I said it would be shitty to push back now of this has always been something she knows he wanted for a future child. Not a deal breaker. But yeah, if she has always known that this would be his desire for naming a son, never said anything about her disagreement before marriage or baby, and only now started "vetoing" based on possible SSN/billing issues...that's pretty crappy communication on her part. Especially since she's always hated the name.
Now, if he never brought up that he felt so strongly and he wants to carry on the tradition until now, yep...I think normal compromise applies.
Family names do not make the child less individual. If the most important thing about your child is the uniqueness of their name...well, that's just silly. You can name a child Caesar and that doesn't make it the Emperor, you know?
I know people have asked, but i didnt see it if you answered. Is this name legacy something you discussed before TTC or marriage? If it's something you agreed to previously it's kinda crummy to try and back out. And you know what? Sometime, especially when it comes to your child, it's ok to be crummy and play dirty. If you still feel like you don't care how crummy it is, you would hate to have your child named X,Y,Or Z you need to have an honest conversation with your husband. Nobody else factors into the equation; the twin brother already named his son and has no vote on your child.
Basically, communicate. Be honest with your feelings, and understanding with his. He may have had a change of heart now that he is actually having a baby and really loves the idea of another Rafael.
I hope you can come to an understanding and a compromise, with as little stress as possible. Your child will be beautiful no matter what you name him or her!
Am I the only person who is flabbergasted by the concept that names can be a dealbreaker if discussed before marriage? Seriously why would you marry someone who'd be willing to walk away from you over a hypothetical name for a hypothetical child that may or may not ever be born? I can't even fathom this.
I was thinking the exact same thing!
Plus, I now have images of that scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding where she is introducing him to her family and everyone is named Nick.
OP, DH and I had a similar arguement when we named our son. We are two different races and since DS's last name would be from DH's culture since it is DH's last name, I wanted DS's middle name to come from my culture. DH wanted DS's middle name to honor his Dad. It turned into a HUGE fight and I eventually gave in partly because I did like how his Dad's name sounded as DS's middle name. We also agreed that I could choose the middle name for our next child.
That being said, I avoid using DS's middle name whenever possible. I cannot imagine not liking my son's first name - you need to rationally have this conversation with your husband. And if you do choose not to use Rafael as the first name, I would keep the chosen name a secret until the baby is born to avoid arguements with your IL until then.
My husband is a Third, his mother was hesitant about naming him after her husband and his father, but only after they agreed to call him Trey (Latin for three) Now he wants to name our son the fourth. I agreed at first, then started to question it once I got pregnant. After researching baby names and being totally against any popular baby name, I am actually really excited to name our baby Frank George IV (as much as I despise the name Frank) There is something to be said about tradition, along with how many people do you know that are the fourth?! We agreed to nickname the baby Geo since his dad goes by Frank. My great grandfather was actually named George and went by Geo. So we decided it works well for both our families since the baby will actually be named after both sides. I can totally see where you are coming from especially if you hate the name, b/c trust me, I have always hated the name Frank, but I'm excited that I can guarantee when my son goes to school he will definitely not have the same name as any other little boy. We even talked about just calling him Frank George, a little long, but no longer than John Paul or something but I'm worried it will eventually get shortened to just Frank. See if you guys can work out a nickname compromise, or you get the pick the middle name (he can't veto) and you can call him by his middle name.
That is something I don't have to worry about. My DH is a 4th. Get this.... His dad's first marriage they had a boy.... James the 3rd is born.. Gets divorced and remarried and my DH is born... Yup James the 4th. That is something we both agreed upon... We did not want a James the 5th!
My DH told me on like our first or second date (5 1/2 years ago) that he wanted to name his son after him (Joshua Michael) and he wanted to call him JJ. We found out Monday we're having a boy, so I guess JJ it is. I can't ask him to change this now after all these years, it's all he's talked about. I'm not a huge fan of it because I want our child to have his own identity, but I knew what I was getting into. I will probably call him Joshua though, not JJ. My husband goes by Josh.
