When's a good time to have family come help after delivery?

mllelibbington · May 2015

My mother in law offered to stay with us right after the birth and help out for 1-2 weeks. But since both my husband and I will have that time off it seems like we might need more help when I'm on maternity leave by myself. Or is it better right off the bat when we're shellshocked? (First time mom here if you couldn't tell)

JaqiDec04 · May 2015

We did our first child, on our own from the start. DH worked from home, and went back to work part time writhing 4 days of being home. He was bored. DD was a very easy baby.

This time, my mom is coming up for my c section and staying a couple of weeks and I know hands down we will need her, since we have a 4 year old at home.

Looking back, I think it would have been nice to have someone around. Someone to make dinner so DH didn't have to do it, someone to run to the grocery store or out for diapers, etc.

mllelibbington · May 2015

JaqiDec04 said:
Looking back, I think it would have been nice to have someone around. Someone to make dinner so DH didn't have to do it, someone to run to the grocery store or out for diapers, etc.

Did it get easier after a while? Would it have been better to have help right away, after a couple weeks, or it doesn't matter?

RainbowMama7 · May 2015

The first week my hubby stayed home, the second week my mom stayed with us and the third week my MIL stayed with us...worked out perfectly so doing same thing this time!

nsaid4u · May 2015

I personally do not want anyone hanging around my house helping. I like my privacy, especially at a time where I am I'm bleeding, trying to figure out breastfeeding, not sleeping well at night because baby is awake... I don't want to have to worry about house guests at that time too. My husband will stay home for a few days and i plan to have about 30 days worth pre made meals in my deep freezer. Everybody is different but I want my privacy too sort myself out and get to know baby.

double2rouble · May 2015

My mom was there from delivery to my dd was 4 weeks old. Honestly that was a little long. I did enjoy having her there a lot in the begining. If I didn't sleep at night I could nap during the day and my mom took care of the baby.

JaqiDec04 · May 2015

mllelibbington said:

Looking back, I think it would have been nice to have someone around. Someone to make dinner so DH didn't have to do it, someone to run to the grocery store or out for diapers, etc.
Did it get easier after a while? Would it have been better to have help right away, after a couple weeks, or it doesn't matter?

Eventually, you settle into a new routine, and it gets easier. But it really depends on the baby, and your DH. With DD, she fed every 2 hours for 30 minutes. So by the time I changed her, burped her, I had maybe an hour before she was hungry again. So doing anything more than getting dressed or a load of laundry, wasn't going to happen. Cooking meals was completely out the window, DH had to do it all. And I couldn't go to the grocery store, without a screaming infant if I didn't time it perfectly.

I would never have a "guest" in my home. I enjoy my privacy as well, and its why I didn't want anyone around the first time. But looking back, we did have a room mate, and it was a life saver to hand her my debit card and send her out for diapers, food, drive thru, groceries, clothes, whatever. DD was probably 3 - 4 weeks old before I attempted to go anywhere with her, like the mall for maternity bras. So I think having my mother there, would be helpful for those types of things. But only if she's there to HELP not as a guest. Cooking, cleaning, diapers, holding a screaming kid while you go to the bathroom...its not going to be a glamours job.

If you want, try and do it on your own the first week, so you can get some family time, and then maybe have your mom come in for two weeks. Or maybe a week, and then a week again when your DH goes back to work to help ease the transition. Its different for everyone.

Boonhilde · May 2015

RIGHT AWAY! Those first two weeks are impossible. You and your DH are going to want someone there to watch baby while you two get a few more hours of sleep.

