BTDT opinion on sister staying and helping for a week
Just need some opinions ladies. My sister who I am somewhat close with (closer with the other sister) has just offered to take a week's vacation time from work (which she has a lot saved up) and come stay with us states away after the baby is born to "help with whatever we need". She even mentioned laundry, helping clean house, etc.
I think this is a very generous offer, but I am weary for a couple of reasons. First of all, we told our parents who live 8 hours away that they couldn't even come stay at our house when they come to meet baby, as we will just be getting our act together, sleep-deprived and well- my parents drive me batty as it is. Second of all, mys sister is almost 30 and lives with my parents and does NONE of these things on a regular basis. I do think she would be helpful however- I think it is due to a messed up relationship with her and my parents.
How do I respond to her offer? On one hand, I think it wouild be nice and the other hand, I am worried about having a visitor for a week. If I do take her up on her offer, when would be a good time? Right after baby? A few weeks later? The week I start work so we don't have to start daycare my first week back? (I think she could handle this...) Thoughts?
Re: BTDT opinion on sister staying and helping for a week
I wasn't interested in any extended guests/"help" with my first. I wanted time for DH and I to figure out how to parent our baby on our own. She ended up having colic (bad, and it did not go away until 10 mo) and although you might think I would want help even moreso.. I remember the first time my ILs came and stayed after baby my MIL saying urgently "I think somethig may be WRONG with her (implying we should take her to the ER)" and I was like "No, she is a baby with colic...this is what she does in the evenings...." But she made me question myself. I hated that. I must have looked pissed b/c she apologized the next morning.
Anyway, I DID welcome help after subsequent babies - with the older kids. It was always nice ot have a grandparent or whomever around to deal with the bigger kids so that I can nurse baby, take a shower, eat etc.
Just my 2 cents but everyone and every family situation is different.
If you already told both sets of parents that the cannot come for the reasons you listed, I think it would look strange to now invite your sister to stay with you.
Plus, if she is 30yo and not already helping out with housekeeping while still living at home with your parents, I think you are right to assume that she will not be of much when she comes. No matter the relationship, people don't suddenly "get" how to do those things if they haven't had to do them before.
Honestly, I did not find that we needed help with our first. We were on a learning curve and we wanted that time to bond with the baby. With our second, it was nice to have someone to entertain our toddler once in a while, but I still did not need someone to live-in and help. Between DH and I we managed very well.
I would just trust your gut instinct on this one.
My MIL came and stayed with us for 2 weeks after DS was born and it was a lifesaver. I initially said I didn't want anyone to stay, but after being so overwhelmed when we got home I was very grateful for the help. She mostly watched DS so I could take little naps and did some light cleaning.
Of course if your sister doesn't do any of the things that she is offering to do for you for herself I'm not sure how helpful she will be. And if you already told both sets of parents that they can't stay with you then it could cause some hurt feelings.
I think it depends on how comfortable you feel with her. Meaning will it be like a house guest? Will you (right after giving birth) fell like you need to make sure she comfy, and happy in your house?
After each of my 3 DD births we only had people stay for 2-3 hours at a time to give us a little break to shower/nap. Other than that me and my DH handled everything between the two of us. He isn't fond of newborns so he would do dishes, laundry, run errands, take care of older kids while I focused on new baby.
Do what you are comfy with but I think if you are asking the question that maybe you don't really want it. Maybe you could see how the first few days go at home and let her know?
With DS, we were across the country from friends/family, so their visit required plane tickets, etc. We made it clear we didn't want any house guests the first 2 weeks after birth - they could fly out and stay in a hotel, but we needed to be able to have some of our own space. I'm so very glad we did this. Having a baby is such a major change that it's not always easy on a relationship, then you also add in sleep deprivation! We were glad to figure things out on our own, without the audience!
The second reason for not having house guests soon after birth was to give me help when DH went back to work. I'm a SAHM, and was worried about going from having DH there 24/7 to suddenly being on my own. It was WONDERFUL. I was able to get used to doing the feedings and diaper changes and all those practical things, but could hand DS off to take a nap or do something small for myself.