I think it is super cute that he wants to name the baby after himself but I think if you don't give the baby it's own name you're not giving him is own little identity! Have you tried that with your husband?
Oh, so my child doesn't have his own identity now? DH and DS aren't their own person because they have FIL's name?
Or will you admit this is a stupid way to try to push someone to the other side? It's actually going to create more hard feelings, and I'm guessing her reneging on this is already causing a number.
I'm sorry you don't agree with what I had to say, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion and in no way was what I said insulting towards anyone or meant to be derogatory. Please take this into consideration before attacking someone for their own opinion, especially when it was not even directed toward you. Thank you.
Is the name something unusual? I have a friend who DH family names the first son Napolean... They call their son Ean. Or you could call your son by his middle name. My brother is the fourth of his name, but all have different middle name starting with A. I think my family would be hurt if my SIL vetoed the name because she didn't like it. I would definitely side eye her for a while. Marriage is about compromise. That being said, I have a very common name... There are over 300 of us according to FB, including 3 other girls with exact same first, middle, and last name... Never had a credit mix up, ever! What do you think people with the name smith or Johnson would do if this was the case.
Okay, I just have to say to OP that your DH's family's naming philosophy is downright creepy. I'm sorry, and Rafael is really not a bad name, but the fact that seemingly every male in that family has the exact same name and they're pressuring him all Stepford style to do the same with his child just sounds like a big bag of NOPE to me. Even if he brought it up before this, I probably would have thought he was joking. I mean, really, who does that? As others have said, this isn't just his child. You are not an unwitting incubator for his offspring. This is your child, you get equal say, and you can tell the BIL to suck it! Sometimes, you really do have to put your foot down and stand up for what you want. Your DH needs to learn to stand up to his family too. They don't get a say.
My ex husband was like that with our son. He was the 7th in his family with the same first name. Boring!! I'm very much into unique names. So I got him to compromise and we named our son something totally different but with the same first letter. Now I'm pregnant with baby #2 with my new husband who is a 3rd in his family. I assumed he'd want a son to be a fourth but he's all for the same initials instead. Something to discuss maybe? Best of luck!!
Credit scores are based on social security numbers, so I kind of doubt there will be issues.
Do or don't. Discuss it with your husband. I knew mine's stance before we were even married. It was a deal breaker for him. Fortunately I had no issues with a son of mine being a III.
You would think the glorious social security number would serve its purpose but my husband has actually received bills from his brother and father and it's always a headache to get it straightened out.
Oh, it can get way worse too. My grandfather/father/brother share the same name. My grandfather owns a company (using his name) and my father owns a company that uses his name. Tax time it is HORRENDOUS. When I was doing the books for them, I finally threw my hands up and put all five of the Jim Williams at seperate banks so the stubs wouldn't get processed incorrectly.
I hope all is well and you end up finding a good alternative.
I understand wanting to carry on the family name. But for me, I'd say enough after the brothers were named the same damned name. I've never heard of that!
What is your husband's middle name? What if you used the first name as a middle name and his middle name as a first name?
DH doesn't mind his first name, but hates his middle name. The middle name was one of my top 3 choices for DS's first name, but since he hated it so much, I crossed it off. I couldn't imagine naming my child something my partner despised and would have to call him by forever.
My dad was a III and my brother a IV. I am named after my mother and grandmother, as well as my aunt and cousin. I go by my middle name, and it causes me countless headaches, as it does for my brother and my mother, and my father too when he was alive. Some people may not mind the headaches, but it does create unnecessary hassles from time to time. In fact, I am planning on changing my name to drop my first and last (I have two middle names which I go by as my pen name). I've never liked my name, and I always felt that by naming me after herself, my mom spent absolutely no time thinking about me as an individual but me as an extension of herself. She has admitted as much to me recently when I was talking to her about baby names. I like using family names, and if you BOTH agree on a Jr. or III, then that's great for you. But it's okay for people to find it awkward and confusing, as I and my brother who are both named after our parents do.
