Parenting

I know this may cause all kinds of drama

I know this may start all kinds of drama and flaming although I hope not.  Do you spank your kids?  I really don't like spanking DD but her behavior has been so extreme lately that no time out or talking to works and I have spanked her a few times.  I always feel bad afterwards but I do not know how to get through to her.  My parents spanked me when I was a kid, and mom thinks I should spank DD now.  Somebody out their be honest and say you have spanked your kid?  If you don't besides time out, firm talking to and taking things away how do you discipline your kids? 
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Re: I know this may cause all kinds of drama

  • Nope I don't spank.  The few times you spanked did it work?  How'd you feel after? If it doesn't feel right to you, don't do it.  Don't let anyone else tell you how to deal with your child.  I personally don't think spanking is an effective form of punishment.   

    I give up trying to get a ticker.  I have a DD that is 2.5 years old and is awesome.  Maybe I'll add a quote to distinguish myself.  Hmmm.  How about...

    "It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?" - A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
  • How old is your DD? I personally don't, it's just NMS.

    Don't do it because somebody else thinks you should. You do what feels right. If you're not comfortable with it, then don't do it.
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  • lrn327lrn327 member
    No, I don't and I won't, no matter what anyone else thinks.  
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  • I swore with DD1 that I would never never spank a child and I never did spank her. DS has been a different beast and we've each tried spanking him a few times to get through to him. It doesn't work and even though he didn't get upset either time that I did it, he occasionally says "Mommy spank a bum" and then laughs. It makes me feel like all sorts of sht.
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  • I've never understood the purpose of it. Physical pain equals fear equals obeying? It just seems so backward. Spanking because you are at the end of your rope is simply a euphemism for wanting to hit your kid. In my bold and probably flammable opinion. Also, there not their. Hate to do it but the thread below brought it to mind lol
  • Never spanked my kids.  I've made it 6.5 years without feeling the need or desire to hit my children, I plan to make it a lifetime.  Hitting just doesn't feel right to me. I've never actually hit an adult, I certainly don't think that hitting children is a good idea.

    When i'm at the end of my rope and discipline isn't getting the desired result I walk away.  discipline doesn't always work in the moment, I do think it works in the long run. 

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  • I did it once. The look of hurt and confusion on his little face will ensure that as long as I live, I will never do it again.


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  • We spank. My DH is fully on board with it. I was spanked, he was spanked as a child. Neither of us were scarred from it. I don't worry about what others think of it. I feel that it is a very effective tool for us. I don't need someone else to make me feel guilty for parenting.

    I teach high school and an exposed to entitled kids who have never been disciplined on a daily basis. I do not want my child to be like that. I was not raised like that, and I don't want my child to be. I also don't buy into the "everyone deserves a trophy" mentality, so take my post with a grain of salt.
  • I admit that I have tried it. I didn't like it and the only reaction I got from DS1 was him telling me hitting is not nice, LOL. It didn't last, obviously.

    We have started using 123 Magic and it is working for us. We do timeout in his room, with the door locked at the moment, if we ever get to 3 and he doesn't like it one bit. I highly recommend reading the book. It's pretty simple and effective.

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  • imageGhostMonkey:
    In a moment of danger where nothing else was stopping him such as when he was repeatedly running toward to open oven as I was trying to take something out, yes. It's never been anything to hurt him, but to get his attention. I'm pretty sure me smacking his butt is preferable to him driving into a 400 degree oven.nbsp;nbsp;


    This for me too. DS has been running out into the road and running away from us all the time. He doesn't stop when called and he's FAST. It scared me so much that when I caught him I spanked him hoping that he would feel the fear that I felt and wouldn't do that. I do my best to not give him the opportunity to run but I can't always foresee it. Anyway, it didn't work but its not that I was necessarily trying to punish him so much as make him associate that with running into the road. He's just about to turn 2 and doesn't get the whole cars =danger thing.
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  • imagecourtnif:
    We spank. My DH is fully on board with it. I was spanked, he was spanked as a child. Neither of us were scarred from it. I don't worry about what others think of it. I feel that it is a very effective tool for us. I don't need someone else to make me feel guilty for parenting.

