Baby Showers

Perspectives on etiquette

I find it really interesting reading so many posts about people not planning or hosting their own baby showers. Where I'm from, it's really common and not frowned upon.

I won't be hosting my own, my mum, MIL and sister will be. Just because they've said they would want to.

But, I'm just a bit astounded that there is such a strong reaction to hosting your own baby shower. I've heard of many women hosting their own and never once have I thought negatively of them for it. Nor have I ever heard anyone else say anything negative. I guess I look at it the same as a wedding, it's typical these days to request money for a wishing well, I've never been to a wedding that's had otherwise.

Not saying that it's not frowned upon in some places, but it's 100 not where I am. Just interesting the different perspectives :
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Re: Perspectives on etiquette

  • I guess you are looking at the difference between what is commonplace and what is considered proper. I do believe that where you are from it might be really common to host one's own shower, but many of the girls on this board are more interested in sharing what has been traditionally considered proper etiquette and/or what seems right to them. Any time you do something that looks like you're asking for gifts, people on here are going to point out the offensiveness if it. A wedding well is another example of something like this.

    Then again,traditional etiquette would also say a fanily member shouldn't even host your shower, only a friend. And you will find many of the girls on this board will say it's okay to disregard that rule these days. So I get what you are saying about different perspectives. The board is inconsistent bbut if you sift through the obvious flames, you will find some people genuinely trying to guide you when you ask. If you want to follow propr etiquette, get yourself a copy of a Miss Manners book. If you want to just do what everyone else in town is doing, then just do that. I will say, however, that even if it seems like 100% of everybody accepts something, there's always a chance that your grandma or the girl that moved from out of town is privately frowning upon it

  • Baby showers are the same as wedding showers. Ifyou want to compare something to a wedding, the baptism could be comparable. But a baby shower is not the same as a wedding. 
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  • You're one of the reasons I wrote this post. So quick to say that kind of thing. I get it, it's 'bad etiquette', but what I'm saying it that times change and that's not the case everywhere. In fact, I don't even look at baby showers as just a gift giving event, I look at them as a celebration for a mother or mother and father to be. Bridal showers, I look at as a last girls night before she's married. I've been to showers and not taken gifts. Because I don't believe in this day and age they're all about gifts. More about fun.
    If you're pointing our about gift giving events, then why is it ok for the mother to be to make a registry but it's not rude because the host sends it out? Clearly they are asking for gifts.
    I'm just saying, it's different everywhere and I guess where I'm from it's a lot less traditional!
  • Yeah that makes sense. I guess I'm just pointing out that traditionals get old and everywhere is different. I was just absolutely shocked at some of the rude and sarcastic replies to people who sound like they're from somewhere where it's considered ok to host your own shower.
  • In terms of gifts I meant. Let's be honest, there's a registry and wishing wells and what not. It's an event of celebration that calls for guests to bring gifts!
  • imageGB30:
    I find it really interesting reading so many posts about people not planning or hosting their own baby showers. Where I'm from, it's really common and not frowned upon.

    I won't be hosting my own, my mum, MIL and sister will be. Just because they've said they would want to.

    But, I'm just a bit astounded that there is such a strong reaction to hosting your own baby shower. I've heard of many women hosting their own and never once have I thought negatively of them for it. Nor have I ever heard anyone else say anything negative. I guess I look at it the same as a wedding, it's typical these days to request money for a wishing well, I've never been to a wedding that's had otherwise.

    Not saying that it's not frowned upon in some places, but it's 100 not where I am. Just interesting the different perspectives :


    I'm so glad you wrote this post, I agree with you so much!

    I think now a days anything goes. Where I'm from some people throw their own showers and also 2nd showers are not frowned upon. Times have changed!



  • imagePaMommy02:
    imageGB30:
    I find it really interesting reading so many posts about people not planning or hosting their own baby showers. Where I'm from, it's really common and not frowned upon.

    I won't be hosting my own, my mum, MIL and sister will be. Just because they've said they would want to.

    But, I'm just a bit astounded that there is such a strong reaction to hosting your own baby shower. I've heard of many women hosting their own and never once have I thought negatively of them for it. Nor have I ever heard anyone else say anything negative. I guess I look at it the same as a wedding, it's typical these days to request money for a wishing well, I've never been to a wedding that's had otherwise.

    Not saying that it's not frowned upon in some places, but it's 100 not where I am. Just interesting the different perspectives :


    I'm so glad you wrote this post, I agree with you so much!

