How are you different than you expected?
MBush4
member
Recently a few women I am close with and I were talking about parenting as I sat there pumping (oh the joys of EPing). I was explaining to a few (whom I hadn't seen since before LO was born) how I had never even thought about EPing before I had to (I'm too cheap to buy formula) or even really read about C-sections or anything. One of my SILs said, "that which I criticize I become" and it made me think about how I am different than my childless self expected I would be. For example:
I wanted all-natural birth, baby on chest immediately after delivery and EBF for the first year minimum. I ended up with an emergency C-section, not holding LO for the first week, and EPing (I know it's BFing, but it's also not).
When I started EPing I hated it so much I planned on quitting within the first month, using formula, and started solids ASAP. I'm pumping with the goal of 9-12 months and delaying solids until 6 months.
I planned on sleep training, letting them CIO as early as humanely possible, having LO in their own room in their own crib. We still have no schedule, I am very much APing (without even realizing it until a friend pointed it out) and we bed share.
How are you different than you expected?
**For the record, just because I don't do it doesn't mean I think less of people who do. Everyone makes the best choice for their own family and what works for one mom and baby combo doesn't work for the next.**
Re: How are you different than you expected?
I never realized those hard and fast child rearing decisions we make can go right out the window after 3 hours of screaming or 3 sleepless nights!!
I wanted the epidural and scoffed at anyone who was crazy enough to strive for a natural childbirth. After my epidural stopped working my body had assumed meds had taken over in the pain management area so I had nothing to pull me through, next time I will not risk it and do a natural birth from the get go.
I thought I would never NEVER let my child sleep in bed with me, but I LOVE our morning nursing sessions in bed!
I thought I would never be quiet during the day, let her learn to nap with noise, but she just doesn't sleep as well or as long do yes, I tiptoe around her when she's asleep.
Good post!
I also thought I would have no problem letting my baby CIO. Turns out, I can hardly let her go for a couple minutes without it really getting to me!
I thought moms who cried when their babies got shots were wimps. I'm a nurse so stuff like that doesn't bother me. Except... when it's my own kid! I was VERY close to tears when she got her 2 month shots!
And a good thing that being a mom brought out in me- not giving up on something that's hard when it will benefit my child. I hated breastfeeding in the first month and almost quit so many times. I'm not proud to say that I don't have much patience and will easily give up if things aren't going the way I envisioned. But something kept me going and here we are over 5 months later, still BF'ing!
(FTR: I am totally not against FF'ing in any way, shape, or form. We had some struggles BF'ing but it wasn't anything that we couldn't get over. I don't judge anybody at all who stops BF'ing or who chooses to FF from the beginning! Just a personal victory for me that I didn't give up when I easily could have.)
First round of Clomid in May 2012= BFP #1, DD born January 2013
BFP #2 in January 2014, DS born September 2014
I thought LO would be in his room, in his crib, by three months. We are at 4.5 months and he is still sleeping in the PnP in our room (Mommy can't let go!).
I also planned on DH giving at least one bottle a day after the first six weeks so I could get a break...that never happens unless I happen to be away for a few hours. I just have to pump anyways so it is not that worth it.
I also said I would "never" let LO sleep in the bed with us...until I fell asleep with him on my chest one morning, and couldn't bear to wake him up from an accidental nap while we were hanging out in bed another morning and I was sleepy too. It wasn't as big of a deal as I expected.
Honestly, not that much is different for us, but to be fair, I didn't have a lot of expectations on "how things will be" when I was pregnant. I took the mindset of "expect the unexpected" and that we would make decisions as we went. It's worked out well so far!
I'm mostly surprised at how normal it seems to be his mom, and do all the "mom things" that I need to do.
I am also surprised at how un-grossed out I am by all the bodily functions. Sure, it's not fun to get peed on or to get poo on your arm, but really? It's NBD. That stuff used to seriously gross me out when it was other people's kids - even drool. When it's my kid, it's kind of cute.
I also didn't have tons of expectations (read 0 parenting books), so not a whole lot is all that different. I do wish I had read up on c/s before I was induced, though.
