Intro & when did you tell the ex?
KrystalCrockett
member
Hello! I have been lurking on this board for a few weeks now. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years now, and are expecting our first LO in January. I have a 10 year old DD from a previous marriage that my DH has been around since she was 5 and he treats her like his own.
Long story short, her dad is a POS. He moved many states away when she was young (we split before she was a year old). We haven't seen him in two years, and it was 4 years since we had seen him before that. He says he will call every week, but that may be two or three weeks apart. He breaks her heart all the time saying he will come when he knows he doesn't have the money to.
So, all that to ask of those who have BTDT, when did you tell your ex you were PG? He doesn't see me, we aren't friends on FaceBook even though he tries, and we have only one mutual friend, and they don't talk much either. I really don't care to share anything about my life with him that doesn't have to do with DD, not that he really stops talking about himself long enough on the phone calls to listen to anything we say.
Re: Intro & when did you tell the ex?
That's a valid point. I don't have to. My DD almost did tonight on the phone, but I stopped her.
Immediately after the call I talked to her. I told her it wasn't a secret, I was just telling people at different times. I did feel bad as soon as I shook my head.
I have this fear that her dad would try and manipulate her feelings (one day is the best thing, the next her life is OVER). There's some more background that I don't want to drone on about, but right now he hasn't pushed for visitation (again, he's thousands of miles away), and I'm afraid if he caught her on a bad day she'd push to go stay with him. Which would be a whole other can of worms.
I agree with other PP's as well.
At her age, I would think that depending on the individual child, it would be ok for you to give her a reason for why you didn't want her to say anything, why you are only telling certain people at certain times.
I don't know your daughter, but I know at 10, I knew that sometimes pregnancies don't go as planned and you might tell her you don't want everyone to know until all your ducks are in a row. Different wording, but something that would give her a reason now that you have held her back anyway.
I think it was wrong to hold her back in the first place not onky because it is keeping a secret but also because you are curbing her enthusiasm for her new sibling. I would think the next time she talks to him, let her tell him.if she wants. You don't have to. It sounds like you are more than the majority parent here, so I would feel no obligation to tell him. But I would let it come naturally as it would.
IMO once you tell your kid, the secret's out, you have to be ok w the idea that everyone is going to know. So for example if you are only telling the grandparents until first tri is over, you can't tell the kid either. I totally get telling different people at different times, but the kid should be in the final category.
I also agree w pper that 'shooshing' your dd put her in the middle and that's something we should never do... I understand having a manipulative exh, but it is what it is, you can't control his behavior. If I were you at this point i'd tell him, and then tell your dc that you told him so she can go ahead and feel comfortable talking w him about it. I think you backed yourself into a bit of a corner by 'shooshing' and need to just make it right for your dc ASAP.
^^This.
If you're worried about BD's reaction, then you should tell him yourself before DD has the chance to. Example: BM is completely BSC and we knew she would need a few days (years) to process the news of my pregnancy. DH emailed BM about 5 minutes after I picked K up from school and told her that we were expecting a baby and that we were telling K that weekend. K was able to have 3 days of being really excited before going back to BM and having BM turn it into something ugly.
Once a child is told there's a baby coming, they are going to tell. We let the kids tell whoever they wanted about the baby, whenever they wanted. But we made sure the necessary players were informed first (BD and BM) so that the kids weren't the messengers. I agree with Gin though, DD needs to feel like she's allowed to share everything and anything with BD. If she starts feeling like she's not allowed to share things with him, it won't be long before she feels like she can't share things with you either.
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