    I think now a days anything goes. Where I'm from some people throw their own showers and also 2nd showers are not frowned upon. Times have changed!


    Yes exactly, times have changed! I was so sick of coming on here looking at baby shower posts and all I saw was rude and sarcastic response after rude and sarcastic response to people.
    My grandma believes it's tradition for a woman to do all the work in the kitchen, that's not something everyone believes, in fact hardly anyone at all cause it's dated! I'm glad you also share my view :
  • imageMelRC117:

    Times have changed, people are ridiculously greedy.  Pure and simple.

    seriously. Women no longer "belonging" in the kitchen isn't the same as it being ok to throwing your own gift giving party. One is about equality, the other is about greed 
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  • imagechattychiqa:
    imageGB30:
    imagePaMommy02:
    imageGB30:
    I find it really interesting reading so many posts about people not planning or hosting their own baby showers. Where I'm from, it's really common and not frowned upon.

    I won't be hosting my own, my mum, MIL and sister will be. Just because they've said they would want to.

    But, I'm just a bit astounded that there is such a strong reaction to hosting your own baby shower. I've heard of many women hosting their own and never once have I thought negatively of them for it. Nor have I ever heard anyone else say anything negative. I guess I look at it the same as a wedding, it's typical these days to request money for a wishing well, I've never been to a wedding that's had otherwise.

    Not saying that it's not frowned upon in some places, but it's 100 not where I am. Just interesting the different perspectives :


    I'm so glad you wrote this post, I agree with you so much!

    I think now a days anything goes. Where I'm from some people throw their own showers and also 2nd showers are not frowned upon. Times have changed!


    Yes exactly, times have changed! I was so sick of coming on here looking at baby shower posts and all I saw was rude and sarcastic response after rude and sarcastic response to people.
    My grandma believes it's tradition for a woman to do all the work in the kitchen, that's not something everyone believes, in fact hardly anyone at all cause it's dated! I'm glad you also share my view :


    It's the Internet. There is snark everywhere. I'm not saying I like it when I'm subjected or there's obvious meanness but it's the nature of the beast.


    It's sad when this is supposed to be a place for mums or mums to be. Scares me that the rude and negative people on here have or are having children yet treat people like that. Can't believe others like bringing people down for fun.
  • imageMelRC117:
    I feel the "times have changed" reasoning is ridiculous.nbsp; I'm sure the only reason deep down people are okay with people throwing their own showers is it allows them to do it as well.Times have changed, people are ridiculously greedy.nbsp; Pure and simple.


    And this post only proved my point that there's people who can't get over the fact that times HAVE changed. Call it what you want, but all I'm saying is that etiquette is picked and chosen to suit people. That's life, yes. People need to respect other people's choices or views, or simple keep their mouths closed. If someone comes on here asking for advice about hosting their own shower and you don't agree, don't comment. Simple. They obviously have a valid reason for wanting to host their own. Does not make them a greedy or horrible person !
  • imageEastCoastBride:
    imageMelRC117:

    Times have changed, people are ridiculously greedy.  Pure and simple.

    seriously. Women no longer "belonging" in the kitchen isn't the same as it being ok to throwing your own gift giving party. One is about equality, the other is about greed 

    This.

    "Times have changed" is not an excuse to not have manners.  

     

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  • Also, proper etiquette is black and white...there is no room for debate. It will never change to be proper etiquette to throw a gift giving event for yourself. 
     

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  • imageGB30:
    imageMelRC117:
    I feel the "times have changed" reasoning is ridiculous.nbsp; I'm sure the only reason deep down people are okay with people throwing their own showers is it allows them to do it as well.Times have changed, people are ridiculously greedy.nbsp; Pure and simple.
    And this post only proved my point that there's people who can't get over the fact that times HAVE changed. Call it what you want, but all I'm saying is that etiquette is picked and chosen to suit people. That's life, yes. People need to respect other people's choices or views, or simple keep their mouths closed. If someone comes on here asking for advice about hosting their own shower and you don't agree, don't comment. Simple. They obviously have a valid reason for wanting to host their own. Does not make them a greedy or horrible person !

    Are we seriously having this conversation, AGAIN? 

    When will people learn learn that being polite, which is what proper etiquette is about, is not something you can "pick and choose" on? Just because no one says anything aloud that would indicate they think your actions are rude, it doesn't mean they aren't saying it behind your back or at the very least in their heads. If they aren't, well that's just because they are just as rude and clueless as the rest of your circle. Stop making excuses for begging others to provide for your child/household. 

