Parenting

Baby father drama

The boat has longed sailed for a relationship with my ex and myself. But he now has a new girlfriend. He has always said since our son, he does not want to get married or have any other children. Our son is three and every night, in the middle of the night, he climbs into bed with us we are working on this behavior. I recently found out from our son he was even dating this woman and that she is spending the night regularly. My ex and I have always had an open honest relationship, but he pet this from me. My issues are 1. She's in bed when our son crawls in bed with daddy and 2. My ex wasn't honest with me.
What do I do? He has said he wouldn't like it if the tables were turned. How can we do what's best for our son?
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Re: Baby father drama

  • It's going to eventually happen. I don't see the big deal. Now, wen you date and he crawls into bed with you and your BF/FI/DH and he has a problem with it. Then I would be pissed.
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  • He told me he'd have an issue with it.
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  • imagemccullka:
    He told me he'd have an issue with it.

    Are you still married/dating him? No. Then he has no say in what happens between you and your next SO. If he makes a stink then tell him he can suck it. I do this to my ex on a regular basis. 

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  • I can understand that it is hard, but if you've decided to move on this is part of the process. Maybe you can schedule a time to meet his GF so you can be more comfortable with her being around your son. 

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  • I trust he would not have any "bad" people around our son. My biggest issue is that my son is only there a couple nights a week and he crawls into bed with them
  • imagemccullka:
    I trust he would not have any "bad" people around our son. My biggest issue is that my son is only there a couple nights a week and he crawls into bed with them

    So if she isn't bad, what is your concern? Not trying to be snarky, just trying to understand.  

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  • That she's in bed when my son comes in in the middle of the night. I don't like that he's in bed with someone I don't know and he's only met a couple times. Why can't she just not spend the night the couple nights he's there
  • I brought that up to him and he said Our son will just have to deal with it when the time comes. I don't want our son to get hurt if he does get attached and then she's not there. Plus we don't have these conversations around him.
  • imagemccullka:
    That she's in bed when my son comes in in the middle of the night. I don't like that he's in bed with someone I don't know and he's only met a couple times. Why can't she just not spend the night the couple nights he's there

    Do they possibly live together? How many times have you met her if you just found out about her? I don't think any of us will be able to tell you anything that will make you feel better about this. This is bound to happen eventually if it is this girl or one further down the road. Have a conversation with your ex and the GF at the same time, address your concerns and boundaries. Also, come up with something better than "I know you're not a bad person". Are you worried about him being attached to her? 

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  • No they don't live together. They both have their own homes. But she spends the night regularly from what I'm told by my ex. I've suspected it for a couple months. But I asked about it when my son asked me about her. He thinks mtg is crazy.
  • Honestly, this isn't a big deal, and not your business. If you didn't have such a "fair" and normal co parenting situation then it would be different. For me I told my ex that if his skank came anywhere near our daughter then he wouldn't get to see her, but I have full custody and he doesn't get visitation. This isn't that type of situation and you just have to move on. It's not like they have sex on him or something.
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  • I wouldn't be comfortable with my son being in bed with some random woman I didn't know either. I also wouldn't want SO to introduce DS to someone he wasn't serious with, as I wouldn't either. It's not healthy to keep introducing girlfriend after girlfriend to your child.

    I agree there needs to be a more detailed custody agreement here. If you're not comfortable with your son being around his girlfriends, that needs to be addressed...how long would it take for you to be comfortable? Or is this a personal thing for you that you'll never be confortable with? [because in that instance, it seems like you're not over your BD].
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  • imagebigbootyjudi:
    I wouldn't be comfortable with my son being in bed with some random woman I didn't know either. I also wouldn't want SO to introduce DS to someone he wasn't serious with, as I wouldn't either. It's not healthy to keep introducing girlfriend after girlfriend to your child.

    I agree there needs to be a more detailed custody agreement here. If you're not comfortable with your son being around his girlfriends, that needs to be addressed...how long would it take for you to be comfortable? Or is this a personal thing for you that you'll never be confortable with? [because in that instance, it seems like you're not over your BD].

    I couldn't have said it better.


