I was going to let this one die but I just can't now. There is NO EXCUSE to not write a gracious thank you note to people who voluntarily gave you generous gifts. NO EXCUSE. That's one of the rudest things I can think of.
I recently split a very pricey newborn photo shoot with a friend for our mutual friend's shower. I was in the room with this girl when her baby was born, in fact. And she told me about writing thank you notes to her estranged husband's family, and i know our other friends received tham as well, yet our other friend and I never got one. I was really really hurt by this, especially given all that I had done for her. Seriously...write thank you notes please. Believe me, people care.
Yes, you deserved a thank-you note. Definitely. No arguments.
I realize mine is an UO (maybe I should have saved it for one of those threads!) but in general I am not offended if I don't get a thank-you, and I struggle to get them done myself. It's a cultural expectation that for some reason I do not align with! I am trying to remember the last few showers I've been to... I don't think I've gotten any thank-you's and it never crossed my mind.
You struggle write a couple of sentences of gratitude in response to someone's thoughtful gift?!
Not at all. I've never had a baby, but I imagine that writing 30 or more cards (each with a couple of personalized sentences, at LEAST) would be exhausting. I've seen enough people late in their pregnancies, and with newborns, to realize that much.
After my wedding it was 200 thank-yous. Again, not just a couple of sentences.
If someone gives me an especially thoughtful gift, or out of the blue, I usually send a thank-you. I'm just not a fan of them being mandatory for big events. It puts stress on the person receiving the gift, rather than them being able to relax and enjoy whatever joyous stage of life they're in.
Not at all. I've never had a baby, but I imagine that writing 30 or more cards (each with a couple of personalized sentences, at LEAST) would be exhausting. I've seen enough people late in their pregnancies, and with newborns, to realize that much.
After my wedding it was 200 thank-yous. Again, not just a couple of sentences.
If someone gives me an especially thoughtful gift, or out of the blue, I usually send a thank-you. I'm just not a fan of them being mandatory for big events. It puts stress on the person receiving the gift, rather than them being able to relax and enjoy whatever joyous stage of life they're in.
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Ok I mean I wrote nearly 200 thank yous for wedding gifts too...and I can honestly say that none of them individually took more than 5 minutes. Yet, when I go out to buy someone a gift, it takes me at least 30 minutes to complete that transaction, between picking it out, wrapping it, getting a card, etc.
So the thought process here is that you can't bring yourself to spend 1/6 of the time writing a thank you note to someone who thought of you and graciously wanted to help you out with a gift? This is crazy to me.
I'm moving past this now; I get that some people don't care about receiving thank you notes. However, consider that a lot of people DO care, and it's pretty likely that some of those people got you gifts. I literally will never buy my friend's kid another gift because she couldn't be bothered to spend 5 minutes thanking me for the time and care I put into getting her something. If you're not going to send thank you notes, you need to at least acknowledge that it's likely you will insult some people as a result.
I'll never mention this to my friend because that would be super rude. So before you say "I asked my friends and family and they don't care" consider that they too probably don't want to tell you that you're being rude, even though some of them likely think that you are.
Not at all. I've never had a baby, but I imagine that writing 30 or more cards (each with a couple of personalized sentences, at LEAST) would be exhausting. I've seen enough people late in their pregnancies, and with newborns, to realize that much.
After my wedding it was 200 thank-yous. Again, not just a couple of sentences.
If someone gives me an especially thoughtful gift, or out of the blue, I usually send a thank-you. I'm just not a fan of them being mandatory for big events. It puts stress on the person receiving the gift, rather than them being able to relax and enjoy whatever joyous stage of life they're in.
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Ok I mean I wrote nearly 200 thank yous for wedding gifts too...and I can honestly say that none of them individually took more than 5 minutes. Yet, when I go out to buy someone a gift, it takes me at least 30 minutes to complete that transaction, between picking it out, wrapping it, getting a card, etc.