    If your intention is to "do whatever you want" anyway, then why bother coming on this board? Take your ball and go home. I promise your contributions, and I use that term loosely, will not be missed. 

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  • imageMelRC117:

    I feel the "times have changed" reasoning is ridiculous.  I'm sure the only reason deep down people are okay with people throwing their own showers is it allows them to do it as well.

    Times have changed, people are ridiculously greedy.  Pure and simple.

    Yes.  Times have changed.  For the worse. 

    OP, you can't be serious.

     

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    imageHelenahhandbasket:
    imageMelRC117:

    I feel the "times have changed" reasoning is ridiculous.  I'm sure the only reason deep down people are okay with people throwing their own showers is it allows them to do it as well.

    Times have changed, people are ridiculously greedy.  Pure and simple.

    Yes.  Times have changed.  For the worse. 

    OP, you can't be serious.

    Exactly. Our culture is just turning into this ME ME ME ITS ALL ABOUT ME consumerism fest, and the mentality that it's somehow acceptable to throw yourself a gift giving party only feeds into that.

    OP, you pulled the classic "I feel sorry for your children" line, but think about it: what are we teaching our children when we say "Forget about etiquette- I want people to buy me stuff!"

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  • imageJoy2611:

    imageGB30:
    You're one of the reasons I wrote this post. So quick to say that kind of thing. I get it, it's 'bad etiquette', but what I'm saying it that times change and that's not the case everywhere. In fact, I don't even look at baby showers as just a gift giving event, I look at them as a celebration for a mother or mother and father to be. Bridal showers, I look at as a last girls night before she's married. I've been to showers and not taken gifts. Because I don't believe in this day and age they're all about gifts. More about fun. If you're pointing our about gift giving events, then why is it ok for the mother to be to make a registry but it's not rude because the host sends it out? Clearly they are asking for gifts. I'm just saying, it's different everywhere and I guess where I'm from it's a lot less traditional!

    I'm assuming you're talking to me?

    I sincerely don't understand your thought process.  Bridal showers are to welcome women into the role of wives, baby showers are welcome women into motherhood.  They exist to give gifts and it's rude as hell to ask your friends to buy you things no matter the situation.

    Greed.  It's everywhere in this world these days.  It's in children, it's in brides, it's in new parents, it's in all of us.  We're trained to want MORE!!!! and not care how we get it so we've now reached the point of rationalizing these parties with "But, it's a rite of passage!!  I can't possibly survive if I don't get the EXACT baby shower I want complete with every gift and tea sandwich so I'll just throw it myself."

    Perhaps we all need an attitude adjustment and to remember some traditional etiquette. 

    YES YES YES.  All the crap you think you "need," you really only need about 10% of it.  But we live in a greedy consumer culture that tells us we have to have all this unnecessary crap (I'm looking at you, second baby shower), a culture where AWing is not nearly as side-eyed as it should be (I'm looking at you, gender reveal party), and a culture where people think that just because "everyone" is doing something, it's not rude (DON'T FREAKING HOST YOUR OWN SHOWER).   

    Rant over. 


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  • I actually don't even say the word etiquette anymore because that tends to go over people's heads. 

    Listen, throwing your own shower is never a polite thing to do.  No matter what you think, it comes across as crass, greedy and rude. 

  • imageMosyMama:

    I want to comment on a couple of points, but I'm not going to quote them because I'm not sure how to quote multiple people who didn't quote each other in the same post. (Note to self: search FAQs for that...)

    Re: "If you don't like it, don't respond." Generally speaking, I don't post on these boards to hear only what I want to hear and get validation for my choices. I want to hear different perspectives, and it's not realistic to expect only like-minded people to respond to my posts when I put something out there asking for feedback, opinions, and experiences. I like to hear from others and learn something from them, especially with respect to etiquette, because there is such variation in different social circles.

    Re: etiquette. While some traditional faux pas are now "acceptable" to some people, I agree that the general rules regarding manners and courtesy are firmly established and there's not much--if any--wiggle room. It's just that people care less about that and more about their own interests, which is an unfortunate societal trend. There is a pervasive sense of entitlement influencing the behavior of children and adults alike, and for many people, hosting your own baby shower and having showers for subsequent children are examples of that mentality. Doing either of those things conveys the message that you think other people should provide you with the things that you need, and proves that you have no problem asking them to do so, which is never acceptable.

