I had both of my babies in a hospital without a doula, though we always had someone else there with us. The first time it was my MIL and the second time my mother. I think it's nice to have someone who can help relieve the partner if the labor is long or run and get things so the mother doesn't have to be alone, but that's just the way we do it.
It sounds like you have a very supportive doctor, so that will go a long way. Even still labor at home as long as possible. Typically, though not always when you read birth stories there is a common theme, "I arrived at 8cm" "I arrived ready to push". You will be more comfortable and not have to adhere to the rules of the hospital. I would do as much research as possible and make sure your partner does the same. I took a Hypnobirthing class which we loved, but still took time to read about natural forms of pain relief and made sure DH was on board as well.
If you still want a doula perhaps you could meet with a few and see if he changes his mind?
I actually felt like your husband. I wanted just the two of us in the room. Why would I want someone else watching me suffer? And getting in the way of such a special bonding time? Making DH feel like he was inadequate?
That meant it put a lot more on DH and the nurse, but in the long run it was fine. I made sure to talk a lot with DH about my wishes, so he knew how to advocate for me. We chose a NB friendly hospital. When we checked in I asked for a nurse experience in NB.
It all turned out fine. The nurse gave DH some suggestions to help me (I had back-labor so she showed him how to apply counter-pressure with an ice pack.) We had a beautiful labor and birth experience that I would do again in a heart beat.
That being said, I think you need to do what makes you feel comfortable. That's the only way you'll be able to have a NB. If you're nervous, scared, whatever, you are way more likely to cave and get an epi or need intervention. If you really think you'd feel better/less scared/more relaxed/whatever with a doula in the room, then convince your husband to hire one. If it's a money thing looking into hiring a "doula in training". If it's because your husband just feels like he wouldn't be helping give him a job that's all his own - like holding your hand or getting your ice or whatever.
It sounds like as a nurse/paramedic he is probably better prepared to support a birth than the average husband. He needs to be 100% on board with supporting your plans, though. If he thinks getting an epidural is really the sensible thing, he can't really be there for you when you hit transition and start doubting yourself.
There is also the "what do you do if labour is really long" question and the "is he willing to read a few books to supplement his birth support skills" question. "The Birth Partner" book is an excellent resource for support methods.
We didn't have a doula but I did have my mom and DH there. My mom read a book about being a birth partner and between her and my DH they were able to take turns helping me through pains. I actually wanted an epidural and the anesthesiologist was in the room when baby girl decided it was time to come so all natural it was, which was the original goal but pitocin plus transition was insane. Good luck!
I had a great natural birth with DD with just my husband as labor coach. We use Bradley Method. We didn't do classes, just read and did the exercises. I think it's actually a bit weird to have a doula if doing Bradley method, though some do. If he's willing to do some prep (he knows the medical stuff but prob not how to coach a woman through contractions) then I wouldn't think you'd need a doula. You could let him decide--either he takes prep and practicing seriously, or agrees to have a doula.
We didn't have a doula for LO 1's birth, and won't for 2's either. Just me and the hubby. That being said, my husband is 100 supportive of natural birth and willing to put in the time to learn about natural pain management.
If I were in your shoes, I would be willing to skip the doula only if I felt my husband was fully on board. That doesn't mean he has to stop believing that sometimes interventions are necessary... sometimes they are. But he needs to be willing commit to aiming for that natural birth, including preparing to coach you through a natural birth. Class is a great start towards that!
"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
I have had two med-free homebirths without a doula. During my first pregnancy, we took a childbirth class through my midwife. I also did a ton of reading. The Bradley method book by Susan McCutcheon was great. I read it often.
Other than the class we took (maybe 4 sessions of about 1 1/2 hours each), DH didn't do much preparation. However, he was completely on board with my med-free plans. It was actually him who suggested a homebirth.
DH was amazing during both labors. I don't know what I'd do without him there.
The concept of a doula is strange to me. Why would I want some stranger there being a critical support person (who isn't a medical professional)? That's DH's job. He helped make the baby, he can be the one supporting and advocating for me as I work to get LO out.
