Thank you everyone for your kind words yesterday. After the airport I went to Crossfit and then slept the remainder of the day. It felt nice
The kids made it out there ok and they called me when they landed. They both said the flight was fine and that they found DC easily. As I'm talking to DD I hear, "L stop it!". L is DC's son who is 5, and everytime DD is out there he's awful to her. Yes, I will use the term brat here because it genuinely applies. DC and SM don't discipline him and DD comes home from every visit with bite marks and bruises from him. When I've asked DC about it he just tells me to mind my own business and says DD is exaggerating. Thankfully the kids are only out there once a year, I can't imagine how bad it would be if they saw DC EOWE.
Last night DD called and was crying. She said L punched her in the face and bit her arm because she wouldn't play a game with him. I told her she needs to talk to DC about this because there's nothing I can do. She tells me, "I told him but he just yelled at me for not playing with L". While we're on the phone I get a picture message from DS of the bite marks and the bruising/swelling of DD's eye, and then a text from him asking if he can call the police. I honestly have no idea what I should have told him, but I just told him to watch out for DD and protect her if needed.
It breaks my heart when I get these calls from her. There is absolutely nothing I can do. If DC lived within driving distance I would go pick up the kids in a heartbeat and risk contempt charges. I'm glad DS is concerned and wants to protect DD, but I'm not sure calling the police or CPS would do anything here.
Can it please be August 8th now?
Re: Sheesh it hasn't even been 24 hours
The only concern I have is, what if it gets worse after cops are called and your kids have to stay there.
I guess I'm confused how that works. L is only 5, wouldn't CPS chalk it up to sibling fighting? Yes DC should be doing more to stop it, but what will CPS really do? Especially when the kids are in another State?
I just hate that I can't do anything from here. And I hate that DC doesn't discipline his child.
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God bless your boy for wanting to protect his sister. I don't know whether it's wonderful that he feels that way or terrible that he has to.
I do think you could call CPS. Your child is getting punched a bitten, and clearly the other adults in the house are not going to protect her. CPS might not do anything, but that's ultimately their call. If you do call, is there anything they can do to make sure the d-bag doesn't take your kids' phones away?
I don't know that CPS can or will do anything but at least it would be documented.
I still say if it happens again, your son should call the cops and maybe let them decide how to document or file with CPS and again, it's documentation since DC is on a "trial" from last years mess.
Ugh, I'm so sorry for you. I couldn't deal with it.
Seriously, my son is pretty mean to his sister. But only he is allowed to be mean to her apparently....
The kids each have a phone with them and then DS has his old phone hiding in his backpack. Plus the Judge told DC at the hearing that the phones are not to be taken away from the kids except at bedtime. Violation of that will result in supervised visits in CA.
And as bad as this sounds, DS is bigger and taller than DC now. DS has made it very clear that he is not scared of DC and won't let what happened last year happen to him again. His words: "I refuse to let him make me feel helpless and scared". And DS is incredibly angry about being out there. I am actually worried about DC provoking DS and DS hitting him. I'm telling you, that 14 year old has 8 years of anger and hate pent up.
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I totally disagree with Banana. If the noticeable (to a photograph taken by a pre-teen) bite mark had occurred by another adult, it is an abuse charge, CORRECT?
So JOB - here is what you are going to do.
1) Call your lawyer and ask him/her what your recourse is, given that you already have physical documentation that it is not safe for the children.
2) Have your son take more pictures of the first bite/facial bruise - now that the bruising has set in.
3) as soon as the next incident happens (and unfortunately it will), have your son take pictures again and send them.
4) Call the non-emergency phone number of DC's local police department and ask for a welfare check up. Explain that your older son has now sent pictures of a second incident where your DD has bite marks and bruises. WHile your son is saying that it was done by the 5 yo younger stepbrother, you are concerned that they might actually be left alone because how can a child do that much damage unless there was no supervision.
Sure you are stretching teh truth. But your daughter should not have bruises because her biodouchefather cannot be bothered to supervise properly.
If they do not follow through, then call Social Services and say the same thing. Again, stress that you are concerned with the amount or lack of supervision (do not actually say you think they were left alone because that goes into lying) because there is now way a 5 yo should be biting a 10 yo like that...more than once...unless something is wrong there.
At the very best your Ex will be on notice to watch/control his brat for the rest of the visit. At the least, he will try to take the phones away...which is totally a violation of the court order.
And the minute you cannot contact your kids, you call the cops again saying that you called them earlier regarding suspected negligence and now you cannot get in contact with them...and you are worried.
All that will do is bolster your case.
This all makes total sense. I already spoke with my attorney and I could practically hear him roll his eyes as he said, "And this is why we wanted supervised visitation". I emailed him the pictures DS sent me, and I'm waiting to hear from DS and DD today. I text them both this morning and said, "Good morning, I hope you guys are having fun out there. Are you feeling better after you've had some sleep?" and haven't heard back yet. I tried to keep the text as neutral as possible so that it can't be construed as me leading them or anything. Now all I can do is wait.
I really hope this is a one time occurrence while they're visiting. I really hope that DC doesn't let L continue this behavior. I really hope that L is just overly excited that DD and DS are there and that's why he's such a brat. I also really hope I don't have to use the emergency money we have set aside for me to fly out there and reign hell on DC if he tries to hide the kids again. Thankfully the CO spells out that the phones are not to be taken away, so the police out there can actually do something this time around.