    I teach high school and an exposed to entitled kids who have never been disciplined on a daily basis. I do not want my child to be like that. I was not raised like that, and I don't want my child to be. I also don't buy into the "everyone deserves a trophy" mentality, so take my post with a grain of salt.
    Defensive much?
  • I have not and will not spank my child.
  • imagefredalina:
    imageGhostMonkey:

    imagejustAphase:
    I understand the frustration that may lead one to spanking, but I won't and I don't think it is constructive. I think it's quite the opposite actually. I was spanked once by my dad; all it did was make me fear him, not make me learn my lesson.

    Then he didn't use it correctly. I'm guessing he did it out of anger.

     

    I don't agree with this. My mom spanked and did it the "right" way, as in open palm, after a break and not seething anger, no marks, etc. It, along with the rest of her and my dad's very authoritarian parenting practices made me fear them but not respect them.

    I would think making a kid wait for it would be worse, like a mental torture.  I just find the whole act of spanking to be so humiliating for the child.  I suppose it's a forced physical submission.  I just don't see any good side to it.  Seems lazy to me.  Time outs are hard for parents to implement at first, if done right.  That's why so many parents give up and say they don't work for their kid.  

    I give up trying to get a ticker.  I have a DD that is 2.5 years old and is awesome.  Maybe I'll add a quote to distinguish myself.  Hmmm.  How about...

    "It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?" - A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
  • imageeddy321:

    imagecourtnif:
    We spank. My DH is fully on board with it. I was spanked, he was spanked as a child. Neither of us were scarred from it. I don't worry about what others think of it. I feel that it is a very effective tool for us. I don't need someone else to make me feel guilty for parenting.

    I teach high school and an exposed to entitled kids who have never been disciplined on a daily basis. I do not want my child to be like that. I was not raised like that, and I don't want my child to be. I also don't buy into the "everyone deserves a trophy" mentality, so take my post with a grain of salt.

    You get to make the choice to spank your children, but I'm not sure it's fair to say that all non-spanked kids are "entitled kids who have never been disciplined on a daily basis."  It's also not fair to imply that non-spanked kids have parents who believe "everyone deserves a trophy."

    I fully intend to discipline my kids.  I just know that I cannot spank them because of personal background issues.  I also don't buy into the mentality that everyone gets rewarded just for participating.



    I'm not specifically saying kids who aren't spanked are all undisciplined. However, I have seen a total shift in behavior of kids since the antispanking movement has progressed. Is that the definite reason, probably not, but lack of discipline at home has created a generation of kids with all sorts of issues. Taking the paddle as discipline out of schools has also caused a shift. This is not just my opinion, but has been backed up by comments from students. There is nothing to fear anymore.
  • imageshanado:
    imagecourtnif:
    We spank. My DH is fully on board with it. I was spanked, he was spanked as a child. Neither of us were scarred from it. I don't worry about what others think of it. I feel that it is a very effective tool for us. I don't need someone else to make me feel guilty for parenting.

    I teach high school and an exposed to entitled kids who have never been disciplined on a daily basis. I do not want my child to be like that. I was not raised like that, and I don't want my child to be. I also don't buy into the "everyone deserves a trophy" mentality, so take my post with a grain of salt.
    Defensive much?


    Not really.
  • imagecourtnif:
    imageeddy321:

    imagecourtnif:
    We spank. My DH is fully on board with it. I was spanked, he was spanked as a child. Neither of us were scarred from it. I don't worry about what others think of it. I feel that it is a very effective tool for us. I don't need someone else to make me feel guilty for parenting. I teach high school and an exposed to entitled kids who have never been disciplined on a daily basis. I do not want my child to be like that. I was not raised like that, and I don't want my child to be. I also don't buy into the "everyone deserves a trophy" mentality, so take my post with a grain of salt.

    You get to make the choice to spank your children, but I'm not sure it's fair to say that all non-spanked kids are "entitled kids who have never been disciplined on a daily basis."  It's also not fair to imply that non-spanked kids have parents who believe "everyone deserves a trophy."

    I fully intend to discipline my kids.  I just know that I cannot spank them because of personal background issues.  I also don't buy into the mentality that everyone gets rewarded just for participating.

