Heartbroken
bunnycakes011508
member
Sorry- this is very long.
My husband and I had a loss 5 years ago and it was really tough. No one knew until years later (except a couple close friends.) This time around we told family and close friends very early. We were excited and I knew that if anything happened I didn't want us to be alone in it again. I'm glad we did. 'Cause it did happen again.
The 14th things started going wrong. There was mild spotting. I took a nap and my husband was worried because I was moaning in my sleep like I do when terribly ill. I woke up sooo sick. He took care of me- carrying me upstairs to bed, putting on the fan, making me tea. It's so sweet- he takes such good care of me- like he would have taken care of our child. He deserves a child. :_(
I lost it on the 15th. I had been spotting a little, so I called the doctor and made an appointment. I was too scared to pee all day 'cause of the spotting. When I finally did there was a mucus and something the size of a pea. I just saw the tons of blood and freaked out. I called to tell them I was coming in NOW. I was a mess. I couldn't stop crying in the office. I tried to calm myself and breathe, but it was hard. I feel awful for the poor pregnant women sitting there awkwardly trying not to hear the girl weeping. Then the sharp, unbearable cramps started. I nearly passed out. They took me in and my blood pressure was 140/80 I was so upset. They had me use the restroom before the ultrasound and the nurse could hear me crying in there. There was nothing there but the lining by the time I had the ultrasound. The doctor tried to be positive, and I tried to calm myself, but I guess I just knew better.
My husband and I are devastated and our family is crushed. Everyone was really excited.
I have a tendency to get attached very quickly. I teach and I get very fond of my students quickly and miss them during school breaks. I miss all the kids I've babysat and it's hard being away from my cousins' kids. Even though both pregnancies ended very early, I'm crushed. It was our baby. Our child. And it's dead.
I just feel like suck. A lovely, lovely friend in a different state sent flowers and all I could do was cry because they were alive, unlike my baby. My husband was holding our puppy like an infant and I couldn't stand looking at it (though that was one way he was coping and normally I find it adorable.) We didn't mean to start rearranging the house in preparation until 3rd trimester, but our instincts kicked in, so I see the changes around the house and it hurts. I usually love seeing my baby cousins' pictures on facebook, but this morning it was bitter-sweet. They are lovely, but I want mine back too.
I have been soooo sick. I can't sleep or eat at all. My whole body hurts so bad. The cramps are unbearable. It's bad enough to hurt so much emotionally, but to hurt so much physically too is just not fair.
My husband was so excited to be a father. He spent all 4th of July playing with a group of 20 kids- all under the age of 7. He has really been looking forward to this. And so have I.
Luckily most of the family have just talked about how hard it is and how terrible it feels, but it was briefly mentioned that dreaded "it wasn't meant to be." At one point. I know usually I do feel that way about things later down the road, but right now it's just pain. Plus this was a really great time- a bunch of my friends are pregnant, so we've been talking and two of our cousins are pregnant- one due February and the other was even the same week as me. I feel worried for them. Loosing mine is horrible enough, I would be so sad if anything happened to them too. 
I'm so angry too. I want it back. It's mine and it's ours and no one and nothing had any right to take if from us.
Sigh, I'm just so sad. :_(
Re: Heartbroken
BFP 06/05/2013 | EDD 02/10/2014 | D&C 07/12/2013
I am so sorry for your loss and for your sadness. These are terrible times and we never think it will be "us" in this situation...even when you feel in your gut something is not right. I haven't found myself as angry yet but I found that just about everything I do reminds me of something that I did while pregnant and preparing for baby. I went to the store with DH yesterday and all I could think of was "Last time I went here it was to pick up prenatal vitamins..." Then a pharmacy today for post DC meds and all I could think was "last time I was in this aisle I was buying a pregnancy test..." and the list goes on. Everything reminds me of something, even if it is small. Last night I stumbled across the little sign I had made for when we made an announcement. It was a chalkboard that said "Baby W**** Due Feb 2014" - we were going to have our pup hold it up. It was heartbreaking and I couldn't bear to erase it. It just seemed like it was all over so fast. We found out almost 5 weeks ago and our lives had already changed. DH feels he was so ready and his mind was so focused on these new things and now is so confused finding himself back to where he started. My heart breaks for him and for you and your DH. It isn't fair.
Thinking of you and your hub and sending your hugs.
Bunny cakes, I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a spontaneous miscarriage in August and a missed miscarriage at the end of May. It really just seems so unfair!! One thing I do know is you never forget about it but eventually it does get a little better. I suffer from anxiety so it's really done a number on me. It's a constant struggle...not to mention every friend I have is getting pregnant every time I turn around!! I'm really happy for them but sometimes ask myself"why not me, what's wrong with me?" There is a really good book I'm reading called Coming to Term" so far it's really helped give me some comfort and a little education on this crazy journey I've been on.
I hope things get better soon and you get your beautiful rainbow baby!!
Sep14 February Siggy Challenge: Favorite Romantic Movie - A Knight's Tale
Happily welcomed healthy baby girl December 2011.
Excited to welcome a new addition September 2014!
BFP#1: 2/2/13 ~ exact m/c date unknown but around 3/20 at 10 weeks ~ diagnosed with PMP ~ D&C on 4/5 ~ TTA for at least 1 year due to PMP ~ cleared to TTC 1/14
BFP#2: 2/7/14 ~ m/c 2/20/14 ~ possibly due to chemical pregnancy ~ TG no D&C is needed
Surprise BFP#3: 4/4/14 ~ super duper extra happy (and nervous) about this one - EDD 12/9/14!!!
John Joseph was born on 12/12/14 at 7 lbs. 11 oz. He is the most beautiful rainbow baby we could have wished for!