So the thought process here is that you can't bring yourself to spend 1/6 of the time writing a thank you note to someone who thought of you and graciously wanted to help you out with a gift? This is crazy to me.
I'm moving past this now; I get that some people don't care about receiving thank you notes. However, consider that a lot of people DO care, and it's pretty likely that some of those people got you gifts. I literally will never buy my friend's kid another gift because she couldn't be bothered to spend 5 minutes thanking me for the time and care I put into getting her something. If you're not going to send thank you notes, you need to at least acknowledge that it's likely you will insult some people as a result.
I'll never mention this to my friend because that would be super rude. So before you say "I asked my friends and family and they don't care" consider that they too probably don't want to tell you that you're being rude, even though some of them likely think that you are.
I mentioned in my first post that I got my wedding thank you notes done, but it took me a while! (even at 5 minutes a note, that's like 16 hours of work). I made sure to do the ones for family and friends who helped with various aspects first, so they knew they were appreciated. I repeat: I DO THANK YOU NOTES.
I just don't agree with the cultural pressure to do them. But, like many things, I conform so that people don't think I'm an asshole. Just expressing an opinion about them here.
This is my 5th child and I had 3 showers for each of them, a piece. Except for my 1st cause I gave her up for adoption. I was active duty Navy and had my 3 DAUGHTERS, at each duty station I was at(all 3 yrs apart). My colleagues, church and friends threw me a shower. I don't feel it's considered gift grabby or whatever term the PP expressed earlier. I've never heard of that. When you have people in your life that truly care for you and your decisions and they want to show their support and throw u a baby shower, what are you going to say, no cause it's not proper etiquette??? That's the silliest thing I've heard. My DH and I are very well equipt to take care of this next one and we don't expect a handout. But a baby shower is a celebration, it's like saying let's not give our child a birthday party THIS year cause they had one last year, really? Please! If you yourself don't decide to have a baby shower, great! As for me, now that I am a civilian, in a different period in my life, and it has been 6 yrs since my last child, I'm going to do the registry thing and I already have 3 showers planned by friends, church AND work!! They all are super excited to celebrate a new ADDITION to my family!!! Yaay! Welcome to a NEW period in all of your lives!!!
I also don't see why you can't have a full on shower if the sex is different from your first baby. I feel like sometimes you can just do whatever the hell you want to do. If you need stuff, have a shower. I don't know about you but I couldn't possibly give less of a shit what anyone else thinks of me.
I bet you're an incredibly well liked and considerate person.
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I actually agree with @carolyngrace on the thank you note thing. I think the societal pressure is over the top. I've had conversations with several friends and family about this and have come to one conclusion. My parents generation+ seem to care about them. My generation and under generally don't care. Majority of my friends straight up told me, don't worry about writing me one and since then I've said the same to any shower or birthday or whatever I have gone to.
I always here the reason that it's so personal and meaningful. What I find though is that people come up with a few sentences for the majority of their notes and just sub in the item for each one. It's not personal and meaningful, it's simply an obligation.
And yes, I sent thank you notes (although my baby shower ones took forever since it didn't happen until after my preemie dd was born and I was a little preoccupied with the whole having a preemie thing).
We may have a baby shower for this baby if someone wants to throw one for us. It's my second child but my husband's first. Also, it is the first grand baby for his parents. I was unsure if it would be unacceptable for us to have one but all my friends think it is a good idea.
I'm confused... And maybe it's my fuzzy pregnant brain... But how do you have a choice if your family/friend decide to throw you a shower? My daughter will be six years older than this baby, but we still have her crib, stroller and car seat. I don't expect a shower, or even gifts, but if someone surprised me, I would be immensely grateful.