    The difference is that here (and online in general) you will get honest responses and feedback (which are usually not "rude" even if it's hard for you to swallow), whereas your friends and family probably aren't going to tell you to your face that you're being selfish for having three baby showers in four years because you're having your first boy, you need more diapers, or whatever. I, for one, appreciate that honesty because I don't want to inadvertently disrespect my friends and family.

    Well said.

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  • Oh goodie.  Another person trying to come in and educate all of us about "times changing."  Just because people do something doesn't make it right.

    1. I've seen 14 year old girls wear incredibly short skirts to funerals.  I guess her parents thought that "times had changed."  Everyone else was appalled at her lack of respect for the situation and the inappropriateness of her outfit. 

    2.  16 and pregnant has made teen pregnancy seem like the thing to do.  Back in my day, and no, I'm not that old, being a pregnant teen was a bad thing.  Now you get on TV for it and it's the "norm."  Still doesn't make it right, does it?

    3.  Schools are handing out condoms to 11-13 year olds, in middle school.  While I believe in protecting kids above all, it's become the "norm" that middle school kids are going to have sex.  I guess times have changed...

    Look, I could go on and on.  You can find anyway you want to justify rude behavior, and you'll probably have a chorus of similar-minded twits singing your praises, because they don't understand what sort of position it puts other people in.  It's all "I want to be a pretty princess and have people LOOK AT ME!!!"

    Bottom line:  Unless you are comfortable calling your friends and family up and saying "hey Aunt Susie...I want you to buy me a gift because I'm procreating!  Come over at this time and give it to me!  I'll give you some finger sandwiches!  And you'll get the pleasure of 'oooohing' and 'aaaaahing' over ME!!", then you should NEVER host your own shower. 

    I swear...WTF are people thinking these days?  Yeah, times have certainly changed.  Just because it changes doesn't mean that it ends up in a better place.

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  • Am I crazy for thinking it's rude/tacky for esentially holding a fundraiser for yourself? That's basically what you're doing when hosting your own gift giving event. I defintiely think a basic bare minimum should be met when it comes to ettiquette, and having a fundraiser for yourself doesn't cut it. IMHO, a good guideline to follow is a *combination* of what's acceptable in your region/culture as well as general ettiquette. I don't think you should have to compromise the majority of cultural or even regional traditions, but you also have to ask yourself if something is truly a tradition, or just an influx of recent changes due to self-entitlement. If you don't want to hear opposing opinions, why bother going on an internet forum? It's pretty close minded to demand only like-minded opinions, otherwise how else would we learn from each other?? Again...it just goes back to the narcissism and self-entitlement that seems to be taking over society these days. If you can't handle the heat, then get out of the kitchen.
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  • I think it's in poor taste to throw yourself a party where gifts are expected, no matter where you live, quite honestly
  • It seems like so many people overlook the basic function of etiquette.  Etiquette is not meant to be stuffy, or prudish; fundamentally, etiquette should help people get along better because common societal norms are understood.  The heart of proper etiquette, in any situation, is the comfort of *other people*.  And that truth has not, and will not, change.

    That means that etiquette holds that someone should be thanked when they do you a favor.  You use utensils in a specific order so that everyone understands how food will be served and no one feels uncomfortable.  And you should never, ever host a gift-giving event for yourself because your guests may feel uncomfortable being directly asked to give you money. 

    Etiquette is *only* flexible if it makes *other* people feel better. Guess what?  You hosting your own fundraiser, so you can get more stuff, doesn't make anyone else feel better.  Don't do it, no matter where you live or how much stuff you want.

    And for the record, baby shower=bridal shower, not wedding.  A wedding is not a gift-giving event; a wedding is the celebration of nuptial ceremonies, and gifts are never required.  And yes, etiquette holds that wishing wells, which asks guests to contribute money and will likely make at least some of them uncomfortable, are also a terrible idea.    

  • imageDarbie914:

    I don't even know where to begin because most of the PPs have said it best.

    FWIW, OP, just because people disagree with you does not make them rude.  It means they DISAGREE.  There is a difference.

    And when people ask for opinions, they will get them.  Whether their opinion is in line with your own or if it differs.  

    I really, really hope this is MUD.   

    This. Although, sadly, I don't believe this is MUD. 

