An open letter to grandparents....
somebuddiesgettingmarried
member
Dear DD's grandparents:
I know you're excited to see DD. We are equally excited to bring her to you. But let's lay down a few ground rules:
1. You're not the one who has to wake up 5 times a night to get her back down. The problem is made worse when she gets crap naps during the day. Please don't roll your eyes at me when I remind you to keep an eye out for her sleepy cues....
2. DH and I do a lot of research and don't make decisions about big things for DD lightly- if we mention that we're doing X, please don't tell me why we should do Y and "I did Y in my day..."
3. You were a parent of a 4 month old 32 years ago. I know we both turned out great but maybe DH and I can have some credit for that? They do things differently now and we're following suit. Give us a chance to show you we can figure things out instead of barking orders...
Thank you and we love you.
Fellow bumpies- feel free to add additional requests!! 
Re: An open letter to grandparents....
When it's ninety degrees out please don't dress him like it's ten below freezing.
DS born: February 2013
TTC #2: Nov. 14
Chemical pregnancy 09/16/15
BFP: 12/25/15 EDD: 09/04/16
I'm sure there are a ton more, but I will stop here. Great post! Hahaha!
OMG, I would go insane over the bolded.
LOL. This sounds like something my Grammy would do. Last time she saw DD she was fully clothed indoors (no socks though) and Grammy kept following me around with a blanket trying to cover her up.
Mine:
1. We don't want DD watching TV before she can talk. Please stop trying to show her Baby Einstein.
2. Stop hinting at me pumping milk or weaning to formula. Not going to happen til it happens so just simmer down.
3. Please come visit your Granddaughter instead of complaining about how we never come over. Maybe its been too long and you don't remember how hard it is to get out with a baby or how much she gets overwhelmed while out versus at home, but that's not really an excuse as we have reminded you many times now.
4. Please quit smoking. At least smoke Ecigarettes. At least wash your hands before touching DD. At least admit that smoking around a child is a bad idea. Something????
5. My baby is not a bad baby (FTR there are no bad or good babies
so its a moot point), nor is she crying for no reason. Get over yourselves.
6. Anybody who ever considered How to Train up a Child as a good idea is NEVER coming near my baby without me right there. Sorry.
7. Thank you for giving me some hard lessons on what not to do as a parent and when I become a grandparent.
I know I sound mean or angry. Unfortunately all the amnesia DH and I had about how incompetent our parents were as parents has gone away now that we see them with our kid. Even if our parents were offering to babysit (except apparently the hints about weaning and pumping) DH and I are not thrilled about his parents watching and are actually afraid of my family watching. So I guess I am kinda mean and angry. Did my list get progressively worse?
I'm sorry ya'll. I guess I need to blow off some steam. I'm sure I'm gearing up for the birthday party at the ILs we're attending for our niece. I guess I'll be agro all weekend.
This was a big thing for my DH. He switched to e-cigs when DD was about 3 weeks old because he got tired of constantly having to change his clothes and wash his hands every time he smoked. Got one he loves. I don't think I'm supposed to post the brand on here (rules or something...) but PM if you're interested. He spent a while researching it and tried a few before he found the one that worked for him!
I got an eyeroll for mentioning DD is too young for sunscreen yesterday. Nearly smacked my FIL. He's well intentioned but frustrating.....
When you beg and beg DH to help - then I ask if you can watch DD for a few hours so we can get a bite. Don't say "no, she cries!"
Or...
I finally get her down for a nap and you have to stand over her crib. Then say to me "she's awake" like your surprised.
Thanks, and tell your DH congrats. As a former smoker I know how hard it is.
The sad thing is that my mom has enough Ecigs and liquid nicotine flavors to start her own business. She claims to love her "vapes" more than cigarettes. But cigs are just more addictive than ecigs and more satisfying for the cravings and you can really only switch to ecigs if you are properly motivated.
The truth is that my mom doesn't care enough to switch over. She actually told me when she heard I was pregnant (sometime after suggesting abortion) that "Drinking while pregnant is really bad! If you get too stressed out its okay to have a cigarette every once in a while."
Yeah. she's a piece of work.
Also: stop saying how bad you feel for E when she's in the carseat because "it just seems so uncomfortable how tight the shoulder straps are". Those shoulder straps are what's going to keep her from going airborn incase of an accident. I've shown her exactly how the straps are supposed to be and why they need to be that tight but it still makes me wary if her driving with E.
Luckily, my parents and IL's are both really great and have never made any rude or overbearing comments. However, DH's Nana can be REALLY annoying and I don't think I would trust her to watch DD (which is sad, considering she raised 4 kids and has lots of grandkids and great-grandkids).
