Marriage Advice

Adel26

So I've been lurking here forever and a half, and I've never really seen you ladies give bad advice, including when I had undiagnosed PPD and though ADHD was the only problem.PS, PPD was the major issue, though I do also have ADHD. So if anyone is willing to chime in, I'd appreciate it. 

My husband is a recovering alcoholic, as of 3 weeks ago. The tipping point was that he drank while out with my son, ran over a curb and popped two tires, totally fucking both rims. $400 to get everything fixed later, he decided that he should stop drinking. I think it's important to note that a week before this, he drank so much he slept through his alarm and was late to work, which also made him decide he should stop drinking. He does actually seem very much committed, and even when I went to stay at my mom's (also an alcoholic, she drove my son drunk when I was literally having a c-section to have my DD, so this is not a viable long-term alternative), he didn't drink. I do believe he can stop drinking for a long time, but my experience with my mom says drunks get drunk. She recently got a DUI where she hurt someone so bad they had to have surgery, after lots of times of "quitting" and 2 months in rehab, and 3 days in prison for another DUI. My husband is very aware of my history with my mom.

He constantly says it's not his fault about my mom. I think that's like poking someone in a gaping cut and telling them it's not their fault they have a wound there. When I explained that, he kind of got it, but I really don't think he understands how much this affects me. I remember honest to god fearing for my life when my mom would drive me and my brothers drunk. I WILL NOT have that for my children. 

My problem is, I don't know if I can forgive him for driving drunk with my baby in the car, even if he is sober now. I'm honestly disgusted. It's literally my worst nightmare. Would you forgive him? Not to mention, he's verbally abusive when drunk, the exact same way my mom was. Sober, he's a really good guy, a great dad, and a good person. I just don't know how much his sobriety should matter in my decision.

Right now I'm a stay at home mom, but I just signed up to go back to school so I will no longer be financially dependent. My program will take a year, and after that I can reasonably expect to get a job that will support my kids, if not in the lifestyle we're used to. If you were in my shoes, would you act like everything was normal? Or would you just continue quietly with an escape plan, or what?

CinemaGoddess

A year is a long time away.  Do you have any close family or friends you could stay with if you leave him before then?  

The drunk driving with the child in the car would not be a dealbreaker for me, but continued drinking after that behavior would.  He put his child's life on the line but alcohol was still more important.  

Noooooope.  

Do you have any skills right now that could get a job with enough of a paycheck to survive?  

LuckyDad

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I hope your husband can stay committed to staying sober for the sake of his family. If he can't, you need to get out. I think you should confront him directly and set an ultimatum. If he slips up, you are gone. Pretending everything is normal will not help him. This needs to be his bottom.

Is he working the steps? In treatment? Is he receiving medication? Does he have untreated depression issues?

He needs to go to meetings. He needs to get a sponsor. He needs to wake the fuck up before he drinks himself to death and doesn't get to see his son graduate or get married. He needs to wake the fuck up so he can be the sort of man who deserves to hold his future grandchildren in his arms. Otherwise, you are better off without him.

Adel26

I really appreciate all of you validating me here. He keeps saying he's not drinking, and that's all he can do. It's true, but I don't know if it's good enough. No, he isn't in rehab or going to meetings or anything. I don't mean to defend him at all, but he has been doing well on his own so far. 

I do have places I can go in an emergency, but none are options for more than a few weeks. My options are my dad, who is married to a schizophrenic whose delusions fixate on me killing my dad and my grandfather, which obviously makes her hate me, and she has physically attacked me twice, once while I was pregnant. (I know this makes this sound like MUD, but I swear it's the truth.), my grandfather, who is just really impossible to live with, and an ex-boyfriend, who is obviously not the best idea. I have no real job skills that would make me much more than minimum wage right now, and though I am not at all opposed to government assistance, I don't know if it would be enough. Also, all of these options are more than 8 hours away, and I don't think I can take my kids away from their dad, however he treats me. 

