You're not dating. You're flucking married. If he decides to not come clean about it, confront her on FB. You have every right to.

Make that 3 kids. Anyway, last night is the first and only time they've texted each other and he initiated it. I'm going to ask his sister if she knows her since the girl lives a town over.

DH isn't talking to me. He had $3 in his account this morning after going out last night so I put $50 in so he wouldn't end up overdrawn and texted him but he's yet to respond or even say thank you. I know he's probably tired of me harping about finances, but he's really not helping.

Alexandrap

Do you think if you straight up asked him who so and so is that he would e honest with you. I mean if he says oh she's some chick I know from way back and actually acknowledges that he has been in contact with this woman I think it may ease my mind a tiny bit that he's already honest about his relationship with her. Also if he denies even knowing the name when you have clear evidence to the contrary then do you think you would confront him? I think a good question to ask yourself before opening a possible can of worms is how far are you willing to take things...

SuperSecretStatus

Alexandrap said:

Do you think if you straight up asked him who so and so is that he would e honest with you. I mean if he says oh she's some chick I know from way back and actually acknowledges that he has been in contact with this woman I think it may ease my mind a tiny bit that he's already honest about his relationship with her. Also if he denies even knowing the name when you have clear evidence to the contrary then do you think you would confront him? I think a good question to ask yourself before opening a possible can of worms is how far are you willing to take things...

You are very right. My husband is slightly unstable when it comes to stuff like this. He locked me out of his phone a couple of months ago because he got upset that I was asking who these new girls that were texting him were. He's also threatened to get his own phone even though we can't really afford anything like that.

I am waiting to hear back from his sister to see if she knows the girl. I'm not trying to jump to conclusions or anything, and I won't confront him until I know more.

Alexandrap

@supersecretstatus I think the first thing you should consider is how you want to handle the whole situation as in how you are feeling and his actions. Do you want to wait till he's home and have the conversation face to face, even though that is a really long time to sit on the kinds feelings that you are having.

Do you want to do it over the phone or can he come home some weekend so that you guys can at the very least clear the air so that at the very least you have a clear idea of where things are heading for you guys. I hate that you are in this situation and I wish I could reach through my phone and hug you. I speak from more experience than I ever want anyone to have so at the very least I understand the things that you are feeling.

Wino0920

So sorry Super! I wouldn't stop til I got the bottom of the problem here.

SuperSecretStatus

Thanks y'all. Looks like his sister has no clue who this girl is so that's a dead end. I'm going to wait and see if there's any more correspondence between them over the next few months. He can't come home while he's out at school, and after he graduates he'll be going straight to his new unit in FL.

While he was in TX, he told my grandmother that me and the girls can leave him at any time and it wouldn't bother him. He also told her that he wants me and the girls to stay here in NC when he goes to FL because he plans on going off to as many schools as possible. He also told his sister that he loves me just as much if not more than when we first got together.

He told me before he left here that he thought me meeting him in FL to look for a house for us to rent was a good idea and that he would try to come home on leave and help us move.

blondolphn

SuperSecretStatus said:

Alexandrap said:

Do you think if you straight up asked him who so and so is that he would e honest with you. I mean if he says oh she's some chick I know from way back and actually acknowledges that he has been in contact with this woman I think it may ease my mind a tiny bit that he's already honest about his relationship with her. Also if he denies even knowing the name when you have clear evidence to the contrary then do you think you would confront him? I think a good question to ask yourself before opening a possible can of worms is how far are you willing to take things...

You are very right. My husband is slightly unstable when it comes to stuff like this. He locked me out of his phone a couple of months ago because he got upset that I was asking who these new girls that were texting him were. He's also threatened to get his own phone even though we can't really afford anything like that.

I am waiting to hear back from his sister to see if she knows the girl. I'm not trying to jump to conclusions or anything, and I won't confront him until I know more.

Uh other new girls he was texting? Um unless it's a coworker or a classmate having a new girls phone number is never ok. And if you have to hide it, then it means it is something you shouldn't be doing.  I would start looking at different exit options to protect yourself. It will get better, but it takes time and it may mean simply being separated from your husband for awhile until he figures it out.
Oh and remember, in the military there is married or divorce. No separation. So yes, he can face legal actions in the military for cheating if that is what he is doing.

tmccord21

bkeane619 said:

call the phone number and see who answers...

Seriously. I would have been on this in 2 secs.

JenMatt2010

So sorry you're dealing with this. Hope he gets his act together soon. If he's being shady though, just remember to put you and your girls first.

