Parenting
Behavior issues HELP
I think I might XP this on the adoption board.
My SIL just adopted three children, around the ages of 20 months, 6 years, and 7 years. Everyone who heard about it prior to the adoption was like, "Wow, what an amazing thing you're doing for those children. You're really going to have your hands full!" Yes. They were right.
SIL and her husband are amazing, smart, kind, patient, and I really think they're doing a great job. But SIL kind of had a breakdown last night, and she shared that it's really, really hard, and sometimes she wonders if they can do it. They've had the kids for about a month, and the older two especially are really testing them. They've had a pretty rough background, so it's normal to expect that they would have some behavioral issues, but it's worse than my SIL expected. Sometimes the kids just flip out and completely lose their shitt. I have been there for one of these meltdowns, and it almost seems like the kids are demon possessed or something. That is bad to say, but they go from sweet, normal kids to shrieking, throwing things, saying really awful things, flailing, crying, etc., and it happens in an instant. SIL and H have tried behavior charts where you progress in colors and then there are rewards or consequences, but she hasn't really seen an improvement, and she is feeling discouraged and exhausted.
I feel like part of the issue is that the kids have no concept of discipline, consequences, or accountability, so they're having to build that from scratch. Plus they're in a new place, with people they don't really know who are suddenly mom and dad, new rules, baggage from what happened to them before, etc. Then again, I think behavior challenges and flip outs are somewhat normal, even for a child who has the very best parents and childhood.
Any parenting advice for my SIL or advice for me on how to help and encourage her? I can't babysit for her and H to get a break due to some legal things with the adoption, but maybe taking them some meals or going over to help?
Thanks for reading this far. I might DD this for privacy reasons, but I do really appreciate the advice. I only have a baby, so I'm counting on more experienced parents for advice. TIA!
My SIL just adopted three children, around the ages of 20 months, 6 years, and 7 years. Everyone who heard about it prior to the adoption was like, "Wow, what an amazing thing you're doing for those children. You're really going to have your hands full!" Yes. They were right.
SIL and her husband are amazing, smart, kind, patient, and I really think they're doing a great job. But SIL kind of had a breakdown last night, and she shared that it's really, really hard, and sometimes she wonders if they can do it. They've had the kids for about a month, and the older two especially are really testing them. They've had a pretty rough background, so it's normal to expect that they would have some behavioral issues, but it's worse than my SIL expected. Sometimes the kids just flip out and completely lose their shitt. I have been there for one of these meltdowns, and it almost seems like the kids are demon possessed or something. That is bad to say, but they go from sweet, normal kids to shrieking, throwing things, saying really awful things, flailing, crying, etc., and it happens in an instant. SIL and H have tried behavior charts where you progress in colors and then there are rewards or consequences, but she hasn't really seen an improvement, and she is feeling discouraged and exhausted.
I feel like part of the issue is that the kids have no concept of discipline, consequences, or accountability, so they're having to build that from scratch. Plus they're in a new place, with people they don't really know who are suddenly mom and dad, new rules, baggage from what happened to them before, etc. Then again, I think behavior challenges and flip outs are somewhat normal, even for a child who has the very best parents and childhood.
Any parenting advice for my SIL or advice for me on how to help and encourage her? I can't babysit for her and H to get a break due to some legal things with the adoption, but maybe taking them some meals or going over to help?
Thanks for reading this far. I might DD this for privacy reasons, but I do really appreciate the advice. I only have a baby, so I'm counting on more experienced parents for advice. TIA!
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Re: Behavior issues HELP
Your SIL is a saint and those poor kids sound like they've been through a lot.
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Agree with therapy. Also sounds like the kids expect your sister and BIL to disappear and are testing them.
Did they discuss the rules when the kids first got there? One thing they could do is create rules as a family. This will give the kids input and let them discuss why rules are important. Rules should be posted and consequences should be too. When the kids break the rules/melt down they need to reassure the kids "we love you no matter what, we aren't going anywhere, you still have to sit in your room for a while (or whatever the consequence is). They HAVE to be consistent. Even though its hard. I think this article may be helpful too.
It really sucks that you can't give them a break. Can you be there so your sister can go take a long shower or something-- it might refresh her a bit.
The date night in the backyard is a great idea. It is a state adoption from a different state, so I don't know if an agency is involved, but I will have her look into family and behavioral therapy and the books for sure if she hasn't already. Fred, that's good info about the honeymoon period, thanks. It will comfort her to know that what she is going through is normal.