Believe me, I know what you're saying about drunk driving with my kid in the car being a deal breaker. I have told him if he ever had even a sip of alcohol again, it's over with me showing the judge the pictures of the tires and the receipts showing he was drunk at the time, meaning he will have NO custody. As of now, he is accountable for every cent he spends. He brings home receipts and is not allowed any cash at all. 

Ashleysyn, I know what you mean about not pretending, but is that really enabling if I'm doing it with a plan to leave? 

And more, I don't know if even a year sober is really enough.

Adel26

To clarify, he brings home receipts that I check against our bank account, so I know if he doesn't bring home a receipt. 

Adel26

I appreciate what you're saying. But no, I don't think I am. I have been very very clear that I am being incredibly generous in giving him another chance, and that if he has anything hinting at a slip up, we're gone for good. He also knows that the reason I'm going to school is so that I have a way to support our kids if we need to leave. 

What do you mean by letting it all go, though? I am more than open to admitting that I'm missing something.

Adel26

He is in treatment for depression, on Wellbutrin, which has a track record of helping with addictions, and also Zoloft. He told the doctor about the alcohol, but she didn't seem to think it was really an issue? 

LuckyDad

I'm glad your husband is not drinking for now. But seriously, addiction is a powerful thing. He needs to have more support in place so that when the urge and temptation strikes him he's not going to slip into old patterns. I know this is something you want to hide and sweep under the rug, but you both need a network of support of friends and family.

I feel you should demand he at least go to an AA meeting. If you can afford it, a counselor would be good too. Possibly a psychiatrist if he has depression issues. He's tried controlling it on his own. That didn't work. That's not a viable plan anymore. Sorry. No.

It's somewhat easy to stay sober for a week or a month. But what about Labor Day? New Year's? The Super Bowl? Alcohol is a huge part of our culture. It's also easy for one social drink to turn into a fall off the wagon. This is why he needs additional support.

My son will never meet his grandfather because my dad decided he liked being drunk more than facing life's troubles. This is a touchy subject for me. I don't want your son to go through what I did.

Adel26

Thank you. Sometimes real life is impossible to believe lol. He's open to seeing a counselor, but we don't have a babysitter, and I have trust issues obviously

LuckyDad

Ah, saw the bit that he is in treatment for his depression after I wrote my second post.

I'm glad he's getting treatment. Is it helping?

Adel26

LuckyDad said:

I'm glad your husband is not drinking for now. But seriously, addiction is a powerful thing. He needs to have more support in place so that when the urge and temptation strikes him he's not going to slip into old patterns. I know this is something you want to hide and sweep under the rug, but you both need a network of support of friends and family.

I feel you should demand he at least go to an AA meeting. If you can afford it, a counselor would be good too. Possibly a psychiatrist if he has depression issues. He's tried controlling it on his own. That didn't work. That's not a viable plan anymore. Sorry. No.

It's somewhat easy to stay sober for a week or a month. But what about Labor Day? New Year's? The Super Bowl? Alcohol is a huge part of our culture. It's also easy for one social drink to turn into a fall off the wagon. This is why he needs additional support.

My son will never meet his grandfather because my dad decided he liked being drunk more than facing life's troubles. This is a touchy subject for me. I don't want your son to go through what I did.

I know exactly what you mean. My mom is an abusive alcoholic. This will not be something that touches my kids, other than a life lesson. I know exactly how it feels to have an alcoholic parent. I assure everyone, the next sip of alcohol is me gone for good, no matter what it means. My dilemma is giving my husband a last chance.

I do think demanding AA meetings is a good idea. Is that punishing him, though? Although I do think punishing is in order. That's actually another issue I'm struggling with. 

Luckily and unluckily, social drinking isn't really an issue, because we don't really have any friends.

For those of you that are reacting to this as children of alcoholics, you have my complete and utter sympathy, because that's where I am too. In this case, I wonder if it's clouding my judgement, or just making it more honest.

Adel26

LuckyDad said:

Ah, saw the bit that he is in treatment for his depression after I wrote my second post.

I'm glad he's getting treatment. Is it helping?

It does seem to be. He's much less reactive-angry, if that makes sense. 