1-I think people's replies on here are really negative & some people are very rude, I've never in my life heard the term "gift grabby", I think the people saying that are they themselves the ones that must be "gift grabby" to think it 2- to the people accusing this poor girl of throwing her own shower you're assuming that, she didn't say she was 3- If someone wants/offers to throw you a subsequent shower I think it's a beautiful way to celebrate the BABY, why shouldn't each life be celebrated, but maybe that's the difference betw the "gift grabby" accusers that for them it's all about the presents but for other people it's about getting together to CELEBRATE a new life & not about the gifts 4- if anyone invited to a subsequent shower that doesn't feel it's necessary to buy them a gift doesn't need to attend & will decline the invitation but there are many many people who show there congratulations & excitement in the form of a gift, whether it be at a shower or once the baby is born
3- If someone wants/offers to throw you a subsequent shower I think it's a beautiful way to celebrate the BABY, why shouldn't each life be celebrated, but maybe that's the difference betw the "gift grabby" accusers that for them it's all about the presents but for other people it's about getting together to CELEBRATE a new life & not about the gifts
A baby shower is not now, and has never been about the baby. It's about the mother. The term "shower" is used because you are literally showering the mother with gifts. It is literally about the presents. Your interpretation goes against history, logic, and the English language. If you want to celebrate the baby, then have a party for the (wait for it) baby.
@GASuzuki Well I can't speak for everyone who commented but my perspective is that if the friends or family (other than mom) plan a small shower for a second baby, there's nothing wrong with that. But the mom to be should not be hinting for it, asking for it, saying she wants one, or planning it, and creating a registry counts as planning.
I've been invited to half a dozen very modest gatherings for second babies - there were never registries and most of them were surprises for the mom to be. Nothing wrong with that at all.
I think it depends on what your family and friends are comfortable with. My husband's family feels like each baby should be celebrated. My family doesn't mind and loves to get together. But I definitely had friends that raised an eyebrow to a second shower. However my kids were 5 years apart and opposite genders. But in the end we decided to go with a gender reveal for our second . But my coworkers threw me a baby shower. So we got a few items to get us started with our boy which was nice because with my daughter we left that baby shower looking like a bottle of pepto bismol had exploded in my car so there wasn't much we could reuse for our boy.
I due with my third and kinda hoping for a shower because we gave all of our baby stuff away....we have a 4 year gap, but had a friend of a friend that really needed baby stuff, so we gave it away.
Oh well that makes it totally okay! Just kidding it's fucking gross. Support your own kid!
I agree a sprinkle is ok for close friends and family. A full on shower is fine with kids are 5+ yrs apart but other than that not appropriate. I figure most close family and friends want to get gifts anytime a baby is born, but if I was expecting 2nd or 3rd I wouldn't expect a shower. Maybe more a 'sip n see' for after the baby is born so people can celebrate the baby - not expecting any gifts.
FWIW, a shower should only ever be close friends and family. Since its a gift giving event, its not an invite everyone you know type of event.
Also if people want to give you a gift, they will. They don't need an invitation to do so.
Even further, you should never "expect" a shower. Even if it's your first. A shower is not an entitlement, it's a gift and if no one offers you don't get one.
This thread is so full of entitlement it's depressing.
My coworkers are throwing me a shower, at work. This is my second child (DS is 12 yrs, I started working at my current employer 3 yrs ago). I didn't ask, hint, or have anything to do with the shower. One of my colleagues is an older woman who wasn't invited to our (20 person family-only) wedding, made us a quilt as a marriage gift (& OF COURSE I wrote her a personal thank you note BTW!). When my secret was outed at work a few weeks ago, she informed that she was organizing a baby shower for sometime in May. I was a bit surprised, but she really likes me, has no children/grand children of her own, and is a downright delightful human being.
I think her offer is very gracious and wonderful, and it was certainly unexpected.
But by your logic... I should not attend this work shower? As it's not "close friends and family"? I had nothing to do with it. What if it were a surprise? What would you think should be done then? Walk out because it's gift grabby? Color me confused here by your comment.
If people want to do nice things for you, let them. Sometimes their need to do those things isn't even really about you in the end.
