Vent/Rant about my sister...this is long.
buzzbee24
member
OK. My sister (10yrs my elder), her youngest son left 6 months ago to join the Air force. Her baby left the coop, so empty nest syndrome kicked in for her something awful. She was living 3 hours away, working a job that had her on call 6 days a week and was miserable and alone (I know because I received 6 calls a day about it) Anyway, She said she wanted to live closer to family, spend time with my DS and find a job less demanding. Her funds were limited, so I offered her to come stay here if she wanted and we could come to an agreement. I offered her rent/bill free room and board if she could help with household chores, split the workload with me on laundry and general cleaning and watch DS one night a week so that DH and I could finally have some couple time and have a nice movie night or 2hr dinner out/date night. She agreed. She's always been more of a neat freak than I am.
Well, the first month went great. She helped with chores, but still had all the free time in the world to apply for jobs and go to interviews ( I am a SAHM, so I never needed her to do daytime babysitting). Then, she met a guy. After only knowing him for one week, she invited him over to my house during our weekly date night while she was watching DS. I was not really comfortable with having a stranger that she even barley knows in my house, with my child and I never met this man myself. We came home and found him lounging in my game room. I acted polite and figured I would speak to her about it after he left that evening. I went to bed. I woke up the next morning, and his car is still parked in front of the house. WTF?! She had him stay, didn't bother to ask me, run it past me....nothing!
I talked to her about it and she BLEW UP cussing at me, saying I'm being ridiculous yadda, yadda and from that point on she stopped helping around the house all together. Fast forward three months later. She doesn't speak to me, let alone help with anything around the house. Barely acknowledges DS and will take off to her boyfriends house for three days, never letting me know when she's leaving or coming home. Random pop ins to get more clothes and then leaves. Tonight, I attempted to talk to her about why she's not living up to her part of the agreement and she went off on this rant about how "some of us aren't lucky enough to have a husband to take care of things" (I chose to stay at home with LO, before that, I worked 50hr weeks), she screamed and yelled about being expected to do things, called me names and stated 5 times that she could get her sh@t out tonight and leave and after all that, I just said well then fine, do that. Stop yelling in my house, My husband and I don't ever scream or have drama in our home. We're pretty laid back people and our worst tiff in the last 6 months is about who's doing dishes while the other person takes out trash. Lol.
I don't feel like I'm in the wrong and I hate confrontation. Plus, it's my sister so I feel bad there is this rift between us. Could I have handled it better? I really felt like I had to let her know that boundaries had been crossed and I expected more.
Thanks for reading.
Re: Vent/Rant about my sister...this is long.
Your house, your rules.
You had an agreement, she broke it.
You had common sense expectations, she broke them.
You tried to engage in productive communication, she broke it.
Honestly, something is going on with your sister, but in your house, with your family as an audience, is not the place to do something about it. She needs her own place, and your family needs their safe place back.
I think you did the right thing, but I hope you and your sister can repair the rift at some point.
Before your sister moved in, did you discuss having people over for visits or overnights? I'm guessing you probably didn't. So while I would have been annoyed too, I think you share some responsibility for not clarifying with your sister your thoughts on guests. And as a roommate, your sister doesn't owe you an explanation of when she's coming and going and what her activities are, so long as she's meeting her end of the "roommate" agreement.
Now, of course, she's clearly NOT fulfilling her end of the bargain. Tell her you need to talk about the arrangement in a calm, adult way, and set up some time for you to speak. Tell her that if she chooses to stay in your home, she needs to do the things you both agreed on, and if that arrangement isn't one she wants any longer, you understand and wish her the best.
Living with people can be really hard, and living with family can be even harder. Many times we expect people to share our feelings, perceptions, and "rules", even though we haven't discussed them. When you live with someone (roommate, spouse, sister), you should never assume they can read your mind and you both need to be committed to honest, constructive communication. You should also remember that you're roommates and sisters, not mother/daughter, and as an adult your sister gets some privacy and the right to make her own decisions. If you're not comfortable with that, that's your right, and it's your house, so you are under no obligation to allow her to stay with you.
No. I didn't discuss the overnight guest rules with her. I figured she knew it's not the smartest idea inviting a person you barely know for a little more than a week into your family's home where a one year old resides. Plus, she's in her mid forties I thought common sense would kick in. And, she hasn't dated in over 5 years I didn't think that talk was really needed prior move in. But I guess I am to blame for assuming.
Her stuff, well some stuff is still here. She text me earlier saying she's getting it out within s few days. I responded that we will
Coordinate a time for that to happen when she lets me know what day.
As far as the coming and going. She is an adult and had she lived up to our agreement, she could come and go as she pleased. However, since providing help around here was supposed to be her form of payment, if you will, then I felt like a little heads up would've been courteous not really necessary. She is my sister, fell for this guy pretty hard and I was concerned about her safety. Plus, dropping in, doors slamming well after my family is asleep with no heads up that it may be her after not hearing anything from her in three days is rather unnerving.I'm like laying in bed wondering if thats her or a break in....ya know?
Not to be overly harsh b/c she is your sister, but I would absolutely change your locks. you don't know who she's given her keys to. And also, is she on drugs?
I just ask b/c from your description she simply isn't reacting rationally when you try to discuss things that really don't have to be a big deal to simply talk about.
Maybe the guy is her "drug" or maybe she always acts this defensive about basic things...or maybe she knows deep down that she's in the wrong and so she's just getting super defensive so she doesn't have to acknowledge that. I just sounds like she's acting kinda nuts.
Yeah. DH and I had the same question about the drug thing. Her reactions have been over the top off and nutty but tje thought did cross my mind. This guy, the very brief monent I did meet him seemed not right. Sweaty, figidy I don't know but I'm glad she's gone. I feel relieved.
Its absolutely not like me to jump to the idea that someone would be on drugs, I'm usually way on the naive side of that argument, but to be honest its the first thing I thought when you explained her reaction and subsequent behavior. I hope you find a solution and I'm sorry for what you're going through.
Baby 2 EDD 7-18-14