I didn't know BF was going to be so painful (cracked bleeding nipples for the first 3 weeks) at first. I'm proud and surprised that I made it through that and other BF challenges.
DD is skiddish/sensitive and my pre-baby inner voice wants her to buck up but my mommy side thinks it is adorable and I definitely cater to it. i.e. She is scared of sneezes and I think to myself that I wish that she was braver but then I hold in my own sneezes for her and give DH the stink eye when he sneezes and makes her jump or cry.
Though I am perfectly happy with the home birth I had and will be planning another for my next baby, I totally understand the mother who plans a med-free labor/birth at a hospital and then changes her mind at the last minute b/c when you're in pain like that and five people are asking you if you want them to try and make it go away by injecting meds into your spine the only answer in that moment is "yes!" I didn't get that part before I had my DD.
I thought I would be laid back about family and friends playing with/visting with/ handling etc. my LO, but I have come to find that I am really particular about how DD is treated and what loved ones do with her. Such as, I hate it when people get up in her face to talk to her (it mostly makes her cry anyway), try to get her to watch TV (mostly FIL), shove toy after toy under her eyes (also makes her cry), or talk baby talk in a high voice with an exaggerated face (she mostly cries at this too). I also hate it when (my mom or MIL do this more often than any) people just let her cry b/c they want to hold her. And they think the crying is cute. My MIL doesn't even try to soothe her b/c she thinks she's crying b/c she is "just a baby". My mom tries to soothe her using things that obviously won't work and claims she is just "not an easy baby". Ooo-kaaay. Ugh. I never thought that I would get so annoyed.
Also, I was always oblivious to babies crying. I thought it would come in handy as a mom, but my baby's crys are as nails on a chalk board to me.
As sweet as it is that your DD is sensitive, the bolded would irk me to no end. Yes, babies cry often, but that doesn't mean their cries are unimportant! Grrr.
I've always been a planner and I had so many plans for when DS was born....HA!
I thought I would EBF for at least 6 months before I went back to work...I had low supply issues and huge anxiety over nursing. DS ended up getting 2 weeks of all BM and 5 more weeks of a combo. He was fully weaned by 2 months. Stopping was still the best decision. It alleviated my increasing anxiety and allowed me to start enjoying motherhood more.
I thought DS would sleep in our room for the first 3 months but he was so loud and noisy. We moved him across the hall (two steps, literally) at 5 weeks old, but everyone slept better after!
I thought I'd wait 6 months for solids and we started right after he turned 4 months. He downs 40 ounces a day and loves his extra "snacks". He opens his mouth so wide for the spoon and it's pretty darn cute.
I knew having a baby would be a hard adjustment, but I really didn't get just how crazy it would be. I was definitely scared of my emotions. The lows were pretty low, but the highs are amazingly high. I am sometimes moved to tears just by looking at my son.
I'm also growing more as a person than I realized. It's like that song from the musical Wicked, "because I knew you - I have been changed for good."
(And now I'm misty-eyed!)
Sooo many things.
1) How much I love being a mom. I had zero experience with babies and this was an unplanned pregnancy. I actually cried when I told my husband I was pregnant and not tears of joy. In fact, I spent a majority of my pregnancy in some sort of shocked, slightly depressed state.
2) I knew I wanted to breastfeed but I had no idea how passionate I was about it until after J was born.
3) I'm crazy overprotective and I didn't see that coming. I'm pretty sure my childless self would think I am insane.
Thanks.
I get it that it seems like she's crying for no reason b/c every little thing bothers her, but if MIL would just look past the fact that she is a baby and see that she is also a person, its not too hard to realize once you get to know DD that she would rather you take her to a quiet spot, just the two of you and watch her look around instead of walking all over the house bouncing her and saying "Eeets awwight....eeets awwight" in the highest voice possible. B/c she thinks that's what you do with all babies and if they don't like it they are crying b/c they just cry that's what babies do.... And I don't want to say anything to her b/c I don't want to helicopter. And DH won't say anything even though it probably annoys him more b/c he thinks his parents don't listen...hmm?... sorry. I'm gonna stop venting now. LOL
Thanks for commiserating.