@Trampslikeus Thanks for the clarification! I have actually never heard of a person planning their own shower or even hinting they want one. How exactly does one do that? LOL! I would like to learn to be gift grabby. (Just kidding... Seriously, we are fine without anyone throwing us even a sprinkle.)
1. Obviously you should NEVER throw yourself a shower. Asking for gifts is tacky. 2. Regardless if it's your 1st child or your 19th child, if someone else wants to throw you a shower it is no one else's business to be rude or condescending about it. 3. Thank you cards are nice but also optional. "I'm going to be mad at you because I gave you something and you didn't give me something back" how childish. I have never been to a shower where the guest of honor didn't say thank you. And that was sufficient for me! A gift is a gift. No recompense required. Ps. If you don't want to go to someone's shower because they already had one and you don't want to buy them another gift, then DON'T GO. That's better than being snarky about it.
@Darbie914 What does someone do in the event of a surprise then? I'm fairly certain that if I politely insisted that we would rather have a sip and see than the shower they insisted on throwing, that my work colleagues would just turn it into a surprise (second baby for me but 13 yr age gap). Baby showers at my place of employment are done at work, during work hours, and often the mother thinks she is going to a routine meeting. They mentioned they were planning a shower but have refused to tell me anything, including the date.
If that happens is it still tacky? Should the mother walk out of the room and refuse to participate. What if she isn't sure if everyone there was 100% ok with it?
I find all of your rules confusing, and with little room for options like a surprise. At a certain point I can't control other people's behavior and I really don't care what other people do for their own babies. Not worth my time and emotion.
@Darbie914, I actually think etiquette DOES differ by social circle, as evidenced by the fact that @willowprincess has friends who don't care about receiving thank-you notes, which would be considered incredibly offensive among my friends. However, having a second shower is totally accepted and normal in my circle, and no one thinks of it as 'gift-grabby.' The idea that your friends wouldn't want to eat some cake and buy you a onesie the second time around is totally foreign to me. The only part of this thread that makes sense to me is that you should never host your own shower and that you should not register at all, or should not register for big items with 2nd or 3rd children.
ETA: I'm a FTM, not someone who's defending her own choice to have a second shower or anything. This is purely based on my own willingness to attend multiple showers for the same women over time.
Rainbow Baby? {2.1.21} MC at 8 weeks {EDD 9.2.20} Rainbow Girl! {2.28.16} Baby boy, lost at 16 weeks {EDD 6.10.15}
@Darbie914, I actually think etiquette DOES differ by social circle, as evidenced by the fact that @willowprincess has friends who don't care about receiving thank-you notes, which would be considered incredibly offensive among my friends. However, having a second shower is totally accepted and normal in my circle, and no one thinks of it as 'gift-grabby.' The idea that your friends wouldn't want to eat some cake and buy you a onesie the second time around is totally foreign to me. The only part of this thread that makes sense to me is that you should never host your own shower and that you should not register at all, or should not register for big items with 2nd or 3rd children.
ETA: I'm a FTM, not someone who's defending her own choice to have a second shower or anything. This is purely based on my own willingness to attend multiple showers for the same women over time.
Unless every single person being invited to a subsequent shower is asked if they find them offensive, you cannot truly know if you're putting someone out. And that's the risk people take when having second+ showers.
As to the bolded:
1) If you want to eat cake, then just eat some cake. You don't need a shower to do so.
2) If someone wants to buy you a gift, then they will buy you a gift. They don't need a shower to do so.
3) Maybe someone doesn't want to buy you (general you) a onesie or any gift for that matter. Maybe they don't have the financial means to purchase another baby present after they already bought you one the first time. Believe it or not, not everyone is jumping for joy at the chance to whip out their wallets to buy someone a gift. And like I said earlier, if someone is measuring my friendship based on the money and gifts I spend on them, it's likely that person isn't truly a friend in the first place.
