XP from C-sections: Older Child?

zonastar23 · July 2013

My DD will be three and a half when this baby arrives. We are having a RCS for high risk complications. I have no idea how to handle the childcare situation for DD.

I will need someone to take her during the surgery and recovery period, and I would seriously prefer for MIL to take her during the procedure and while I'm in recovery and bring her to visit when I get to the Maternal/Child unit. And then, I would prefer for my mother to take her and keep her at home (as we will likely be living with them when I have this baby). I also want my DD to meet her baby brother or sister before the grandparents and other family and friends. I feel VERY strongly about this because I feel like SHE needs to understand that she is a very important part of our family. I need my husband to stay overnights with me because I know from my DD's delivery via emergency C-section the recovery for me is horrible. I will need extra help as I couldn't even walk on my own for a few days, couldn't get on/off the toilet by myself, and was so drugged up that I had fallen asleep with her on my chest and he had to move her back to the bassinet. I can't put DD with a sitter because she's never been with one in her life. She has major stranger anxiety (gets it from me, honestly) and with everything else that's going on I can't do that to her. She needs to be with family because I do not want her to feel like we are replacing her with the new baby.

Here's the problem:

1) MIL will likely pitch a fit if we ask her to keep DD until we are out of recovery and in MCU. She's going to want to be there and I don't want DD sitting in a waiting room for several hours. She's seen enough of hospitals as DH has been hospitalized several times this last year, and she's not a big fan of waiting around. She ran through the halls last time and MIL and SIL flipped that they had to chase her because I'm not allowed to lift her. Once she bolted from the room and no one would help me catch her so I ended up having to do it and carry her back to the room and had a spotting episode later that day (I have complete previa).

2) My mother has made it clear that, in her opinion, my husband needs to stay home with DD and leave me and the baby alone at the hospital. She wouldn't babysit while DH was hospitalized last time even though we were dealing with an emergency. She doesn't particularly seem to give a crap that I am going to need him there because I am physically a mess. (For the record, I know many women have no problem walking around several hours post-op on their own. I am a 344 lb woman, very much morbidly obese. I am physically way out of shape as is, and with the restrictions I am dealing with from pregnancy complications it's bound to get worse by delivery. I know what I am capable of.)

3) No one respected my wishes about who could visit, when, after DD arrived. I told people I wanted NO visitors in recovery, and people threw b!tchfits and came back anyway. They got irritated that I didn't always want visitors in MCU, and they honestly felt like they were entitled to see me, whether I felt up to it or not. And they all followed DH to the nursery to see the baby while she was being checked out, even though I asked for everyone to wait. I REALLY want my DD to meet/see her new sibling before the rest, and I have a bad feeling that they are all going to blow off what I want and do what they want to do anyway.

Any suggestions? I am seriously starting to freak out about this because I don't know how to handle this situation, and I am worried because I have a higher risk for PTL and having a preemie. I feel like I need to figure everything out all at once, and no one is going to be supportive (except DH who is completely with me on all of this.) I'm panicking at this point that I'm going to have no one to watch my little girl while I'm recovering from major surgery and stress is BAD for me right now. Am I overreacting? WWYD?

ETA: Sorry guys, I'm totally having a freak the fluck out kind of night. I feel entirely unprepared for anything, and on top of that feel like I'm letting my DD down and guilty that she's losing her only child status. I know I sound like an idiot tonight.

notkateanymore · July 2013

OK, I say this in the nicest way, but something is going to have to give. You can't force people to do what you want them to do. Your mother is right, your DH should stay at home with your DD. That way she isn't thrown into a tailspin with both of you gone and the new baby. You have nurses at the hospital, they will help you. Also, your RCS is probably not going to be the same as your emergency c/s. Honestly, it sounds like you need to look into hiring somebody to watch your child and then bring her up to the hospital to meet the baby and DH can take it from there. Your mother and MIL don't seem to be into your plan at all.

Skylight21 · July 2013

I understand the freak out nights I have had a few myself.

As for someone watching your DD could another family member watch her like an aunt or a close friend? If not I would just try and talk to your mom or MIL calmly and explain what is going through your mind.

As for people coming to see you in recovery you can tell the nurses or the doctor that you don't want visitors except for certain people. If they don't listen to the request then through your own b!tchfit and get it dealt with.