Also, why does it matter if she did or didn't agree to the name before marriage? I know some women who have been dead set on a certain name since they were 12, and to me, that is really weird. Unless you're planning on being a single parent, it should reflect both parents, not just some idea you've clung to for 10 years. And would a parent really walk away from a child and a spouse just because of some stupid deal breaker like that?
Ultimately, I would suggest waiting until you find out the sex because maybe you can avoid it all together. Whenever people ask if we have names, I tell them we're waiting until closer to the birth to decide. I get enough opinions about what I should and shouldn't do right now that I hardly want another opinion about what I should or shouldn't name my kid.
My ex and his father had the same name. They not only got each others mail but his father opened up a credit card through the bank but they somehow started billing my ex.. My ex didn't even have the credit to open one at the time! That kind of stuff happened all the time with them! I wouldn't do it.
When we had our son. He said he wanted our son to have his OWN name and didn't want any type of confusion for him like he had.
@whocanitbenow do you enjoy going out of your way to make people feel shitty about their opinions and the way they feel? Why don't you back off. Find a new hobby.
Also, why does it matter if she did or didn't agree to the name before marriage?
Because it makes the person reneging on an the agreement an asshole. That would be a massive breach of trust in our relationship. Lying shouldn't be tolerated. If she said she had no problems with it to get him to shut up about it and entered into the marriage under false pretenses, that's pretty shitty of her. What else did she lie to him about? What else was lip service and she really didn't mean it?
Obviously I hold people to their word. If you liker liars telling you what you want to hear and having drama later when you learn they didn't mean it, whatever. Enjoy your life. I'm going to be over here with people that don't lie to each other.
It just seems like something very arbitrary to walk away from an otherwise good relationship. (I mean, demanding you name your first son after yourself; not the lying). But circumstances change, and sometimes you need to reevaluate how you feel. What you said when you were 22 and just falling in love might look a little different when you're 30 and having an actual kid with the actual name that you don't really like that much. If it's a good marriage with good communication, they should at least be able to talk about a compromise.
ETA: It would be a greater lie, to me at least, for my spouse to tell me he had no issues with the name I picked out for our child when he actually felt very strongly against it.
I don't like my husband's name either but I agree on naming our son (if we have a boy) after him and his Dad. Our son will be the III. We compromised on a nick name that every one will call him.
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So... All of the first born GIRLS in my family have the same name. My father put a stop to it when I came along. They compromised by naming me after two great aunts. When it came to naming my son... My husband and his father have the same first name, diff middle names. So we decided together to give our son his first name, and MY father's middle name. We will not call him by his middle name. If I wanted to call him that, I would have named him that. It was kind of a no brainer, and an honor to name him after his wonderful father. I feel great that I could bear him a son, and make him a namesake.
There's a difference between lying and changing one's mind. Just because you're okay with something at one point doesn't mean you're not entitled to change your mind years later and it doesn't mean you were lying at the time you originally gave your initial thoughts.
I can't imagine marrying someone who wouldn't let me change my mind.
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So... All of the first born GIRLS in my family have the same name. My father put a stop to it when I came along. They compromised by naming me after two great aunts. When it came to naming my son... My husband and his father have the same first name, diff middle names. So we decided together to give our son his first name, and MY father's middle name. We will not call him by his middle name. If I wanted to call him that, I would have named him that. It was kind of a no brainer, and an honor to name him after his wonderful father. I feel great that I could bear him a son, and make him a namesake.
Wouldn't want to go the way of Anne Boleyn.
PG#1 - 3rd cycle BFP. Team Green. HELLP syndrome @ 34 weeks. Later diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, possible link to HELLP.
PG#2 M/C 3/14 - Surprise BFP 2/13. Beta's doubled every 52 hours from 3w5d-5w5d Viable pregnancy scan at 5w5d; 2nd u/s showed 2 days of growth in 7 but a HB of 120 3rd u/s on 3/10/14 had no HB and baby had only grown 7 days over 14 D&C 3/17/14 - complications - DX Retroflexed uterus, multiple tears to cervix
My FIL's stuff shows up on my husband's credit report. They share a first name and it has been really hard to correct.
