September 2013 Moms

MIL is oblivious and manipulative-I'm being driven insane

akasha14akasha14 member
edited July 2013 in September 2013 Moms
So, I can't even start at the beginning or this post would be as long as a Harry Potter novel, but I'll start in June.  If this is too long at least read where it says HERE, sitcom worthy.

My sisters had decided to throw my baby shower.  I live in Florida and they are in Ohio. My MIL lives in Florida, but not near us. Since my MIL had already planned on visiting her family in Atlanta she suggested that we ride together to Atlanta and I leave her with her family for the week while I continue to Ohio for the shower.  MIL said she could drive her sister's spare car while there that way I would have a larger vehicle to transport any gifts home and she would have company on her trip to Atlanta instead of driving solo. Also, this will allow her family in Atlanta to have a shower on the way back down so they won't have to come to Florida, but can still feel involved. I think great win/win for both parties and agree to MIL's plan.  

After driving for an hour MIL says she's tired and I offer to drive.  She then crawls in the back with her large dog and either reads, talks on her phone, or sleeps the ENTIRE rest of the way to Atlanta (~7 hours). The plan was for me to drive straight on if I felt up to it. I feel up to it and at the start of the drive I received a phone call from one of my sisters that she has started labor! I could be up there for my nephew's birth.  I am even more set on driving through.  During a gas/bathroom break almost to Atlanta MIL and I discuss that I want to keep going.  I go in to use the bathroom.  I walk out to MIL on her phone telling her sister to get the bedroom ready for me. What? I continue driving and keep bringing up how excited I am about my sister being in labor. We get to our destination. MIL and I go in for greetings and MIL says something about my wanting to leave early the next morning.  I am excited and on a caffeine high as well, since I had been prepping to go straight through, I had saved my daily dose for that evening. I say how awake I am and that I am good to go. MIL says she'd prefer if I waited.  It's her car so I feel I have to acquiesce.  I give in and go to sleep. I prefer driving at night, I'm missing my nephew's birth, and I feel misled, so I'm miffed, but I figure I need to keep my MIL happy.  I get up at 4:45 am and get on the road quickly. 

The week goes well. The night before I'm leaving I tell my family goodbye so I can get on the road to head back south early the next morning.  I call DH to tell him goodnight and receive the news that MIL has declared that the shower in  Atlanta can't happen the day it's been discussed occurring for 2 months, the next day.  It turns out her sister has to work.  So, MIL wants to move it back a day.  I call MIL and try to be accommodating, if it works better I'll stay an extra day. I learn on the phone call she has not invited any of her family members yet.  She tells me great, as soon as we hang up I'll call them to tell them to come. Who changes plans that have been in the works for 2 months and involve an 8 hour drive the night before? Again, I'm frustrated that she has totally disregard for me. The next day, I tell all of my family actually I'm still here and repeat the good byes of the day before that evening. She had told me that her sister worked til 4:30, and her brother 5 so to show up anytime after that.  No exact time given to me. I ask her to keep me updated. She also talked for 20 minutes about how she didn't get her nieces anything when they had kids so she feels bad having a true shower around them, and her mom and brother are on a fixed income so they really can't be expected to be at a true shower. I wonder, why she has been saying for two months she is having a shower for us when I go back through Atlanta?! The day of the "shower" she starts calling me annoyed that I am not there at 4:32.  :( I arrive at 5:30. which seemed reasonable based on her prior time table.  They have all already eaten because as MIL informs me "you were late." No presents, no decorations, the food is leftover chili from the day before.  MIL's sister did get a cake that did say congratulations.  I learn during the evening that MIL's sister didn't have to work after all.  No one bothered to update me so hence they started early and I was "late". 

HERE-We stay the night there. Leave the next morning. MIL keeps playing with her phone instead of focusing on driving.  Ten minutes into the 8 hour drive to Florida We get lit up.  As she is pulling to the side of the road MIL asks "Can I use you?" I am irritated at her for everything prior, and appalled at the question. Before I can answer the officer is at the window.  MIL was doing 77 in a 55! She starts telling the officer while pointing at me that "she is having PAINS and needs to get directly to the nearest hospital. This is my first grandchild and I am so worried." She really plays this up and seems on the verge of tears. I sit there HORRIFIED. The officer says we just passed the closest hospital , and then offers to get a medical unit to help us.  MIL says no "she doesn't have insurance so we were trying to keep it cheap, is there a walk-in clinic nearby?" Officer tries to insist on a medical unit, MIL says no and gets directions to walk-in clinic from officer. I don't say a word.  The officer lets us go and follows us off the interstate.  This results in a 45 minute detour as MIL has to find another way back on the interstate to avoid the officer.  Rest of the trip is uneventful (or so I think). 