Carmofrap · May 2015

oooh I didn't even want my visitors to come over. haha. I definitely would not have been cool with anyone staying at my house. But I'm the type that needs to make sure everyone is comfortable. It would have added work on my shoulders regardless of who had stayed. I definitely wouldn't ever want anyone over the first few weeks. If your husband is home I would have them wait till he goes back to work. Since there isn't much he can do at night if you are breastfeeding so he can take the baby during the day for you to nap and a lot of times people bring you meals and honestly cooking something simple isn't at all hard to do unless your man is completely lost in the kitchen. A protein and a salad shouldn't be out of his realm of expertise. And lunches and breakfasts are easy. haha. I remember it being a lot of breastfeeding. like all day breastfeeding and all night breastfeeding but other than that it certainly wasn't hard. It's just a lil newborn who sleeps eats and poops. Pretty simple.

amiejl · May 2015

It depends on who is coming. If they are a great helper, then right away is awesome. Someone whowill let you sleep and make you food and do the laundry makes recovery loads easier. If they want to visit or need food made for them or do not do the laundry or stir up the other children, I hope they will stay home for a while. I have a set of each, and I'm not sure yet how to tell the one set we'll need a few weeks (wish I could say months). Side note, your husband, while helpful is also going to be extremely exhausted, so if they can help him prep meals and such, so much the better.

LiveNLove44 · May 2015

This is so interesting! I thought that my MIL was crazy (okay, I mean more than usual) for assuming we wanted her to come over and sleep at our house when we had DD. I was actually a little pissed that she thought she'd come over and take over DH's role so her son could get sleep while she and I did baby duty. Um, no thank you. She is over-protective of DH anyway, so I assumed it was all related to her being worried about him getting sleep.

The bottom line for us was that we really wanted to do it together, and we wanted to get to know DD from day 1 and how she and we would establish our routine as a family. Having my MIL or even my mom during those early days and weeks would have just ticked me off and disrupted our flow. We kept it calm, easy-going, and by the 5th or 6th day after the hospital, we were smooth sailing! I hate extra help like that anyway, baby or not, because I don't like feeling incompetent (although I realize accepting health can really be a strength, too).

If you like a hand with the house or you want someone like a mom or MIL with you when you're figuring out midnight feedings with a nipple shield (okay, well I needed one), do it. If you prefer to recover with you SO and find a routine for you without external interruption, I'd recommend waiting for over-nighters until that's set. Everyone will be VERY different, as is indicated by these responses, so that's just my two cents!

kim1228 · May 2015

FTM mom here...what about in-laws coming from out of town, but staying at a hotel nearby (we don't have room to accomodate). Better for them to fly in when I'm in labor so they can meet their first grandchild, and stay a week or so and just visit/help, or wait till we've got a routine down and everyone can have more quality time?

amberrmariee20 · May 2015

With my first born I moved back in with my parents for a while till I could get back on my feet, I was young, 18... But I didn't like having my parents constantly around. I was breastfeeding(pumping) and when baby was sleeping I just wanted to sleep, but my mother had other plans. Love my parents and family but this time I get to be just me my boyfriend, my first son who will be 4 in September and our newborn son. It's going to be so much easier not having people around all the time !

shannond21228 · May 2015

@kim1228 I think it would depend on the type of relationship you have with your in laws and your personality. I really lucked out and love my in laws, they're super laid back and are so helpful so I wouldn't be entertaining them. I wouldn't be able to handle someone that wanted to be entertained and treated it like a relaxing vacation.

glerro · May 2015

I had a bad first 2 nights at home w DD. I wish someone had stayed w us to let us know if we were doing it right and just for our sanity. You get into a groove within a week or two and are less likely to feel as anxious as i did. After the second night, i stayed at my parents for a week
If someone offers me again, im definitely not passing it up.

