Dragging out an old vent
Faith7
member
I've heard others say it, but suddenly I've reached my own limit with strangers and mere acquaintances feeling like it's okay to discuss my pregnancy because they can see my big belly.
How creepy would it be for me to approach an unknown woman with children and ask her, "Oh, are all these yours? And how old are they? What are their names? When are their birthdays?"
And yet people I don't know continue to ask me exactly when I'm due, whether it will be a boy or girl, whether it's my first, and what its name will be.
I know they're trying to be polite. I know they only have good intentions. But it doesn't keep me from resenting their stupidity and presumption! As though something this intensely personal and emotional, this experience that is at the center of my heart, that is shaking me to the very core and changing my whole existence, isn't much different from the weather or football scores and makes an excellent choice for small talk in the check out line or church parking lot.
Re: Dragging out an old vent
But. These questions don't bother me, obviously. To each her own, I suppose. Just do your best to not engage if you're uncomfortable with it.
FWIW, I also don't think it's "creepy" for someone to see a mother with her children and ask about their names/ages. People admire DD and ask about her all the time. It's flattering, and I could talk about her all day.
All of this! I love when people ask me about my children, and I love it when people ask me about my pregnancy, and what I am having! I also don't mind people touching my belly and asking me about my baby. I mean....it would get a little creepy to have them rub all over my belly, but a slight touch here and there doesn't bother me at all!
The only thing that I can't stand is when they ask if I have children already- "yes" and they ask what I have "two boys" and they ask what I am having now "another boy" and they say how sorry they are that I am not having a girl! I love my boys, and I love this little guy who isn't even born yet and I get really offended by this. Yes, it would have been nice to have a girl, but I am just as happy with another boy as I would have been with a girl. IDK maybe it's just me...but I find that to be really rude and offensive to have strangers apologize that I am not having a girl.
OP - I'm so right there with you. I swear I am not leaving the house again until I am on my way to the hospital. We were out running errands today and I told my husband just to pay attention to how many people were staring at me and he was shocked. It is as if people have never seen a woman at the end of her pregnancy before.
I am an introverted person by nature, and in particular when I am pregnant I am very private and introspective. Plus it doesn't help that I am one those people, who does not enjoy pregnancy. I am so beyond ready to be done with this part and have my sweet boy in my arms.
My two girls Flower and Ayla Faye
Eh, I am only bothered when strangers/acquaintances ask be about details of my birth plan or about whether this pregnancy was an "accident". Our landscaper was over the other day, and asked if the pregnancy was a surprise. I thought he meant if the sex of the child was a surprise, so I said that it was a boy. And he clarified- "no, was the pregnancy itself a surprise." I said "not really" and he said "oh, then you guys were working on this when I put your patio in last summer" awkward.... And the kind of comments I get creeped out by.
Due date, baby's sex, baby's name- none of that bothers me... Nor does the how are you feeling question.
BFP #1: 6.26.12 EDD: 2.11.13 missed m/c: 7.31.12 @ 12 weeks
BFP #2: 10.1.12 EDD: 6.11.13 Born 6.13.13
ETA I also don't mind when people ask about the son I already have. They're just being friendly and are curious. When we're out somewhere like the park or the pool, if I see a kid who is about my son's age, I'll ask how old they are bc I'm curious about how he compares developmentally to others. The opposite also happens frequently.
Exactly this! The secretary at school commented all the time on how I'm "all belly," and another coworker told me I was "getting so big" every single day. I know it's a generational thing and they mean well, but I got so annoyed with those comments day in and day out, it really got to me and caused a lot of unnecessary stress.
I also felt really uncomfortable with my pregnancy being the main topic of conversation all over work. I did not cease to exist when I became pregnant, but apparently to the older generation of women at work, I was "simply a vessel," as a younger coworker put it, and the only thing anyone ever talked to me about was my pregnancy. The same thing happened when I got married. Nevermind that I was graduating with my masters a month before getting married (and more proud about the degree than the wedding), the only thing people wanted to talk about was my wedding.
Same here. Polite questions are fine, but I get a little uncomfortable when I tell the due date and then people look me up and down and say "Are you sure?" Or "How much weight have you gained?" I've gained about 20lbs with this pregnancy, but people insist I'm too small and my due date must be wrong.
But I would rather have these comments from strangers than the ones from some of my family. My aunt's fiance said, "You've put on some weight since the last time I saw you!" Yep. Pregnancy does that. Then not two second later, he leans in close and says, "Now your husband is going to have to get in there and give you a boy." I just walked away.
This exactly!!
Exactly. These are all normal polite questions IMO.
It would be inappropriate if people started asking you what sexual positions you used to conceive, if it was an accident or commenting on how big or small you look.
I don't mind the due date and "what are you having?" questions, personally, but I did in certain contexts at certain times, and I can understand how they would be galling when you're feeling vulnerable.
At around seven months , I could not leave the house without somebody--strangers included--gasping and saying "You're SOOO BIG! Is it due SOON? NO??? Is it TWINS? NOOO??? Just ONE BABY?!?! You're TOO BIG! Are you going to make it to your due date?! I don't think you are!! Is it....OK? It's TOO BIG!" When any extra volume in there--and I'm not even sure I really had any, just that people were being a--holes--would have been due to large fibroids and I really did NOT appreciate random older b!tchy ladies saying at bus stops, "I work in [worst bedbug-infested hospital in city] and I KNOW that there has never been a lady THAT BIG who didn't have TWINS or a TOO-BIG baby. That's gonna hurt! I feel sorry for you--haHAA!" Not helpful. He was only 70th percentile at last u/s anyway--not too big, just "a little juicy, the way we like 'em," as the OB on duty said. The unwelcome comments all stopped at eight months when I started wearing flowing maxi dresses and big earrings and then people just told me I looked good.