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  • I for one really like this board and how they give straight to the point, objective replies. You know you're not going to get smoke blown up your ?ss here. That's why I've posted about situations that aren't even shower related: I want real, honest answers. It seems like the only people that get pissed off around here are the ones who want to hear something fluffy and fake.
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  • Firstly, MUD. It's obvious she doesn't expect anyone to give her useful insight. The first post did and there was little attention given to it. Secondly, I'm gonna say that PaMommy is an AE, since their posts alternate and OP is obviously a newbie.

    Secondly, assuming not MUD -

    Regarding "times changing": To the point, etiquette doesn't change with time because etiquette isn't about what's considered "acceptable" to the MTB, it's about making sure that you don't put anyone else (that is, guests or hosts) in an uncomfortable position, regardless of whether or not they say anything. Has it occurred to you that maybe the people in your area that throw their own gift-giving parties are putting their friends on the spot to buy them a present, making them uncomfortable, but the friends are so non-confrontational they don't bat an eye in front of the MTB? It still made them uncomfortable, therefore still bad etiquette. Times changing won't affect this because what people think deep down is not going to change regardless of whether or not people decide to stop speaking up about it. Humans are wired to think some things are offensive - PPs have gone out of their way to list a great many examples. Those things are not going to become less offensive, people will just be less loud about it.

    Regarding "If you don't agree, don't respond": People come here to get an opinion from strangers. They shouldn't come here expecting people to agree with them. If they want that, they should go talk to family and friends in person because they're going to do just what I finished talking about above - not say anything at all. However, people on the internet will most likely be honest to you about tackiness that other people won't mention because they're not afraid of hurting your feelings. It's more important to approach the OP with a new perspective on things that they may or may not have realized before. I think most people on here say, "Please don't host your own shower," because they assume the OP hasn't realized this is rude and they want to inform them before they come across as a greedy person to all of their friends and family. In this sense, they are actually doing OP a service, which the OP wouldn't get if everyone who disagreed just kept quiet.


     

     

     
  • imageNicb13:

    imageGB30:
    imageMelRC117:
    I feel the "times have changed" reasoning is ridiculous.nbsp; I'm sure the only reason deep down people are okay with people throwing their own showers is it allows them to do it as well.Times have changed, people are ridiculously greedy.nbsp; Pure and simple.
    And this post only proved my point that there's people who can't get over the fact that times HAVE changed. Call it what you want, but all I'm saying is that etiquette is picked and chosen to suit people. That's life, yes. People need to respect other people's choices or views, or simple keep their mouths closed. If someone comes on here asking for advice about hosting their own shower and you don't agree, don't comment. Simple. They obviously have a valid reason for wanting to host their own. Does not make them a greedy or horrible person !

    Yet you're the smarty pants who starts a thread for the sole purpose of starting a fight. You must have nothing better to do with your day. Also, you posted somewhere on here that you've gone to showers and not brought gifts. You must have looked really stupid because even when people say "no gifts"....they don't actually mean it. Either you really are that dense or you are cheap. I'm thinking cheap......

    Who goes to a shower and doesn't take a gift?? 

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  • imageGB30:
    imageMelRC117:
    I feel the "times have changed" reasoning is ridiculous.nbsp; I'm sure the only reason deep down people are okay with people throwing their own showers is it allows them to do it as well.Times have changed, people are ridiculously greedy.nbsp; Pure and simple.
    And this post only proved my point that there's people who can't get over the fact that times HAVE changed. Call it what you want, but all I'm saying is that etiquette is picked and chosen to suit people. That's life, yes. People need to respect other people's choices or views, or simple keep their mouths closed. If someone comes on here asking for advice about hosting their own shower and you don't agree, don't comment. Simple. They obviously have a valid reason for wanting to host their own. Does not make them a greedy or horrible person !

    So what you're saying is, they aren't really asking for advice, they just want their greedy/stupid choice validated? Sorry, it doesn't work that way.

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  • The thing about etiquette is that it really hasn't changed over the years -- Just the application of it to specific situations has.  The very basic rules are the same back when Emily Post wrote her first book in the 1920s.  For example:

    Rule of etiquette: "Don't talk aloud in a railway carriage, and thus prevent your fellow passengers from reading their book or newspaper." (Pulled from my 1920 edition of Etiquette)
    Current day applicaion:  If you're on the subway/in the airport/in a restaurant, don't talk so loudly that everyone can hear your conversation.  Ditto with pulling out your cell phone for a call.  Nobody in the restaurant wants to hear your cell conversation.  I promise.

