Feel really bad for youngest SS...vent-long
He is definitely the most neglected of the 2...this is another issue being brought up in court. Youngest SS (who is almost 12) apparently has ADHD - which I don't completely doubt but I think a lot of it has to do with also not being in touch with people or reality. BM basically lets him lock himself in his room with his TV, computer and Xbox when he's not at school and therefore, it has made him completely and utterly socially inept. I also think he may have some oppositional defiance disorder issues. (For some reason, oldest SS is sort of like the golden child that can do no wrong and is favored by BM - I don't really get it...)
SS is basically out of control and has no idea how to act - food is his comfort and I have never seen a child SO obsessed with food - you would think he never eats and at 12yrs old, he's about a foot shorter than me and weighs about 8 or 10 lbs more than I do. He shovels food into his mouth to the point where he gives himself stomach aches and he can't even properly hold a utensil. We have to force him to slow down - talk to him about eating healthier - letting food digest, etc - he wants seconds and thirds and then before he finishes his last bite of one meal, he is already obsessed with what we will be eating at the next meal and he won't stop talking or asking about it. We also found tons of stashed wrappers from food and candy in his pockets and bedroom when I did laundry this week. (he's used to eating junk food 24/7 whenever he wants because BM doesn't cook and he fends for himself and does as he pleases)
He's also WAY too educated on sexual stuff...I mean this kid knows more than some adults probably know and he blatantly talks about it! It's sick and again, he has no rules or limitations at BM's house - how bright is it for this kid to have endless access to the internet, TV (with HBO) and xbox with really inappropriate games in his bedroom alone??? We've trid to talk to BM about it in the past and she just laughs it off and says we can't tell her what to do - no, we can't, but do you see what you're doing to your kids????
He's completely defiant - it doesn't matter what we say or do, he's got a smart mouth answer for EVERYTHING - and I mean EVERYTHING - and it never ends. Even his cousins here don't like being around him because of how he acts. He's constantly disrespectful and challenges ALL adults in his life and will try to mouth off with them until he thinks he's won or gotten the last word in. This is acceptable at BM"s house because she leaves him to his own devices as long as he leaves her alone. He doesn't know how to act around people...and no one really wants to be around him because of how he acts - as annoying and emotionally draining as it is, I feel so bad for him.
We're going to bring this up as well in court - he's headed down a bad path really fast and he thinks the way he is, is completely normal and acceptable. I think he's starved for the right kind of attention at his primary house and doesn't get it because even negative attention is some form of attention to him. He's also had a problem where he picks at himself until he bleeds. One time he did it on his forehead right between his eyes...this week he was doing it on his hands and also picked at a place on his scalp until he bled as well. I don't think he gets the right kind of help or attention at BM's and she tells us nothing is wrong and it's "none of our business..." hopefully the judge sees otherwise...it's so frustrating to see this happen to them.
Re: Feel really bad for youngest SS...vent-long
This sounds awful!! I hope you can find a remedy to this, and soon! I have worked with people with dissabilities and most of the kids I worked with would have similar behavior, the skin picking, the anti-social persona, over eating, and it was all the kids who had their parents enable them. The other kids who were basically raised by the system - without parents - didn't seem to have the "extras" and it seem to me (personal opinion and not scientific or anything) that this was to get more attention from parents.
Can you guys take him to a counselor when he is with you guys? This could even help out in court . . . ? This lady sounds like such a scum bag!! I'm sorry you have to deal with all that but, I hope you are able to help those munchkins. Best luck!!
I am sorry to hear about your situation. BM has another son (not my husbands) who is 10 and weighs about 180. She totally neglects him and he does as he pleases. He sits in front of the TV all day and gorges on junk food. He is a social nightmare and sad for us he shares a room with my 3 year old SS. My SS is starting to pick up alot of his behavior and it has been a chore trying to correct it. We have him every Fri - Sun.
Hopefully everything will work out in your favor with the courts. I totally understand your frustration.
Other than the food issues, welcome to my world.
The only solution we had was to get custody of SS to deal with his anti-social, emotionally stunted and peer issues. Not to mention issues with hearing the word NO.
Now that he is here, it is a battle, but one that is worth it.
All kidding aside, my SS has the same problems. He is socially inept, has weight issues, picks his fingers until they bleed, has defiance/respect issues, hygiene issues, all but the sex part (thank gawd).
It is very worrisome and I wish I had some suggestions for you. For us, I know a lot of SS's issues are from his lack of self-esteem. His mother has him convinced that he is incapable of doing anything for himself, she has never taught him the basics of life (picking out clothes, table manners, hygiene, tying shoes, social graces, etc). It is really sad, and it worries me to no end.
Mine will not change his underwear unless he showers, which before he moved in with us was every 4 days or so. Why = because he never got dirty/stinky because BM would not let him play outside.