SuperSecretStatus

blondolphn said:

Uh other new girls he was texting? Um unless it's a coworker or a classmate having a new girls phone number is never ok. And if you have to hide it, then it means it is something you shouldn't be doing.  I would start looking at different exit options to protect yourself. It will get better, but it takes time and it may mean simply being separated from your husband for awhile until he figures it out.
Oh and remember, in the military there is married or divorce. No separation. So yes, he can face legal actions in the military for cheating if that is what he is doing.

Oh yeah I have been collecting "evidence" to use if necessary.

Last year, he deployed in February with a 2 hour notice. While he was gone, I had time to sit and think about a lot of things and how bad/toxic things had gotten in our marriage. I had a bit of a breakdown and sent hima letter saying that we could use his 6 month deployment as half of the 12 months we had to be separated then he could move into the barracks once he got home. After that, we'd decide whether or not to get a divorce and if it went that way I'd stay around and help get our debt resolved.

Even the night I caught him at the restaurant surrounded by a bunch of women he said he wanted us to be together, but that I broke him with that letter and that I was no longer "special" to him and that I was just like everyone else who betrayed him. He said he didn't really care about anything but furthering his career and making as much money as possible so his girls could be taken care of.

blondolphn

I love the line about furthering his military career. Cause you know that worked in several General's favor when they were caught cheating...

SuperSecretStatus

blondolphn said:

I love the line about furthering his military career. Cause you know that worked in several General's favor when they were caught cheating...

Funny thing is that I've saved his precious career twice now. I know that he's selfish and I can deal with that most of the time, but this is getting ridiculous. He may care about the welfare of his girls to a certain extent, but I know he's doing this for himself. If he cared as much as he said he does he wouldn't have been upset with me wanting to get DD put into EFMP because it can mess up his opportunities in the military.

HFrizzle

So my question is, after reading all the responses, why are you still with him?

JenMatt2010

HFrizzle said:

So my question is, after reading all the responses, why are you still with him?

This. And if he loves you more now than he did when you first got together, I'd hate to know how he treated you then. I feel so bad for you to be going through this, but also think your approach of waiting and seeing what happens with him and that texting chick is inviting more heartache and not respecting yourself. I would demand answers now, this behavior is unacceptable from a married man with children and a new baby on the way.

SuperSecretStatus

HFrizzle said:

So my question is, after reading all the responses, why are you still with him?

1. I love him and am trying to make this work.

2. I'm honestly in no position to leave him even if I wanted/needed to. I can't work, I can't afford daycare, and I definitely can't afford insurance for myself. The only good thing is that the girls will be on his insurance regardless of what happens.

3. Things got better for a while when he came back from overseas last Aug. They started declining earlier this year, but then his last couple of weeks here at the house were really good so I was hoping it was just another "rough patch".

4. I gave him an out last year and he didn't take it. He swears that he wants to be with me, but at the same time he's just "empty" and is doing what he can right now.

JenMatt2010

Have you considered couples counseling? Or counseling just for him? Sounds like he has some issues he needs to work through, not all of them involving you. For the sake of you and your babies, I truly hope this situation gets better!

megs1409

I'm so sorry you have to be going through this right now.  I completely agree with @sleepy33.  Pull the money out of your account, give him an allowance and see what happens.  You need to protect yourself and your children.  Having an exit strategy will give you more confidence to do what you need in order to provide for yourself and your kids.

You're a better person that I am.  If I had seen there was only $3 left in an account, I would have left it as is and let him figure out that he was out of money. 

It's much easier for me to say, not being in your actual shoes, but if I were you, I would stop communicating with him.  See if he contacts you and for what purpose.  You can't force someone to want to communicate with you.  Free will is always an indication of how important you are in someone's life.  If they want you in their life, they'll make an effort.

Sending you positive vibes and virtual hugs.  Hang in there!

yesthisiskim0401

Why are you "giving him the out" and all the power in your relationship? If you're not happy and you feel like wanting to disappear over a man who shows you zero respect as a human being, let alone his wife, you have every right to tell him "You know what, I've had enough.". Sometimes love just isn't enough.

SuperSecretStatus

So my question is, after reading all the responses, why are you still with him?

JenMatt2010 said:

Have you considered couples counseling? Or counseling just for him? Sounds like he has some issues he needs to work through, not all of them involving you. For the sake of you and your babies, I truly hope this situation gets better!

We went to two 2 hour sessions, and in that small amount of time the counselor was concerned about a lot of things involving him and even agreed with my idea of him seeing a psychologist. The crazy thing is that we didn't even begin to scratch the surface of everything.