    Rule of etiquette:  Only the people listed on invitations are invited.
    Current day application:  Just because you're a special snowflake and think that your SO/children/etc. should be invited, it's still not okay to call and see if there was a mistake or if they can come.  Yes, you probably know someone who did this and scored an extra invite because the hostess didn't want to create a scene, but it's still not okay.  The hostess will side eye you.

    Rule of etiquette:  It is a guest's responsibility to respond to an invitation.
    Current day application:  Even if it's an evite, you need to RSVP.  It's polite.  Yes, you probably have hosted an event where people don't.  And, yes, you're busy too.  But, no, it's not okay to not do it.  If you get an invite, call/email/smoke signal your intention to attend.  And then follow through and actually come, minus an extreme situation (a better offer is not an extreme situation).  And, (see #1) only RSVP for the people invited.  Both side eye worthy.

    Rule of etiquette:  You don't throw a gift giving party (fundraiser) for yourself.
    Current day:  You probably know someone that has, and you can even use it as justification for your own.  But, there is someone that'll be offended by, "I'm having a child, so bring me a gift."  Guests will likely side eye you.

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  • OP, where are you from?
    I am from New Zealand, and until reading the ettiquite board in the knot, I had no clue. Most people in my country have no clue. Does that make it normal? Yes. Is it still rude? Yes.

    I did find it hard at the start, to have all these things that I had seen at every single wedding be called rude, eg requests for money.

    Same with baby showers. Now I have actually never been to a baby shower or hens night hosted by the mum or bride, but it probably wouldn't have even crossed my mind that it was rude if they did.

    It has honestly even put me off throwing birthday parties. Which are bit really gift giving events in New Zealand, more come round to my house for a BBQ and drinks, but the party would still be in my honor.

    This year I waited a month after my birthday to have a party, and people still wished me happy birthday, do I guess you can't win.

    My point is, just because times have changed, and people do rude things everyday, doesn't make them less rude.
  • imageGB30:
    You're one of the reasons I wrote this post. So quick to say that kind of thing. I get it, it's 'bad etiquette', but what I'm saying it that times change and that's not the case everywhere. In fact, I don't even look at baby showers as just a gift giving event, I look at them as a celebration for a mother or mother and father to be. Bridal showers, I look at as a last girls night before she's married. I've been to showers and not taken gifts. Because I don't believe in this day and age they're all about gifts. More about fun. If you're pointing our about gift giving events, then why is it ok for the mother to be to make a registry but it's not rude because the host sends it out? Clearly they are asking for gifts. I'm just saying, it's different everywhere and I guess where I'm from it's a lot less traditional!

    I agree with you 100%. I think it's the intent behind the party that makes it acceptable/not. where I'm from is much more laid back and "proper ettiquette" does not always equal socially acceptable or visa versa.


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  • imageSingleMom31:

    The thing about etiquette is that it really hasn't changed over the years -- Just the application of it to specific situations has.  The very basic rules are the same back when Emily Post wrote her first book in the 1920s.  For example:

    Rule of etiquette: "Don't talk aloud in a railway carriage, and thus prevent your fellow passengers from reading their book or newspaper." (Pulled from my 1920 edition of Etiquette)
    Current day applicaion:  If you're on the subway/in the airport/in a restaurant, don't talk so loudly that everyone can hear your conversation.  Ditto with pulling out your cell phone for a call.  Nobody in the restaurant wants to hear your cell conversation.  I promise.

    Rule of etiquette:  Only the people listed on invitations are invited.
    Current day application:  Just because you're a special snowflake and think that your SO/children/etc. should be invited, it's still not okay to call and see if there was a mistake or if they can come.  Yes, you probably know someone who did this and scored an extra invite because the hostess didn't want to create a scene, but it's still not okay.  The hostess will side eye you.

    Rule of etiquette:  It is a guest's responsibility to respond to an invitation.
    Current day application:  Even if it's an evite, you need to RSVP.  It's polite.  Yes, you probably have hosted an event where people don't.  And, yes, you're busy too.  But, no, it's not okay to not do it.  If you get an invite, call/email/smoke signal your intention to attend.  And then follow through and actually come, minus an extreme situation (a better offer is not an extreme situation).  And, (see #1) only RSVP for the people invited.  Both side eye worthy.