Long story short, it's absolutely possible to have a med-free birth without a doula. Both of mine have been amazing; hopefully this third one is too!
thanks everyone!!!!!!! I was going to pick up a couple books for us to read before/during/after the class. I know he likes to read, and Im sure he'd read these books.
As a nurse...what type of nurse is your husband? I'm a med surg Tele nurse who floats to post partum a lot. I'm working on hypnobirthing, and only feel like I would be adequate as a support person for a natural birth recently due to the additional research I've done. Going through it as the mom is much different than as the nurse. My boyfriend felt like your husband at first. He thought that me wanting my mom there, who is not only my mom, but an l and d nurse, meant I thought he wasn't enough to help me. After an honest talk about why I wanted both of them there, with him being most important, he got on board.
If he was a paramedic, I'm guessing he is an ED nurse. Our ED nurses are amazing at stabilizing and caring for the immediate needs. Not so great at planning for what the patient is going to need 6 to 12 hours later or nonpharm comfort measures.
As a nurse...what type of nurse is your husband? I'm a med surg Tele nurse who floats to post partum a lot. I'm working on hypnobirthing, and only feel like I would be adequate as a support person for a natural birth recently due to the additional research I've done. Going through it as the mom is much different than as the nurse. My boyfriend felt like your husband at first. He thought that me wanting my mom there, who is not only my mom, but an l and d nurse, meant I thought he wasn't enough to help me. After an honest talk about why I wanted both of them there, with him being most important, he got on board.
If he was a paramedic, I'm guessing he is an ED nurse. Our ED nurses are amazing at stabilizing and caring for the immediate needs. Not so great at planning for what the patient is going to need 6 to 12 hours later or nonpharm comfort measures.
you got it! He's an ED nurse, and he actually spends a lot of his time in Peds because he's so good with the babies and kids (if he can't get an iv or picc line in, no one can)
When I had a pretty big suergery a couple years ago, he was phenomenal at helping me out, both medically and non medically. He's very nurturing.
Im going to get us a couple books, because I know when he reads something he feels he understands and retains the info better and then we'll discuss.
He did tell me that its more up to me than it is him. so Im thinking this is going to be the best course for us. We'll start with the books, and then the class and see how he feels after that about the doula. He's already a great advocate for me during doctor's appointments because he knows I get panicy (I had a really Screwed up throat surgery when I was 16 that landed me in a plastic surgeon's office for the skin on my BACK for 9 months so I tend to panic a little when too much medical slang is tossed at me.) I tell him before we go into the appointment what questions I want to ask, and my feelings certain things we discussed with the OB at the last appointment, and he makes sure that we don't forget to talk about those.
It sounds like you have a great partner there! If you give him the info like you are planning, he will most likely be all you need and bonus, he isn't afraid to tell doctors and hospital staff what you need! He sounds like the type to go pick an l and d nurses brain for more info and ideas too. Good luck and best wishes.
My son was a natural birth, in a hospital, and I didn't have a doula. My husband was very supportive and worth his weight in gold, in the delivery room.
We live far from family so it was just DH and I. I had wonderful nurses who were supportive of my birth plan, and wonderful midwives who were also supportive.
It took me a little while to convince DH that natural birth was for the best, but once he was on board it all went really well for us. It helped that I went from 6-10 cms in 10 minutes and didn't really have time to back out or question our plans. lol
IrishPiratess
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Re: (Untitled)
I had both of my babies in a hospital without a doula, though we always had someone else there with us. The first time it was my MIL and the second time my mother. I think it's nice to have someone who can help relieve the partner if the labor is long or run and get things so the mother doesn't have to be alone, but that's just the way we do it.
It sounds like you have a very supportive doctor, so that will go a long way. Even still labor at home as long as possible. Typically, though not always when you read birth stories there is a common theme, "I arrived at 8cm" "I arrived ready to push". You will be more comfortable and not have to adhere to the rules of the hospital. I would do as much research as possible and make sure your partner does the same. I took a Hypnobirthing class which we loved, but still took time to read about natural forms of pain relief and made sure DH was on board as well.
If you still want a doula perhaps you could meet with a few and see if he changes his mind?
