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Toddlers: 24 Months+
alita1
member
Toddler saying the word "KILL"
alita1
member
"I am going to kill myself" and "I am going to kill mama"
This is what my 3.25 year old said last night as I was trying to discipline him before bed by telling him I would not cuddle him tonight because of his mean-spiritiedness. I told him I didn't want to cuddle a mean person in hopes that he could feel what it's like for someone to be mean to him. My husband went into the room to talk to him about it and he said "I want to hurt mama's feelings" (because of how I was disciplining him).
I am so, so lost for words. I am so afraid of making any moves as everything feels so delicate right now. Is this what the terrible 2-3s are? My son has been generally negative lately, and I am getting so burned out from this. I tell him being mean isn't okay and that if he doesn't have anything nice to say to not say it at all. I know he is at the age where he has a hard time vocalizing his anger, and I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm at a point where I use tone and get upset by his bad behavior and I know he expects it now, too. Is this common talk from a child this young?? The only TV he watches is DVR'ed music shows... He doesn't go to daycare and we're together 24/7. He has learned about guns through his dad and knows about death. Every time my husband slips I get on him. My DH thinks he will learn about it eventually so why not now.... but the point is that he is THREE so it can wait, and now it's too late. Is it normal for this sort of talk to happen at this young an age? I need some advice, support, suggestions. This is the last thing anyone wants to hear from anyone especially a 3 year old.
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Re: Toddler saying the word "KILL"
I'd be concerned about where he picked up the notion of killing oneself. I have a long, painful history of suicide in my family, so if I heard DS say anything remotely close to that, it would not sit well with me.
I blame preschool. DS never said 'kill' until he started school and he still doesn't really say it in the right context. He doesn't say 'I'm gonna kill XYZ,' but he says 'kill' all the time. 'I'm gonna kill it off,' 'I'll kill the monsters away' or when he doesn't like being told what to do 'kill kill.'
Again, I blame preschool. I think it's something they pick up from other kids who have older siblings and that they just think of it as something bad, not as actual killing.
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I would encourage you to not over focus on the word he used. He does not understand what it means. Kids that young do not understand death. They have no real understanding of what being dead means, not anything like an adult has, and they have less understanding of what intentionally causing someone to die (killing) means. They know it means hurt or something else bad, most of the time, because we can't entirely shield our kids from everything even if we're with them all the time.
So I wouldn't freak out that he used the word kill.
Yes, yes - I think you're entirely right to teach him that it's not an appropriate word to use and that it is much more hurtful than should ever be said. It's neither respectful nor is it ever appropriate.
But I want you to note the following that you wrote:
So, you wanted to hurt him (emotionally) so that he could understand what it felt like for him to hurt you (emotionally).
So, he wanted to hurt you (emotionally) so because of how you hurt him (emotionally).
He just did EXACTLY what you taught him to do.
He did it in a way that is shocking and not understandable to adults, but he doesn't know that or understand that. If he has said "I hate you," you probably wouldn't have reacted this strongly, though he was still trying to do exactly the same thing. Only by using this word he doesn't entirely understand (he likely has no personal experience with it, and even if he does, he's too young to entirely understand it) he was trying to hurt you a lot, because he felt hurt a lot.
I would encourage you to talk to him, simply, about this. And, I would encourage you to admit that you were wrong. Just as it was wrong for him to want to hurt you because you hurt him, it was wrong for you to want to hurt him because he hurt you. This is a great time to, in very simple terms, explain that you - and he - acted out of anger, and it wasn't the right thing to do. And to talk about what you could have done instead.
Showing kids, with your actions AND your words, that your love and affection is conditional ... well, it really teaches them that only their behavior matters and they don't have any intrinsic value. By saying "unless you behave well enough for me to think it's good enough, I'm not going to show you physical affection", you're teaching him that what you care about is his behavior, not him. And I doubt that's the message you are trying to teach him.
Good luck. I know that turning negativity around isn't easy. And it's so hard when your kid is being super negative. Incredibly frustrating! I would encourage you to work with him on how to cultivate positive emotions along with the negative ones. The "negative" emotions are NOT inherently bad, but we are prone to focusing on them as humans, and it's important to cultivate the good ones as well. As a bonus, the more you help him to work on positive emotions and thoughts, and the more you do the same, the easier it will become.
Edited to add "NOT" in "The 'negative' emotions are NOT inherently bad..." That's a kind of important word in that spot there.
I don't think kids that young can really grasp the meaning of kill or death. He just knows he's upset with you and it's a word he's learned. Even better, it's a word you don't like him using, so when he's mad at you, he'll use it to get on your nerves.
I think telling him that killing or dying means you never get to see that person again was a good way to explain death to a 3 year old.