I don't have much advice other than just breathe when you are having a freak out, you have a few months to figure it out as well.

jmb527 · July 2013

KateMW:
OK, I say this in the nicest way, but something is going to have to give. You can't force people to do what you want them to do. Your mother is right, your DH should stay at home with your DD. That way she isn't thrown into a tailspin with both of you gone and the new baby. You have nurses at the hospital, they will help you. Also, your RCS is probably not going to be the same as your emergency c/s. Honestly, it sounds like you need to look into hiring somebody to watch your child and then bring her up to the hospital to meet the baby and DH can take it from there. Your mother and MIL don't seem to be into your plan at all.

This plus you sound like you are over thinking this or setting such strict limits that make it impossibleor undesirable for others to want to help. You have a lot of time to process this and think of a plan but it may involve some flexibility.

notkateanymore · July 2013

jmb527:
KateMW:
OK, I say this in the nicest way, but something is going to have to give. You can't force people to do what you want them to do. Your mother is right, your DH should stay at home with your DD. That way she isn't thrown into a tailspin with both of you gone and the new baby. You have nurses at the hospital, they will help you. Also, your RCS is probably not going to be the same as your emergency c/s. Honestly, it sounds like you need to look into hiring somebody to watch your child and then bring her up to the hospital to meet the baby and DH can take it from there. Your mother and MIL don't seem to be into your plan at all.
This plus you sound like you are over thinking this or setting such strict limits that make it impossibleor undesirable for others to want to help. You have a lot of time to process this and think of a plan but it may involve some flexibility.

Yes, you want people to help, but you aren't letting them do it any other way but your very specific way. That doesn't make people want to help.

sonrisa · July 2013

I also had a tough recovery last time. I also needed help to get to and from the bathroom and shower for the first week or so (I needed to be lifted in and out and held up in the shower). It was a month before I could walk on my own (after that first week I crawled on my knees or used a walker to get around) and three months before I was fully stable. So I understand wanting your DH there.

On the day of the delivery: would your mom take care of your daughter while you are in surgery instead of MIL? Then have your husband go out and get your daughter, with a nurse to enforce your wishes, bring her in, then the rest of the family?

Would your MIL watch her that first night? They probably won't keep you in the hospital as long this time. So you'll all be home much sooner than last time.

Personally, I'm stocking up on supplies to be as self sufficient as possible: a walker, a shower chair, an above the toilet commode seat so I don't have to lower myself as far, etc. You might want to do the same.

zonastar23 · July 2013

KateMW:
jmb527:
KateMW:
OK, I say this in the nicest way, but something is going to have to give. You can't force people to do what you want them to do. Your mother is right, your DH should stay at home with your DD. That way she isn't thrown into a tailspin with both of you gone and the new baby. You have nurses at the hospital, they will help you. Also, your RCS is probably not going to be the same as your emergency c/s. Honestly, it sounds like you need to look into hiring somebody to watch your child and then bring her up to the hospital to meet the baby and DH can take it from there. Your mother and MIL don't seem to be into your plan at all.
This plus you sound like you are over thinking this or setting such strict limits that make it impossibleor undesirable for others to want to help. You have a lot of time to process this and think of a plan but it may involve some flexibility.
Yes, you want people to help, but you aren't letting them do it any other way but your very specific way. That doesn't make people want to help.

I think I'm overthinking it. Aside from what my mother said about DH staying with DD none of this has even been broached with anyone. I think I'm sending DH in to deal with his mom like I usually do when I think she's going to get irked. That woman is so freaking intimidating and unreasonable sometimes (entirely unrelated, yesterday she tried to talk me into going on a 18 hr+ car ride several states away, with NB and DD to visit her mom for her birthday at 3 weeks PP and staying two weeks before coming back. Then when we said I wouldn't be up to it, asked to take my daughter without us 2 weeks, when we already said she wasn't allowed to take her across state lines without us because we aren't comfortable with that, and her asthma and allergies on top of that. Then when that was a no, tried to convince us to "ok" a 2 week cruise in February for a family reunion. With a two-month-old! No way Jose! And all this in one very uncomfortable 20 minute discussion at a dinner.) My reason behind asking my mom to keep DD is that she does better with my mom than DH. He can't even get her to sleep without me, otherwise it's screaming fits all night. I don't want her totally thrown off schedule, and he will just let her stay up all night and be cranky all day. My mom, on the other hand, has been her only babysitter ever, and she does amazingly well with her. MIL isn't even allowed to have DD in her home for health/safety reasons.

