How to be a stay-at-home mom?

sytom · July 2013

i know I should talk with DH about this, but I'm so tired I want to make sure I really mean what I'll be saying and I need as many input as possible. I'm curious how you all balance household chores and taking care of your baby. Since I've been on maternity leave, I do almost everything.. I feel bad for DH who has to work, but is it normal or expected that I do as much as I do? I'm getting pretty good at juggling my two babies and everything else, but am I justified to be really proud of myself to BF, entertain my 21 month old while making sure lunch is on the table when DH comes home from work? Sadly, I don't think he understands how hard it is to stay home.

Any advice is welcome! Thank you!

NicoleSB80 · July 2013

I don't have much advice but I'm in the same boat. When I worked FT we split the chores really well. Since about 3weeks pp I don't think DH has done anything except put away his clean socks and drop a few dishes in the dishwasher. I complained about the lack of his old chores a few days ago so he cleaned the inside of the toilets and then proudly said "the bathrooms are clean". I not so politely to him they weren't even close and finished the job after putting LO to bed.

He sleeps all night and doesn't get home till 6 or so everyday so he's with LO about 2 hours. He has no idea how stressful and busy my days are.

We have discussed this several times in the last few weeks so I researched cleaning services and plan to give him the pricing this weekend. That's gonna be a fun conversation but something has to give

Disneygeek77 · July 2013

No, your husband is being unfair. Just because he puts in 8-9 hours at the office, that doesn't mean you have to put in 16 at home.

Now, I do think if you didn't have a newborn, it would be nice to do more of the household chores since you are already home and it is easier for you, but all that goes out the window when you have a newborn. Right now you are just surviving.

luvmyducks · July 2013

I do pretty much everything except pay the bills, trash and yardwork.

ETA, that being said, my DH just expects me to take care of the kids. Everything else is extra.

flkong · July 2013

LalaMama81:
When you have a newborn, keeping yourself and the children alive is the only goal. Anything else is gravy. Just b/c you stay at home or are on maternity leave does not mean you are responsible for all of the household upkeep and errands as well as cooking ON TOP of the kid care.
When I had a newborn my husband didn't expect dinner or a clean house or anything else. He expected a wife who was exhausted and overwhelmed along w/ 2 fed, happy kids.
Talk to your husband.

My H knows how much work goes into caring for a newborn. So he doesn't expect anything when he comes home. He usually gets himself situated and then come gets LO to give me a break. He's been home all day with her and knows it's a job in itself.

smrunnels · July 2013

Try leaving him home alone with the kids for a day. That's what I did. LO wasn't even 2 weeks yet but he needed to see how hard things were for me with no help. I worked a 6 hour shift and left him home with our 5 yo, 3 yo, and newborn. He was calling me after like 2 hours. I made sure he had to make them a meal during that time too. He has helped out with cleaning ever since!!

CrazyMary77 · July 2013

My DH has a job that is very demanding. He's often working 14 hour days, and working 7 days a week. His only substantial time off is 4 weeks during the summer, which he just had, and spent a lot of that time taking care of LO by himself and helping with things around the house. He is very understanding about how demanding caring for an infant is. He does not expect dinner on the table. He either will eat at work or pick up something if I didn't make anything, without any complaining. He doesn't demand that the house be perfectly clean and supports me if I say I want the cleaning lady to come (she comes about once every 5 weeks). But saying all that, there is an expectation that, since I'm now a SAHM, that I'm essentially in charge of managing the family and the house, and I with my controlling nature am perfectly fine with that!

I will ask DH for help with certain things when he is at home, and he always obliges, but I largely take care of LO and everything doing with our home, paying bills, doing errands, etc. And I'm perfectly OK with that. It's an arrangement that works for us. You have to find an arrangement that works for you. If you find that your DH doesn't understand how difficult it can be for you, then tell him about your day. Let him have a day at home alone with the kids.

amandalgreene86 · July 2013

Sadly, most men do not understand what is like to stay at home. I have an 8 yr old and a almost 2 wk old. I was a stay at home with our 8 year old until he started Kindergarten and will probably do the same with this little one. They way we handled housework was I did the inside stuff and he did all the outside stuff (we have 10 acres to take care of). So he cuts the grass, weedwacks, takes trash out... and I do the inside stuff. Once I was working part time, the rule was whoever was home first, had to start dinner and the other one did the dishes. But now that our first sonis 8, he can help a lot around the house so it really helps. I also started "Mommy Day" where almost every week, I get one day by myself to do what I want. That isn't going to happen for a little with the baby, but my DH will still take our older son somewhere so I can have a bit of a break.

My advice is for you to analyze what you do and what you would like help with and calmly ask for some help. Maybe have him do the dishes so you can sit after dinner. But just explain how you understand he is tired from work but that you need a little break too so you don't get worn out.

Good luck.

PrimRoseMama · July 2013

LalaMama81:
When you have a newborn, keeping yourself and the children alive is the only goal. Anything else is gravy. Just b/c you stay at home or are on maternity leave does not mean you are responsible for all of the household upkeep and errands as well as cooking ON TOP of the kid care.
When I had a newborn my husband didn't expect dinner or a clean house or anything else. He expected a wife who was exhausted and overwhelmed along w/ 2 fed, happy kids.
Talk to your husband.

ALL OF THIS> Seriously.

dairygirl19 · July 2013

LalaMama81:
When you have a newborn, keeping yourself and the children alive is the only goal. Anything else is gravy. Just b/c you stay at home or are on maternity leave does not mean you are responsible for all of the household upkeep and errands as well as cooking ON TOP of the kid care.
When I had a newborn my husband didn't expect dinner or a clean house or anything else. He expected a wife who was exhausted and overwhelmed along w/ 2 fed, happy kids.
Talk to your husband.

Yeah this. When I had a newborn and about to again, the general rule is "Whatever happens, happens."

If the house is a disaster and he got a frozen pizza for supper, he either a) pitches in or b) knows better than to b*tch.

Also be careful of your own expectations. There was a time I placed so much on myself because it's what I thought had to do/could do and H expected. Turns he couldn't have cared less about the most of it.

Now that my kid is 2 and I feel great pregnant, I do more/expect more because I can. I'm not struggling right now. The time will come again where I'll be overwhelmed and I'll let a lot go again.

Hang in there.

And don't be afraid to ask for outside help. I've had my teen neighbor girls come over and mop floors, clean bathrooms and vacuum for cash. My MIL loves to be helpful so I take advantage of it when I need to.

Dragonfly1226 · July 2013

LalaMama81:
When you have a newborn, keeping yourself and the children alive is the only goal. Anything else is gravy. Just b/c you stay at home or are on maternity leave does not mean you are responsible for all of the household upkeep and errands as well as cooking ON TOP of the kid care.
When I had a newborn my husband didn't expect dinner or a clean house or anything else. He expected a wife who was exhausted and overwhelmed along w/ 2 fed, happy kids.
Talk to your husband.

This exactly.

MrsArrow · July 2013

Yes definitely talk to your husband. Just be honest w/o being accusatory. Use "I" terms, ie: "I feel very overwhelmed. Will you please help me with a solution to how I am feeling"? Men love to help, sometimes they dont know what to do and are afraid they are going to do it wrong. I don't like how my husband loads the dishwasher...but hey if he is willing to do it..why complain?!? Just ask and dont complain when they do... Hope this helps!

How to be a stay-at-home mom?

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