Bodily functions part totally! I almost gagged watching a video of a friends kid drooling on facebook. My daughter drools on my regulary and it doesn't bother me at all.
Also, I thought I'd have her sleeping in our room for a few months. At week 3 she went in her room becuase we kept waking eachother up everytime she would grunt or make any noise. I really planned to breast feed and thought it would be so easy and natural. NOT! It was horrible. I cried constantly, met with a few LC's, saw her doctor and broke down in tears. He said "you know formulas not poison", and I pumped for as long as I could take it. And I never thought I'd let her sleep in my bed. But when the babe wakes up at 5am to eat and snuggle, I can't resist. Plus a 45 minute nap can turn into a 3 hour nap if mom is in the bed with her.
Great post!!
1. I am not a fan cosleeping, but found myself a conapper. He would wake up and I'd bring him in our room for some cuddle time and next thing I knew he's be napping on me and then I'd doze off. The first time it happened I panicked and thought I was the worst mother ever. Than a mom friend told me you can't survive without sleep and it's okay.
2. I was NEVER anal, but boy am I now. Holy cow it's sickening.
3. I used to be very go with the flow and now when it comes to Henry I'm go with the flow, but tend to be more routined. Routine works for me and it's weird how much I never realized that I needed one.
4. A lot of the expectations I had as a mother have stuck through. I felt very confident becoming a mother and it makes me feel good knowing that I'm damn good at it.
5. I really wanted to BF for the first year and I only lasted 3 months. He has a dairy intolerance and I went cold turkey dairy free. It worked out great, until we started getting invited places and I had to bring my own food or not eat at gatherings. Sometimes I'd eat something because I thought it was dairy free and would find out when I had a screaming baby that it wasn't. I am SO happy that we made the change to formula. Everyone is happier and though I truly miss nursing, I have found new ways to bond with my son.
6. I didn't know it was possibly to love my husband more than I already do. He is INCREDIBLE and if I didn't realize it before, I sure do now. Our life is better because of our son and it was pretty awesome before.
I ideally wanted a med free birth, but absolutely wanted to avoid a csection unless it was truly an emergency. I wound up with Pitocin and an epidural toward the end, but the anesthesiologist did a great job of making it just strong enough for me to nap a bit, but then it started to wear off just as it was time I push, so I knew exactly when to push without having I be told. Being able to follow my instincts on that was nice, and I'm mostly glad I avoided a csection.
But BFing has worked out great so far, it was easier than I expected and DD is nearly five months old and hasn't needed any supplementation at all. Cloth diapering is working out greatest well, and so far I like being a working mom. Since my mom or DH watches DD when I work, and I have a super short commute, that allows me to nurse her on my lunch breaks. It's a good balance. And it's looking like we'll wait 6 months to start solids, which is what we wanted. Oh, and DD stayed in her own room from night one, just like we planned.
The biggest differences are that I can bring myself to let her CIO yet, mostly because if I let her go it just escalates. And I do let her nurse to sleep at bedtime, it makes it a lot easier for both of us. And this was really just wishful thinking on my part, but I really hoped she take after me and start STTN at six weeks. No such luck, it's only happened a handful of times. But we are down to usually just one wake up, so close enough!
i don't want to go out. I really thought I would miss being social, but I really don't. I much prefer a smaller more intimate group of friends.
my boyfriend has really been showing effort. He is a stay at home dad who takes full care of the house and even cooks for me. Waked up and works out with me in the mornings. Loves our son to death and makes extra money doing lawn maintenance whenever he can to help support him. I totally thought he would be miserable being a father, but he's doing a great job!
im stronger. I've always been a wimp and found excuses to get out of doing things but now I don't cop out because I feel obligated to be a good example. And I want to be.
I get so lost. I thought I'd just have this connection and always know what he wants, but its just this crazy guessing game. Very frustrating, but inm getting better
I never realized if be so jealous and possessive. I have to admit that I tend to compete with dad for baby's affection. It just seems to come easier to him, Not fair!