And I always find it funny that those are who in favor of subsequent showers are the ones who know they are having one. I mean, why WOULD you be opposed to it? You are directly benefiting from it. Save the BS and at least own up to your selfish reasons.
That's just it. I DON'T know I'm having one. At all. This is my first baby, and we're moving across the country next week. I don't even know if I'm having a first shower, let alone a second child and/or shower. And I will not be living amongst these friends when I have my first or any subsequent children. So... yeah. That's why I edited my post to say I'm a FTM. This is NOT based on my experience or expectations. I wrote this the first time, but I'll put it here again:
ETA: I'm a FTM, not someone who's defending her own choice to have a second shower or anything. This is purely based on my own willingness to attend multiple showers for the same women over time.
Just as I can't speak for everyone in saying second showers are ok (you CLEARLY think they're horrific), you can't speak for everyone either. And I think if you know yourself, your friends, etc. you can make the call on whether it's appropriate to accept a second shower if it's offered by your friends.
ETA: IMO, it's MUCH weirder to throw yourself an AW-sex/"gender"-reveal party AND have someone throw you a baby shower the first time around than it is to accept a shower that's offered for each kid. But PLEASE, enlighten me about my selfishness in enjoying the multiple showers I've attended for other women even though I don't have any kids myself and won't even live near these friends when I do.
Rainbow Baby? {2.1.21} MC at 8 weeks {EDD 9.2.20} Rainbow Girl! {2.28.16} Baby boy, lost at 16 weeks {EDD 6.10.15}
@Darbie914 "1) If you want to eat cake, then just eat some cake. You don't need a shower to do so."
And now I want cake. I THINK there may be a box of lemon cake mix in the back of the cupboard. If there is... My 12 yr old will be very happy I read this thread when he gets home.
@Darbie914 "1) If you want to eat cake, then just eat some cake. You don't need a shower to do so."
And now I want cake. I THINK there may be a box of lemon cake mix in the back of the cupboard. If there is... My 12 yr old will be very happy I read this thread when he gets home.
MOAR CAKE!!!!!!!!!
I MAY have impulse purchased funfetti frosting yesterday in a moment of weakness. Looking forward to eating a spoonful of that when this horrific day is over
Also, I looked to see what Emily Post had to say about this (right or wrong, I consider the Emily Post Institute to be the final word on etiquette). See the link below for a "professional" opinion:
Also, I looked to see what Emily Post had to say about this (right or wrong, I consider the Emily Post Institute to be the final word on etiquette). See the link below for a "professional" opinion:
The Emily Post Institute is being run by random family members of the late Emily Post, and has been basterdized since her death. Poke around the etiquette board on the knot. Everyone there will tell you that Miss Manners is the only legit source these days.
My phone won't let me copy a link right now but Google "miss manners second showers" and you'll find plenty about this. There's a great summary article on etiquettehell.com.
Also, I looked to see what Emily Post had to say about this (right or wrong, I consider the Emily Post Institute to be the final word on etiquette). See the link below for a "professional" opinion:
The Emily Post Institute is being run by random family members of the late Emily Post, and has been basterdized since her death. Poke around the etiquette board on the knot. Everyone there will tell you that Miss Manners is the only legit source these days.
My phone won't let me copy a link right now but Google "miss manners second showers" and you'll find plenty about this. There's a great summary article on etiquettehell.com.
I'm not gonna lie - I was a little surprised at the position EPI took on this. Looks like I'll be cross referencing my etiquette advice from now on when things seem off. Thanks for the reference!
Note: I'm a FTM so I don't actually have a stake in this debate - just curious to see how the etiquette gurus came out on the subject.
Yeah Emily Post Institute gives passes to a lot of questionable wedding etiquette nightmares that I think would make Emily Post herself roll over in her grave. Like cash - only showers and honeymoon registries. I think the stance on cash bars is also questionable, if memory serves (haven't poked around on wedding etiquette in a while so I don't remember specifics).
