September 2012 Moms

Will you/do you spank your kids?

13

Re: Will you/do you spank your kids?

  • MrsEll said:
    For those of you who do spank/tap/whatever as discipline: Are you angry or frustrated when you do it? Or is it a calm, collected spanking?

    ETA this is a real question. I am genuinely curious.
    I have not spanked my child yet because he's 1 year old. I'm speaking hypothetically when he gets older.

     

     

  • Holly_1007Holly_1007 member
    edited November 2013
    MrsEll said:
    For those of you who do spank/tap/whatever as discipline: Are you angry or frustrated when you do it? Or is it a calm, collected spanking?

    ETA this is a real question. I am genuinely curious.
    The few times I have done it I have been frustrated.  Frustrated with him for doing the behavior multiple times despite my attempts to teach/ redirect, frustrated with myself for not being able to come up with any other way to teach him that the behavior was bad/ dangerous.
    Although, I think its been determined that I don't actually spank my kid, just tap him. I'm not really sure anymore? Everyone has such different definitions. I consider what I am doing spanking, although it is nothing compared to what some of the other moms on here had done to them. I feel awful that they had to go through that.

    ETA wow that came out wrong. I don't spank him because I'm frustrated with myself. Afterwards I am frustrated with myself for spanking him. At the moment I am frustrated with him.
                           
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  • Pokedot said:

    I'm sensing a theme that many of us in the general sense who were spanked but more like abused (I use that in a broad sense) are not going to spank our children. Those that don't necessarily have bad memories of being spanked might use the method if the circumstances see if. Can we agree to disagree?

    For the record, I never want to harm my child in anyway so to tell me that spanking my child is like "beating into submission" I find that correlation extremely off.

    I don't fit into that category. Neither DH or myself have any negative memories of being spanked, but we both were spanked on occasion. We are not spanking our kids and have told our parents they are not to spank our kids for discipline.

    James Sawyer 12.3.10
    Leo Richard 9.20.12 
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  • I just so shocked at how many people here were physically abused as children.  How sad.

    I was spanked on a few occasions as a child.  We likely won't do it, but never say never.
    While my experience might be considered "abuse" by today's standards, it wasn't considered as such then. I don't hold it against my mom. She did what was okay at the time. That doesn't mean it was acceptable, per say, but it wasn't frowned upon to give your kid a good wallop with a spoon or belt. It's a bad memory for me, but I know my mom and dad love me and my mom would never ever hit my daughter. She knows better and therefore she does better.
    Me: 27 DH: 28
    Diagnosis: PCOS, irregular cycles, old lady eggs. DH is fine.
    Started TTC in January 2010. BFP December 25, 2011 between IF appts. 
    DD born August 31, 2012
    Began TTC again in Jan. 2013. 
    Four rounds of Clomid - BFN
    Fifth round of Clomid September/Oct - cancelled
    HSG scheduled for Oct. 30 - Tubes all clear
    December: Round one of Femara  - BFN
    Round two - ? 

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  • @Hyaline

    It sounds like we were raised in a similar manner, and I have no serious negative recollections of the few spankings that I received as a child.  I had a "healthy fear/respect" for my parents and I can honestly say that I admire the way that my parents raised my 5 siblings and myself. 

    It breaks my heart to read other people's horrible experiences, and I cannot even imagine the pain/anguish that would result from those.  I want to send e-hugs to all of you.

    But earlier you said you were curious about those that did spank their child and later regretted it...I have spanked my DD before when I felt the situation called for it, and her response was to laugh in my face.  This only made me more angry, and I knew that it was not only ineffective, but making the situation worse. And I really felt lousy afterward, that I failed her.  So I've eliminated spankings for our household. 


     

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  • hmp1 said:
    Pokedot said:

    I'm sensing a theme that many of us in the general sense who were spanked but more like abused (I use that in a broad sense) are not going to spank our children. Those that don't necessarily have bad memories of being spanked might use the method if the circumstances see if. Can we agree to disagree?