Adel26

ashleysyn2 said:

I meant letting the drinking issue go. But no, if you are being clear with what your intentions are, I don't think that's what you're doing. I hope that he follows through with his word and stays sober. I am really sorry you are going through all of this.

Me too, and thank you. 

Adel26

LuckyDad said:

 He needs to wake the fuck up before he drinks himself to death and doesn't get to see his son graduate or get married. He needs to wake the fuck up so he can be the sort of man who deserves to hold his future grandchildren in his arms. Otherwise, you are better off without him.

Thank you for this, as a child of an alcoholic. It's easing to see that someone else thinks that alcoholics don't necessarily deserve a place in their grandchildrens' lives.

Adel26

ashleysyn2 said:

Adel26 said:

He is in treatment for depression, on Wellbutrin, which has a track record of helping with addictions, and also Zoloft. He told the doctor about the alcohol, but she didn't seem to think it was really an issue? 

That is really strange that she wasn't concerned about his use considering how much alcohol use can contribute to depression and how much it can interact with meds. That is great that he is on them, though.

She apparently asked if he was drinking at work or when he first woke up. He's not, so apparently everything's okay. But yes, omg, it does interact with meds. 

LuckyDad

Adel26 said:

I know exactly what you mean. My mom is an abusive alcoholic. This will not be something that touches my kids, other than a life lesson. I know exactly how it feels to have an alcoholic parent. I assure everyone, the next sip of alcohol is me gone for good, no matter what it means. My dilemma is giving my husband a last chance.

I do think demanding AA meetings is a good idea. Is that punishing him, though? Although I do think punishing is in order. That's actually another issue I'm struggling with. 

Luckily and unluckily, social drinking isn't really an issue, because we don't really have any friends.

For those of you that are reacting to this as children of alcoholics, you have my complete and utter sympathy, because that's where I am too. In this case, I wonder if it's clouding my judgement, or just making it more honest.

I would view AA a a gift, not a punishment. Especially since you note a lack of friends. AA is about accountability and being able to connect with other people who understand you and who are going through what you are. I'm sure it's very very hard to go to that first meeting, but I would hope once he went he would get a lot out of it.

Do you have a sitter? You might benefit from an Al-Anon meeting. In hindsight I wish I had gone to Alateen when I was younger.

Adel26

So here's a related question, and LuckyDad, I'd especially like to hear your input on this. Would any you have sex with this man? Or if you were him, would you expect it?

Adel26

LuckyDad said:

Adel26 said:

I know exactly what you mean. My mom is an abusive alcoholic. This will not be something that touches my kids, other than a life lesson. I know exactly how it feels to have an alcoholic parent. I assure everyone, the next sip of alcohol is me gone for good, no matter what it means. My dilemma is giving my husband a last chance.

I do think demanding AA meetings is a good idea. Is that punishing him, though? Although I do think punishing is in order. That's actually another issue I'm struggling with. 

Luckily and unluckily, social drinking isn't really an issue, because we don't really have any friends.

For those of you that are reacting to this as children of alcoholics, you have my complete and utter sympathy, because that's where I am too. In this case, I wonder if it's clouding my judgement, or just making it more honest.

I would view AA a a gift, not a punishment. Especially since you note a lack of friends. AA is about accountability and being able to connect with other people who understand you and who are going through what you are. I'm sure it's very very hard to go to that first meeting, but I would hope once he went he would get a lot out of it.

Do you have a sitter? You might benefit from an Al-Anon meeting. In hindsight I wish I had gone to Alateen when I was younger.

We don't. I have a real issue trusting anyone but me with my kids. I have lately been very strongly considering going to Al-Anon though. I'm an atheist, though, and I have an issue with the higher power step. Do you think that would be an issue?

Adel26

Thank y'all. You have no idea how helpful it has been to get this out and to hear your unbiased an non-judgmental takes on it. 

LuckyDad

Adel26 said:

So here's a related question, and LuckyDad, I'd especially like to hear your input on this. Would any you have sex with this man? Or if you were him, would you expect it?

I think this is a question probably best discussed with a counselor.