    Rule of etiquette:  You don't throw a gift giving party (fundraiser) for yourself.
    Current day:  You probably know someone that has, and you can even use it as justification for your own.  But, there is someone that'll be offended by, "I'm having a child, so bring me a gift."  Guests will likely side eye you.

    These are great examples.  

    To the OP, your argument is the equivalent of (taking the first example above) saying "my friends and family all talk on their cell phones while ordering coffee at Starbucks.... it's accepted in my circle".  Perhaps your "circle" accepts it, but that just makes your circle rude and selfish. 

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  • imageMosyMama:

    I want to comment on a couple of points, but I'm not going to quote them because I'm not sure how to quote multiple people who didn't quote each other in the same post. (Note to self: search FAQs for that...)

    Re: "If you don't like it, don't respond." Generally speaking, I don't post on these boards to hear only what I want to hear and get validation for my choices. I want to hear different perspectives, and it's not realistic to expect only like-minded people to respond to my posts when I put something out there asking for feedback, opinions, and experiences. I like to hear from others and learn something from them, especially with respect to etiquette, because there is such variation in different social circles.

    Re: etiquette. While some traditional faux pas are now "acceptable" to some people, I agree that the general rules regarding manners and courtesy are firmly established and there's not much--if any--wiggle room. It's just that people care less about that and more about their own interests, which is an unfortunate societal trend. There is a pervasive sense of entitlement influencing the behavior of children and adults alike, and for many people, hosting your own baby shower and having showers for subsequent children are examples of that mentality. Doing either of those things conveys the message that you think other people should provide you with the things that you need, and proves that you have no problem asking them to do so, which is never acceptable.

    The difference is that here (and online in general) you will get honest responses and feedback (which are usually not "rude" even if it's hard for you to swallow), whereas your friends and family probably aren't going to tell you to your face that you're being selfish for having three baby showers in four years because you're having your first boy, you need more diapers, or whatever. I, for one, appreciate that honesty because I don't want to inadvertently disrespect my friends and family.

    This, alllll of this!  

  • imagerooftop:

    imageGB30:
    You're one of the reasons I wrote this post. So quick to say that kind of thing. I get it, it's 'bad etiquette', but what I'm saying it that times change and that's not the case everywhere. In fact, I don't even look at baby showers as just a gift giving event, I look at them as a celebration for a mother or mother and father to be. Bridal showers, I look at as a last girls night before she's married. I've been to showers and not taken gifts. Because I don't believe in this day and age they're all about gifts. More about fun. If you're pointing our about gift giving events, then why is it ok for the mother to be to make a registry but it's not rude because the host sends it out? Clearly they are asking for gifts. I'm just saying, it's different everywhere and I guess where I'm from it's a lot less traditional!

    I agree with you 100%. I think it's the intent behind the party that makes it acceptable/not. where I'm from is much more laid back and "proper ettiquette" does not always equal socially acceptable or visa versa.

    You may not think a baby shower is about gifts, but the definition of a baby shower is that it is a gift giving event.  You want to throw a party, go right ahead, but don't call it a baby shower because they are not "more about fun" no matter how much that is your definition.  The rest of the world defines them as gift giving events.

    The main purpose of proper etiquette is to be polite.  So, basically what your saying is manners are overrated.  Do you no longer say please or thank you?   

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  • I dont see the problem with it, but I have only ever been to two baby showers in my life.  If you can host your own birthday party, why cant you host your own baby shower?  I wouldnt say it was common, but I wouldnt be offended if someone invited me to a shower they were hosting for themselves/their baby.
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  • imageap142193:
    I dont see the problem with it, but I have only ever been to two baby showers in my life.  If you can host your own birthday party, why cant you host your own baby shower?  I wouldnt say it was common, but I wouldnt be offended if someone invited me to a shower they were hosting for themselves/their baby.

    ...I've never hosted my own birthday party. Am I missing something? How is that okay? If someone doesn't offer to plan a party for me, I don't have one. As I result, I didn't have birthday parties between 18  and 21, or since. (I'm 22, so I expect this trend to continue). Guess what, I'm going to be just fine! It just seems weird to me to plan a party to expect people to bring presents for me. Baby showers, same thing, obviously!


