Blended Families
shaysmom05
member
Would you be offended?
shaysmom05
member
Just out of curiosity for the BMs on this board, would you be offended if your child called their stepmothers Mommy? DH's ex had a real big issue of her son calling me Mommy. He's been calling me Mommy since he was 1. I never told him to, but I don't see it as respectful for him to call me by my frist name. I can understand where she's coming from, but I think she's making a big issue out of nothing. (She started a fight at SS birthday party about it. We didn't want the party ruined, so we left.) She hasn't said anything about it since, but it does leave things really awkward. Thanks ladies!
"Momma! She's doing it again!!"
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Re: Would you be offended?
That is true. I just feel bad for the little guy because he does seem to be confused. He calls his mom's b/f "Daddy Dan" and calls DH "Daddy Brandon". Plus, while he's here DD runs around screaming "Mommy" and I think he just wants to fit in. I feel badly for him. I really do.
Does BM have a problem with her son calling her bf daddy? If not, that's a double standard and she should stfu, cause I'm nice that way.
How old is SS? If it's been too long, it's almost pointless to try to change it now. But if not, maybe come up with a sweet name he can use instead. Did you have a pet name as a child? Do you come from an ethnic background that has a name for mom or aunt? Try to think of one and then every time he calls you that, say very gentle, no, I'm _____.
In between those times you can make it into a game. Ask him what your name is. When he uses the pet name, give him extra kisses or hugs. If he calls out your name, say Ooops, what's my name?
Just little things like that. It will take a while but if it will bring some modicum of peace to your house, I think it's a worthwhile effort.
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Yep, I think it is highly disrespectful to the MOTHER of the child.
There are thousands, upon thousands of other names that you could have come up with.
And instead of thinking about the feelings of the woman who IS THE MOTHER of the child, you either took the easy route (not wanting to work at correcting the child) of the purposefully hurtful route (doing something that you KNOW is wrong).
Let me ask you this...how would YOUR mother feel if you called someone else Mommy?
I have to disagree with Ilumine, as much as it pains me to do so. It's not always black and white.
Pinker started calling my H daddy back when we were all just a group of friends that hung out on the weekend. She was two and she would say it right in front of her father. H would constantly tell her, No, I'm not your father, sweetie. And pinky would continue on. Every time she saw him. Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy. One day she said it and H said very firmly, No, pinky, stop calling me daddy. I'm not your daddy. The X turned to H and said, Hey, don't talk to my daughter that way. We stopped trying to correct her after that.
The point is, kids still know who their parent is. You don't cease being that child's mother just because someone else is being called that name, too. I say you give it a good try to switch to a different name. Go for a whole month along the way I suggested earlier. If after a month, it's still the same thing, what are you supposed to do? Smack the poor boy in the mouth?
No, I wouldn't like it if my child called someone else mom. But if she was a decent woman who truly loves my child and shows me that she has his best interests at heart AND my child is truly persistant in calling them such, I'll get over it.
I still wanna know about this bf situation.
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We have a double standard but it's not a big issue for "me" - I have ALWAYS wanted the boys to call me by my first name. The oldest one does, but the youngest one is split 50/50 - half the time he calls me mom and the other half it's my first name. DH and I have tried to talk to him and we've told him since he was 8 that he has a mom, and I'm a step-mom, so we'd prefer if he called me by first name.
The double standard comes in here - a little over a year ago, I guess younger SS referred to me as "mom" in front of BM - mind you, since BM's new husband came into the picture, even when they were dating, she told the boys they HAD to call him "daddy" and that they should call BF by his first name - not gonna fly of course. We told the boys if they really wanted to call their stepdad "dad" we couldn't really do a lot about it in their other house - especially if BM is telling them they "have to", which she was. So when BM found out youngest SS called me mom sometimes, she freaked and wrote ME a nasty gram, bad mouthing me and how I don't have the kds full time, and I don't roll up my sleeves and do all the "mom work" (which I obviously DO when the kids are with us) and so she was offended and said I had NO right to ever be called "mom" by either of the kids.
Uh ok - I never told them to call me mom - and now you just freaked your son out by screaming at him about it (he came back the next weekend ad told us "mom said I'm not allowed to call you mom") and of course, I never answered BM's crazy email - I just printed it, put it in her "crazy BM" folder and blocked her on my email. Haven't heard from her since in my email.
)
My SD, who is 10, met me when she had just turned 7. My DH and I moved in together right away after dating . . . My SD never did have a constant mother figure in her life for more than a couple days -- (mother's choice) eventhough my DH and BM were roommates until my DS was 6 after they broke-up. So she started calling me "mom" or "ma' " and practiced spanish with me at the grocery store. One time we were shopping her mother heard us. She didn't say anything to us but, called my DH on the spot. When we got home we had a long talk and my SD was instructed to never, EVER again call me mom. It broke my heart but, I left it that way. Well, 3 years later here we are. I'm the one who is the mother of this kid -- title or not. Even during the 6 weeks over the Summer when my SD visits SM, she calls me if she needs to talk, or if she feels sick, or if she had a bad dream. She calls me by my 1st name but for mother's day I'm the one that goes to the school's festival, I'm the one that gets the gift, and I'm the one that feels proud to be the constant figure in her life that is there to support her and norture her. The mom that was offended is thousands of miles away, hardly ever calls her, and she is raising a future SS for another future SM because that is what she does!-- this would be her 3rd.