We get back to my house and my MIL stays less than 5 minutes not waiting to visit with her son.  As I am carrying in the last item from the car MIL says "thanks for letting your dogs out to play with my dog."  I  had not let them out, I didn't want the dogs underfoot as we unloaded the car, not to mention they are crate trained and I always walk them before they get free reign.  I say "did I do something to offend you?" and she then starts yelling at me "after everything I've done for you the only thing I asked was you to let your dogs out to play with my dog. He's been cooped up all day in the car." I immediately say sorry, I'm so sorry. But MIL is still yelling about how I hardly said a word to her all day. (Don't forget she crawled in the back to sleep, talk on the phone, and read when I was driving to Atlanta). I had sat and talked to her about everything under the sun, but apparently it wasn't enough to suit her. 

DH hears about this when he gets home.  MIL yelling at me overshadows police officer debacle so no one ever tells her how unacceptable that is, and my DH doesn't seem to understand how awful that was either. DH calls mom tells her she needs to apologize for yelling at me.  She waits a week and 1/2 to apologize "so it can be in person". Says, "Sorry, I can be a bitch sometimes" and laughs. In my book not a sincere apology

MIL is moving to Europe for a two year job contract. Anything too good to throw away, but not nice enough to put in her storage unit she is "giving" to us.  I am trying to make room for a baby.  We only have a two bedroom home and already having to consolidate items.My DH is kind of a pack rat so organizing and consolidating is up to me. I am off for the summer because I am a teacher, but return to work in two weeks. I have politely voiced over and over I don't want her stuff.  I'm tired of hearing "it's a screaming deal, it's free", "this had great reviews", "you'll need one of these someday", etc. If we couldn't live without it we'd already have it. Now I have two leaf blowers, two hedge trimmers, a china hutch and the family china, a box literally labeled "junk drawer", glass containers, a knife block, a chair and ottoman, various injury wraps, a trash bag of her old clothes she thought I may like, a weight lifting belt, every family picture MIL had, a roll of upholstery fabric, etc.  She called DH yesterday and wants to also "give us" some scissors, and some dish towels.  The only thing out of all of the above that I think is acceptable is the china hutch and china, as they are family items. 

She's leaving in a matter of weeks and finally started trying to sell her car. She has offered to sell us her car over and over and we always say definitely not. Today, she calls and says she can't sell her car for what she thinks it's worth so she will "give it to us to trade-in toward a car and we can just give her the trade-in value." We are trying to avoid financing a car and I consider it common knowledge that dealer trade-in value is always less than private seller value. So, we'll end up owing her far more than what it's truly worth. Also, she is on a family cell phone plan with us and tells us that instead of paying to cancel her plan she is going to give us her phone and we can sell it and use the money to pay her cancellation fee.  Why is it our job to sell her phone?  Why does she expect the couple about to have a baby to front her cancellation fee and deal with selling her phone?

Plus, I'm 31 weeks pregnant I don't want yet another thing to have to handle. 

My DH only sees how friendly and giving his mother is being.  He doesn't seem to realize at all how manipulative, self-serving, and inconsiderate she is being. It's very frustrating. 
Advice very appreciated.  I am over it all.  DH has said to stop talking to him about his mother. I feel that she just bulldozes and does whatever suits her and works best for her in all situations.  She has total disregard for others.

Re: MIL is oblivious and manipulative-I'm being driven insane

  • Wow. I read the whole thing. I don't have any advice, but it seems you're lucky she's going to be in Europe for two years! So sorry about everything else. Did you get to be there for your nephew's birth?