Please don't tell me DD is "too small" to sit in her highchair or her jumper. I have eyes, if I think she is too small for something I won't put her in it anymore. Also, don't tell me she's cold. Just because you dressed your baby in 3 layers, plus a sweater and blankets, in the middle of July, doesn't mean that's what I'm going to do.
First round of Clomid in May 2012= BFP #1, DD born January 2013
BFP #2 in January 2014, DS born September 2014
Amen, sistah. My parents were fans of TTUAC, and suffice to say, neither are coming anywhere near DS... or me, for that matter.
I think I've heard of this, but I don't know what it's about.... what's the premise behind it?
First round of Clomid in May 2012= BFP #1, DD born January 2013
BFP #2 in January 2014, DS born September 2014
AHHHHH there are too many to write. Mine will go to grandparents and SILs.
- No, DD is not cold all the time. She does not need 30 layers of clothing. Stop.
- No, the reason that she's not crawling yet is NOT because "someone is always holding her". The reason is that she's !@#^ 5 months old! I don't care if your son walked at 8 months.
- No, you can not feed her ice cream, yogurt, burgers, fries and chicken nuggets.
- No, she doesn't eat on a set schedule yet. When she's hungry, she eats.
- No, she doesn't nap on a set schedule yet. When she's tired, she sleeps. Which, by the way, is about every 1 1/2 to 2 hours...there's her schedule.
- Just because she's crying doesn't mean her legs are falling off. Babies cry. If she's crying then she's hungry, uncomfortable or sleepy. Don't make such a big deal out of it and talk down to me like I'm doing something wrong. (MIL always goes "Oooooh no! What's wrong?!?! OMG is she OKAY?!? Ohhhh poor baby. What is wrong with her? OH I feel so bad for her! Ohhh baby! So sad!" And she's usually the one holding her when she starts crying!)
-Don't give me unsolicited advice. Ever. Seriously, don't even think about it.
- I've kept her alive and happy for 5 months... GET OFF MY BACK!
Holy moly. I just googled this. Scary how popular it is!
It was written by a husband and wife team. Here is an article by the husband on training a 3 month old not to cry:
https://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/training-at-3-months/?topic_slug=babies-screaming
Here is a list of quotes from the actual book (from a website with a disagreeing, yet Christian perspective):
https://whynottrainachild.com/2010/04/20/quotes-from-ttuac/
Please stop implying that my inferior BM is responsible for her reflux and for her only being 10th percentile for weight. Please stop trying to push me to feed her formula and making nasty comments about BFing.
Please stop calling me twice a day and then leaving guilt trippy VMs when I don't answer.
Please stop inviting yourself to DC to visit. Please stop guilt tripping me into inviting other people to visit. Please stop inviting other people to visit and not telling me until the last
Please stop saying that the day care workers are going to ignore and/or abuse my daughter and that I should get a camera to spy on them.
Please stop 'whispering' jokingly to DD about how DD is a good baby and the reason she cries, doesn't nap, etc is because I'm a bad mom.
I want to smack them for you! WTF, man!
whomever in your family said the BF comments must hang out with my beloved family member who said almost the same thing to me! Haven't talked to this person in almost 3 months.
Please stop rubbing his hair. Yes he has a lot of hair and yes it's wild and crazy. You don't need to keep rubbing it. Stupid I know but it's a pet peeve of mine
FIL if you're not comfortable holding DS, don't. In fact, I'd rather you not.
And while I'm at it SIL please keep your WILD and CRAZY boys out of DS' face all the time. Calm them down. He's a baby!! Give him room to move and breathe!!
Ahh I feel better! Thanks. DH's while family is coming over tonight so I'm glad I got that off my chest. ::mobile smiley::
^This kind of doo-doo makes me stabby.
@kleigh926 I was going to post a link with my original post but realized that I didn't want to look it up for fear of stirring up old memories and making myself feel bad. I'm really hormonally charged today.
@Runaway22 Thanks for explaining it, see above. And I am so sorry you went through that too. My sister (whom I would have totally let watch my kid until she had her own DSD and a side of her I might never have guessed at came out) got divorced over her belief in that crap thanks to my mom (smart XBIL). I still see both of them (mom and sis) somewhat regularly but they are always brief visits for me and DD and DD is never out of my sight with either of them.
Um.... wow. Parts of that second one made me sick, like the "designer rod" part. That is so wrong.
First round of Clomid in May 2012= BFP #1, DD born January 2013
BFP #2 in January 2014, DS born September 2014
It's pretty awful stuff, man. And so, so sad that it perpetuates through generations. Then again, abuse tends to.
Aw, I think we just bonded. lol
We totally did.
Yeah, the whole thing just made want to vomit. Those people should be in jail.
4 when u babysit him weekly please dress him in the clothes I sent you and not dress him in the wardrobe you've decided you need at your house.