We are having one for our second but there is a 10 year gap between my dd and the new baby so we literally have nothing! I am going to register (this is also my DH first baby so his family and he will want everything) I think if there is a gap or of you had a different gender baby you can have a shower!
We may have a baby shower for this baby if someone wants to throw one for us. It's my second child but my husband's first. Also, it is the first grand baby for his parents. I was unsure if it would be unacceptable for us to have one but all my friends think it is a good idea.
You should only have a shower for your first if someone wants to throw one for you. I'm not sure what you are getting at. You should never host one for yourself. First, second or fifth.
If his family wants to host something, that's fine, but other than your mother and maybe your sisters (if any) I wouldn't invite anyone who was invited to your the shower for your first).
I'm getting at, IF (like I said) someone. (His mother, his sister, my sister) wants to throw us a shower, then we will have one. Why would I throw my own? Lol! My sister has already started talking about one and I did ask around to see if it was tacky and unacceptable, everyone I know says that it's a good idea for her to throw one. My husband (God bless him) is soo into all things baby. Including a shower. I am just thrilled that he has enough enthusiasm for the both of us.
I'm pretty sure I didn't say anything to get your panties in a wad but to each her own I suppose. And if I want to give my friend a dress for her daughter because she's never had one I feel like I can. Small celebratory get togethers aren't going to cause the apocalypse nor will it lead anyone to believe they can't take care of their own child. In all honesty I didn't even read your whole reply because, as I said prior, I couldn't possibly give less of a shit what you or any other anonymous internet troll think. But thanks?
We are having one for our second but there is a 10 year gap between my dd and the new baby so we literally have nothing! I am going to register (this is also my DH first baby so his family and he will want everything) I think if there is a gap or of you had a different gender baby you can have a shower!
I don't even know where to start with this one. smh 1. It's sex not gender (sex is between the legs, gender is between the ears). 2. It would be excusable to have a shower in your situation if it was strictly your DH's side of the family and maybe your mom. 3. SEX and/or age gap does not entitle anyone to a second shower. 4. Since you have nothing, instead of mooching off of friends and family why don't you support your own child. I know, what a shocking concept. Just because you don't think it's in poor taste it doesn't mean others that attend second showers aren't side eyeing the tackiness.
It's been 11 years since I had my son. I think maybe the gals at work may give me one when the time comes. I am making a registry though in case of this and if anybody in my family wants to get me anything. The only baby thing I have left is a bop pillow....lol.
@beinfamous From the looks of this thread, I fall in pretty neutral territory on this issue, and like I said, I've happily attended a handful of showers for second children, but they NEVER had registries, and I think the majority would find that pretty tacky.
The problem is it's hard to say things like this to your friends or family in person... so someone may have told you it's fine, but I'd rather be safe than sorry and avoid people rolling their eyes when I'm not looking. It's not worth it just to get free shit, right??
Once I was given a gift and the woman (who gave me the gift) said her only request was that I NOT send her a thank you note. This is a woman who is of the same generation as my grandmother (who will not let you REST until you send a detailed thank you note)... This woman said she understood that I would have a lot going on and didn't want to put yet another item on my to-do list and she also said that she gave out of a desire to bless me, not a desire to be recognized.
Granted, I absolutely don't think that people in general are giving gifts to be recognized, especially at showers, and thank you notes are not usually expected for the sake of being praised but just to show gratitude (hence the name) But that did stick with me and of every gift I received in that season of my life, that is the one I remember in the most detail.
So now I always give the same request when I give a gift, although sometimes people still write a thank you (and I appreciate that!) I just liked the thought behind the woman's sentiment and I think it takes one tiny bit of pressure off the person who receives! Having said that, I always write thank you notes. Just because I don't expect them doesn't mean I don't think I should have to send them!
@beinfamous I don't find registries tacky. I find them very helpful... I'm the type to go out and buy the worst gift if I'm not told what to buy. And I often forget to give gift receipts so my poor recipients are stuck with my weirdness. As long as you're not walking around volunteering the information about your registry without being asked for it, I think you're OK.
