What do you think (problems with DH)
marionravenwood
member
I've been having a really hard time adjusting to having LO. I had a lot of anxiety during my pregnancy so I don't know if this is hormone PPA-related of if I'm just terrible with adjusting to change. Things have been worse for me recently because LO, for the last 3 weeks, has started fighting every bottle, every nap, and crying inconsolably for no apparent reason. I'm home alone with her all day and I'm at my wit's end.
I confided in DH last night that I miss my old life and that sometimes I wish I could just run away (no plans on doing that, just expressing my feelings). I've mentioned this to him a few times now (over the span of 4 months). Last night after I told him this he got really mad. He's barely talked to me today and when I asked him why he said he was really upset by what I told him last night. He said he was sick of me telling him these things and that I should just be grateful for what I have and be happy with LO. That made me feel 10 times worse of course because I already feel bad enough that I'm not totally happy with my post-baby life.
He said "what would people on the boards say if you said I came home once a week saying I wasn't happy and wanted a divorce" (I've never even mentioned a divorce, but apparently this is what he's hearing). So ladies have at it. Is he justified in being mad at me? Am I ungrateful? Or are these normal feelings? Or is this abnormal 4 months in? Now in addition to all the other stresses I feel like my marriage is going down the dumper now too.
Re: What do you think (problems with DH)
Personally, I have never felt like you do so I can't relate. But I can understand what you are expressing are your own feelings. Your husband is probably upset that he can't make you feel better. He can't make you feel any different and is possibly feeling helpless, so he lashed out.
IMO, you should seek out some professional counselling and speak with your doctors. Is it possible you are dealing with PPD? Maybe even seeking out some "you" time is all you need. Do you get a few times here or there a week to do something without your LO? If not, I would start finding ways. Think about it. You have a whole new identity that you never had before that is pretty profound: mom. And sometimes we need to find a way to balance our old identities with the new.
I agree the 3-4 mo crying can drive me a little batty. I yelled at DS1 yesterday for no real reason other than he was being 2. Are you working? I'm still at home because I teach, so I'm here for the summer. Even though I am dying to be a SAHM, all day long in the house with both kids can make me a little nuts. I think to a certain extend, everyone wants to run away some days.
But I certainly don't feel that way all the time, daily, or for even more than a few hours here and there. You probably should talk to your OB or reg doctor about PPD. Left untreated, it could get really bad. As for the crying, if LO is drooling a lot it's probably the beginning of teething. I think that's what is going on here. If nothing else, strap LO in the car and drive around if baby will sleep in the car! I stop at Sonic too for a sleeping kids cream-slush. 
ETA: I know very few people whose marriages didn't suffer a little with a new baby too. Plan a date night! It will be hard for awhile, but it gets better.
I felt very much like you do for the first 3 months. Sometime in the middle of the night I had to wake DH up to make sure I wouldn't hurt my child. Of course, I would never in a million years do anything to harm my LO but I had never felt so exhausted, alone and sad in my entire life. The feelings scared me so much I was afraid to be alone with him sometimes. Of course DH didn't understand, but I didn't even care as long as he just sat with me. Like pp, I started carving out time for myself. Every single day when DH gets home, I go for a long walk w/ my I pod...it helped me soo much. Just a simple walk in the sun, away from from distractions. Make time for yourself every single day, no matter what, whether its a walk, a bath, reading a book, etc. You will be okay and will make it through this! Talking with a professional is a good idea as well. We are all her for you too! Hang in there! HUGS!!!
I am sure your DH is misunderstanding what you're saying and you should be able to vent to him. Maybe sit him down and explain that you don't really mean that you want to leave him or really run away but explain everything you go through as a SAHM. It's hard and I totally understand! Hope things get better for you and feel free to message me if you need to talk because I feel what you're going through!
https://www.renegademothering.com/2013/02/09/i-became-a-mother-and-died-to-live/
This floated around the boards awhile back, and I don't know if you've seen it, but I found it very relatable. I felt and still do sometimes feel exactly like you. My husband was at work and school for the first 3 month's of DS' life. With little exaggeration, I was basically a single parent. It has been and probably will be the hardest thing I have ever done. He would sleep on the couch so he could go to class then work while I stayed holed up in our bedroom at all hours trying to soothe an inconsolable newborn.