    I'm not specifically saying kids who aren't spanked are all undisciplined. However, I have seen a total shift in behavior of kids since the antispanking movement has progressed. Is that the definite reason, probably not, but lack of discipline at home has created a generation of kids with all sorts of issues. Taking the paddle as discipline out of schools has also caused a shift. This is not just my opinion, but has been backed up by comments from students. There is nothing to fear anymore.

    I disagree. The way kids are today is due to lack of parenting, not spanking. There are too many lazy parents who don't take the time with their children. You don't need to put hand to your child to raise a well behaved kid. Mine has never been spanked and never will be. I take the time to teach her how to behave. Not just punish her when she doesn't. 

  • imageeddy321:

    imagecourtnif:


    I'm not specifically saying kids who aren't spanked are all undisciplined. However, I have seen a total shift in behavior of kids since the antispanking movement has progressed. Is that the definite reason, probably not, but lack of discipline at home has created a generation of kids with all sorts of issues. Taking the paddle as discipline out of schools has also caused a shift. This is not just my opinion, but has been backed up by comments from students. There is nothing to fear anymore.

    This is kind of ridiculous, IMO.  There's so much involved with the culture shift that it can't simply be blamed on not spanking.  Parents started to decide to become their children's friends instead of their parents.  Spanking is just a tool for discipline.  The idea that discipline in general is failing isn't due to one tool being shunned.

    Also, FWIW, my siblings and I feared my father in a huge way.  He spanked us (among other physical punishments), and he was super strict.  That didn't stop any of us from being complete sh!tholes to our teachers.  I threw a book at my math teacher in 6th grade.  I skipped classes and treated certain teachers like garbage.  My behavior was appalling until I grew a conscience and started acting for myself.  Fearing my dad simply made me learn to hide my actions better.



    I don't feel it is the only reason, as I stated, but I do think it has some bearing on it.

    I guess I have a different perspective because spanking was a very effective tool for me as a child. I never feared my parents because of it, but the threat of it was enough to make me question my decision.

    I'm certainly not saying that everyone should spank or that people who don't are bad parents. I feel that it is an effective discipline tool in my household. I guess my other comments are more about a lack of discipline than a lack of spanking. Thanks for making that clear.
  • I'm struggling with spanking. DH is a firm believer in spanking and I have spanked DD in the past. However, I find that I'm not able to approach spanking with a level head. I end up resorting to spanking when I've reached the end of my patience rope and that's the worst time to spank a child. So, now, I'm working on walking away when I feel the urge to spank DD and it's helping. I'm not against spanking as part of discipline, but I think it's far too often done out of frustration and not actual discipline. We have other, very effective, methods of disciplining DD. The most recent method is straight from the Love and Logic method. When DD's attitude is disrespectful, out of control or just plain nasty, we send her to her room until she's able to come back and be a positive part of our family. It's been quite effective and DD is beginning to show signs of recognizing her own attitude issues.

    I would like to say that I think there is a fear part to respect. Children should respect their parents and parents should respect their children. However, children should also fear their parents reactions to a behavior. They should fear dissapointing a parent or fear the consequence given by a parent. Without fear of a reaction to a decision, children will not truly consider the decision consequences. KWIM?
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  • I have not spanked ds but i've felt myself come close to wanting to. I honestly can't say that he will never get spanked, but I don't want that to be how I discipline him.

    DH's cousin has a 3 and 4 yo, they get spanked for Every. Little. Thing. It has gotten to the point now that they act worse because they know they are going to get spanked anyway. It's almosr a go big or go home mentality for them. Seeing how ineffective spanking is with them makes my decision to not spank easier.
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  • I don't spank. At all. Redirection works best and timeouts work, too. I have a very willful DS, but it has never crossed my mind to spank him. 
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  • You don't need to spank in order to parent well.  I had spanked DD when she first entered a very difficult phase and didn't like the way i felt or how much it made DD cry.  Can't remember the last time I did it.  Right now I use time outs, re-direction, or just literally let her throw her fit while I do other things.