To the OP. I would want him to have his own identity. So strange that he has the same name as his brother!
My grandfather, uncle and cousin all have the same name and there are more problems than you'd think with this one.
OP - DH brought up a junior once. I said absolutely not. Veto, veto, veto. I told him I'd refuse to sign the birth certificate. You BOTH get to have a say in LO's name - end of story.
There's a difference between lying and changing one's mind. Just because you're okay with something at one point doesn't mean you're not entitled to change your mind years later and it doesn't mean you were lying at the time you originally gave your initial thoughts.
I can't imagine marrying someone who wouldn't let me change my mind.
Re: Husband wants to name son after him.
Now, if he never brought up that he felt so strongly and he wants to carry on the tradition until now, yep...I think normal compromise applies.
I know people have asked, but i didnt see it if you answered. Is this name legacy something you discussed before TTC or marriage? If it's something you agreed to previously it's kinda crummy to try and back out. And you know what? Sometime, especially when it comes to your child, it's ok to be crummy and play dirty. If you still feel like you don't care how crummy it is, you would hate to have your child named X,Y,Or Z you need to have an honest conversation with your husband. Nobody else factors into the equation; the twin brother already named his son and has no vote on your child.
Basically, communicate. Be honest with your feelings, and understanding with his. He may have had a change of heart now that he is actually having a baby and really loves the idea of another Rafael.
I hope you can come to an understanding and a compromise, with as little stress as possible. Your child will be beautiful no matter what you name him or her!
I was thinking the exact same thing!
Plus, I now have images of that scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding where she is introducing him to her family and everyone is named Nick.
OP, DH and I had a similar arguement when we named our son. We are two different races and since DS's last name would be from DH's culture since it is DH's last name, I wanted DS's middle name to come from my culture. DH wanted DS's middle name to honor his Dad. It turned into a HUGE fight and I eventually gave in partly because I did like how his Dad's name sounded as DS's middle name. We also agreed that I could choose the middle name for our next child.
That being said, I avoid using DS's middle name whenever possible. I cannot imagine not liking my son's first name - you need to rationally have this conversation with your husband. And if you do choose not to use Rafael as the first name, I would keep the chosen name a secret until the baby is born to avoid arguements with your IL until then.
I want to objectively participate in this discussion, but I cannot wrap my head around this enough to move on.
n Chart</a>"http://www.fertilityfriend.com" style="font-size:smaller;" >Ovulation Charww.fertilityfriend.com" style="font-size:smaller;" >Ovulation Chart</a>
BFP 12-31-13
EDD 09-01-14
I may be sensitive, but I would be hurt if my husband told me he did not like my name....
Oh, it can get way worse too. My grandfather/father/brother share the same name. My grandfather owns a company (using his name) and my father owns a company that uses his name. Tax time it is HORRENDOUS. When I was doing the books for them, I finally threw my hands up and put all five of the Jim Williams at seperate banks so the stubs wouldn't get processed incorrectly.
I hope all is well and you end up finding a good alternative.
When we had our son. He said he wanted our son to have his OWN name and didn't want any type of confusion for him like he had.
Unless the name is vagina or something totally ridiculous it is not a huge deal. Seriously
Also if it's such a huge deal just remember if you have more kids he might not like the name you want
I can't imagine marrying someone who wouldn't let me change my mind.
PG#1 - 3rd cycle BFP. Team Green. HELLP syndrome @ 34 weeks.
Later diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, possible link to HELLP.
PG#2 M/C 3/14 - Surprise BFP 2/13. Beta's doubled every 52 hours from 3w5d-5w5d
Viable pregnancy scan at 5w5d; 2nd u/s showed 2 days of growth in 7 but a HB of 120
3rd u/s on 3/10/14 had no HB and baby had only grown 7 days over 14
D&C 3/17/14 - complications - DX Retroflexed uterus, multiple tears to cervix
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