December 2013 Moms
BooBear1543
member
Religious Matters!
BooBear1543
member
Hi ladies!
Here's the deal, my family is religious, and I am not, I never have been. My DH family is not religious either. For the most part my DH and I do not believe in God, we just believe in leaving a good life, doing what is right, giving to those in need, basically we believe what you put out in this world is what you are going I get back! We never impose out thoughts and believe onto others.
I am pregnant with our first child, which we are so excited about, Yay! Anyways my aunt called the other day and was like I found my sons old christening suit, if its a boy you can use it when the baby gets christened. I replied that we are not christening the baby and she was upset! She couldn't understand my not after I explained myself. I basically told her I don't attend church, you know I don't believe in God why am I gonna pay the church to bless my baby if its not something I, the mother, or my DH believe in.
My family tells each other everything, before you know it I am getting phone calls from everyone, yelling and cussing me about our decision. I let them say what they had to say and calmly I replied this my child I will raise it how feel is right, if there is an issue we can all sit and discuss it like adults, thank you and I hung up. Am I wrong? This is my child after all, my moms first grandchild and my grandmothers first great grandchild, all I want is them to respect our decisions, my family would be the one do something like christened my child behind my back... And if they did that I would be highly pissed and probably wouldn't leave child with them again.
Here's the deal, my family is religious, and I am not, I never have been. My DH family is not religious either. For the most part my DH and I do not believe in God, we just believe in leaving a good life, doing what is right, giving to those in need, basically we believe what you put out in this world is what you are going I get back! We never impose out thoughts and believe onto others.
I am pregnant with our first child, which we are so excited about, Yay! Anyways my aunt called the other day and was like I found my sons old christening suit, if its a boy you can use it when the baby gets christened. I replied that we are not christening the baby and she was upset! She couldn't understand my not after I explained myself. I basically told her I don't attend church, you know I don't believe in God why am I gonna pay the church to bless my baby if its not something I, the mother, or my DH believe in.
My family tells each other everything, before you know it I am getting phone calls from everyone, yelling and cussing me about our decision. I let them say what they had to say and calmly I replied this my child I will raise it how feel is right, if there is an issue we can all sit and discuss it like adults, thank you and I hung up. Am I wrong? This is my child after all, my moms first grandchild and my grandmothers first great grandchild, all I want is them to respect our decisions, my family would be the one do something like christened my child behind my back... And if they did that I would be highly pissed and probably wouldn't leave child with them again.
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Re: Religious Matters!
Of course you're not wrong. Decisions made about your child are solely yours and your partners decision. Your family need to understand that, maybe console them with the fact that if you LO decides later in life that he or she wants to be baptized then that is his/her decision.
Would a church even baptize a child without the parents there? I certainly hope not!
Now here's my thoughts. Your relatives, who hold religious beliefs [quite possibly different from your beliefs as well as mine], while well intentioned, are overstepping. I honestly don't believe they are trying to intentionally hurt you or overthrow your position as the parent of your child. I frequently see people who hold strong convictions misguidedly project those convictions of those around them that they care about. And sometimes, it shows in a way that is domineering and harsh such as the nasty phone calls you have described in your OP. I say this not to excuse their behavior, but rather to show you that the root of their concern is that ultimately they care about you and your child, and it's unfortunately manifesting itself in an unpleasant way.
I suggest approaching the topic again in person, explaining that while you can respect that they have different religious views than you, it would be helpful if they can reciprocate with the same respect. If your child at an appropriate age expresses interest in their religious convictions, you know exactly where you can direct them as it seems that there is a large group of caring people eager to share their beliefs, but in the mean time, you'll be the one responsible for your child.
I hope this helps rebuild a bridge of open communication as family is truly one of the most important support mechanisms and resources in life.
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Let me clarify, I don't have anything h against religion, I just don't believe in it if I never told people I don't believe in god they would never know I would still treat people the same. If my grandmother, mom or other family member read the bible to the baby I wouldn't care, if they went to church with my child it wouldn't bother me. .I will take your advice and sit and discuss it with them eventually! However the ultimate decision to christen my child is mine and DH.
Hey that's not as bad as your own siter telling you the reason for your infertility is because I don't believe in god and now that you are pregnant you can't name your daughter Celine because it means Heavenly.. Yea that's my sister.. The sister who had an abortion because she didn't know who the father was.. The 3 years later gets pregnant off a one night stand then 2 years has another child after dating g a guy for 2 weeks... Yea who is the ungodly one??
Smh some people are so bold,literally who is god,and who is he to me! I never met him or her. If I can't use my 5 senses to identify him/her it don't exist. I need evidence to believe in it srry that's just me!
That's very judgmental of your sister, then again I always believed the most judgemental and hypocritical people are the ones that believe in him. To other readers: That's my opinion, no need to debate it. When I was younger I remember aunt got pregnant and her sister would call her child a bastard because she wasn't married. So funny how life turns out, because the same aunt that called her niece a bastard is now divorced and my other aunt although still not married and id still with the same guy and has 2 more kids by him and they are happy. Now they have been Together over 20years and are discussing getting married! People need to look at themselves first before they open their mouth!
We told family no christening EOS and too bad if they didn't like it.