@brennazesquire LOL! I think you should be happy your sister is planning you a shower!!! I think the sentiments behind the shower are getting lost in this thread. If someone in your family is giving you a shower, you should bask in its glow and enjoy the love and support from your circle. Showers thrown for you unbidden are great gifts of love. Gifts are nice and all, but the time with family is pretty amazing (even if you are an emotional wreck!!!).
Re: baby shower for a second child?
Not at all. I've never had a baby, but I imagine that writing 30 or more cards (each with a couple of personalized sentences, at LEAST) would be exhausting. I've seen enough people late in their pregnancies, and with newborns, to realize that much.
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Ok I mean I wrote nearly 200 thank yous for wedding gifts too...and I can honestly say that none of them individually took more than 5 minutes. Yet, when I go out to buy someone a gift, it takes me at least 30 minutes to complete that transaction, between picking it out, wrapping it, getting a card, etc.
So the thought process here is that you can't bring yourself to spend 1/6 of the time writing a thank you note to someone who thought of you and graciously wanted to help you out with a gift? This is crazy to me.
I'm moving past this now; I get that some people don't care about receiving thank you notes. However, consider that a lot of people DO care, and it's pretty likely that some of those people got you gifts. I literally will never buy my friend's kid another gift because she couldn't be bothered to spend 5 minutes thanking me for the time and care I put into getting her something. If you're not going to send thank you notes, you need to at least acknowledge that it's likely you will insult some people as a result.
I'll never mention this to my friend because that would be super rude. So before you say "I asked my friends and family and they don't care" consider that they too probably don't want to tell you that you're being rude, even though some of them likely think that you are.
This is my 5th child and I had 3 showers for each of them, a piece. Except for my 1st cause I gave her up for adoption. I was active duty Navy and had my 3 DAUGHTERS, at each duty station I was at(all 3 yrs apart). My colleagues, church and friends threw me a shower. I don't feel it's considered gift grabby or whatever term the PP expressed earlier. I've never heard of that. When you have people in your life that truly care for you and your decisions and they want to show their support and throw u a baby shower, what are you going to say, no cause it's not proper etiquette??? That's the silliest thing I've heard. My DH and I are very well equipt to take care of this next one and we don't expect a handout. But a baby shower is a celebration, it's like saying let's not give our child a birthday party THIS year cause they had one last year, really? Please! If you yourself don't decide to have a baby shower, great! As for me, now that I am a civilian, in a different period in my life, and it has been 6 yrs since my last child, I'm going to do the registry thing and I already have 3 showers planned by friends, church AND work!! They all are super excited to celebrate a new ADDITION to my family!!! Yaay! Welcome to a NEW period in all of your lives!!!
2- to the people accusing this poor girl of throwing her own shower you're assuming that, she didn't say she was
3- If someone wants/offers to throw you a subsequent shower I think it's a beautiful way to celebrate the BABY, why shouldn't each life be celebrated, but maybe that's the difference betw the "gift grabby" accusers that for them it's all about the presents but for other people it's about getting together to CELEBRATE a new life & not about the gifts
4- if anyone invited to a subsequent shower that doesn't feel it's necessary to buy them a gift doesn't need to attend & will decline the invitation but there are many many people who show there congratulations & excitement in the form of a gift, whether it be at a shower or once the baby is born
I've been invited to half a dozen very modest gatherings for second babies - there were never registries and most of them were surprises for the mom to be. Nothing wrong with that at all.
Just kidding it's fucking gross. Support your own kid!
I think her offer is very gracious and wonderful, and it was certainly unexpected.
But by your logic... I should not attend this work shower? As it's not "close friends and family"? I had nothing to do with it. What if it were a surprise? What would you think should be done then? Walk out because it's gift grabby? Color me confused here by your comment.