    DH on the other had doesn't have the patience that I do when it comes to these things and will go straight into a time out whereas I may giver her a 2nd chance. He will also spank.  I'm starting not to like this so much and we need to have a talk.  sometimes he just needs to listen to her actions.  usually she is frustrated and wants something.  there has been a time when he spanked her when he could have just given her what she wants, which was not a bad thing.  After I told him what she wanted she stopped being "bad".....she doesn't have the best verbal skills yet. 

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  • We do not.


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  • imagefredalina:
    imageAbinormal:
    I would like to say that I think there is a fear part to respect. Children should respect their parents and parents should respect their children. However, children should also fear their parents reactions to a behavior. They should fear dissapointing a parent or fear the consequence given by a parent. Without fear of a reaction to a decision, children will not truly consider the decision consequences. KWIM?
    I know what you are saying, but I disagree. There are a lot of really great ways to let a child learn from their own mistakes without them fearing their parents. And in fact that may be the opposite, as kids who fear their parents spend a lot of time trying to hide their actions from their parents rather than learning from their mistakes.

    I totally agree. Spanking IS lazy parenting. My kid knows not to run out in the road because it's "not safe". He knows what not safe means. You know why? Because he respects us and listens to us, especially when we use an urgent tone.  

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  • imagefredalina:
    imageAbinormal:
    I would like to say that I think there is a fear part to respect. Children should respect their parents and parents should respect their children. However, children should also fear their parents reactions to a behavior. They should fear dissapointing a parent or fear the consequence given by a parent. Without fear of a reaction to a decision, children will not truly consider the decision consequences. KWIM?
    I know what you are saying, but I disagree. There are a lot of really great ways to let a child learn from their own mistakes without them fearing their parents. And in fact that may be the opposite, as kids who fear their parents spend a lot of time trying to hide their actions from their parents rather than learning from their mistakes.

    I have to disagree.  I always feared my parents. So much so that I never really knew how to talk out disagreements with whomever I was dating.  My parents never really let me explain to them my feelings.  It was always them lecturing me and then I would go to my room.  I learned to be quiet or someone would have an outburst.  My mom threw a lamp one time that busted in pieces.  My dad was so pissed at me another time that he flicked his finger at my head and called me a b!tch because i was just sitting there acting like I didn't care.  I want to make sure I have a healthy relationship with my kid and that we can talk things out. 

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  • imagecourtnif:
    imageeddy321:

    imagecourtnif:
    We spank. My DH is fully on board with it. I was spanked, he was spanked as a child. Neither of us were scarred from it. I don't worry about what others think of it. I feel that it is a very effective tool for us. I don't need someone else to make me feel guilty for parenting. I teach high school and an exposed to entitled kids who have never been disciplined on a daily basis. I do not want my child to be like that. I was not raised like that, and I don't want my child to be. I also don't buy into the "everyone deserves a trophy" mentality, so take my post with a grain of salt.

    You get to make the choice to spank your children, but I'm not sure it's fair to say that all non-spanked kids are "entitled kids who have never been disciplined on a daily basis."  It's also not fair to imply that non-spanked kids have parents who believe "everyone deserves a trophy."

    I fully intend to discipline my kids.  I just know that I cannot spank them because of personal background issues.  I also don't buy into the mentality that everyone gets rewarded just for participating.

    I'm not specifically saying kids who aren't spanked are all undisciplined. However, I have seen a total shift in behavior of kids since the antispanking movement has progressed. Is that the definite reason, probably not, but lack of discipline at home has created a generation of kids with all sorts of issues. Taking the paddle as discipline out of schools has also caused a shift. This is not just my opinion, but has been backed up by comments from students. There is nothing to fear anymore.

    This is total bullshiit. Why should fear be a motivator to behave in school? Why should fear be a motivator to behave at home? How about doing your best to parent children to the point where they understand that it's important to try their hardest and do their best for their own benefit, to benefit others, or to make people proud of them? I totally agree with the PP that said spanking is lazy. Kids can and do learn right from wrong without being physically punished and humiliated. Spanking to make your kids afraid of you so they conform is not parenting. I personally just cannot and will not get on board with purposefully hurting children as a way to encourage good behavior. Whatever happened to being a role model so they learn the right way to behave by watching you and looking up to you, not fearing you? 