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Right?! Ugh.
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Legally speaking, unless an adult bit me in front of a police officer then no - it is not assault. Abuse (unless child or spousal is not a crimes code).
Just because you can see a bite mark or a bruise does not equate abuse or assault. I have bruises all over my legs right now because I was recently out sailing - I could take a picture and say I was abused - this is why a police officer needs to witness an altercation for an assault charge.
Also, most police departments do not have non-emergency numbers. All calls are sent through a 911 answering point, which is normally undermanned and handling an entire county.
There is absolutely no crimes code for a 5 year old biting his older sister. It is abuse of a system to call the police for something like this.
If the DC won't parent than the children need to be taught how to handle it - and honestly, Wendi's idea is great - bite him back (just don't break skin - he is only 5 and it is not his fault who his parents are).
I'm not sure I understand the definitions of assault being used here. Assault, by legal definition, is threat of harm. Compared to battery, which is actual harm.
The definitions of assault and battery are not limited to adults--a child can assault or batter another child. A child can assault or batter an adult.
I would agree that this is not a police/emergency matter. But I think a call to CPS and/or the police non-emergency number is warranted. Maybe they will say that there's nothing they can do. But if nothing else, there will be documentation that this happened and she tried to intervene.
Never said I was going to call the police, I said CPS - Child Protective Services. I'm sorry if that keeps getting lost in translation, I never meant to say that I would call 911 on a 5 year old. I do think that CPS should be involved if there is a continued harm to a child, regardless of the age of the child. Children are removed from homes for abusing their siblings, and if a child is being hurt and the adults in the home aren't stopping it, why should the child be made to suffer? I saw the picture of the teeth marks in DD's arm. The brat drew blood. That to me warrants concern about DD's well being and safety there, especially when DC yelled at her for not doing the 5 year old's bidding.
I'm sorry, but I will never tell my child that it is not ok for someone to bite her, but ok for her to bite someone back. I don't believe that violence stops violence. How does that even make sense?
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Im sorry you have to go through this. I hope Aug 8th comes quick! In the mean time try to take your mind off it...see a movie or sonething.
Jo, I'm reading some articles claiming that sibling violence falls under the domestic violence umbrella. This article (https://www.tbi.tn.gov/tn_crime_stats/publications/2005 DomesticViolResBrief.pdf) which is specific to TN says clearly that "sibling" is a relationship that applies.
I'm not suggesting that a 5-yo be crucified for this. But if you can get someone out to the house, maybe DC can intercede to at least keep them separated.
This is perfect. Thank you Felles!
I really hope I'm not coming across as wanting this kid crucified or detained for being a brat. This is clearly a parenting, or lack thereof, issue. But I don't want my DD to be scared when she's out there visiting. And DC needs to either step up and discipline his child or he needs to step in and keep DD safe from L. Maybe with all the Court stuff going on, a visit from CPS will make DC wake up a realize that his son's behavior is not acceptable and that something needs to be done.
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THIS, THIS, THIS!! Since DC won't step up your DD needs to learn to protect her space. Of course, we all want our kids to handle things without violence. However, if someone violates the personal space of my kids I tell them to defend themselves.
DS14 complained the other day to me that DS16 whopped him upside the head. He didn't realize I heard DS16 ask him nicely several times to "stop and leave him alone" (DS14 was hitting him in the arm). I told DS14 that I guess next time if he didn't want to get whopped in the head he will listen to one of the 3 times DS16 asked him nicely.
The kid is only 5yrs so that makes it a tough call but honestly, if I were your DD I'd pinch him back or something til he realized I'm not going to put up with getting bit and hit. If DC won't parent, that doesn't mean your DD has to put up with physical abuse - even if it is from a 5 year old.
Because you can be the nice, rational, non-violent person all day long and bullies will still hit and bite you. 5 year old bullies turn into 10 year old bullies. They will still assault you and do whatever they want (they were raised by DC's like your ex) because you let them.
Violence is the last resort, of course, but sometimes it is necessary to fight back. CPS and the Police are not going to do a thing over a 5 year old biting a 10 year old - although I do think documenting is good. The only way your DD can stop getting hurt in THIS moment is to defend herself. Just my two cents.
Hey Ria!!!
Ditto this. Call the cops for a welfare check and call CPS for the same. They probably won't do much but maybe it will send a message.
I guess this is just a difference in parenting styles. I don't believe that biting a child back after being bitten teaches them anything, other than biting someone when they upset/hurt you is ok. I'm sorry, I just don't. DD is older than L and knows better. I would be quite upset with her if I found out she acted physically towards L, other than removing him from her person. I don't believe that violence solves anything. Ever. I don't feel that removing yourself from a situation is "letting" someone bully you. It's simply being the smarter, bigger person and not stooping to their level.
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Then a judge would look at it and say little siblings sometimes bite their older siblings and may admonish you.
I would tell DD she did the right thing by telling BD and tell her next time she has a right to tell the younger sibling "that hurt, I will not play with you if you hurt me" and to walk away like Gin said to the bathroom or to her room.
Worst case scenario, he takes the kids phones away because he is pissed they told you and sent you pics. However much that would suck at least you know he will be losing visitations after that. Best case scenario, he watches his kid and DD is safe.
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