Cupcakesandquilts · May 2015

For me, what was helpful was people bringing meals and quick visits just for moments of sanity. I didn't like just chatting and I didn't want people coming in doing our laundry or dishes. Having real visitors wasn't a good idea for a few weeks.

loveleighmami · May 2015

Never. Haha jk

Right away is helpful, but if they stay too long they could wear out their welcome. To me, it depends on how helpful your hubby is or not. If he's able to cook and keep things tidy, then I don't see the need right away. My ex husband could barely pour a glass of water on his own, so it was helpful to have his mom at the beginning.

laceyjaep · May 2015

My mother in law offered a lot of help the first time and I turned her down. After the first few weeks I was so exhausted and frazzled that I regretted it. They are just 10 minutes down the road though so they don't stay over night. I will probably accept a little more help this time. Especially with a 4 year old and newborn.

Kbhunter · May 2015

My mom and mother in law were there day one when we got home from hospital.
I recommended this. Major shell shock and husband can't help that much with nursing. My mother in law helped a lot with that since she had nursed and my mom hadn't.
My husband basically ran errands that first week every time I needed something. Honey I need more colace and tucks!!!!! Lol he also slept on the couch downstairs and my
Mom helped me during the night, that damn latch.
You will want help. Believe me.

mllelibbington · May 2015

Thanks for the input ladies! My husband is pretty handy, he actually does ALL the cooking and he's dying to be helpful so it won't be too bad. My MIL def wants to help (she's Korean, it's a cultural thing to come and help right after birth) and not just be a spectator so I will probably take her up on it, it'll depend on her schedule when she can actually come over here from Texas though. She's not great going up and down stairs so she might not opt for our basement guest room, so I probably don't have to worry about hosting.

CaitLewis15 · May 2015

My parents are staying for a week or two with us right before and after baby. My mom is an angel of grace and mercy. I already know she will cook, clean, and make sure I'm rested. And she manages to do it all without being in any way pushy or overbearing. It's magical. Even my husband loves having my parents around.

My secret reason for wanting them both here is that it will help buffer my MIL some. She is needy, emotionally demanding, manipulative, overbearing and opinionated. I can't stand her. She is horrible to my husband, and makes him feel all sorts of inadequate, which breaks my heart because he is wonderful.

I've already informed husband and parents that my tolerance for BS will be even lower than usual October, and that I don't want MIL around at all. Like, she can meet baby in hospital but do not presume to come to my house. I am very likely to say something that will not be quickly forgiven, and who needs that...

DeeGreer · May 2015

My mom has volunteered to help out, cook, and clean for the first few weeks until we get into the swing of things but she already said "I know you like your space so I won't be staying..just doing what you need and I'll go" hahaha Thanks mom!

as far as people just visiting..ugh. I'm not excited about it. I love my friends and family but most everyone is so rowdy. I'll definitely let me mom shut them down though! My boyfriend's mom is a nurse so she's offered her assistant too so with those two I'm sure we'll be just fine!

meghan82 · May 2015

@kim1228my in-laws will be flying in when the baby is born and my parents will come too. we have no space for them both to stay so they will all stay in a hotel. my husband will have to be in charge of them all, i am trying not to stress about it. on the plus side when my sis had her son my parents were very good about giving them lots of space. after the baby was born my mom went to their house (had asked my brother in law prior), cleaned it, and stocked their fridge with groceries. i don't expect them to do this for us the same day because they will be traveling but i am kind of hoping it happens before i leave the hospital, lol. as far as i can see aside from the emotional support and sharing in the happiness of them meeting the baby as soon as possible, i am not sure it really matters when they come, but my parents went thru this all with my sis less than a year ago so i think they have a good idea of how to be helpful. my in-laws, i suspect not so much... i love my MIL but she can be a bit harder to manage sometimes. i hope she stays flexible. all will have to take time off from work so they can only stay around two-three days, especially if it is not a weekend. my parents live closer (4 hour drive) so i am hoping that my mom will come back for a weekend after my hubs goes back to work (he's planning to take 2 weeks off). i am guessing my sis will want to come down to meet the baby too, maybe after a couple of weeks, but she'll have her own ~11 month old so i am not expecting that she helps as she will be occupied by him... but she has a lot of good advice.

When's a good time to have family come help after delivery?

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