He says that he went to see a psychologist and that she told him that he wasn't controlling and that's all he needed to hear. He isn't honest and open with people so counseling won't work for him the way it should. He told me once that h talked to some ladies at work about our relationship, and they told him that I was controlling and abusive and he was a victim. I was livid because there's no way he was telling them the truth about what was going on.

I have a counselor, and I even picked one he could possibly go to because he would always end up coming home between 8 and 10pm most nights. He expressed interested in going to one of my sessions, but he never followed through.

huntjul

SuperSecretStatus said:

HFrizzle said:

So my question is, after reading all the responses, why are you still with him?

1. I love him and am trying to make this work.

2. I'm honestly in no position to leave him even if I wanted/needed to. I can't work, I can't afford daycare, and I definitely can't afford insurance for myself. The only good thing is that the girls will be on his insurance regardless of what happens.

3. Things got better for a while when he came back from overseas last Aug. They started declining earlier this year, but then his last couple of weeks here at the house were really good so I was hoping it was just another "rough patch".

4. I gave him an out last year and he didn't take it. He swears that he wants to be with me, but at the same time he's just "empty" and is doing what he can right now.

SSS, I'm sorry you're going through this.  Honestly from an outsider looking in, the relationship looks a little toxic.  It sounds pretty freaking suspicious that he's cheating, he's said he wants to be geographically apart from you while doing his school, he's spending through money you don't have, but when you've previously tried to call him on his shiz, he swears his allegiance but doesn't change his colors.  I'm not sure this guy can give you what you deserve, or even what you need.

I'd be wary cutting off the financial train by basically giving him a savings account allowance like Sleepy said.  That can backfire if he then goes and gets a credit card and spends up on that instead.  You guys need to get on the same page financially, and that is through frank discussion and budgeting complete with follow-up on a weekly basis to see how you are related to that budget and a commitment to stay to budget.  Basically giving him an allowance treats him like a child and doesn't solve the too-much-spending habits.

Try the "money matters" board on The Nest if you'd like someone to look at your budget and give you input on where cuts can be made.  I'm not a fan of staying with someone because you have no financial alternative...there has to be another solution for an exit strategy.

SuperSecretStatus

@megs1409
If the account overdraws it takes money directly out of our savings to cover it. The same goes for the main account. There's about $76 in our savings so that would get eaten up quickly. I sent him a text this morning asking what his daily allowance for everything is that the Army has given him. I also told him that he needs to work on a budget and stick with it and gave him some "easy" fixes (buy off the value menu, if he has access to a freezer and/or microwave he can buy groceries to keep in his room, shop at places like the dollar tree/goodwill/thrift stores). I haven't heard from him at all. I even tried to call twice (once this morning and once a few mins ago) with no response. I normally only text him with stuff pertaining to finances, our daughter, or to send him encouragement for school. I actually did stop randomly texting him a few days ago, and that's when he started sending me the "I'm going to class, IlY" texts. Before that he only texted me when he needed password/username info.

@yesthisiskim0401
I meant that I gave him an out last year with the whole separation thing. He decided he wanted to stay and work things out. As for my feelings, they aren't (all) because of him. It's just my depression kicking my ass lately as well being overwhelmed by everything that's been going on since the beginning of the year. It's been like a snowball turning into an avalanche. And it's funny that you say "sometimes love just isn't enough." I used those exact words last year in my letter to him and then not long ago with my therapist.

I don't want a divorce. I just want things to get better and stay that way. I just don't know how to get through to him or if it's even possible. If he doesn't want to be with me then I need him to say it. He's trying to push me away so that I will leave and be the one "at fault". I am trying to make the best decision for my daughters and myself.

@huntjul
I have made as many cuts as possible. I haven't even been to the grocery store this month, and I've rescheduled all but one of DDs dr appts just to save gas. My mom is living here and will be helping out with about $350 of bills plus groceries/food.

We had a long, thorough discussion and had a good plan set before he even left here. He wasn't supposed to run through the $2300 that he got advanced, and he's holding off on using the government credit card until closer to the time when he can submit his first voucher for reimbursement.

This thing with the texting just struck me as odd because like I said, last night is the first night they've contacted each other. He initiated it so obviously he already had her number. I'm wondering if he was drinking and looking through his phone and decided to chat her up. She's 2 years younger than me, but she has 3 kids so I don't even know. I'd think he'd go for some young girl with no kids or something if he was going to be chatting someone up.

beckybeth123

Honestly, there are some serious issues here. You all need to do couples counseling and you probably should both do individual counseling. You don't trust him and it sounds like he is emotionally abusive towards you. I have been with my DH for nine years, married for 4. In that time I have never felt like I needed to check his phone.