    For the record, I never want to harm my child in anyway so to tell me that spanking my child is like "beating into submission" I find that correlation extremely off.

    I don't fit into that category. Neither DH or myself have any negative memories of being spanked, but we both were spanked on occasion. We are not spanking our kids and have told our parents they are not to spank our kids for discipline.

    That's why I made a generalization about the topic. I just thought it was interesting to find that general observation.

     

     

  • MrsEll said:
    I'd be very interested to hear from the calm, collected spankers. I have definitely felt the urge to spank my kid when he is naughty or rude, but I just stop myself from going there. I can't imagine cooling off and THEN deciding to hit him. To me, hitting is an impulsive reaction that I have had to learn how resist. I can't wrap my head around hitting as an actual decision.
    I have a one year old, so I can't really speak from experience on this.  But: In my ideal parenting world, I would never spank because the other disciplinary methods I went through would stop the issue. However, if I ever did decide to spank, it would be because the warning, the time out, the loss of a/some privilege/s, and the final "if you do that again, you're getting a spanking" failed.  Sure, I might be upset at that moment--but I wouldn't be spanking out of anger but because I had created it as the next step in a hierarchy of discipline, if that makes sense.  I'd be no more and no less calm than doling out a time out.

    I'm not in the "spank in a dangerous situation" camp, FWIW. Like darting out into the street--that would get a stern talking to but wouldn't get an auto-spank.  Like I said early on here, spanking if used at all would be for continued deliberate disobedience.
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  • Pokedot said:
    hmp1 said:
    Pokedot said:

    I'm sensing a theme that many of us in the general sense who were spanked but more like abused (I use that in a broad sense) are not going to spank our children. Those that don't necessarily have bad memories of being spanked might use the method if the circumstances see if. Can we agree to disagree?

    For the record, I never want to harm my child in anyway so to tell me that spanking my child is like "beating into submission" I find that correlation extremely off.

    I don't fit into that category. Neither DH or myself have any negative memories of being spanked, but we both were spanked on occasion. We are not spanking our kids and have told our parents they are not to spank our kids for discipline.

    That's why I made a generalization about the topic. I just thought it was interesting to find that general observation.
    Since I have spoken my mind about not spanking my kids in this thread, I felt the need to follow up after reading your post that I was not spanked with abusive force. I wouldn't want people to think that is why we are not spanking because it isn't even a factor. 

    James Sawyer 12.3.10
    Leo Richard 9.20.12 
    image

  • Keagan just walked up to me out of the blue and gave me a hug and told me I'm his best friend and he loves me sooooooo much (his words). Clearly I'm failing as a parent.
                           
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  • Keagan just walked up to me out of the blue and gave me a hug and told me I'm his best friend and he loves me sooooooo much (his words). Clearly I'm failing as a parent.
    I don't think anyone said you're failing as a parent.  Just that you can't know for sure that he's not fearful of being spanked or of you when you're going to spank him. 
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  • CheenomaeCheenomae member
    edited November 2013
    Ok but you pro spankers have to realize that I never EVER considered what happened to me abuse. It wasn't until well into adulthood and conversations on TB and with friends that I realized what was done to me in the name "the fear of God" and "I do this because I love you" and "You need to learn that your actions have consequences" wasn't normal. You call it abuse, I call it discipline/spanking. So to hear someone say they plan to spank their child, yeah, I do take issue with it because of my experiences.
    ETA: TMI...

    ETA II: Not what LL wrote, but what I wrote.
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  • Keagan just walked up to me out of the blue and gave me a hug and told me I'm his best friend and he loves me sooooooo much (his words). Clearly I'm failing as a parent.

    I tell my parents I love them. I give them hugs. Doesn't negate the shitty memories..
    What your parents did and what I do can't even be compared.
                           
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  • MrsEll said:

    Keagan just walked up to me out of the blue and gave me a hug and told me I'm his best friend and he loves me sooooooo much (his words). Clearly I'm failing as a parent.
    It's called the Stockholm Syndrome.
    Are you fucking kidding me? That is sick.
                           