    Jamie


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  • akasha14akasha14 member
    edited July 2013
    Unfortunately, I wasn't there for my nephew's birth, but I did get to see him when he was still only a few hours old and be there for my sister in the hospital.  Thanks for the advice ladies. I do realize it's lengthy.  I just needed to at least vent about it.
  • Holy wall of text! Is there a cliffs notes version?
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  • What a lousy woman. No qualms about lying in any way, to get her way. No qualms about using people, and happy to play the victim. That's just the beginning.  I wish your DH saw more, because you're not going to get far without his support (in pushing back, I mean). I'm glad she's leaving but I really wish someone would put her in her place.
  • I read the whole thing and found it pretty entertaining. Really it sounds like this is going to resolve itself soon as she is moving far away. Just keep saying no about the car. She can take that shit to Carmax and take whatever they give her for it. It's not your problem. I'm not sure what you expect her to do about the phone. Do you think she should pay you the cancellation fee?

    She does sound crazy but I think you guys are giving in to her too often and then you are letting it get to you. That's really between you and your DH.
    DS: 2/17/11          DD: 9/4/13
  • Holy wall of text! Is there a cliffs notes version?

    It may be long, but it's a good read.

    Jamie


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  • A37licia said:
    What a lousy woman. No qualms about lying in any way, to get her way. No qualms about using people, and happy to play the victim. That's just the beginning.  I wish your DH saw more, because you're not going to get far without his support (in pushing back, I mean). I'm glad she's leaving but I really wish someone would put her in her place.

    Yeah, the cop thing had me  :-O  and [-X

    BTW - I love a good MIL story, since I don't really have any of my own. My MIL is pretty awesome. I have told her that after reading some of the stories on here, I'm so glad she's not crazy!

    Jamie


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  • akasha14akasha14 member
    edited July 2013
    thedash said:
    I read the whole thing and found it pretty entertaining. Really it sounds like this is going to resolve itself soon as she is moving far away. Just keep saying no about the car. She can take that shit to Carmax and take whatever they give her for it. It's not your problem. I'm not sure what you expect her to do about the phone. Do you think she should pay you the cancellation fee?

    She does sound crazy but I think you guys are giving in to her too often and then you are letting it get to you. That's really between you and your DH.
    I feel like she should be selling her own phone and handling the cancelling with the phone company directly.  I'm not sure why we need to be involved at all. I feel like the way she does things if I don't give in I end up being the  b**ch in the situation. I fear it's going to come to that and for my DH's sake and the baby's I'd like it not to. Thanks for your thoughts I know it was long. 
  • akasha14 said:
    DH has said to stop talking to him about his mother. I feel that she just bulldozes and does whatever suits her and works best for her in all situations.  She has total disregard for others.


    GermanShredders said: "Oh, hell no. When she starts trying to push a vehicle on you that would cause a financial strain as well as involve you in a situation where you are lying to a police officer, he needs to put on his big boy pants and set her straight. That is complete BS. "
     

    =D>

    Jamie


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  • akasha14 said:
    thedash said:
    I read the whole thing and found it pretty entertaining. Really it sounds like this is going to resolve itself soon as she is moving far away. Just keep saying no about the car. She can take that shit to Carmax and take whatever they give her for it. It's not your problem. I'm not sure what you expect her to do about the phone. Do you think she should pay you the cancellation fee?

    She does sound crazy but I think you guys are giving in to her too often and then you are letting it get to you. That's really between you and your DH.
    I feel like she should be selling her own phone and handling he cancelling with the phone company directly.  I'm not sure why we need to be involved at all. I feel like the way she does things if I don't give in I end up being the  b**ch in the situation. I fear it's going to come to that and for my DH's sake and the baby's I'd like it not to. Thanks for your thoughts I know it was long. 
    She's taking the easy way out and not dealing with her own stuff. Wanting you to take care of it all. That's not cool, and quite the opposite of mature. 

    Seriously, any chance in DH understanding this better?
  • akasha14akasha14 member
    edited July 2013
    Thanks so much! I really feel like her behavior belongs on a sitcom. Have a good rest of the work day.
  • A37licia said:
    akasha14 said:
    thedash said:
    I read the whole thing and found it pretty entertaining. Really it sounds like this is going to resolve itself soon as she is moving far away. Just keep saying no about the car. She can take that shit to Carmax and take whatever they give her for it. It's not your problem. I'm not sure what you expect her to do about the phone. Do you think she should pay you the cancellation fee?