I just think my OCD is showing. I don't want to stress about all of this stuff. I have reasons for wanting things this way, but I know this is extreme. I freak out like this sometimes, but overall I do pretty well for being OCD/bipolar/SA, off meds for 4 years.

zonastar23 · July 2013

sonrisa:
I also had a tough recovery last time. I also needed help to get to and from the bathroom and shower for the first week or so (I needed to be lifted in and out and held up in the shower). It was a month before I could walk on my own (after that first week I crawled on my knees or used a walker to get around) and three months before I was fully stable. So I understand wanting your DH there.
On the day of the delivery: would your mom take care of your daughter while you are in surgery instead of MIL? Then have your husband go out and get your daughter, with a nurse to enforce your wishes, bring her in, then the rest of the family?
Would your MIL watch her that first night? They probably won't keep you in the hospital as long this time. So you'll all be home much sooner than last time.
Personally, I'm stocking up on supplies to be as self sufficient as possible: a walker, a shower chair, an above the toilet commode seat so I don't have to lower myself as far, etc. You might want to do the same.

I was lucky to be able to use a handicapped accessible shower for the first few weeks with DD. I physically could NOT lift my legs over the side of the tub, and the rails were a Godsend. My husband had to actually help me wash because I was having to hold onto the rails to keep standing. Hoping to have access to the same this time. I was nearly bedridden for the first week, and then the next two I was hunched over, holding onto furniture to get around. I had to be physically lowered onto and lifted off the toilet (seriously considering your suggestion about the commode)

My mom would probably take DD on the day-of. Do you know if you can ban people from going and gawking at the nursery while baby is being checked out? Standard procedure here is that baby HAS to go to the nursery to get checked before mom is moved to MCU.

MIL has been told she is not allowed to take DD to her house for health and safety concerns. My DD has asthma and severe allergies. I can't risk her health. Like I said before, we are likely moving into my mothers house, and mom would NOT be okay with MIL staying overnight at her house. Serious personality clash.

74dragonfly · July 2013

I agree with previous posts, you need to let people help on their terms. Is it really do terrible if DD meets baby with others in the room? It isn't and at 3.5 your DD won't care.
I do think you need to work on getting DD used to DH more. You w ill be busy with the baby and she needs to learn mommy will not always be the one taking care of her. I am working on this with my DD, age 4.5.

notkateanymore · July 2013

KKDRAGONFLY:
I agree with previous posts, you need to let people help on their terms. Is it really do terrible if DD meets baby with others in the room? It isn't and at 3.5 your DD won't care. I do think you need to work on getting DD used to DH more. You w ill be busy with the baby and she needs to learn mommy will not always be the one taking care of her. I am working on this with my DD, age 4.5.

It's obviously more of an issue for you, OP, than your DD. She'll be happy to meet her brother or sister, no matter who is around. Who cares if somebody sees the baby in the nursery? These are the things you need to let go, why stress yourself out unnecessarily?

lp0 · July 2013

Unfortunately something has got to give and if you are asking favors of people you need to make it convenient for them. You have lots of time to change routine with your DD and get her comfortable with your DH or introducing a helper/nanny that you may need to hire.

MamaGrillo · July 2013

You have some positives going into this birth.

You know you're having a c/section. This already makes recovery so much better (I don't know why I got the impression that last time was an emergency? maybe something someone said?)

You have a few months to get a 'flex plan' into place.

While I don't have your exact circumstances, I am also a RCS mom with older children. While this time it may be somewhat simpler because the girls are older now, with birth #2 and #3 the 'older' sib(s) were quite a bit younger. The only thing I remember wanting, was that they stay home because that was 'normal'. This meant that for subsequent births, my husband HAD to be home. But that's what the nurses are for!! Even if they get sick of the call button...hey...it's their job.

My parents come from abroad when I have kids, so they were there, but the girls didn't know them that well. My MIL mostly sat for us, but she was not at the point where the girls could sleep over yet.

With my 2nd, I had some complications, and ended up unable to do a lot of things postpartum . So I understand being physically unable to be there for a lot of stuff.

For the actual birth day, the girls were always there, and were among the first to see their baby sister. In laws usually drive them to the hospital an hour or two later than we leave, allowing time for the prep and birth. They have actually seen me in recovery with the baby. I'm usually pretty tired post-op, but they get to see me quickly and then we all get whisked to our areas of rest. I ask for other visitors to come after I've been 'un-cathed'..... yeah, no-one needs to see that!

Like previous posters have said, you have a few months, to get your little girl to get used to Daddy being responsible more than now for stuff. And while he may not do it your way, you can probably both agree on the fact that she needs 'x' hours of sleep a night. How she gets to sleep, you sort of need to let him do. Perhaps now would be a good time to share these anxieties with him calmly before it is an issue. And figure a good way to deal with them.

That way, you release the stress not only from the eventual moment, but from now. You don't need the stress.

Good luck!

XP from C-sections: Older Child?

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