SIL advice
Chocodoxies
member
(Sorry so long)
My SIL1 comes from a very dysfunctional family. Needless to say it has made her a very manipulative. On a trip to Disneyland, we shared a two bedroom hotel suite. She took the largest room and made my husband and I bunk with her teenage daughter, who then complained that she couldn't get any sleep because of our three year old. Why wasn't her daughter sleeping in her room? We had each paid equal shares.
She got my mother to tell me to reschedule the date and time of my daughter's 5th birthday to accommodate her 4yo's nap and to save her gas since she would be in the neighborhood the day before. Really? Invites had already been sent out. This would have made it impossible for my SIL2 to attend and her daughter and mine are best friends.
The final straw is that she and my brother didn't want to push their 3yo into a twin bed and their 6mo/old needed a crib, so they borrowed our crib (at the time we didn't think we could have any more children so we loaned it). After 1.5 years we FINALLY have gotten our crib back today... broken. She told us we could buy another one off of craigslist, out of our own pocket.
Finally, 4 years ago I offered to host Christmas Eve (it is a huge holiday in my family and one of us three siblings hosts it each year). She sent a long letter to my mother saying my house was insufficient for her new baby. It was very hurtful but I shrugged it off and she held Christmas Eve at her home that year. Last year she hosted, and this year she has pushed me and SIL2 out of hosting so she can again. When I heard I asked if we could host so I could put my LO down during the festivities (much like she wanted four years ago). She laughed and said that she had already been planning.... it's May! SIL2 is in shock over the Christmas Eve arrangement (our family always accommodates the youngest child).
What shocks me is that my brother was not raised this way at all. I am at a loss for how to deal with her and I always get the feeling that she is trying to elbow me out of my family to make room for her (it won't work, but it is hurtful nonetheless). Any advice on how to handle this person?
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1st BFP 2/8/06 m/c @ 12 weeks;
2nd BFP 2/9/07 w/ Clomid; DD (Monica Caroline) born 11/16/07;
3rd BFP 3/25/11 w/ injections m/c @ 5 weeks;
4th BFP 8/3/11 w/ injections diagnosed blighted ovum;
5th BFP 1/20/12 m/c @ 9 weeks;
6th BFP 4/27/12 Praying for our rainbow
Re: SIL advice
This.
Fuuuuuuuuuick that chick.
I side eye all of y'all for letting her get away win it this long. Put your foot down or just keep bending over for her. Sorry.
Normally I would be in total agreement, as a matter of fact, this sounds like the kind of advice I would dole out (I am TOTALLY side-eyeing my whole family and dealing with some shame on my part). The problem is that she comes from such a manipulative and dysfunctional family that she thinks nothing of breaking up my family. She has been able to steer my brother's views in a negative way, and it is possible that she could forcefully put a wedge in my family if myself, or anyone else, is to strong in pushing back. My brother recently told me that thinks our eldest brother "doesn't like us" and so he "avoids family functions". I can only assure you that my eldest brother DOES enjoy us, but he can't stand our SIL and stays away to avoid the manipulations. Additionally, our middle brother (SIL's husband) used to have a close relationship with our brother and these words are not like him at all to say.
I do agree we need to stand up to her, but it needs to be done without being to in her face. Does anyone have a way of dealing with a manipulative family member that isn't so in your face? I seriously am worried about breaking my family further apart, but this has to stop.
I had so much trouble sleeping last night because of all of this, so this morning I called my mother to talk it out. She realizes, now, the level of manipulation that she is dealing with and feels we should, as a family, be reacting differently to my SIL. She admitted that she lets her get away with so much because she is afraid of losing contact with her granddaughters, which is of course a manipulation. SIL has already proven she will keep them from my mother to hurt her, but my brother stood up to her on that. He told her that he would not cut any of his family out of his life, period.
My mother says she was unaware of the Disneyland debacle (I tried to tell her, but she got very upset with me for "bringing negativity to the happiest place on earth"). She gave me some pointers for handling my SIL in the future, and says that we should fix Christmas by simply having SIL2 reclaim the day. My mother's way of handing the broken crib is to tell my brother "I was angry for a week after you returned that crib broken" and then let it lie. She thinks he will get the point. That is an excellent example of how our family deals with issues. My oldest brother builds wonderful furniture, so he is going to fix the crib for us.
Frankly, I think I may handle a lot of this in the future by simply not being there. My oldest brother can't stand our SIL, and though he is always polite and respectful, he is rarely "available" for family get-togethers.