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  • imagemccullka:
    The boat has longed sailed for a relationship with my ex and myself. But he now has a new girlfriend. He has always said since our son, he does not want to get married or have any other children. Our son is three and every night, in the middle of the night, he climbs into bed with us we are working on this behavior. I recently found out from our son he was even dating this woman and that she is spending the night regularly. My ex and I have always had an open honest relationship, but he pet this from me. My issues are 1. She's in bed when our son crawls in bed with daddy and 2. My ex wasn't honest with me. What do I do? He has said he wouldn't like it if the tables were turned. How can we do what's best for our son?

    Why are you discussing your ex's living arrangements and dating life with a 3-year-old??  Just because he told you thing then, doesn't mean he didn't have a right to change his mind later if he met someone.  

    Stop talking to your son about what happens at his dad's with the new woman. VERY frowned upon by courts and any reasonable adult. 

    What would you have to say if he says that she's moving in with him and that's that?  Then she has a right to be in her own home and your son needs to stay in his own room.  So, in the meantime, I think it's better that he still has his father's comfort available.  If you don't think he'd have someone bad around him, then what's the big deal?  She might turn out to be his step-mom one day. You kind of have to accept that.  

    Sounds like this is the first woman he's had around since you, and maybe that's the real issue here. 

  • I've asked to meet her so I can make my own opinions. My only issue is the bed thing. My son seems to like her bc she plays games with him and has a pool. Which is good he like her, but I'm concerned this is a new relationship and do not want my sons feeling hurt if things don't work out.
  • imagemccullka:
    I've asked to meet her so I can make my own opinions. My only issue is the bed thing. My son seems to like her bc she plays games with him and has a pool. Which is good he like her, but I'm concerned this is a new relationship and do not want my sons feeling hurt if things don't work out.

    You stated earlier that this has been going on for months, which means it isn't "new".

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  • imagemccullka:
    I've asked to meet her so I can make my own opinions. My only issue is the bed thing. My son seems to like her bc she plays games with him and has a pool. Which is good he like her, but I'm concerned this is a new relationship and do not want my sons feeling hurt if things don't work out.

    He's 3.  She's just a casual person in his life.  Not a parent.  He won't even miss her. 

  • DS only brought it up with me bc he wanted to go swimming at her house. I told him I didn't know her. He then said ms. sleeps in daddy's bed. That caught my attention and discussed with my ex, not with a three year old
  • imageNana_Osaki06:

    imagemccullka:
    I've asked to meet her so I can make my own opinions. My only issue is the bed thing. My son seems to like her bc she plays games with him and has a pool. Which is good he like her, but I'm concerned this is a new relationship and do not want my sons feeling hurt if things don't work out.

    You stated earlier that this has been going on for months, which means it isn't "new".




    Months meaning a total of 2
  • imageBrandi Bee:
    I'd be livid if H was letting Isla sleep with him and his new woman, honestly, especially if I barely knew her or hadn't met her. nbsp;That sounds creepy to me for some reason.


    I agree! And its not even a jealousy thing.. its flat out creepy to me. Sleeping in the same bed is not something a child should be doing with someone they've only known a couple months. Even if daddy is there too... just weird in my opinion.
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  • I don't like him being in bed with them either. Seems weird. Honestly I think you should work on him sleeping alone. He is old enough and then mom and dads beds are free to have guests.




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  • Deja vu. Didn't someone post a similar situation couple months ago?

    I'd be upset and uncomfortable that my kid was sleeping in the same bed with an adult he barely knows.

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  • suv75suv75 member
    I'm surprised with the amount of people that are ok with this. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my son being in bed with her. If they got married and she became his step mom, that's one thing. But it isn't healthy and kinda creepy that she and your ex are comfortable with it. If I were her, I wouldn't spend the night on the few days he has DS.
  • imageScout2005:
    It's not about him missing her, IMO, it's about the insecurity that will develop from forming attachments only to have then yanked away. There's no way that doesn't have lasting impact of its done on the regular. I wouldn't like it, OP, though I'm not sure there's much you can do about it.

    Kids at the age of 3 can handle things like that, assuming it's not "on the regular".  

    Imagine a day care and suddenly a teacher is no longer there. She was there periodically for 2 months and then she's gone. The kid will be fine. Or some kid they see at the park several times for 2 months is no longer going to the park. No big deal. They probably won't even notice.  

    This sounds like it's his first girlfriend since they split, so there is no reason to believe he's parading a string of women in front of him.  

     

    I'm not saying it's great, but if the kid is scared or something, it's not a big deal. I'm sure they move him back once he's asleep or calm.  If the kid has a toddler bed, it's not like dad can just go lay with him in his room. 