     

     

     
  • imageMosyMama:
    I want to comment on a couple of points, but I'm not going to quote them because I'm not sure how to quote multiple people who didn't quote each other in the same post. Note to self: search FAQs for that...Re: "If you don't like it, don't respond." Generally speaking, I don't post on these boards to hear only what I want to hear and get validation for my choices. I want to hear different perspectives, and it's not realistic to expect only likeminded people to respond to my posts when I put something out there asking for feedback, opinions, and experiences. I like to hear from others and learn something from them, especially with respect to etiquette, because there is such variation in different social circles.Re: etiquette. While some traditional faux pas are now "acceptable" to some people, I agree that the general rules regarding manners and courtesy are firmly established and there's not muchif anywiggle room. It's just that people care less about that and more about their own interests, which is an unfortunate societal trend. There is a pervasive sense of entitlement influencing the behavior of children and adults alike, and for many people, hosting your own baby shower and having showers for subsequent children are examples of that mentality. Doing either of those things conveys the message that you think other people should provide you with the things that you need, and proves that you have no problem asking them to do so, which is never acceptable. The difference is that here and online in general you will get honest responses and feedback which are usually not "rude" even if it's hard for you to swallow, whereas your friends and family probably aren't going to tell you to your face that you're being selfish for having three baby showers in four years because you're having your first boy, you need more diapers, or whatever.nbsp;I, for one, appreciate that honesty because I don't want to inadvertently disrespect my friends and family.


    Amen!
  • imageGB30:
    I find it really interesting reading so many posts about people not planning or hosting their own baby showers. Where I'm from, it's really common and not frowned upon.

    I won't be hosting my own, my mum, MIL and sister will be. Just because they've said they would want to.

    But, I'm just a bit astounded that there is such a strong reaction to hosting your own baby shower. I've heard of many women hosting their own and never once have I thought negatively of them for it. Nor have I ever heard anyone else say anything negative. I guess I look at it the same as a wedding, it's typical these days to request money for a wishing well, I've never been to a wedding that's had otherwise.

    Not saying that it's not frowned upon in some places, but it's 100 not where I am. Just interesting the different perspectives :



    This board is extremely traditional ..I got a lot of flack for having a second baby shower although my youngest child is 11 and his child is 16. I know what tradition says but some many families are non traditional you just have to go with what works for your situation.
  • imagenicholssquared:

    imageap142193:
    I dont see the problem with it, but I have only ever been to two baby showers in my life.  If you can host your own birthday party, why cant you host your own baby shower?  I wouldnt say it was common, but I wouldnt be offended if someone invited me to a shower they were hosting for themselves/their baby.

    ...I've never hosted my own birthday party. Am I missing something? How is that okay? If someone doesn't offer to plan a party for me, I don't have one. As I result, I didn't have birthday parties between 18  and 21, or since. (I'm 22, so I expect this trend to continue). Guess what, I'm going to be just fine! It just seems weird to me to plan a party to expect people to bring presents for me. Baby showers, same thing, obviously!



    ::highjacks thread:: huh??! I have planned awesome bday parties for both myself and DH, and most people don't bring gifts. In fact, we supply the food, booze, entertainment, etc. We had a Vegas themed bday party last year where we had gambling stations and the person with the most chips at the end won a prize. How is that NOT okay?

    And back on topic, throwing a shower for oneself is in poor form, IMO.
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  • imagerooftop:

    imageGB30:
    You're one of the reasons I wrote this post. So quick to say that kind of thing. I get it, it's 'bad etiquette', but what I'm saying it that times change and that's not the case everywhere. In fact, I don't even look at baby showers as just a gift giving event, I look at them as a celebration for a mother or mother and father to be. Bridal showers, I look at as a last girls night before she's married. I've been to showers and not taken gifts. Because I don't believe in this day and age they're all about gifts. More about fun. If you're pointing our about gift giving events, then why is it ok for the mother to be to make a registry but it's not rude because the host sends it out? Clearly they are asking for gifts. I'm just saying, it's different everywhere and I guess where I'm from it's a lot less traditional!

    I agree with you 100%. I think it's the intent behind the party that makes it acceptable/not. where I'm from is much more laid back and "proper ettiquette" does not always equal socially acceptable or visa versa.

    Except that a shower is intended as a gift-giving event. If you want to have a party to celebrate your baby and do not truly care about getting presents, have a Meet the Baby party about 6-8 weeks after the baby is born. It is perfectly acceptable for the parents-to-be to host this event as gifts are not the point of the party. A shower is. Why do people not get this?

    And yes, "proper etiquette" does equal socially acceptable.

     
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