One of my good friends told me when she had her first she kept day dreaming of checking into a hotel alone and staying there for two days just sleeping and watching TV. It is no reflection on how you feel about your baby or the way your life is now. Motherhood is the biggest source of emotion, for better or for worse, and it's played up in the media and TV commercials as this peaceful, harmonious experience all the time. It's not. I think it takes courage to be honest with yourself and your spouse about your feelings, and probably the first step to helping yourself feel better. Maybe take a minute when things aren't so tense to clarify what you mean to your DH. Hang in there, mama, you're not flying solo by any means.
Motherhood can be incredibly overwhelming. Honestly, I had hand surgery this week, and was half excited, because I was getting a break. I love my children, but sometimes I need to be the old me. Can you get a little time just for you, or you and dh, just to feel like the old you?
There is something to be said about feeling depressed about giving up your "past life/past self" for this little creature. It. Is. Hard. It. Is. Sad. And no matter how joyful this new baby makes you, you still have a right to feel that loss.
People don't talk enough about PPD. I mean Brooke shields basically got blacklisted for coming out about taking meds for hers. The general public practically stoned her for being a baby hater! But we should talk about it! We all feel it, and it's perfectly normal.
I don't know who said it, a pp or the op, but I have definitely had those moments where I've had to hand DH the baby or I felt like i would hurt her. You lose your mind a little, and it's a good sign that we recognize our breaking points and SAY something or DO something about it.
You are doing a great job. Deep breathes, and try to go shopping or get your hair cut or something, it'll help.
Totally this. I think it's more an issue of not communicating the right way for him to get it. And I think that part is normal. It may be that you need an outlet and he isn't hearing exactly how you intend.
I hope that makes sense... it does in my head but I have my own communication issues!
So I just skimmed your post, but two things stuck out at me.
1. Men take what you say at face value. While women will obviously know you are just talking through your feelings, men are simpler than we are (it's true) and when you say you want to 'run away' that is what he is believing.
2. Having a baby is hands-down the biggest change I've ever experienced. It was ROUGH for me the first year. It took some major adjustment to come to terms with my 'new' life as a mom. You are not abnormal. Find good mom friends, focus on the positives of your new life. Find the humor in new parenthood and laugh about it with your husband. Mourn the old life and then let.it.go.
This. I'm also betting he wants to fix it. I'm seriously considering going to see a therapist for a bit, as I was feeling absolutely overwhelmed a few weeks ago, and right now I'm going through some other major life transitions (buying a house, finally finishing schooling and looking for a "real" job, etc). I was taking a lot of it out on DH even though I knew it wasn't his fault. So I want to find a neutral person to be able to talk to without DH feeling like he's doing something wrong.
To some extent, your feelings are normal. Only you and/or your OB can try to judge whether the depth to which you're experiencing them is within the range of "holy cow, what did I do?" feelings that many new mothers (myself included) have, or whether you're in PPA/PPD range. I think you should definitely talk to your OB. If it's PPD, then s/he can help you get treatment. If not, then you might want to look into finding a therapist to help.
BFP1: DD1 born April 2011 at 34w1d via unplanned c/s due to HELLP, DVT 1 week PP
BFP3: DD2 born Feb 2013 at 38w4d via unplanned RCS due to uterine dehiscence
You ladies are amazing! When I read your posts last night and this morning I cried happy tears because of the wonderful support you offered! I also showed some responses to DH and he promptly apologized for being short with me. We had a long chat last night and smoothed things over. So thank you for the supportive comments and for helping DH understand my point of view.
What's even better, LO slept through the night last night for the first time ever!
It sounds like what your husband is hearing from you is that you are dissatisfied with your life right now. That's why he threw out the comment about the divorce. It's not that he feels you want one, but he's trying to see how you would feel if he came home every week saying that he was dissatisfied with his life - how would that make you feel?
You SHOULD be able to express how you're feeling and your DH SHOULD be supportive. Unfortunately, I think men feel like they always have to fix things and if we tell them we are unhappy with our lives, it seems like an impossible task for them - especially if we are talking about feelings and not tangible things they can help with.
My suggestion would be to approach this topic again with some things your DH can actually do to help - can he lift some of your burden in any way? Help with feedings? Give you a break during the weekend to focus on your needs?
IME men respond really well when you give them a list of things they can do to help.