  • imagesuv75:
    I'm surprised with the amount of people that are ok with this. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my son being in bed with her. If they got married and she became his step mom, that's one thing. But it isn't healthy and kinda creepy that she and your ex are comfortable with it. If I were her, I wouldn't spend the night on the few days he has DS.

    Me too. In fact, I can say with experience children are affected at that young of an age. DHs XW is a serial dater. SD was exposed to every single one of them before XW had a chance to figure out if it was a viable relationship first. A couple of months dating is too soon for a kid to meet a SO IMO.


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  • imagesuv75:
    I'm surprised with the amount of people that are ok with this. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my son being in bed with her. If they got married and she became his step mom, that's one thing. But it isn't healthy and kinda creepy that she and your ex are comfortable with it. If I were her, I wouldn't spend the night on the few days he has DS.

    I wouldn't be ok with it necessarily, however it is to be expected that your ex is going to move on and these things will happen eventually. OP sounds like they've been over for a long time and the kid is only 3. As cool and "open" as it sounds, and as she said she trusts him not to bring bad people around. I'm giving the dad the benefit of the doubt and thinking he is somewhat serious about this girl.  She really needs to have a talk with both the dad and the girl OR revisit her custody agreement. I'm guessing since she hasn't answered any questions about that agreement that there isn't one in place. As sucky as it is, it just doesn't sound like there is much that she can do.  

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  • imagewife07mom09:
    I disagree with other posters. It is totally unreasonable to be okay with your ex having a live in stay the night with your child there. It is inappropriate. Your child cannot help that his parents separated but he and you need to keep all SO's out of their life at least for a while. The girlfriend needs to stay at her house until he gets married. If your ex cannot abide I'd call him to court to make sure the order said he or you were not permitted to have people for overnights.

    Not everyone needs to be married, dude.


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  • imagemissyishere:
    imagewife07mom09:
    I disagree with other posters. It is totally unreasonable to be okay with your ex having a live in stay the night with your child there. It is inappropriate. Your child cannot help that his parents separated but he and you need to keep all SO's out of their life at least for a while. The girlfriend needs to stay at her house until he gets married. If your ex cannot abide I'd call him to court to make sure the order said he or you were not permitted to have people for overnights.
    Not everyone needs to be married, dude.

    QFT. It's rare to find people that don't at least halfway live together before marriage.  

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  • shakesshakes member

    imagewife07mom09:
    I disagree with other posters. It is totally unreasonable to be okay with your ex having a live in stay the night with your child there. It is inappropriate. Your child cannot help that his parents separated but he and you need to keep all SO's out of their life at least for a while. The girlfriend needs to stay at her house until he gets married. If your ex cannot abide I'd call him to court to make sure the order said he or you were not permitted to have people for overnights.

    While I wouldn't at all be comfortable with my son hanging out in bed with a woman he doesn't know well, I think this is a serious stretch. Married? Really? Dad's long time girlfriend and DS jumps in bed on a sat morning to read books and giggle, sure. Crawls in to bed at night after a bad dream, ok. Bed sharing with Dad's semi new girlfriend, not ok. But they certainly do not need to be married for me to deal with it after a serious relationship has been established.

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  • imagesuv75:
    I'm surprised with the amount of people that are ok with this. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my son being in bed with her. If they got married and she became his step mom, that's one thing. But it isn't healthy and kinda creepy that she and your ex are comfortable with it. If I were her, I wouldn't spend the night on the few days he has DS.

    I agree. 2 months is not ok. I agree that you have to be ok with him moving on and if that is the cause of you having the problem you would have to get over it, but I think 2 months is too soon even if he feels serious about her at the time. He is only with the child a few nights she can handle being at her own house those nights.

    Also 3 year olds are smarter than people give them credit for. Daddy's girlfriend who is all of a sudden gone is much different then a teacher leaving after a few months.


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  • I'm the one that posted about a similar experience with my STBX a couple of months ago.

    He'd been dating his new GF for about three to four months, when she moved in with him he's having DD call her Momma "name". At that time, DD never slept in her own bed, so I was uncomfortable with the thought of her sleeping in bed with STBX new GF.

    We've since been able to somewhat talk about things, and DD does sleep in her own bed at his house, at least part of the night. I have no problem with her crawling in bed on a weekend morning with them to snuggle...I'm not trying to be unreasonable.