    She does sound crazy but I think you guys are giving in to her too often and then you are letting it get to you. That's really between you and your DH.
    I feel like she should be selling her own phone and handling he cancelling with the phone company directly.  I'm not sure why we need to be involved at all. I feel like the way she does things if I don't give in I end up being the  b**ch in the situation. I fear it's going to come to that and for my DH's sake and the baby's I'd like it not to. Thanks for your thoughts I know it was long. 
    She's taking the easy way out and not dealing with her own stuff. Wanting you to take care of it all. That's not cool, and quite the opposite of mature. 

    Seriously, any chance in DH understanding this better?
    I couldn't agree more.  

    He's an only child and she was a single mom most of his life so he refuses to admit when she is in error.  I am hoping the more and more ridiculous she acts he will be forced to admit she isn't as altruistic as she pretends to be. 
    Thanks!
  • Tell your DH to man up and tell his mom where to go.  DH would be livid if his mom tried this.

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  • Wow, she sounds crazy. The officer and hospital thing would have pissed me off so much!! At least she is leaving for 2 years, that should definitely give you a break. I'm sorry your husband doesn't see where you are coming from, that's annoying.
    But I agree with princessvespa... I would keep the stuff she gave you because I have a feeling she will be asking for it back when she comes back home in 2 years.
  • Wow, she sounds crazy. The officer and hospital thing would have pissed me off so much!! At least she is leaving for 2 years, that should definitely give you a break. I'm sorry your husband doesn't see where you are coming from, that's annoying. But I agree with princessvespa... I would keep the stuff she gave you because I have a feeling she will be asking for it back when she comes back home in 2 years.

    I'd give it all to Goodwill or the Salvation Army.

    Jamie


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  • Thank goodness she is moving, that all sounds awful! I get that your DH was an only child and it might be hard for him to see his mother critically but it sounds like she is taking advantage of the two of you on so many levels. Ugh, what an awful situation.


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  • CDMay2006CDMay2006 member
    edited July 2013
    That was *long* and surprisingly coherent. I totally expected to give up bc it wasn't making sense or was lame (based on past experience), but it was totally sensical and easy to read! And your mil is a selfish idiot. Thank god she is leaving for two years! Have a garage sale with all her crap, or donate it and itemize your taxes. Come up with a plan while she is gone to deal with her when she gets back, and make sure you and DH are on the same page. And maybe start a twitter/blog to vent about her and entertain your followers :)
    Boy 10.6.13
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  • akasha14 said:
    Anything too good to throw away, but not nice enough to put in her storage unit she is "giving" to us.  I am trying to make room for a baby.  We only have a two bedroom home and already having to consolidate items.My DH is kind of a pack rat so organizing and consolidating is up to me. I am off for the summer because I am a teacher, but return to work in two weeks. I have politely voiced over and over I don't want her stuff.  I'm tired of hearing "it's a screaming deal, it's free", "this had great reviews", "you'll need one of these someday", etc. If we couldn't live without it we'd already have it. Now I have two leaf blowers, two hedge trimmers, a china hutch and the family china, a box literally labeled "junk drawer", glass containers, a knife block, a chair and ottoman, various injury wraps, a trash bag of her old clothes she thought I may like, a weight lifting belt, every family picture MIL had, a roll of upholstery fabric, etc.  She called DH yesterday and wants to also "give us" some scissors, and some dish towels.  The only thing out of all of the above that I think is acceptable is the china hutch and china, as they are family items. 

    I don't see why OP should keep any of this stuff (except for the China hutch and China she says she'd like to keep). If her MIL is giving it to her and not asking her to hold on to it until she gets back, like she has the stuff that she decided to put in her storage unit, then why should OP hold on to it for the 2 years that her MIL is going to be gone, "just in case" her MIL wants it back when she returns? OP doesn't have room to store all this stuff, and if her MIL wants to keep it, she should put it in her storage unit.

    OP, if she's giving it to you, it's yours to do with as you wish. Donate it, garage sale, Craigslist. There's no way I'd be holding on to her crap just in case she wants it back later on.


