Effect of twins on your marriage

KimberlyAGD

I hope this is not too personal, but I'm just wondering if my DH and I are going through a normal phase.

 After our singleton was born, life was remarkably normal.  Sure there were some hard days, but really, they were few and far between.  Now, after the birth of the twins, I feel like my marriage has been ripped to pieces.  My DH had a lot of trouble bonding with my DS, who I admit was a very fussy baby.  As a result, I was his primary caregiver, which was exhausting and made me really resent my DH.  It  seems like we have many, many more hard marriage days than good.  Some days I feel like we just co-exist in the house.  We are both so busy with the 3 kids that we barely have time to stop and actually have a conversation with each other.

I feel bad because some days I wonder why we even bother staying married and I think it is just to have an extra set of hands to help with the babies.  Ugh, please tell me this gets better!

 

sweater

I just wanted to send a HUG and an "I understand!"

I'm on my husband's case constantly to spend more time or to treat Jaxon more like Brady. He actually calls them "your baby" or "my baby" instead of their names. Don't get me wrong - he LOVES jax and worries about him (just like your dh does you ds), but he is more bonded with Brady. What we've done to try and mix it up a little is my husband takes care of Jax (the more high maintenance baby) overnight on the weekends, and I take Brady. 

I understand the conversation thing too. Last night I made it CLEAR to my husband that I can't be the last one to get his attention for conversations. He has to put the PHONE down, and just sit and talk to me and only me each night for a few minutes. We'll see if it lasts! I swear we women do take the brundt of the work/worries of the babies...I think that when the babies are a bit older and able to crawl at least...the men enjoy them more. That's why my husband goes to Brady all the time - he can rough-house with him and he can't with jax.

shawn&tony

It's funny that you post this today I had a conversation with DH last night about this and how we will handle this situation if and when it comes along hopefully we will both get some feedback about this from others and see how well they did or did'nt do......

just stay hopeful and open the lines of communication even when you have a second try to let him know how you feel....GL and much hugs....

Moonpie73

I think what you are going through is normal.  There are nights where DH and just pass each other in the hallway each with a baby in our arms going to feed or back to bed.

I was yelling at DH this morning on the way to work about how he treats the two girls.  He's constantly trying to find things wrong with them..ie, Maddie smiles too much so she must be retarded, Lorelai cries too much, why does she cry so much and Maddie doesn't, etc.  He has a hard time accepting that our children are completely normal and to stop trying to borrow trouble and be happy with them.  Plus he clearly favors Maddie yet then turns around and says that Lorelai is much prettier than her.  UGH.

I think it's a guy thing.

ancjph

I really think all the extra stress can really cause issues. I know how you feel. We are starting marriage counseling after the first of the year. Wishing you the best of luck.

nbjenni

HOLY CRAP I could have written this post! My DH favors Natalie and he says I favor Audrey. He thinks I'm totally incapable of handling Natalie, when in actuality he just doesn't want to deal with Audrey. She is our fussy baby and is really hard to get to sleep at night. He's only taken her one night, and has Natalie all the time. I feel like I'm not getting to bond w/her as much and it makes me sad. He also tries to find stuff wrong with the girls - like Audrey's head is bigger than Natalie's, or if one does something (smiles first) and the other doesn't, he automatically diagnoses autism.

And yes, our marriage really feels more like roomates right now - with the occasional asking for nookie on his part.

LilSurferGirl

I think having multiples absolutely takes more of a toll on your marriage than a single baby.  You have so much less time, energy, patience - everything goes to taking care of the babies and you don't have much left to give to each other at the end of the day.  For us, the first 6-7 months were definitely survival mode.  We were more like roommates than husband and wife. 

Finally,finally, the boys started sleeping better, we got into more of a workable routine and things have actually started feeling more "normal" in the last month or so.  The last month has actually been - dare I say it - fun?  Not all the time, we still have our bad days and snap at each other more than we did "before babies" - but the boys are in bed by 7:00 and after that we actually get to eat dinner together, watch TV and TALK.  It's amazing. 

So I will say that for us, it did get better - but it still takes work.  Obviously every relationship is different, so if you feel that things really aren't getting better - you may want to think about couples counseling.  Or go for just you if your DH won't.  Hang in there - it is a long road to a whole new normal with twins. 

doubleblessings08

I just want to say I can relate. I am a SAHM and that is what I want to do but sometimes I resent my H because he is gone all day and I'm home by myself. He tries to help with the boys at night but he says they only want me. It has definately taken a toll on our marriage. We have had plenty of rough days. I hope you and your H work through this. HUGS!

ADMIREDSEAZON

It's so normally. we are all feeling your PAIN...I was up @ 4:30am to wash dishes after I cooked, and I'm 6 months preggo. I went to sleep, and thought DH would do it, well not so much. Its the little things that gets me sometimes, but when I see him playing with both the girls it better. He seems disconnected this preggo because he has to spend all his time wearing the girls out for me....

Once the babies get older and wanting to play, things change. On top of everything else you have another lil one you have to care for. I don't know how that is yet, but I'm about to find out. Bear with him, he doesn't know what he's doing...most of the time men don't....that doesn't mean that he doesn't mean well, he just doesn't get it. Once they get older around a year he'll be all over it to play with them, and really go crazy ;-)

 Keep your head up!

SWABK

It's definitely hard with twins!  I noticed around 6 months that DH and I were co-existing, he was at work all day, I was home with the twins, and by the time we got them fed, we ate, and we put them to bed, I went to bed too!  Or I would go catch up on emails and he would do work or watch tv.  So last summer we had a talk and I told him I was making a concerted effort to focus on US and he agreed to do the same.  It went well, we spent a lot of "quality time" together after the girls went to bed.......a few months later we found out we were expecting!  After almost 2 years trying to have the girls it was quite a surprise, but a happy one.  I told him no more "quality time" after this one! 

SWABK

 

 

Jess214

This has me so worried because we're already experiencing lots of tension in our marriage and the babies aren't even here yet.  Sometimes he gives me an attitude when I ask him to help me out with household chores because I'm just too tired and have to lay down 10 minutes.  What would we do if I was on bedrest!  He only works 7 hours more per week than I do, but yet I do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc.  I work 5 AM - 1:30 PM so I'm with DS all afternoon and evening too.  DH usually walks in just as I'm reading bedtime stories. 

Yesterday, my doctor said he'd write up anything I needed when I'm ready to stop working because he knows I'm reaching the point that I'm so uncomfortable and exhausted that I won't be able to take it much longer.  I told my DH when I got home and he threw a fit when I said I was considering leaving work earlier than planned.   He was like we need the money more than ever with 2 babies coming.