I found out today that my co-worker is getting a divorce from her husband of 6 years because he does not want to have a child. This was not a surprise to any of us, because he had a vasectomy years before they even got married and had said repeatedly that he didn't want kids. She thought he would change his mind. She finally realized that he is not going to have a child with her because he plain just doesn't want to raise a child. She plans on becoming a single mom with a donor. I say you go girl!!
My question to you all, which obviously is a far stretch for us to relate since we all have babies, but say this was another life, or years before you met your DH/SO. And the person you were seeing did not want children, is that a dealbreaker for you, even if everything else is perfect? Would you marry that person anyway, in hopes that time will change his mind?
Re: A little hypothetical to fire the place up
No, I would not marry someone in that situation.
A friend of mine is dealing with something similar. She and her husband tried for the better part of a decade and were in the midst of trying to adopt when he decided slash realized that he didn't want kids. That was really, really tough for her because she wants kids so badly. But they are working through it.
I think I always knew I wanted kids, but I was fine if it didn't happen. Now I'm obsessed with my kid and can't believe what I would have missed out on.
Interesting fact I learned: The Catholic Church won't give you their blessing to marry if one wants kids and the other one doesn't.
Eta: wanted to add that I've only been catholic for 5 years and was surprised by their marriage process; compatibility test and marriage couseling. The marriage counselors gave the priest the green light that we could get married. I thought that was interesting.
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Trying for #1 since May 2010 l DX ~ Unexplained Infertility June 2011
IUI #1&2 = BFN; IUI #3 = BFP, m/c @ 6 weeks
November '11 ~ IVF#1 ~ ER 11/18 (29R, 17F) ~ 5dt of one beautiful blast on 11/23 = BFP!!
Beta #1 9dp5dt = 116, P4 = 28 ~ Beta #2 13dp5dt = 700 ~ Beta #3 20dp5dt = 9500, P4 = 26
1st u/s 12/27 - hb of 156!! EDD 8.10.12 **TEAM GREEN!**
Sweet baby boy born 8.18.12
Trying for #2
FET #1 - October '13 - c/p l FET #2 - December '13 - cancelled l FET #2.2 - 1.30.14 - BFN
~ More testing - hysteroscopy, endometrial biopsy & more b/w - all normal / negative~
Surprise BFP while waiting on FET #3 ~ beta #1 500; beta #2 1600; first u/s 4/3 - measuring 5w5d, no hb yet!; 2nd u/s 4/10 - hb 132, measuring 6w6d - EDD 11.29.14 **TEAM GREEN!**
Beautiful baby girl born 11.24.14
I don't see the point in marrying someone who isn't on the same page in terms of religion, educational goals or family expectations. I went on two dates with a guy who thought the arts were a waste and college wasn't worth it. His aunt set us up and it was painfully obvious it wouldn't work out. We went out again at her insistence a year after our first date and it was awful. At the time I was a year into my masters program for costume design.
DS #1 Born: 10/03/06, DS #2 Born: 08/06/12 My Cooking Blog
FET #1 Dec 2013 BFN
FET # 2 Feb 2014 BFN
No more frosties
IVF #2. September 2014
PGD yielded 2 perfect 5d blasts
SET November 9, 2014
Nov 23, 2014. Another BFN
Not sure where to go from here.
It wouldn't have been for me. DH made me want to have kids. Not as-in, he told me I needed to want to have kids, but seeing him as a dad, and imagining having a family with him made me want to have kids, KWIM? Before I met him, I wasn't sure I wanted to have kids.
If however, I knew I wanted kids, and was dating someone who didn't I wouldn't have married them thinking that they'd change. What a wasted 6 years for this woman.
DH and I married 8 years. Mom of three, stepmom of one.
Agree. I think before baby, I would've been fine either having kids or not. DH is the one who really wanted them. Now I'm really glad to have DD and we want a second, but if he had decided he was against kids, I think I would've been ok with it.
Deal breaker for me, but I have a friend in that situation, and she has been on-again/off-again with the guy for years now. They love each other and are really great together, but he didn't want kids, and she broke up with him, and then he changed his mind, so they got back together, but she's unsure about whether he truly changed his mind or just wanted to get back together, so they broke up again, but can't stay away from each other, so now they're back together again and I'm not sure what the status is on the potential kid thing because we're all tired of talking about it
On another note, if I wanted a kid and hadn't found the right guy yet and was financially stable and getting older, I would totally have a kid on my own. I wouldn't want to be 50 years old and regret not being a mom just because I hadn't found the right guy.