Advice needed (warning, very sad)

KariChadDora

I found out today that my BFF who is 22 weeks pg, due date exactly 1 week ahead of me, lost her baby.  She heard the HB on doppler, in the 150's, 2 days ago at the clinic, and went in today for her big u/s and the baby was gone. She has to go into the hospital tomorrow to be induced and deliver the baby.

My head is so fuzzy and hurts so bad from crying that I can't hardly think straight.   My DH and I are leaving the country tomorrow on our babymoon vaca, a cruise for days, so I will be without phone access and very limited internet.  I fully realize that I will probably be one of the last people in the world she wants to talk to right now, but I feel so selfish being unvailable while she's going through this.  Not to mention she lives in LA and I am in Portland anyhow.  She was just here visiting for 10 days (left on Tuesday) and we went maternity shopping, baby shopping, took belly pics together, the whole nine yards. I want to do something for her to let her know I am thinking about her during this extremely difficult time, but I have no idea what.  I don't want to call her, I figure she'll call when she's ready to talk about everything, which I expect will be awhile.  I thought about sending flowers to the hosptal tomorrow or the next day, but that just seems so impersonal.  

How do you help somebody, your best friend, cope with this?  I can't even begin to imagine what she is going through.  And how do I remain respectful to her space and needs (especially while my pregnancy serves as such a painful reminder) without hurting her more.  I want to be there for her, but I am not sure if there is really anything I can do, yet, I don't want her to think I don't care.  We talk on the phone at least every other day, if not every day.  

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.  

weelass24

I would call her.  If she doesn't answer you can always leave a message or call her husband.  it'll be tough for her but I think it will mean alot to hear from you even if she doesn't want to talk. 

FiremansWife2009baby

Wow, I can't imagine what she's going through right now. I would think a nice card, or care package would be nice. If you think she will want time/space before you call - give her that. You can't help that you have a vaca arranged already, so don't feel bad about that. Just try and be there for her when you get back.

Alex17

weelass24:

I would call her.  If she doesn't answer you can always leave a message or call her husband.  it'll be tough for her but I think it will mean alot to hear from you even if she doesn't want to talk. 

Ditto. If she doesn't want to talk she will not answer, but at least she knows you are trying.

I'm so sorry.

KariChadDora

I should add, I did speak to her once already today, very briefly.  I called her when I hadn't heard from her after her u/s (she was planning on calling me when she was through) and she shared the news with me.  I told her how very, very sorry I was and that I realized sorry wasn't even enough. I said "I wish there was something I could say to make things better, but I know there is not."  She told me she was at home trying to wrap her head around things and that she had to call her OB to set up a plan to go into the hospital to be induced either tonight or tomorrow.  I asked her to please let me know when she would be going into the hospital and of course, let me know if there is anything I can do to help.  I told her goodbye and said I love you. 

 I just don't know what to do next.

Anna&Matt

FiremansWife2009baby:

Wow, I can't imagine what she's going through right now. I would think a nice card, or care package would be nice. If you think she will want time/space before you call - give her that. You can't help that you have a vaca arranged already, so don't feel bad about that. Just try and be there for her when you get back.

I agree. Maybe also get her a gift card for a spa day or send her some frozen casseroles from a caterer down there so they have some meals ready when they just don't feel like dealing with it. 

AJplusKev

Oh my gosh, that is very sad. I can't even imagine. I'd say try calling her, or send a card. Flowers might actually be a nice gesture coupled with something more personal (like a card or a phone call).

easjer05

I would email her.  It helped me a lot when people emailed, because I could read it when I was ready and respond when I was ready.

I would send her (or arrange for her) gift certificates for food that can be delivered or picked up, so they don't have to worry about it and can eat.  It's extra helpful, in my experience, to have a gift cert to a place that might tempt her to eat, because I didn't want to for a few days.

peteysweetie

This exact thing happened to my very good friend last year and her best friend and her had a dual baby shower. Do not avoid her, call her and send her a letter/card. Let her know that you are here for her when she's ready. In the card remind her you will be on a trip so she doesn't think you are avoiding her if she does try and call you. When you do talk to her be honest with her and tell her you don't know what to do or say and that you need to know from her what she wants from you, if it's space thats fine, you'll be there when she ready.  Don't try and predict what she wants, feels or needs ask her so you can help her get through this the best way possible.

nlvaden

o my gosh, very sad doesnt even come close to what it is.  I am so sorry for her.  You should call her.

peteysweetie

I know you aren't in the same city but maybe coordinate with her husband to have a maid service come in and clean the house and maybe a meal service deliver dinner for a week or so after she gets home from the hospital. that way neither of them has to worry about the small stuff while dealing with this.

KariChadDora

thanks for all the ideas ladies, you guys are wonderful.  i think i will drop a card in the mail tomorrow morning before I leave.  i will call her once I get back in town next week and just leave a message if she doesn't answer, letting her know I am thinking of her.  I will also search for something to send her to honor her lost baby.  I might try and get in touch with her mom over the next day or so, I know her pretty well too. 

easjer05

One more thing - continue to ask about her in a few weeks.  I mean, I know as a close friend you will, but it helps when people acknowledged two weeks out and three weeks out that I might not yet be ok and gently asked me how I was feeling.  It gave me an opening I needed, because I felt like I should have been moving on faster and everyone around me had moved on already, so I didn't want to bring it up myself.

 

StephanieBride1

I'm in a similar situation. I sent flowers and a card as soon as it happened. Emailed her a few days later and just waited for her to be ready to respond. Just be there for her and let her know.

Angeldcf

Maid service or food related gift are good.  I wouldn't do flowers as they die which some have posted reminded them that their baby died.