If people want to do nice things for you, let them. Sometimes their need to do those things isn't even really about you in the end.
2. Regardless if it's your 1st child or your 19th child, if someone else wants to throw you a shower it is no one else's business to be rude or condescending about it.
3. Thank you cards are nice but also optional. "I'm going to be mad at you because I gave you something and you didn't give me something back" how childish. I have never been to a shower where the guest of honor didn't say thank you. And that was sufficient for me! A gift is a gift. No recompense required.
Ps. If you don't want to go to someone's shower because they already had one and you don't want to buy them another gift, then DON'T GO. That's better than being snarky about it.
What does someone do in the event of a surprise then? I'm fairly certain that if I politely insisted that we would rather have a sip and see than the shower they insisted on throwing, that my work colleagues would just turn it into a surprise (second baby for me but 13 yr age gap). Baby showers at my place of employment are done at work, during work hours, and often the mother thinks she is going to a routine meeting. They mentioned they were planning a shower but have refused to tell me anything, including the date.
If that happens is it still tacky? Should the mother walk out of the room and refuse to participate. What if she isn't sure if everyone there was 100% ok with it?
I find all of your rules confusing, and with little room for options like a surprise. At a certain point I can't control other people's behavior and I really don't care what other people do for their own babies. Not worth my time and emotion.
MC at 8 weeks {EDD 9.2.20}
Rainbow Girl! {2.28.16}
Baby boy, lost at 16 weeks {EDD 6.10.15}
MC at 8 weeks {EDD 9.2.20}
Rainbow Girl! {2.28.16}
Baby boy, lost at 16 weeks {EDD 6.10.15}
"1) If you want to eat cake, then just eat some cake. You don't need a shower to do so."
And now I want cake. I THINK there may be a box of lemon cake mix in the back of the cupboard. If there is... My 12 yr old will be very happy I read this thread when he gets home.
MOAR CAKE!!!!!!!!!
https://www.emilypost.com/social-life/celebrations-through-life/456-baby-shower-questions-answered
My phone won't let me copy a link right now but Google "miss manners second showers" and you'll find plenty about this. There's a great summary article on etiquettehell.com.
Note: I'm a FTM so I don't actually have a stake in this debate - just curious to see how the etiquette gurus came out on the subject.
I'm getting at, IF (like I said) someone. (His mother, his sister, my sister) wants to throw us a shower, then we will have one. Why would I throw my own? Lol! My sister has already started talking about one and I did ask around to see if it was tacky and unacceptable, everyone I know says that it's a good idea for her to throw one. My husband (God bless him) is soo into all things baby. Including a shower. I am just thrilled that he has enough enthusiasm for the both of us.
I don't even know where to start with this one. smh
1. It's sex not gender (sex is between the legs, gender is between the ears).
2. It would be excusable to have a shower in your situation if it was strictly your DH's side of the family and maybe your mom.
3. SEX and/or age gap does not entitle anyone to a second shower.
4. Since you have nothing, instead of mooching off of friends and family why don't you support your own child. I know, what a shocking concept.
Just because you don't think it's in poor taste it doesn't mean others that attend second showers aren't side eyeing the tackiness.
The problem is it's hard to say things like this to your friends or family in person... so someone may have told you it's fine, but I'd rather be safe than sorry and avoid people rolling their eyes when I'm not looking. It's not worth it just to get free shit, right??
Granted, I absolutely don't think that people in general are giving gifts to be recognized, especially at showers, and thank you notes are not usually expected for the sake of being praised but just to show gratitude (hence the name) But that did stick with me and of every gift I received in that season of my life, that is the one I remember in the most detail.
So now I always give the same request when I give a gift, although sometimes people still write a thank you (and I appreciate that!)
I just liked the thought behind the woman's sentiment and I think it takes one tiny bit of pressure off the person who receives! Having said that, I always write thank you notes. Just because I don't expect them doesn't mean I don't think I should have to send them!
Anyway, that's just my thought.