It's a difficult question. I guess the short answer is you should only have sex with him if you feel like having sex with him. I don't think withholding sex would be constructive. If you two are working on healing your marriage, physical intimacy can certainly be one way to connect, especially if it is on your terms. I know you have trust issues and other issues going on.

I think you should maintain a dialog with him about your sex life and where you are at with regards to it. If you don't feel comfortable and relaxed enough with him to enjoy yourself, you should be honest with him about your feelings. He should understand that trust does take time to rebuild, and he may need to have some patience, especially in the short run.

74dragonfly

I think he should be going to AA and you ALANON. This is something you both need professional help with.
If you love him sober Id give him this chance.

robinsokj

You need to find new people to surround yourself with. If your only option is to send your dd with tout drunk mother while you give birth you really really need new people in your life

acesup

Onederful Mother said:

I am really sorry that you're going through this. There is no way I could stay unless he was in an actual rehabilitation program and the first time he relapsed, I would be out the door. The alcohol combined with the abusive behavior and disregard for your son's safety is barely deserving of a second chance, so no way in hell would he get more than that.

This. He'd be lucky to get a second chance with me after driving his son.

insertclevername

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I too have an alcoholic parent that drove drunk with me in the car, had multiple DWIs, physically and emotionally abused my mother and me.  The list goes on and on and it is probably something you are all too familiar with.

I am not in your situation but if I were then there is no way I would be able to get past my H driving drunk with my child in the car.  I am glad that your H is making an effort to stop drinking but unfortunately I have zero faith in alcoholics.  Also, if he is verbally abusive when drunk I can imagine that some of that seeps over in to sober time as well, especially when he is frustrated.

I think it is great that you are going to go back to school.  I know there is a lot of stigma surrounding Temporary Assistance or what most people call "welfare" but it really is there to assist people who end up in a situation they did not expect to be in.  In your situation, especially because there has been domestic violence in the home, you would most likely be eligible for cash assistance, the supplemental nutritition assistance program and child care while you go to school.  If you let them know that there has been domestic violence in the home and it is not a safe place to go back to then they will have you meet with a domestic violence counselor and they may be able to calculate your budget without including the income and resources that your H brings in.

I am sorry for the tl;dr but my heart really goes out to you.  If you want to stay I don't fault you for that because I cannot even imagine how difficult this whole situation must be.  Just know that there are other options out there and that you and your children deserve better.  I know that you don't want your children to become part of that alcoholic and DV family cycle.

If you want any more information or want to talk feel free to PM me. 

ByeBabyBunting

My DH is also an addict. Both alcohol and drugs. It has been a very long road and there have been many times I came very close to leaving. Treatment is key. He needs to be in AA and have a sponsor, not exceptions. Also couples therapy can be helpful, we did that for a while and it was good. One BIG thing for me was trust. I had basically zero trust in him, which was understandable, but he was trying so hard, and I would get suspicious and accuse him of drinking when he wasn't, which made him feel awful. We ended up getting a breathalyzer and it may have saved our marriage. I take it everywhere, vacations and day trips and if I am suspicious at all I hand it to him. He has passed every time. I am suspicious less and less and he gets to say I told you so  

GL, it is hard, but it is something you can overcome if you both want to. 

EDIT: I also want to add, I have had to adjust my life around DH's addictions. He cannot carry cash and I have complete control of the money in our relationship so that he cannot buy alcohol without me knowing about it. I have also stopped drinking and we don't go to places that there is alcohol, or I have to stay with him or lock it away if we do. If he has easy access, he will drink, so we plan our lives around limiting access. It is a life change for you as well as him. That is something to consider.

flyingsaucer

I didn't read all of the responses, but I just wanted to say that I think you should consider attending Al-Anon meetings. It's a group for family members of addicts. You have dealt with a lot of addiction wi those you love and I am sure could use this type of support to help you better handle the issues with your loved ones. Good luck

Adel26

ByeBabyBunting said:

My DH is also an addict. Both alcohol and drugs. It has been a very long road and there have been many times I came very close to leaving. Treatment is key. He needs to be in AA and have a sponsor, not exceptions. Also couples therapy can be helpful, we did that for a while and it was good. One BIG thing for me was trust. I had basically zero trust in him, which was understandable, but he was trying so hard, and I would get suspicious and accuse him of drinking when he wasn't, which made him feel awful. We ended up getting a breathalyzer and it may have saved our marriage. I take it everywhere, vacations and day trips and if I am suspicious at all I hand it to him. He has passed every time. I am suspicious less and less and he gets to say I told you so  

GL, it is hard, but it is something you can overcome if you both want to. 