    I think the biggest issue really is introducing new partners to your LO so soon. In my case, I feel my ex is doing my DD an injustice moving new GF in so soon having DD call her momma, but I realize I can only do so much. I assume the OP feels the same, but also realizes there's not too much she can do. Good luck to you OP! I know it's tough, but it will get easier :
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  • imageShesBackAgain:

    imageScout2005:
    It's not about him missing her, IMO, it's about the insecurity that will develop from forming attachments only to have then yanked away. There's no way that doesn't have lasting impact of its done on the regular. I wouldn't like it, OP, though I'm not sure there's much you can do about it.

    Kids at the age of 3 can handle things like that, assuming it's not "on the regular".  

    Imagine a day care and suddenly a teacher is no longer there. She was there periodically for 2 months and then she's gone. The kid will be fine. Or some kid they see at the park several times for 2 months is no longer going to the park. No big deal. They probably won't even notice.  

    This sounds like it's his first girlfriend since they split, so there is no reason to believe he's parading a string of women in front of him.  

     

    I'm not saying it's great, but if the kid is scared or something, it's not a big deal. I'm sure they move him back once he's asleep or calm.  If the kid has a toddler bed, it's not like dad can just go lay with him in his room. 

    Um, my kid isnt 3 yet, and he notices when his regular friends arent at church or the park even for one day. It takes him a while to let go. FFS he is still upset that no more Backyardigans on Netflix, if one of his dc friends left after only being there a month or two, he would be pretty effing upset even if only for a few days.

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  • imagewife07mom09:
    imageHilarityEnsued:

    Ladies wife07 is an outrageous person. She was part of the basis for the UO from another reg about posters having wife or mommy in their screen name being trollish. 

    She may be silver but she has troll roots and genetics.  

     

    what are you talking about? I am not a troll whatever that means.  I dont know what UO means either so not sure what you are talking about.

    I am a regular person and have been around since my DD was born several years ago. 

    I am very conservative and base my opinions on the Bible. So I do agree with what I said about living together before marriage. Whether you believe it is right or wrong, it is totally inappropriate with a child. I support the OP in feeling uncomfortable wth this situation and needing to go back to court to address.

    Except that psychologically you will do more damage to the child by marrying the person before the kid has had a lot of time to spend with that person; getting to know the new gf with both mom and dad there, then just gf and dad but no gf for over nights, then some gf overnights, then gf moves in (or dad moves in with gf), and then maybe marriage if they feel like it but only if they want to because a non-married but still committed relationship is not harmful for the kid. And spread this out over a year or three.


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  • imageSookieFrackhouse68:
    Lol

    Right?  What a maroon.

  • I really don't see the big deal. DH used to spend nights when we were dating. Rosie used to sleep in bed with us. Heck, we still aren't legally married and we've moved in with each other, got engaged, ect for the span of a few months (like 4). I don't see the big deal ijn the father moving on and finding someone else. In inviting her over to spend time with said kiddo. Heck if she spends the night and he crawls in the morning for daddy snuggles I don't see the issue. I think it's all part of learning how to co parent with someone new, ect.
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  • imagewife07mom09:
    imageHilarityEnsued:

    Ladies wife07 is an outrageous person. She was part of the basis for the UO from another reg about posters having wife or mommy in their screen name being trollish. 

    She may be silver but she has troll roots and genetics.  

     

    what are you talking about? I am not a troll whatever that means.  I dont know what UO means either so not sure what you are talking about.

    I am a regular person and have been around since my DD was born several years ago. 

    I am very conservative and base my opinions on the Bible. So I do agree with what I said about living together before marriage. Whether you believe it is right or wrong, it is totally inappropriate with a child. I support the OP in feeling uncomfortable wth this situation and needing to go back to court to address.

    Isn't that special.

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  • imageNana_Osaki06:
    I really don't see the big deal. DH used to spend nights when we were dating. Rosie used to sleep in bed with us. Heck, we still aren't legally married and we've moved in with each other, got engaged, ect for the span of a few months (like 4). I don't see the big deal ijn the father moving on and finding someone else. In inviting her over to spend time with said kiddo. Heck if she spends the night and he crawls in the morning for daddy snuggles I don't see the issue. I think it's all part of learning how to co parent with someone new, ect.

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