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  • MrsEll said:

    Keagan just walked up to me out of the blue and gave me a hug and told me I'm his best friend and he loves me sooooooo much (his words). Clearly I'm failing as a parent.
    It's called the Stockholm Syndrome.

    LOL, this is what I get for stepping away mid-reply. Jinx.

    STUCK IN QUOTE BOX

    I didn't think it could get worse than the whole "beat into submission" but I think that's crossing the line big time. Not necesary at.all.

     

     

  • MrsEll said:

    Keagan just walked up to me out of the blue and gave me a hug and told me I'm his best friend and he loves me sooooooo much (his words). Clearly I'm failing as a parent.
    It's called the Stockholm Syndrome.
    Are you effing kidding me with this response? Stockholm Syndrome? Are you legti accusing Holly of that? 
    Me: 27 DH: 28
    Diagnosis: PCOS, irregular cycles, old lady eggs. DH is fine.
    Started TTC in January 2010. BFP December 25, 2011 between IF appts. 
    DD born August 31, 2012
    Began TTC again in Jan. 2013. 
    Four rounds of Clomid - BFN
    Fifth round of Clomid September/Oct - cancelled
    HSG scheduled for Oct. 30 - Tubes all clear
    December: Round one of Femara  - BFN
    Round two - ? 

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  • Serious question: if my husband thinks I am getting out of line or misbehaving and he spanks me to teach me a lesson, is that appropriate? 
    Your relationship with your husband is completely different than the relationship you have with your child.

    I see what you're getting at, but the fact of the matter is, there are people who chose to spank and were spanked as a child and have healthy associations with it. Not all instances of spanking are physically or mentally harmful. Is it hard to know which instances are emotionally scarring or hurtful? Maybe. But, that's up to each parent to decide for their own child.
                                                                            
                                                          
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                                       Katherine Quinn | 9.16.2012 | 38w4d

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    Ryan Lanman | 9.12.2014 | 40w

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  • Serious question: if my husband thinks I am getting out of line or misbehaving and he spanks me to teach me a lesson, is that appropriate? 

    It is in Outlander


  • This is just getting ridiculous now. 
    Me: 27 DH: 28
    Diagnosis: PCOS, irregular cycles, old lady eggs. DH is fine.
    Started TTC in January 2010. BFP December 25, 2011 between IF appts. 
    DD born August 31, 2012
    Began TTC again in Jan. 2013. 
    Four rounds of Clomid - BFN
    Fifth round of Clomid September/Oct - cancelled
    HSG scheduled for Oct. 30 - Tubes all clear
    December: Round one of Femara  - BFN
    Round two - ? 

    image


    image image image
  • mrsbhk22 said:
    Serious question: if my husband thinks I am getting out of line or misbehaving and he spanks me to teach me a lesson, is that appropriate? 
    If my husband is getting out of line, I don't put him in time out or send him to his room. I do both to my kids. I see what you're trying to get at, but it's not really a good analogy.
    This is actually an excellent idea.
  • mrsbhk22 said:
    Serious question: if my husband thinks I am getting out of line or misbehaving and he spanks me to teach me a lesson, is that appropriate? 
    If my husband is getting out of line, I don't put him in time out or send him to his room. I do both to my kids. I see what you're trying to get at, but it's not really a good analogy.
    This is actually an excellent idea.
    I'd rather take time out myself.  Sitting in my room all alone sounds heavenly.
    If I send him to our room then I get to control the TV.  O:-)
  • mrsbhk22 said:
    Serious question: if my husband thinks I am getting out of line or misbehaving and he spanks me to teach me a lesson, is that appropriate? 
    If my husband is getting out of line, I don't put him in time out or send him to his room. I do both to my kids. I see what you're trying to get at, but it's not really a good analogy.
    This is actually an excellent idea.
    I'd rather take time out myself.  Sitting in my room all alone sounds heavenly.
    If I send him to our room then I get to control the TV.  O:-)
    I was going to say silent treatment, but that would be like a dream come true for him...
                                                                            
                                                          
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                                       Katherine Quinn | 9.16.2012 | 38w4d

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    Ryan Lanman | 9.12.2014 | 40w

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    2 Losses | 10/2010 @ 5w | 9/2013 @ 10w4d
    Little Sprout Blog

  • The term "auto-spank" is the best thing to come out of this thread.