I actually felt like your husband. I wanted just the two of us in the room. Why would I want someone else watching me suffer? And getting in the way of such a special bonding time? Making DH feel like he was inadequate?
That meant it put a lot more on DH and the nurse, but in the long run it was fine. I made sure to talk a lot with DH about my wishes, so he knew how to advocate for me. We chose a NB friendly hospital. When we checked in I asked for a nurse experience in NB.
It all turned out fine. The nurse gave DH some suggestions to help me (I had back-labor so she showed him how to apply counter-pressure with an ice pack.) We had a beautiful labor and birth experience that I would do again in a heart beat.
That being said, I think you need to do what makes you feel comfortable. That's the only way you'll be able to have a NB. If you're nervous, scared, whatever, you are way more likely to cave and get an epi or need intervention. If you really think you'd feel better/less scared/more relaxed/whatever with a doula in the room, then convince your husband to hire one. If it's a money thing looking into hiring a "doula in training". If it's because your husband just feels like he wouldn't be helping give him a job that's all his own - like holding your hand or getting your ice or whatever.
Good luck!
It sounds like as a nurse/paramedic he is probably better prepared to support a birth than the average husband. He needs to be 100% on board with supporting your plans, though. If he thinks getting an epidural is really the sensible thing, he can't really be there for you when you hit transition and start doubting yourself.
There is also the "what do you do if labour is really long" question and the "is he willing to read a few books to supplement his birth support skills" question. "The Birth Partner" book is an excellent resource for support methods.
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If I were in your shoes, I would be willing to skip the doula only if I felt my husband was fully on board. That doesn't mean he has to stop believing that sometimes interventions are necessary... sometimes they are. But he needs to be willing commit to aiming for that natural birth, including preparing to coach you through a natural birth. Class is a great start towards that!
Other than the class we took (maybe 4 sessions of about 1 1/2 hours each), DH didn't do much preparation. However, he was completely on board with my med-free plans. It was actually him who suggested a homebirth.
DH was amazing during both labors. I don't know what I'd do without him there.
The concept of a doula is strange to me. Why would I want some stranger there being a critical support person (who isn't a medical professional)? That's DH's job. He helped make the baby, he can be the one supporting and advocating for me as I work to get LO out.
Long story short, it's absolutely possible to have a med-free birth without a doula. Both of mine have been amazing; hopefully this third one is too!
thanks everyone!!!!!!! I was going to pick up a couple books for us to read before/during/after the class. I know he likes to read, and Im sure he'd read these books.
I appreciate the stories and help!
If he was a paramedic, I'm guessing he is an ED nurse. Our ED nurses are amazing at stabilizing and caring for the immediate needs. Not so great at planning for what the patient is going to need 6 to 12 hours later or nonpharm comfort measures.
I had a natural hospital birth without a doula, I read a ton about natural birth and made sure my DH was informed as well.
you got it! He's an ED nurse, and he actually spends a lot of his time in Peds because he's so good with the babies and kids (if he can't get an iv or picc line in, no one can)
When I had a pretty big suergery a couple years ago, he was phenomenal at helping me out, both medically and non medically. He's very nurturing.
Im going to get us a couple books, because I know when he reads something he feels he understands and retains the info better and then we'll discuss.
He did tell me that its more up to me than it is him. so Im thinking this is going to be the best course for us. We'll start with the books, and then the class and see how he feels after that about the doula. He's already a great advocate for me during doctor's appointments because he knows I get panicy (I had a really Screwed up throat surgery when I was 16 that landed me in a plastic surgeon's office for the skin on my BACK for 9 months so I tend to panic a little when too much medical slang is tossed at me.) I tell him before we go into the appointment what questions I want to ask, and my feelings certain things we discussed with the OB at the last appointment, and he makes sure that we don't forget to talk about those.
So it can be done
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We live far from family so it was just DH and I. I had wonderful nurses who were supportive of my birth plan, and wonderful midwives who were also supportive.
It took me a little while to convince DH that natural birth was for the best, but once he was on board it all went really well for us. It helped that I went from 6-10 cms in 10 minutes and didn't really have time to back out or question our plans. lol