Tell them yelling a cursing out at you is hardly going to make you change your mind.
I feel your pain! My family and DH's family are religious. My mom set aside a christening gown and sterling pins for my baby 30 years ago when I was born. DH and I have never been religious and never planned on baptizing our baby. My mom brought it up the other day and said she was pulling out all the attire and pins etc. and I told her that we did not plan on a christening. She broke down in tears and told me we were failing our first big responsibility as parents and that it was tragic we were ending a big family tradition. She went on to tell me that everyone in the family would be disappointed and devastated with our decision blah blah blah. Well I held my ground as should you! She has only brought it up one more time saying she at least wants a picture of the baby in the gown hahahaha!
These types of things are tough! Just hold your ground, be as peaceful as you can in the conversations with the family (afterall isn't that MORE 'Jesus like') and believe in your ability to make your own decisions for your own baby! Times are changing and more and more people are not baptizing anymore. I feel like we really are not that much of a minority these days. Good luck! Your family will eventually get over it
DH and I were both raised Catholic, but he was raised in a family that actually practices, while I was raised in a family that sort of dabbled.
DH is now an atheist and I'm somewhat agnostic (though I do fall more on DH's side at times). He had explained this years ago to his parents when he stopped attending mass with them on holidays. It was very painful and difficult for him, but he told them where he is coming from, why he feels that way, etc. It took time, and his father still has a hard time accepting it, but he does.
We will not be christening LO because we want LO to be able to make his/her religious choices, and to help that we will teach LO about various religions as well as atheism. It will be his/her choice. This was incredibly hard for DH's parents to accept, but in retrospect, I'm glad he sat them down and discussed it with them vs. just pulling out the "there will be no christening" card because that is like laying 500 major issues on the table at once without any preparation at all.
In your situation I don't think you're wrong at all, I just think that it could have been handled in a much better way, especially if you knew it would incite such passionate feelings in your family. I suggest trying to speak to your mother, your aunt, whoever, 1:1 in a calm, rational way. You also need to give it time because you dropped quite a bomb on them.
One of my friends was terrified that her MIL was going to christen her daughter behind her back. It's been about a year and it hasn't happened. They're slowly accepting her decision.
ETA: added clarification
TFMC 08.02.13 at 19+ weeks. Everyday I grieve for my little Olive.
If someone Christened my kids behind my back you can be sure that they would never see me or the kids ever again. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'd get some kind of restraining order taken out against them.
And I'd go on that site where you can make someone a Mormon and enter their name 100x.
No priest should ever christen a baby without parental consent.
ETA: I mean, I know some obviously do things they aren't supposed to all the time, but if they're actually acting ethically, I would think parental consent would be necessary.
TFMC 08.02.13 at 19+ weeks. Everyday I grieve for my little Olive.
This is why we will probably end up doing it. I'm very uncomfortable in churches, but DH's family would FLIP out if we didn't do it, and I like to choose my battles with them. One little ceremony isn't a big deal to me. We won't be going to church every week, and that is the battle I'm prepared to fight.
I'm not saying you should switch up your plan, though, OP, especially after the way they acted.
The questions asked at a baptism are specifically for the parents or people responsible for raising the child. Any minister or priest who actually believed his/her vows would not willingly baptize a child without that child's consent (with the exception of maybe some of the more fringe, right wing Christian sects).
For what it's worth, I am the daughter of a minister, the ex-wife of a minister, and have been going to church my whole life. And I am in the opposite position. While my family is cool with whatever choice I make, knowing that I don't attend church regularly, my DH's family, especially his father, is militantly atheist. He will make comments, in front of me, knowing my history, about how people who believe in God are stupid, and how churches are all just a racket interested in making money.
Luckily for me, my DH is more agnostic. He believes there is something bigger than us, he just isn't really sure what, and it doesn't really matter to him as it doesn't impact his life on a day to day basis. But he knows my beliefs are important to me, and he also knows that we will raise our child in church, but teach him or her other belief systems, and let him or her choose when they are old enough. So he is cool with baptizing the baby. But I am dreading the conversation where I tell my FIL that there will be a baptism. I can only imagine the comments I'll be getting.
Anyway, all of this is to say that you have to go with what you believe. And if it helps, tell them that you would be uncomfortable making a promise before their God that you cannot keep - you don't like breaking your word just for show or tradition's sake.
My DS was baptized and even though we do not attend mass every Sunday, I still very much want to raise him in the Catholic community and viewed his baptism as a promise of that.
Good luck to you and bottom line is there is no shame on telling your families to BACK OFF when an important issue like this arises. :]
No my family is Christian. Bottom line is its not happening they have to get over it.
You should read the book The Case for Christ. Amazing book
Hey that's not as bad as your own siter telling you the reason for your infertility is because I don't believe in god and now that you are pregnant you can't name your daughter Celine because it means Heavenly.. Yea that's my sister.. The sister who had an abortion because she didn't know who the father was.. The 3 years later gets pregnant off a one night stand then 2 years has another child after dating g a guy for 2 weeks... Yea who is the ungodly one??
If your family did take your baby to church when he/she got older could make their own decision about their beliefs. But I don't think your family should put you down for your beliefs either.