    And FWIW, the kids that I went to school with that admitted to being spanked or physically punished were some of the worst behaved kids in the class and often were violent towards others, and I'm pretty sure there are quite a few peer-reviewed studies out there that back that observation up. 

  • imagejustAphase:
    imageGhostMonkey:

    imagejustAphase:
    I understand the frustration that may lead one to spanking, but I won't and I don't think it is constructive. I think it's quite the opposite actually. I was spanked once by my dad; all it did was make me fear him, not make me learn my lesson.

    Then he didn't use it correctly. I'm guessing he did it out of anger.

     

    You're probably (definitely) right. I still don't think I will. I know enough by now to never say never, but I hope to find something more effective for my family.

    See, to me, I can understand getting so angry that you spank your kid.  But apparently the "right way" is to do it calmly and consciously.  Which to me is freaking insane.

    I could see raising a hand to my daughter in the heat of the moment, out of frustration.  But out of will, because I felt like it was the right thing to do?  Eff no.  That's awful.

  • imagembenit4:
    imageargonne:

    He knows what not safe means. You know why? Because he respects us and listens to us, especially when we use an urgent tone.  

    Where are the flame throwers? When I say shlt like this all hell breaks loose.


    I already said that spanking when something was dangerous didn't work but this statement is ridiculous. We can agree that all kids "get" things and develop at different rates in another post but you can't understand how some kids don't get the concept of danger or urgency at the same rate that your kid does? My two year old isn't disrespectful, he just doesn't actually get it yet. It's my job to keep teaching him and in the mean time keep him out of harms way.
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  • We tend to not spank.

    Discipline in our house is time outs, calm down time in the room, and a brief discussion of why he was in time out.

    If I yell or spank, it only tends to blow up the problem more - his behavior will increase. 

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  • imagejustAphase:

    imagecourtnif:
    imageshanado:
    imagecourtnif:
    We spank. My DH is fully on board with it. I was spanked, he was spanked as a child. Neither of us were scarred from it. I don't worry about what others think of it. I feel that it is a very effective tool for us. I don't need someone else to make me feel guilty for parenting.

    I teach high school and an exposed to entitled kids who have never been disciplined on a daily basis. I do not want my child to be like that. I was not raised like that, and I don't want my child to be. I also don't buy into the "everyone deserves a trophy" mentality, so take my post with a grain of salt.
    Defensive much?


    Not really.

    Not spanking /=/everyone deserves a trophy



    No it doesn't.
  • I don't hit my children. Never have and never will. Redirection, time outs and natural consequences etc.

    I just had a conversation with someone IRL about this. She spanks her kids all of the time and it really works. If you are spanking your children all of the time, it's not working. lol

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  • Here's a very simplified view point on discipline and punishment.  If you could record yourself doling out whatever discipline and punishment that you think works for your kid, then watch it back without cringing, great!  Keep doing it.  If not, maybe you should reconsider your methods.  If it doesn't look or feel right or if you wouldn't do it in front of other people, maybe it's not right.  

    My comment about spanking being lazy has to do with the fact that spanking is immediate action with immediate results and it's immediately over.  The results seem to be effective in some cases, but IMO, the child is just startled from whatever they were doing, not being taught any long term lessons or good behaviors.  Other forms of discipline, such as time outs, take time, consistency, and lots of effort to implement correctly.  The results are often not seen immediately so parents get frustrated with it.  However, the results are typically more effective in correcting the behavior long term without resorting to physical dominance and humiliation.  

    I give up trying to get a ticker.  I have a DD that is 2.5 years old and is awesome.  Maybe I'll add a quote to distinguish myself.  Hmmm.  How about...

    "It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?" - A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
  • We do not and will not. I don't want my child to fear me. I loved and respected my parents. I was an extremely well behaved child and teen and was not spanked. Fear didn't keep me in line knowing I would disappoint my parents did.
    I think spanking sends the wrong message and inserts a negative dynamic into the relationship. Hands are not for hitting.


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  • imageTwilightMV:
    We do not and will not. I don't want my child to fear me. I loved and respected my parents. I was an extremely well behaved child and teen and was not spanked. Fear didn't keep me in line knowing I would disappoint my parents did. I think spanking sends the wrong message and inserts a negative dynamic into the relationship. Hands are not for hitting.