WHICH MEANS he is going into puberty, where you get stinky just by breathing, without basic hygenic habits.
DH has decided that he is NOT going to make this one of the battles. He will let SS get teased about his stench.
HOWEVER, we DO have a carrot dangling out there. SS wants Contacts. B.A.D.L.Y.
Which is he NOT going to get until he can prove to us that he is hygenic. That means showering every night before bed OR every morning. And he has to do it consistently, without our reminders, for 6 months (it was 3 months but that was changed due to some OTHER hygenic issues).
He has yet to even get CLOSE. Though he has complained about how mean we are to not get him contacts in therapy - where we won't even discuss it, because he KNOWS why.
I feel for you, my SS is similar. That said- over the years I have become active in trying to help my SS, whose BM once aid to me, "Well I told him instead of eating junk food he shoudl eat good things- I told him he can ahave as much as he likes if it's good". ANyone want to pick out her mistake in that way of thinking? How about this: a calroie's a calorie-- a donut versus a pint of strawberries isn't much differnece... ebign healthy is about making the right choices in diet & exercise- including portion control. In the past decade/- I have learned this-- I hope some of these ideas help you, too:
Stock your house with good things to eat, and maybe you might even have to find ways to hide good foods (if he outright refuses them on his own) in food (Jessica Seinfeld's book on this is on Amazon & my sister has it- LOVEs it, thinks it's a great way to get from about 4-12/13 with picky eaters). Teach him about portion sizes. One way I did this, was I bought small plates and so we take less for dinner, which helps us all with portion sizes, without having to get out a measuring cup. Dessert is reserved for special occassions/holidays in our house, and never served right after dinner- usually 30 minutes after cleanup, and by then SS sometimes doesn't even want it anymore, because he is then full (it takes 20-30 minutes to digest your food & feel full).
Limit his time on the computer, TV and video games at your house, and explain to him why you're doing it... it doesn't need to be a detailed explanation, mine is, "We're getting outside; fresh air is good for us". This might be easiest if you get active with him; find a new family game that gets your heart pumping to do together, or take up a sport or similar activity together that gets him moving. It will get his heart pumping more (lik eit should be) and also help him find out what kinds of things he likes to do in life *other than* things that he watches, which teach him no skills or anything additional about himself.
Since you think he's starved for the right kind of attention, find his good attributes & compliment him on them whenever he's with you... and find ways to set him up for success, rather than failures. For instance, my SS is very creative, but has no creative outlet at BM's (he basically just plays viedoe games & wacthes TV there)- so I will do things like have him help me with DS and we'll all do art projects together once a week where I can say how great his ideas were, or have him bake with me on special days & tell him how great his dish came out and we let him really know how well he did and how great it tastes.
Another thing I have started to do, is teach my SS simple manners that carry well in to adulthood which I have noticed BM does not teach... such as holding the elevator door for everyone else & letting them off first (especially if they are older than him), to not eat a meal unless everyone at the tabel has been served yet, which fork to eat with if we're somplace 'fancy', etc... these simple things that I think benefit all kids have somehow helped his self-esteem... he has become more confident, and I think maybe because in a way it's teaching him life lessons that he knows are making him more grownup, and he likes that, because it makes him feel in more control of his behaviors.
Last- my SS is 11 and at the age where he wants to listen to no one, and I used to be the one parent that he would listen most to. It's the age that has him talking back more and mor, and not listening as much- he's in his pre-teen years, and from my understanding it's going to get worse before it gets better, so remind him that you're the parent, he's the child, and continue to follow through with consequences for his disrepctful or defiant behaviors- but make sure the punishment fits the crime.
Good luck!
Yes my thing is - We do have healthy foods, encourage SS and point out positive attributes when he's with us, encourage and maintain a hygienic environment, etc - the problems are at BM's house as well as the junk food, hygiene issues, and so on...
His defiance is out of control - he will flat out ttell anyone they are wrong and keep going until he throws a temper tantrum - this is AFTER staying calm with him, not yelling or being negative towards him. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff that flies from his mouth - and this isn't occasionally or once in awhile - it's 24/7/365 - and the fact that he is NEVER reprimanded, just ignored or laughed at, at BM's house, makes him think it's acceptable and since that's where he mainly resides and we live in another state, we are very limited on what we can do. Talking to BM gets us nowhere...she flat out denies everything or laughs about it.
Serendipity-stop talking about my SS!!!!
I will say this. Your SS is what 11? This year my SS at 13 started to play football. It really has changed him. He wanted to do it, so it was his idea, fully supported by us of course. His defiance issues are waining, and his need to always be right seems to be curbing as well. He also lost weight because of it, which to me is an added benefit. He made some friends, that he hung out with after games and such. It really has been a great thing to see these improvements in him.