Instead of seeing their kids as lucky to have 2 Mommies or 2 Daddies, people are busy competing over a title! Now, I have nothing against BM other than the one in my story but, maybe both sets of parents should keep in mind what is more comfortable for the child. I think it's the same with parents who force kids to call their Step Parents Dad or Mom when they are not comfy. So don't worry about the title . . . worry about what you bring to they kid's life.
But the thing is, Pinky's dad is an @$$WIPE. HE pushed your daughter to take on that name. HE chose to not be a permanent or positive position in her life. HE LOST the priveledge of being call daddy.
This does not sound like that at all. HELL, they were all at a joint birthday party. That does not sound like a BM who has walked away from her role or responsibility.
This goes for J&A too...she IS the mother figure. This StepMom is NOT the mother figure.
And YES, you and the OP COULD have found an alternate name and gotten the child to use it. The same way you get your children NOT to talk out loud in church, pick their noses or take their clothes off in public.
Consistency.
It is the same principle as calling INlaws by mom and dad. It is up to ALL of the parties involved......
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I get that, but that was because your EX forced your daughter to find another, better daddy. Of course she is going to fixate.
But the reality is, most BMs do not deserve loosing the title mommy. Hell, even my evil nasty w(b)itch of a BM deserves this title - even though she has caused the damage that we are trying to fix.
And I KNOW that you are a take no prisoner mom....just like you are no prisoner personality. But can you HONESTLY say that your feelings towards your EX did not come across to Pinky? Those mixed messages are very hard to control (I know, because it takes ever ounce of self control to not let my SS know how I really feel about his mother) and can subconcioulsy affect Pinky.
Again, there is a gray area here. But it is not one that you immediately ignore.
Nah, this happened before the bust up. She didn't pick it up from me. She got it all on her own.
I don't know if calling another person mom automatically means the other person lost the title. I think it's possible to love your BM and SM equally.
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I think you can love both the BM and SM equally too....but you DO need to take into account the feelings of the actual BParent. If it weren't for them, this wouldn't be an issue in the first place, now would it?
I know that I would be DEVASTATED if my daughter were to call anyone other than myself Mom. I carried this little bundle of joy, I will be the one to breast feed her. I will be the one to potty train her. I will be the one to wipe away her tears the first time she deals with peer pressure.
And while she may have a wonderful SM, that woman did not do get to do these things. She did not earn that title the same way I will have - unless I were to have lost full custody or died.
As for the OP...she finally stated that the BM's SO gets to be called Daddy, but that the SM does not get afforded the same consideration. THAT IS HYPOCRITICAL. And therefore she DOES get to kvetch about the double standard.
I am a SM to one, who is now 11, and I have known him since he was three... granted by then he knew clearly who was and was not his mother but I would *never* let him call me that- it's a title reserved for BM and needs to stay that way. Over the years he has come up with little nicknames for me here or there (one is actually my screenname- "Sar", ie 'sare') and refers to me as 'Mama' only when talking with DS about me or referring to me so as not to confuse DS by calling me by my first name ("G, go see Mama")... he has referred to me as his "mom" from time to time when speaking with other adults- such as squeezing by someone in the market to say, "excuse me, i am trying to get to my mom", but then I refer to him as my son, ebcause for 8 years he basically has been. Since I am a SM, and have been around the majority of his life, I don't think it's disrepctful for him to look at me as a mother figure (and therefore say something like, "Yes, the door is locked because my mom is using that restroom") but I never *ever* would let him use the term Mommy, because it's something only his mother should share with him... and when he was younger I think it'd be confusing.
All this said... if H and I were to split and he remarried, the woman who would not correct my DS for calling her Mommy when it's a connotation to my relationship with him will have hell to face... moreover, I don't think my H would marry a woman who would allow that to happen.
You need to fix this and correct him each and every time from here on out. I am not sure your name, but maybe come up with something special that he can shorten that you & he can share together-- like Kiki for Kim, or so on & so forth.
Our situation is a little different. BM remarried and told the kids that they should call her new H "Dad" since according to her "there are no step parents in her family."
When DH and I got married, younger SS asked if he could call me mom. When I said that he had a mom and he should call me by my first name is when I found out about the "no step parents" thing.
So I said they could call me either my first name or mom. Only younger SS calls me mom.
Thank you for saying this. I'm new to this board, but I happened to click on this post & felt like this distinction needed to be made. My DS is technically my SS (it was weird to even type that, I've never thought of him as that EVER). The BM left when he was 20 months old & has NEVER looked back (she & my DH were not married). I met DS when he was 21 mos old as I was friends with his dad through work. DH and I started dating shortly thereafter & I've been in DS's life, loving him, caring for him, & providing everything for him ever since.
He started calling me mommy after he started going to daycare at age 3. I did not ask him to, but I also did not correct him. I felt that he probably heard the other kids at school talking about their "mommies" and saw them interacting & just wanted the same thing. We already had the relationship, just not the title of mother & son. I realize this situation is a little bit different than a lot of you have mentioned. It's just something that hit close to home for me. I always felt like his mother, but it warmed my heart when, of his own free will, he called me mommy. It's a title I cherish every time I hear his sweet lips speak it.