    @Hyaline

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  • Seriously tho, I wish you guys wouldn't spank your kids. The AAP even agrees that it's not effective, does more harm than good and other non-physical forms of discipline are better. When the AAP tells us to keep our kids rear-facing, we listen. So I wish we would all ban together and trust their instincts on this as well.



    I'll trust my own instincts, you can trust yours and the AAP. I don't tell anyone how to parent and neither should you.

     

     

  • Pokedot said:
    Seriously tho, I wish you guys wouldn't spank your kids. The AAP even agrees that it's not effective, does more harm than good and other non-physical forms of discipline are better. When the AAP tells us to keep our kids rear-facing, we listen. So I wish we would all ban together and trust their instincts on this as well.



    I'll trust my own instincts, you can trust yours and the AAP. I don't tell anyone how to parent and neither should you.
    I didn't tell anyone how to parent. I said I wished you wouldn't. But clearly you think it's your god-given right to hit your kid. Keep fighting the power, sister. 
    I shall...

     

     

  • edited November 2013
    I think there is a major difference between spanking a child and beating a child. My parents spanked me and a few times I thought I was being beaten. Looking back now, I remember what I did to deserve the punishment and I don't question my parents judgement one bit.

    When I was 5 I climbed a ladder my grandfather left leaning up against the car port. We had a puppy that was crazy feisty and I hated the dog. I told my dad I didn't want it anymore. I decided to climb the ladder with the dog and throw it off the carport roof. Lord only knows why I did it. I specificlly remember struggling with the dog and tossing it off the roof. He yelped a few times and my dad heard it. He opened the screen door and I knew he was mad. He calmly climbed the ladder, picked me up and climbed down. He tore my tail up and I deserved it. The puppy was fine and he found it a new home a few days later. I still feel guilty for what I did.

    My mother and grandmother had an in home daycare and we lived on a farm. While we were all outside one day I decided to open the cattle gates to set the cows free. They literally stampeded the entire area the kids were in. It's a miracle no one was hurt. My pawpaw and dad had to leave work and come home to round them up. They got off our property and into a nearby park and on a highway. My dad beat my butt with a belt and rightly so. Many people could have been injured or even killed.

    These are instances that warrant getting your butt torn up. It didn't kill me or damage me for life. If anything it taught me to think things through thoroughly before making a really stupid decision.

    Spanking DS is not something I plan on doing for a long, long time. I will never beat him, use a belt or switch or anything like that. I would however pop his bottom if he is doing something dangerous. This would be a secondary form of discipline if for some reason time out doesn't work. I see absolutely nothing wrong with it either.
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  • @hmp1 as a 5 year old I don't remember it even crossing my mind to kill it or that what I did could kill it. I had never experienced death at that point so I couldn't have known. I remember the dog picking on my other dog and I remember thinking that he was hurting him. He was just teething and playing rough in reality but as a child I couldn't distinguish the two.
    I just remember the thought crossing my mind so I did it.
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  • @portermanswifey It doesn't sound like that prevented you from misbehaving again though. Kids make mistakes. I think there were probably more effective ways to teach you what you did was wrong.
    @tinyhumantoe I LOVE The Good Wife. It's been so good lately!
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  • Seriously tho, I wish you guys wouldn't spank your kids. The AAP even agrees that it's not effective, does more harm than good and other non-physical forms of discipline are better. When the AAP tells us to keep our kids rear-facing, we listen. So I wish we would all ban together and trust their instincts on this as well.



    Had you led with this, I think we would have had a much more productive conversation.
  • So if the AAP changes their mind in a few years and says spanning is effective, will all the non spankers start spanking? Not that they will, because they never change their stance on anything. Ever.
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