Setting boundaries with my sister.

kendra223 · June 2013

Mobile: Setting boundaries with my sister.

So she's a 19 and she's pregnant. They don't have a car. No friends here. The boyfriend has family here but they don't care or help. We have no family here. Our parents live a little ways away. I'm the only one her and her bf have.

But I am in my 3rd trimester, I have a toddler and I work 28 hrs a week. Sis has been saying she's gonna move back with my parents. Then she always changes her mind.

I took her grocery shopping the other day and to her first prenatal appt today. With my toddler.. on top of our other errands... Because she is always with me. Luckily LO normally does well. But today I asked her if she was moving back and she said she doesn't know... again.

Since I'm the only one she has.. I told her "If you guys stay, will you be able to get a car? I enjoyed taking you today but I won't always be able to. Especially when my new baby comes."

She still hasn't replied. But I just wanna see if you guys think I handled that ok. I didn't want to sound rude but goodness, I cannot be her taxi right now. I can help where I can. But there will be times when I can't. I guess I just want support in that its ok to say "no" sometimes.

ilovemygirls · June 2013

Does she live with you? Because that may make it harder but yes, you NEED to set these boundaries. It's one thing to be a help to someone as they need it, but for her to just depend on you to do these things for her - for the long haul - with all you have going on is clearly not going to work for you. I would try to have a sit-down conversation with her before your baby comes & kindly let her know (repeatedly, if needed) that you will be happy to help her as your schedule allows, but she needs to come up with a reliable plan of her own. Suggest she learn bus routes & such in your area. And follow the old standby as time marches forward (if she indeed isn't making her own plan) "Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine". Learn it, live it, own it!

Mrs.Rose · June 2013

I think you handled it well. Hopefully you planted the seed that she needs to be more self-sufficient.

kendra223 · June 2013

Thankfully she does not live with us! We went through having BIL, his wife and step kid staying here for one month. It was not fun. We will not be having relatives live here again. Now that LO 2 is coming, there won't be room anyway.

She had her own car when she came down here but has wrecked it. Her bf bought his moms car but its dead now. I have suggested bus routes but she said "the bus never comes by here." But I know we have a decent system and she should be able to figure something out.

Here lately, its like even if I have the time.. I don't really have the energy. Its hard doing someone elses errands on top of your own.

EastCoastBride · June 2013

kendra223:
I have suggested bus routes but she said "the bus never comes by here." But I know we have a decent system and she should be able to figure something out.

And this is why you're going to have to learn to just say "no". As long as you give in and give her rides, etc, she'll always call you. And be prepared - "but the BABY!!!! I have nothing for the BABY!!!!". She'll pull that card out over and over if you fall for it.

You have to be prepared. It's not your job to fix the problem (suggesting the bus, etc). She's an adult. She KNOWS what her options are. She just doesn't want to use them. So.... start saying no.

And I'd start doing that now- before the baby comes. So that she can start figuring things out before she can use the baby as a reason to try and guilt you.

kendra223 · June 2013

EastCoastBride:
kendra223:
I have suggested bus routes but she said "the bus never comes by here." But I know we have a decent system and she should be able to figure something out.
And this is why you're going to have to learn to just say "no".  As long as you give in and give her rides, etc, she'll always call you.  And be prepared   -  "but the BABY!!!! I have nothing for the BABY!!!!".  She'll pull that card out over and over if you fall for it. 
You have to be prepared.  It's not your job to fix the problem (suggesting the bus, etc).  She's an adult.  She KNOWS what her options are.  She just doesn't want to use them.  So.... start saying no.
And I'd start doing that now- before the baby comes.  So that she can start figuring things out before she can use the baby as a reason to try and guilt you.

Yes exactly. The whole grocery shopping thing.. ugh. She had asked me on a Wednesday night, right when my daughter had started a fever of 101 . So I said no. I figured they had someone else out here. When she wrecked her car, she was supposedly on her way back from seeing "a friend" and when her bf left her alone and depressed "friends" came to get him from their apartment... so I'm like wth, where are these "friends" now??

Anyway. She asked me on Friday to take her to the dr appt on Monday. I said yes. Then I asked if she ever got groceries. The answer was STILL no. So I said I would take her on Saturday when I went shopping.

I don't know what the hell she was gonna do... just sit at home and not eat? Its irritating. She didn't even know the address or where her drs office was until she googled it 1 1/2 hrs before the appt.

I love her but I just need to vent. She's gonna have to become independent for this baby. Doesn't seem like her bf is going to be much help either.

Setting boundaries with my sister.

Re: Setting boundaries with my sister.

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