And then the gender guessing--fairly early on, EVERYBODY was asking what I was having and then telling me all smugly I was having a boy. It got much worse right after I found out that I was most likely having a boy, and I had a three-day private spot of surprise gender disappointment that I was really ashamed of. It didn't last, thank G-d, and I realized it was because a) I'm not a boy and am not interested in certain things associated with boys like sports, and I didn't want to be either a bad mom who doesn't support her kid's interests or bored out of my gourd at sporting events if LO turns out to be into that stuff (not that he couldn't if he were a girl of course), and b) sexism pisses me off and I didn't want kudos for having a kid of the type that was often blatantly favored over girls when I was growing up, and c) most importantly, I had a really abusive mother who hated me and saw me as competition to be annihilated because I was a girl, and I realized that I really wanted to experience the mother-daughter relationship from the mother's point of view and value a girl for being a girl.
I'm actually glad now that he'll be a boy, because he doesn't need my childhood baggage, and doing my best to raise a caring, empathetic boy who values everybody regardless of gender will be a good challenge, and DH likes sports just fine and was like, "yo--I can play with him and take him to sporting events too!" And maybe I can learn to appreciate sports better if he turns out to be into them....But it was really hard for a little while, especially when the only "proper" response from pregnant women is an appearance of gratefulness for comments, even about size, and a friendly, beatific smile and "doesn't matter, so long as it's healthy" about gender. Which of course is a true thing and something I feel wholeheartedly now, but our feelings don't always do what we wish they would right away.
And we're all different anyway....I have been anxious about my pregnancy all along for various reasons (mostly due to negligence or inconsistency from the medical establishment), and these days nearly everybody I know has been having babies, and earlier I even sometimes hid birth announcements and adorable photos in my Facebook newsfeed, because I didn't want to deal with the sight of other people's babies when I won't feel comfortable until I'm holding my own. It was me being overly sensitive, sure, but it's OK to be overly sensitive or not have the "right" reaction. If you can't deal, you can't deal. It happens.
And sometimes it gets exhausting with the same questions over and over and one feels like a womb on legs. Before I got pregnant, if I saw pregnant people (like a few on my hall in our building), I'd just smile and ask them how they were doing, and if they wanted to talk about physical/pregnancy things I'd ask them further about that. Because you never know how anybody is feeling at any given time, and even the standard just-making-conversation stuff can be touching sore points.
Gaaah--I HATE "was it planned?" I mean, I'm 34 for G-d's sake! Not that it couldn't have been planned if I were younger, but--surely they are not questioning my maturity level at this point?? And then the question that usually follows: "did you have IVF?" Like it's their business! What is wrong with people?
And now that I'm OK and even very happy to be having a boy, people are not even asking me if I'm sad I'm not having a girl--they're just telling me--once they hear that I'm having a boy--things like "girls are better--boys go off and make their fortunes and girls stay with you for life." Which is totally ridiculous--I mean, I'm living in a different country from my family of origin, and I'm a girl! And the latest person to say this to me has a daughter who has been living all over the world and a son who stayed close to home and had a baby. (Or his wife did anyway.) Seriously--what is wrong with people?
Yes, I don't ever assume a woman I pregnant unless she brings it up, because your right, you don't know if they are just carrying their weight in their stomach, or just suffered a loss, or have a preemie in the NICU. I carried some weight in my stomach before I got pregnant, and I have been asked how far along I was. It was very offensive, and really rude of people to just assume that because I have a tummy I am pregnant! It's really hurtful, and makes you feel even worse about yourself!
Ugh, yes! I had a *little* tummy (while not pregnant) for a little while a few years ago, and weirdly, as I started working very hard on losing it and it started getting flatter, suddenly people started asking me when the baby was due and making references to my pregnancy! From the relatively cute and non-annoying (86-year-old nearsighted neighbor shouting joyfully, "ach me lassie! Is it pregnant ye are?!") to the creepy and annoying (shawarma guy leering, "now I see from your stomach that you are pregnant so no hot sauce for you, heh heh!"). It was pretty demoralizing! I know people are often trying to make light conversation, but they should be more careful!
I agree!
It's okay Brandi, just tell them you're getting the baby a sex change operation. ;-)
Heh, heh. Just read all these responses. Some of you sound just like my mom. (Which is probably a compliment because she's awesome.)
But it's amusing and sort of odd to me how the assumption is that one is supposed to enjoy something that is intended to be polite. I can appreciate the fact that people are attempting to be polite without really liking what they're doing. And that's what makes it even more vent-able: I can't be rude to them because they're not being intentionally rude, so I just smile and say brief, polite things back because I know they don't mean to annoy me. But I still hate those questions.
I thought I explained in the OP why I dislike it, but several of you still said you didn't understand. I dislike it because carrying and having a child is an intensely personal undertaking, and it is being used as small talk. In that sense, it feels as though it's being trivialized. I don't mind talking about it with people who really care, but when it's being used for chit chat by someone in passing, then it's obvious that they're caring more about polite social norms than about the actual topic. While it's not a cardinal sin to do that, it still puts me in the distasteful position of being obligated to follow convention and use that very personal topic for chit chat in order not to be rude to them.
Perhaps calling them "stupid" was a more emotional than thoughtful response. And i'd certainly admit that the bigger part of my vent is directed against an extroverted culture which expects people to be pleased that strangers are inquiring about their personal lives. But it still seems to me that it requires a certain lack of observation and imagination to persist in these questions without taking a moment to judge whether the other person seem forthcoming in their responses and eager to pursue the topic.