Totally agree with this. The air mattress is still in her room so when she cries I just run in there with my pillow and I'm there the rest of the night.
I never knew bf was soo hard. It's going much better now that the thrush is gone and we are off the shield.
I said I would never bed share but I love our morning snuggles/sleeping time.
I never understood how mothers said you just forget to eat. I do now. She's sleeping on me I don't want to move. Oh it's time for her to eat. Look how cute she is. I think about eating I just get distracted by her.
I thought having her I would never fight with my husband. OMG was I wrong. We fight soo much. And it's all because I'm sleep deprived from her and he's sleep deprived from working 15 to 18hr nigh shifts. We do talk but its a in the moment fight that's not fun.
I always knew we would be great parents but I'm just in aww how much my husband loves her and I love her too. We are being great protective parents to our beautiful baby girl.
There is soo much more but she just fell asleep so it's time for this mommy to go to sleep as well.
Great post!
Together since July 21 2002
All I know is, because of the type of control freak I am, I totally figured I'd be crazy controlling and possessive of my baby.
Totally not the case. I'm extremely laid back about pretty much everything except her naps, and even then, she can break her schedule if she has to, though I'm the one who pays for it in the end. My whole L&D was 'go with the flow' too. Normally, not having a plan stresses me out, but it was awesome. Who knew I'd be this relaxed with my baby?!
Agree that this is a great post! My friend is due any second so I've been thinking a lot about what it was like just before DS was born.
1. I am a born worrier, but sometimes with DS I just trust my instincts. And normally, I am so impatient, but with DS, I find I have infinite patience, which really surprised me.
2. I never thought I'd be almost militant about his sleep. But if it ain't broke, don't fix it. When he goes down at 7 and sleeps til 6, I'm not going to keep him up just so my MIL can show him off at parties. And no, we can't just move his bedtime.
3. I had these visions of DH giving bottles at 3 am so I could sleep. Has yet to happen, but I'm okay with that. Related, I had no idea BF could be so hard, and that it would matter so much when I thought I couldn't do it. Also thought I'd never NIP or pump in front of DH. Ha! It's all boob all the time since our son is a piglet and still eats every 2 hours.
Lastly, I had no idea I could love this deeply, or that being a mom would be something so utterly life altering in the best possible way.
(and, the "just a baby, it's okay if he cries" comments, make me CRAZY. Totally relate.)
I used to think that so much of the gear was totally unnecessary and now I'm like, "omg I NEED all of this!" :P
I planned on getting him on a schedule ASAP, but it turns out that our life just doesn't work that way and everyone is happier when we just go with the flow.
I thought we would bedshare, but I can't get any sleep when he's there, so he's been in his own bed since 3 weeks, in his own room since 7 weeks. I like early morning snuggle/nursing sessions though.
I knew I would BF, but I didn't know how passionate I would be about it. I LOVE nursing my baby and plan to continue until he weans himself.
Fun post!
I have worked with babies and children for the better part of 15 years. So when I got pregnant, I thought for sure I could handle 90% of whatever came my way. So, so, wrong. Five months in and I still feel like a baby deer on roller skates with DS sometimes. The stakes seems so much higher and the decisions so much harder when it's your own!
My MIL does this!! She actually turned her back to me when I tried to reach for DS to comfort him when he was crying in her arms. "He's not fussy!" She said in a sing-song voice. Ummm. Not cool.
As far as my expectations vs reality, I thought we would do CIO the minute we could. Hah. I still nurse DS to sleep and put him in his bassinet a foot from my side of the bed!
I also vowed to not sacrifice my home to the mess of baby stuff everywhere. I worked so hard on decorating my home before pregnancy. Now, there is a jumperoo in place of my reclaimed wood trunk coffee table and a diaper changing station in our dining room.
I also thought that I would be cool with people visiting DS those first few months. Since it was cold/flu season, I ended up only letting family come over and kindly rejected meal offers. I was so scared about DS getting sick!