Secondly, I don't think withholding cuddles from a child is a good form of discipline. You are bascially telling him that when he is "mean" or "bad" that you don't love him anymore. I would put him in time out for three minutes and tell him exactly what he did that you felt was "mean". "You hit Mommy, so you need to sit here until you can play without hitting." "You screamed at Mommy, so you need to sit here until you can play without screaming." Etc. As a teacher, I have been taught it is never appropriate to name call to children. You don't tell them they are mean or bad or naughty, etc. Instead tell them specifically what behavior you disapprove of and why it isn't acceptable.
Thank you TiffanyBerry, Pitterpatter, and everyone else. I really needed this perspective esp. since it's been hard for me to think clearly about how to handle situations in the moment. This ongoing negativity from my son has me spread super thin right now. It has obviously gotten to a point where I am not handling it well at all. Part of me knew I was doing a bad thing by depriving him of affection after our long day of battle, but I did it anyway because I thought he *might* see the message that when we are mean to someone we hurt their feelings. My intentions were for the lesson to be short-lived but it got out of hand quickly. I'm full of flaws, and now he's suffering from it. In retrospect, I wish I would've just done our usual routine, and deal with his general negativity the next day... Which is far better than seeing him go into a rage from lack of affection. I really appreciate all the constructive criticism. I'm still trying to sort things out in my head.
I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. We all have flaws and we're all going to do something parenting that we later wish we hadn't. Probably many times. Hopefully not every week, but some weeks are better than others, you know. These times make for good learning lessons for ourselves going forward, so you become a better parent for it.
My husband read the thread and opined that you are hitting a transition from where you can manipulate your kid into doing what you want (with all the best parenting intentions, this isn't meant as a bad thing) to a point where he is becoming his own very separate person, even emotionally speaking. And maybe having a rough time with that transition.
You can't make him be positive. You can't bribe it into him or punish/discipline negativity out of him. But you can teach him how to find the positive and appropriately handle the negative. It's an invaluable life lesson that I think most of us adults are, at best, still working on.
It's not a battle. It's more like a river. You can't fight it, or human nature, but with time, patience, and a lot of slow, methodical work, you can change its flow.
DD is typically happy, silly, and enthusiastic, but she has temper tantrums, and last week told me my oatmeal was "f*ing sh*t". I asked her who says those words, she told me DH and C. I could tell that really bothered DH and he hasn't said a bad word all week. If it comes up again, I wouldn't bring it up, why don't you ask him where he heard it?
The cursing really bothered me, but I knew where it came from. If DD was generally negative and mentioned killing herself or someone, I'd be totally freaked out. Personally, if it happened again I'd call the dr and get his opinion.
My son is on the 'i hate you' ' i don't like you' 'i'm angry at you/you hurt my feelings' (for things that don't really make sense in that context sometimes) track right now. I don't make a big deal about the words- hate was the only one I thought to make a big deal about, but I didn't until he said it to his sister and then we had a little talk about better choices of words, and I don't think he has said it since.
that being said, when he was younger (2 1/2 or so) and got mad at us, he used to tell me he was going to push me down the stairs, drop me from the ceiling, etc and that totally freaked me out b/c I didn't understand where he even got those notions. He never is aggressive (more the opposite mostly, he cries helplessly if his sister takes his toys and even bakc in the day when she used to bite him!) and never even attempted anything like that but it was upsetting nonetheless so I can see where you're coming from, though I agree that he doesnt have a concept of the word 'kill'. We took DS to a psychiatrist for an eval b/c of a number of behaviors, he was having a lot of trouble adjusting to a move to a new state, house, daycare, and going through terrible 2s/3s all at the same time and struggles w/ transition in general. When I brought up these statements, she said that she thought it was a positive that he was able to express his feelings and we should just guide him to use better words. So, we stopped really acknowledging what he was saying and responding with "i know you're mad/frustrated/angry/whatever" with mommy or daddy right now...He hasn't said any of those things in many months and still is very expressive about his anger & frustration in more appropriate terms but I really try to see it as a good thing that he can tell us that and also that afterward he will often ask us for a hug or to "dry my tears" and he will calm down.
It's freaky but at this age I really wouldn't worry too much and definitely just sort of ignore the word & give better ways to express himself...
I think it's a phase, honestly.
In the last month or so, DS has announced to pretty much everyone that he "doesn't like [them]" if he doesn't immediately get his way. This includes his grandmother, who he usually thinks hung the moon. I'm thinking this is partially not understanding how to express feelings in a productive way coupled with a desire to be more independent. Him saying it drives DH crazy - DH has put him in time out a couple times because of it. I generally either ignore it or tell DS it's ok if he doesn't like me, cause I'm his mother. LOL
The newest saying that bothers us more is "you make me sick". I have no doubt he's picked that lovely saying up from some kid at school. We've had more serious discussions about why it's not appropriate to say that to anyone. No sure if DS really understood, but he hasn't said it in a few days, so here's hoping...
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