     

    Jamie


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  • Maybe instead of taking the stuff that you don't want, just tell her that you really don't need it. You are trying to make room for a baby and her junk won't be helping. I know you said your husband wants the stuff, but it's not just his decision to make. Maybe try having a calm convo with him about it and explain to him why you don't need the stuff.
  • redfallon said:

    I don't see why OP should keep any of this stuff (except for the China hutch and China she says she'd like to keep). If her MIL is giving it to her and not asking her to hold on to it until she gets back, like she has the stuff that she decided to put in her storage unit, then why should OP hold on to it for the 2 years that her MIL is going to be gone, "just in case" her MIL wants it back when she returns? OP doesn't have room to store all this stuff, and if her MIL wants to keep it, she should put it in her storage unit.

    OP, if she's giving it to you, it's yours to do with as you wish. Donate it, garage sale, Craigslist. There's no way I'd be holding on to her crap just in case she wants it back later on.


     

    Just for clarification, I never told OP to hold onto the stuff - just that I can see in two years when MIL gets back (based on MILs behaviour mentioned in this post) she will demand all her stuff back.  That's why I mentioned the "ruined in a flood" out option.  I was in no way suggesting she keep the stuff (except the junk drawer box, b/c that shit would be funny).
  • First, OP...wow. I am so sorry. 

    As far as all of the crap goes, have a garage sale and make some money off of it. There's no reason that anyone needs two of every lawn care item. Keep the newer/better quality stuff, and sell the other stuff. I can understand keeping the hutch, china, and family pictures, but that's about it. 

    As far as using you as an excuse, there is NO WAY that I would be ok with that. I doubt that I would have said anything in front of the cop, but I'm really surprised that you didn't give it to her after she drove off. That is NOT cool. 

    She sounds like a real peach. 
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  • redfallonredfallon member
    edited July 2013
    redfallon said:

    I don't see why OP should keep any of this stuff (except for the China hutch and China she says she'd like to keep). If her MIL is giving it to her and not asking her to hold on to it until she gets back, like she has the stuff that she decided to put in her storage unit, then why should OP hold on to it for the 2 years that her MIL is going to be gone, "just in case" her MIL wants it back when she returns? OP doesn't have room to store all this stuff, and if her MIL wants to keep it, she should put it in her storage unit.

    OP, if she's giving it to you, it's yours to do with as you wish. Donate it, garage sale, Craigslist. There's no way I'd be holding on to her crap just in case she wants it back later on.


     

    Just for clarification, I never told OP to hold onto the stuff - just that I can see in two years when MIL gets back (based on MILs behaviour mentioned in this post) she will demand all her stuff back.  That's why I mentioned the "ruined in a flood" out option.  I was in no way suggesting she keep the stuff (except the junk drawer box, b/c that shit would be funny).
    Oh, I know you didn't. I really liked your idea of it getting ruined in a "flood" lol It was some other PP who suggested that she keep it.

    Jamie


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  • Oh, and the cop thing! I was seething and also truly worried that the officer would call a medical unit and I'd get a large, unnecessary ambulance bill.  I'm so glad other people agree that was totally unacceptable.  If only I had it on film.  MIL was trying to really play up that she was speeding because she was worried so she was truly on the verge of tears.  She kept saying please repeat those directions, I'm just so upset was it a right or left up here, how far after that light, etc.  Simply appalling.  Just take the speeding ticket.  It's not as if the points on her license will matter since she's leaving the country. 
  • redfallon said:
    A37licia said:
    What a lousy woman. No qualms about lying in any way, to get her way. No qualms about using people, and happy to play the victim. That's just the beginning.  I wish your DH saw more, because you're not going to get far without his support (in pushing back, I mean). I'm glad she's leaving but I really wish someone would put her in her place.

    Yeah, the cop thing had me  :-O  and [-X

    BTW - I love a good MIL story, since I don't really have any of my own. My MIL is pretty awesome. I have told her that after reading some of the stories on here, I'm so glad she's not crazy!

    SAME HERE!!!
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  • msronziomsronzio member
    edited July 2013
    I didn't read replies yet and someone has probably already pointed this out, but it really sounds like your shower wasn't ever meant to be your shower. And I feel for you, because you (and DH) deserve something special. It's basically a party to celebrate the coming of a baby! What gives!

