In law Advice -- long
Dani428
member
I would love your honest opinions because I really don't know how to handle this situation. It's long I'm sorry...warning.
My hubby's mother sadly has serious mental health issues that came to light when he was about 10 years old. Eventually years down the line, his parents separated since she has been hospitalized the majority of her life. Soon after the split a good friend of his moms started dating his father....she was such a good family friend that my hubby called her "aunt" growing up. Long story short, she ended up marrying his father later but hubby holds serious resentment towards her...thinks she's an opportunist. There's obviously more too it but that's the gist and trying to keep it short.
Now I completely understand why my husband feels the way he does and I'll always support and stand by him. This woman has been extremely generous, sweet, and kind to us throughout our marriage and pregnancy and I have never had any personal issues with her.
The new problem is that she keeps saying that she's Charlotte's "grandma" and it's driving my husband insane. I completely understand why he's upset by it...and he's about to snap. They have a VERY strained relationship.
Should I speak with her privately and tell her it's upsetting my husband and while I appreciate her actions and love, it would probably be best not to call herself grandma... at least not in front of him to keep the peace? Or should I tell hubby he should just let her say whatever she wants and ignore it to keep the peace. Should I stay out of it and let him tell her...which will most likely turn into a fight. Or what? I don't know what to do but I'd really like to avoid a huge blowout during this time....
Sorry that was long...
Re: In law Advice -- long
Yeah you're right it's not a good idea to say she can do it when he's not around...I veto my own suggestion lol. I didn't think about hubby talking to FIL. They have an interesting relationship when it comes to the new wife...but that's certainly a good option!!!
We are going to have to do something similar most likely. Much different situation, but FIL remarried last year after only knowing the woman for 3 months. Not that I'm saying that is wrong, they are grown, they can do what they want. However, this woman is younger than two of my DHs siblings, and the same age as DH. So it's all around a weird situation. DH is not comfortable with her being called grandma, and if he isn't comfortable with it, I support that.
I agree with PP that going behind his back could cause more problems. So I vote finding a new name she could be called, or just using her first name.
That just made me awwwww. That's so true and a great way to put it.
I agree with this. If she is going to love your baby and be a good grandma then your DH needs to try to get over his hard feelings towards her... As warranted as they may be.
I am very sorry you were put in this position.
Is your husband against you talking to your MIL? If he isn't, I would talk to her about it. If he is against you talking to her, I wouldn't go behind his back. I suggest talking to your husband about it before you do anything. It seems to be a sensitive topic for him, so if you asserted yourself into the situation without him knowing, it might hurt his feelings or anger him.
If his dad's wife is going to be close to you guys in the future, I would definitely suggest to DH to allowing her to call herself grandma or something of the like. That's probably best for the baby. Why make things awkward and complicated and highlight the discord to your growing child?
I hope everything works out for the best for you, DH, and baby. It sounds like a difficult situation!
Ouch, this is a really tough situation!
Personally, I would speak with her solo. You're both "outsiders" to the family, ie you married men who are blood relatives, you're on more equal footing. Tell her how much you appreciate the positive support she has give you & your DH, and let her know you're excited for her to be a part of your LO's family. Then just get down to brass tacks. If there's been this much strain in their relationship, I doubt she's oblivious to the fact. Let her know that it upsets your husband when she refers to herself as grandma, the same way it would upset him if she referred to herself as his mom. She is probably just so excited to be a grandma, that she never stopped to think how the title might upset her stepson, that it might come across to him as though his stepmother was trying to replace his actual mother, who in his mind is the "true" grandma, regardless of desire or ability to be involved in LO's life. Ask her if she would refrain from using that term for the time being, and try to come up with another special term (Nana, Gigi, Mimi, etc) to show that she has a special place in your LO's life.
I'd see how that goes for a while, and if your DH still gets upset you might have to have a frank talk with him as well. It's understandable to have these sort of feelings in the beginning, but at some point he needs to accept the fact that his father is a capable adult who made a choice, and that choice is to be with a woman who has been a source of love and support for him for a long while. Honestly, since this all happened when he was so young, and he still feels this strongly about it, he should probably look into some sort of counseling. Having a parent with mental illness is a really hard thing, especially for a ten year old to deal with. It sounds like he feels as though his dad abandoned his mom, moved on with an opportunistic woman, and he feels a strong sense of responsibility and loyalty to his mother. These are good emotions to have, but it sounds like they're coming from a child's confusion of the situation and not a rational adult's acceptance of what a mental illness can do to a family.
I really hope you're able to resolve the grandma name issue, and that your DH eventually comes to see this woman for who/what she really is.
Great question and point. It's a mix of both for him honestly...both the term and the actions. Her using the term Grandma and wanting Charlotte to call her grandma is his really upsetting him right now...like if he hears it one more time he's going to blow. I think eventually though he will be more comfortable with her acting like a grandma since she does have very good intentions and wants to dote on little Charlotte....but even that will take time. I think an alternate name would certainly be a good start and ease some tension...I'm so glad I posted this here!!!
Hahha OH! Both were good ideas lol. Hubby calls her ... THE WIFE. lol!
^ This! This! And....This ^
Great idea. I love the thought of more people loving on baby, too. Sorry this is difficult for you and dh.
Everyone's given so much good advice! Really just agreeing with everyone else- If you can make these two things happen, hopefully it will make things a little better for everyone involved-
1. Choose a name besides Grandma that DH feels more comfortable with and still lets her feel included.
2. Let DH know that although you support him and understand that his relationship with her will probably always be a little "off", she is a part of your dad's life, and therefore is going to be a part of your child's life, and like someone else said, having one more person to love your baby isn't a bad thing.
It sounds like you and your step mil and have a good relationship so it may work better for you to speak to her with kindness and empathy, which your H may not be able to do. Also this is assuming that your H won't mind you doing this. Ultimately I think it depends on how you and your H handle these things.
In my marriage I would stay out of it and let DH handle it as he wishes, even if it is blowing up at her. DH and I both have complicated family situations and respect the way we handle our respective sides and support each other.
I would definitely say this is the best way of looking at it. Since it sounds like she was close with their family growing up, she is obviously a genuine, loving person who will offer nothing but love and care for LO. It seems like the issues your DH has with her don't affect how capable she is of loving LO, so it isn't hurtful for her to be a grandmotherly figure, other than the circumstances of how she came into that role making your DH uncomfortable.
I would present it to your DH like the PP put it and see if he is can resolve his issues for the sake of LO's relationship with this person who is obviously going to be a part of her life, whether it be as a grandma, nana, grandpa's wife, or something else. Hopefully your DH can see which role will be most beneficial to LO, despite the fact that it may be a little uncomfortable to him.
I second this. Things get dicey when you get involved in family drama with a long history. But above all else, it is important to have your husband's back.
THANKS! I feel more for my hubby to be honest...it's such a tough situation. Thanks again everyone!!