5 he's my and SO boy, please stop referring to him as "our" boy, you didn't make him.
DS born: February 2013
TTC #2: Nov. 14
Chemical pregnancy 09/16/15
BFP: 12/25/15 EDD: 09/04/16
w....t....f....
First off let me say- great thread. :-) good therapy. Lol
these are for my MIL specifically:
1. Please do not withhold DS from me when he starts getting fussy bc he's hungry and you know he's hungry bc I just told you 3 times that he's hungry!!!!
2. Please do not tell DS "mommys not feeding you, what a B*+?h" after I just clearly told you 3 times that I need to feed him but you refuse to hand him over!!!! WTH.
3. Please do not just show up at my house without calling first.. Furthermore- do not just walk into my house in the middle of the afternoon while DS and I are napping on the couch (without even knocking on the door- I open my eyes and there she is- standing over me !!!!! WHF?!?!?!?!?!?!?) oh- and definitely don't do this 2 days in a row you crazy woman!!!!!
4. When you do actually call first- it would be nice if you would give me a heads up a fews hrs in advance- not "hey- are you guys home? I'm on my way right now!" (I don't mind every once in a while, but not EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.!!!!) geesh.
5. When I stop in at your work place (drugstore) and you're holding DS, PLEASE do not keep walking/running away from me for 30 mins straight to keep DS away from me- and when DS reaches for me, DO NOT tell him "you don't need your mama" and then tell me that your not giving him back to me (for the duration of the visit) bc I get to hold him all day,every day!!!" Who the hell do you think you are?!?!? If he reaches for me, I'm taking him back!!!!
This really was therapeutic. Thanks.
Argh, MIL said something to that effect a couple of days ago when DD was crying for me. She was like "You get to see your mommy ALL the time!!" I came right out and told her that was a gross overestimation because I work for a living and am regularly separated from her for 8 hours a day. I was also tempted to add something about how she quit her job shortly after her first was born because SHE couldn't handle being away, not to fuel the mommy wars [I don't have anything against SAHMs, as much as it's not something I can see myself doing], but to point out how hypocritical is was of her to make a comment like that when she couldn't handle being separated from her kids and got to see them way more than I get to see mine. Ugh.
But I didn't say that last part, as tempting as it was.
Mine: when DD is fussy or crying and I explain that she is tired, hungry, etc.., please do not say to her in a cutesy voice "Nooooo! Your mommy doesn't know what you need, does she???" Yes. Yes, I do know, because I am her mother. She needs food and a nap, and please don't say hit like that when she's old enough to actually understand you.
The idea that anyone could do that is mind-blowing, so is the effect it has on the kids.
Growing up I thought it was normal, especially since we were homeschooled. The first inclination I had that it was bad was when I was in private school and my mom made me stay home when she put marks on my legs. She apologized up and down for marking me, but not for whipping me. She told me not to tell anyone about it because they would take me away and I would never see her or my brother and sister again. It worked well to keep me quiet seeing as she left my dad and didn't tell him where she was going so he was "never seeing us again". When I began to make friends outside my home I learned that it wasn't normal. As I got older I realized that she was treating me and my siblings badly. Finally, I came to realize that it was abuse. Now that I have a daughter I am shocked that anyone, especially my own mother would choose to do anything so terrible to their child.
As for why and how someone can do that, its a cycle. I know my mom has untreated PTSD from abuse she received outside of the home and also hang-ups from her parents basically neglecting her emotional needs but the untreated part and her refusal to acknowledge her mistakes and her encouraging my sister to explore TTUAC with her (now ex) step-daughter, all boggle my mind.
I'm really not trying to unload this time, just opening a window into the hows and whys. Really, I think talking about it may be the best preventative measure for abuse in our society.
This for sure!
All this ^^
i second this ^^^ Makes me sick!!
Mine would definitely be:
We live three and four hours away from all of you. We need to bring a baby, a PnP, multiple outfits, stoller, car seats, carrier, toys, video monitor, and a whole host of other items to make it comfortable for DS at your houses. You have to bring yourselves. Please feel free to come by our neck of the woods sometime. This may blow your minds, but the highways travel both ways!
Seriously?!? While I get the impression my in laws aren't thrilled about me BFing since they don't get to feed DD, I'm so glad they don't try to banish me or try to buy us formula. They just make comments that sort of subtly undermine my decision, but, well, too bad.
Should be interesting when they find out I'm willing to let DD nurse until she's at least 18 months or so before I start to wean her, if she doesn't wean herself first.
My ILs have recently done the same. FIL would literally leave the room if I even mentioned the word "breast" let alone made any moves towards actually breastfeeding. At first it offended me a bit, now I think it's hilarious. I will pretend to get my "girls" out just to make him run so we can laugh....
MIL has lightened up about it though and realized it's just how baby eats.