    Also sounds to me like she's using you guys as a storage unit, thinking you'll hang on to all of her stuff. She's gonna get a wake up call in a few years when she asks for it back and you calmly respond, "oh we never used any of it so it was just taking up space, and donated it all to charity. It was kind of you to be so giving though, thanks!"

    I wish I could be there to tape the reaction.

    Editing to add, your husband might never get it because he doesn't want to. He probably clearly sees all this himself, but may feel embarrassed or even sorry that she has to act this way. I've never seen anyone FORCE gifts like this. Especially the phone.. wtf?
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  • akasha14 said:
    Oh, and the cop thing! I was seething and also truly worried that the officer would call a medical unit and I'd get a large, unnecessary ambulance bill.  I'm so glad other people agree that was totally unacceptable.  If only I had it on film.  MIL was trying to really play up that she was speeding because she was worried so she was truly on the verge of tears.  She kept saying please repeat those directions, I'm just so upset was it a right or left up here, how far after that light, etc.  Simply appalling.  Just take the speeding ticket.  It's not as if the points on her license will matter since she's leaving the country. 
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    Jamie


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  • Lbear8Lbear8 member
    No advice, but yeah this woman is moving!!!
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  • ewiwooewiwoo member
    Ohh boy is she rude.... I would tell her straight up that you plan on painting and refreshing a little bit before the baby comes so you will be throwing out a lot of stuff so she might reconsider giving them to you. Also I don't know how you are left to carry all the crap from the car not to mention drive for soooo many hours!!!! Your husband should support you not his mom. You should give them all a scare one day, or just come back from a dr. app and say he told you to take it easy and not stress so much...( which my Dr. told me) Use your pregnancy its your time to relax and be pampered!!!!
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  • akasha14 said:
    thedash said:
    I read the whole thing and found it pretty entertaining. Really it sounds like this is going to resolve itself soon as she is moving far away. Just keep saying no about the car. She can take that shit to Carmax and take whatever they give her for it. It's not your problem. I'm not sure what you expect her to do about the phone. Do you think she should pay you the cancellation fee?

    She does sound crazy but I think you guys are giving in to her too often and then you are letting it get to you. That's really between you and your DH.
    I feel like she should be selling her own phone and handling the cancelling with the phone company directly.  I'm not sure why we need to be involved at all. I feel like the way she does things if I don't give in I end up being the  b**ch in the situation. I fear it's going to come to that and for my DH's sake and the baby's I'd like it not to. Thanks for your thoughts I know it was long. 
    I am on someone else's plan. I would NEVER expect them to pay my cancellation fee! If I make the choice to not fulfill my contract (which BTW I have input on) I would think its MY job to cancel it 
    Eat your food people. You are pregnant, not made of glass. ~PrimRoseMama
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  • akasha14 said:
    thedash said:
    I read the whole thing and found it pretty entertaining. Really it sounds like this is going to resolve itself soon as she is moving far away. Just keep saying no about the car. She can take that shit to Carmax and take whatever they give her for it. It's not your problem. I'm not sure what you expect her to do about the phone. Do you think she should pay you the cancellation fee?

    She does sound crazy but I think you guys are giving in to her too often and then you are letting it get to you. That's really between you and your DH.
    I feel like she should be selling her own phone and handling the cancelling with the phone company directly.  I'm not sure why we need to be involved at all. I feel like the way she does things if I don't give in I end up being the  b**ch in the situation. I fear it's going to come to that and for my DH's sake and the baby's I'd like it not to. Thanks for your thoughts I know it was long. 
    I am on someone else's plan. I would NEVER expect them to pay my cancellation fee! If I make the choice to not fulfill my contract (which BTW I have input on) I would think its MY job to cancel it 
    That's because you are a mature adult @katiebenes ! :)

    Jamie


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  • Any updates on crazy lady and your talk with your DH?
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  • Keep your distance. Accept nothing. When she proposes her grand gestures, giver her verbal praise, acknowledgement and recognition, then a firm, no thank you, end of discussion. Then offer to take her out to dinner (or make her something/give her a photo of your child) a night of dinner or just because gift, in the past, shows to my MIL that yes, I appreciate you and no, you will not be manipulating me at this time. Do: discuss why do not care to accept stuff with your DH behind closed doors prior to saying no thank you to MIL.
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