    To me that is fear just not physical fear. You feared disappointing them.

    We don't spank, but that is not to say that we wont. I know she did get spanked by my MIL one time because she did let go of her hand and run across a busy street and luckily the truck saw her and was able to stop. My MIL was scared and she just did it. She felt horrible afterwards and cried when she told me that she did it. I felt bad that she felt so bad, but had I been in that situation I probably would have done that too. She has never run again and I don't think that she didn't respect her grandmother and that is why she ran. She was 2 and she has no clue.

    We try to do time outs and redirection and stay consistent, but it there comes a time when those don't work then we will reevaluate.

    My father spanked me and my sister, but I honestly could count on one hand the amount of times he did it. I didn't fear him physically, but I did fear disappointing him and so I thought about my actions. I never snuck out, was disrespectful, etc. My sister was 11 when he passed away. My mom raised us by trying to be our friend so my sister did sneak out, had sex at an early age, etc. not saying the spanking was why, but she didn't have the same discipline as I did.


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  • I have always said that I would never spank.  I was adamantly opposed to it. However, my DS has been spanked. Ironically, it was for hitting.  I also never understood the idea of spanking to teach children not to hit.  I tried absolutely everything to get my DS not to hit.  He started hitting at 18 months, and continued hitting up to 3 years of age.  Luckily, he didn't hit other children, but the behavior was directed at me.  We tried time outs, redirection, walking away, conversations, spending more time with him, showing him a soft touch, positive time-outs, deep breaths, giving him a soft object to hit, pulling his hand down with a firm NO, etc.  I scoured the internet and books for tips on it (Love and Logic, 123 Magic, Positive Parenting).  I even spoke to our pediatrician.  Absolutely nothing worked.  You know what finally worked?  Spanking him one time.  He very rarely tries to hit me anymore, and he usually thinks better of it and hits a pillow or the floor instead.  Some children learn by experience, and apparently the idea that hitting hurts was foreign to him.  I am not really pleased with how that lesson had to be taught, but he seems to have learned.  I really hope I do not need to spank him again, but I have also learned to never say never. 

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  • imagefredalina:
    imagekrptcmschfmkr128:
    .
    I don't support spanking, but I don't think it makes you a crappy parent, or even a lazy one. It's just that I don't view discipline as a way of controlling my child's behavior, especially moment by moment, but rather of teaching her long term to think through her choices and consider others, etc. To me, spanking, and substitutes for spanking even including automatic frequent time outs or yelling, are reactions in the moment vs long term problem solving, if that makes sense. I just look at it from a different perspective.

    I agree with this philosophy.  One book I read summed it up well.  They said that discipline is not about controlling your child, but rather teaching your child to control themselves. 

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  • imagekrptcmschfmkr128:

    DD got spanked last night. She has gotten spanked before. It's a last resort for us when re-direction, time out, trying to get her to calm down by calmly talking to her, letting her hang out for a few minutes in her room on her own, etc doesn't work.

    My kid has learned the "timeout" game. She knows that as soon as she's calm, she is allowed to get up, and then starts her tantrum, destruction, whatever it is, over again. Same thing with being shut in her room or simply ignored.

    Apparently, I'm a lazy parent with crappy parenting skills, because even after all of this, she's still a beast. We both ended up in her bed crying last night.

    This is true for us.  When NOTHING else works she'll get get spanked.  Add me to the "lazy" parenting group. Confused

     

    Oh, and LOL at the person that said their kids "knows" what danger means and follows instructions based off tone of voice.  Eveidently you are a far superior parent than I.  But again, I'm lazy.

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  • Spring_time- That was the one time that I kind of smacked her mouth. We were playing and she bit me I did the whole redirection thing and told her biting hurt and that it was not nice. After that I think she liked that it got  a reaction out of me that she kept doing it. She would be playing and laughing and laugh into my arm and bite me. One morning she did it and she latched on good. It left a bruise and marks. I tried to grab her/move her mouth/be firm with her nothing worked so I reached my other hand around and gently hit her mouth. She immediately stopped and said ouch no hitting mom (i didn't even hit her hard to begin with). I then said that biting hurt me. She has never bitten me since and it was always just me she bit to begin with.


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