EDIT: I also want to add, I have had to adjust my life around DH's addictions. He cannot carry cash and I have complete control of the money in our relationship so that he cannot buy alcohol without me knowing about it. I have also stopped drinking and we don't go to places that there is alcohol, or I have to stay with him or lock it away if we do. If he has easy access, he will drink, so we plan our lives around limiting access. It is a life change for you as well as him. That is something to consider.

Thank you so much for posting this. How it will affect my life is something I'm struggling with. It doesn't seem fair that I have to change so much for HIS problem. I know that sounds sooooooo selfish, but I feel like most of my life has been centered around alcohol. I am in control of the money now. 

To everyone talking about Al Anon, I think I am going to go. I looked up the meetings in my area, and there's one that seems convenient. 

Adel26

Seriously, thank y'all so much. I have no support in real life, and it has been incredible to hear what y'all have to say. At the risk of admitting how embarrassingly long I've lurked, I'm laughing at everyone who comes here and says how mean people are, and ISN'T THIS A PLACE FOR SUPPORT!!!11!!??. Y'all are awesome. 

Adel26

Brandi Bee said:

Escape plan.  Stat.

Addicts will always be addicts.  Even if he stays sober, his addiction will always be a part of your life and your LO's.  My dad was an alcoholic.  My parents did stay together and he did get sober, but you wouldn't believe what my mom went through and what she put us through holding onto him.  Don't do it.  Get out.  I'm sure he is deep down a great person and without addiction in his life, could be a great father.  But don't let his potential take priority over your child's here and now.

I would believe what you went through, because that's my experience, too. Addicts will always be addicts is forefront in my mind, but my husband really is a good man sober, and I think I owe my kids at least the chance for me to leave locally, so they can have controlled visits with him, as long as he's not crazy out of control. Right now my escape plan is finishing school to be able to support myself and my kids. It'll take a year, but it's doable, as long as he stays sober. If he doesn't, I'll move on to other back ups. They're definitely less than ideal, but I'm willing to use them. I really do hear what you're saying, but while he is actually being a good father, I want to give that to my kids. Honestly, I doubt this marriage will last, sober or not, but as long as he's succeeding at this, I'm going to put in the effort too. 

Please believe that if a drop of alcohol crosses his lips again, we will leave at that moment. I am not at all willing to live with an active alcoholic, and even less willing to expose my kids to that.

Adel26

Brandi Bee said:

Oh I believe you and like I said, I'm sure he's a good person.  He's sick, though, and he'll always have his disease.

I just meant with my post that I'd personally leave and make him prove his sobriety.  He needs to do it for himself not just to hang onto you, kwim?  Later down the road if he's functioning and sober on his own, then I'd give another chance.

But you know him better than I and I don't see your day to day lives.  If you think it's right, then good luck.

Thanks. Really, you sound like the other part of my head. 

meaglamillion

piglet6609 said:

Onederful Mother said:

I am really sorry that you're going through this. There is no way I could stay unless he was in an actual rehabilitation program and the first time he relapsed, I would be out the door. The alcohol combined with the abusive behavior and disregard for your son's safety is barely deserving of a second chance, so no way in hell would he get more than that.

This. He'd be lucky to get a second chance with me after driving his son.

This is where I'm at. I would lose so much respect for this alone.

KaramelSutra

Onederful Mother said:

I am really sorry that you're going through this. There is no way I could stay unless he was in an actual rehabilitation program and the first time he relapsed, I would be out the door. The alcohol combined with the abusive behavior and disregard for your son's safety is barely deserving of a second chance, so no way in hell would he get more than that.

everything here. I'm sorry