Please don't judge--just need to tell someone

I found out I was pregnant in May while I was getting my annual exam.  For some reason I had them check just because I had a funny feeling that I was--not that I was having symptoms because I really wasn't.  This was my first pregnancy.  I am 35.  I had been dating the "father" (wow that is the first time I've ever used that term to describe him), for only a couple of weeks--although I had known him for several years.  We were shocked to find out I was pregnant for several reasons--mainly because he had testicular cancer when he was younger and had a testicle removed and was under the impression he was no longer fertile due to all the chemo, drugs and the surgery, and second because he was separated and not divorced yet.  At first I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep the baby.  I was in absolute shock, and then panic set in. "How would we tell people I was pregnant?" "How did I get myself pregnant by a married man--and what if his divorce never gets filed?" "I was planning on moving out of state next month--what now?" "I just graduated and don't have a job yet--how are we going to afford this baby?""How many more chances am I going to get at being a mommy at my age?" "What if we abort and he resents me forever?" "How could our relationship weather this so soon?" "How is his family going to react with him being 43?" And on, and on.  We had many conversations about what to do and eventually decided to get married.  We moved in together, and still none of his family knows as his wife is not wanting to sign divorce papers, so I guess I am his dirty little secret until then.  I do love him, and being pregnant and m/c hasn't changed all this--I felt it just sped things up.

After the fear and shock of being pregnant wore off, an excitement took over.  We bought baby books and I really became excited about the life growing inside of me. I began becoming a health freak about what I ate and took vitamins and drank plenty of water.  ...The excitement turned back into fear when I began having spotting and pain on June 8th.  June 9th would have been my first prenatal visit.  I went to the Dr.'s office and had an ultrasound and blood work.  They did not tell me what to expect at all, or what was, or could be, going on.  They said my levels were xyz and that pain and spotting didn't necessarily mean miscarriage.  (This was on a Friday.) Over the weekend, the pain was still awful.  I couldn't stand for more than 3-5 minutes at a time.  My hips and back ached something awful--it felt like they were rotten and if I stood up they were going to crumble.  I had some vicodin from a back injury from a year ago and finally broke down and took some.  Three days I felt like this and I was all alone. My BF was at work (he works 48 hours at a time), and I was left at home and could barely function.  On the 4th day I passed what I'm guessing is the gestational sac.  I was in shock--it looked like a shriveled up prune.  I'm guessing the reason is because my ultrasound showed I was maybe 4-5 weeks, but according to my LMP I should have been closer to 8.  I didn't know what to do with it.  Should I keep it? Should I flush it? What is appropriate here? So many questions.  I felt like a 16 year-old kid.  Hell, I was in some stupid situation that a naive kid would find themselves in, not a 35 year-old woman.  Later that night, my bf made the comment that it was okay to feel so relief that I m/c.  I was really hurt by his comment, because I was on board to have this baby and there was no "relief" with the m/c--at best there was guilt and mixed emotions.  I knew the timing was off for us, and that yes a baby after we were married would be ideal, but I found myself ready to be a mommy, and now I felt very alone in my sadness.  It has been a month since then, and I'm still not sure why I miscarried or how far along I was.  My story is embarrassing, and I can't believe I am sharing it with you.  Sigh.  Today was my first period after my m/c and it has been hard on me.  Thanks for listening.