Could you be a surrogate?

NativeFloridian · May 2013

Mobile: Could you be a surrogate?

Or have you been?

This is a question for the ladies, obviously. Sorry, gents.

A friend of mine was hanging out with a good friend of hers and his boyfriend, and they asked her if she would be their surrogate. My friend has otherwise never considered having children and, as she explains it, "can't seem to imagine it as being a positive experience."

But she's pretty close with the couple, they're not planning on actually going through with the process for some time yet, and she wants to actually give it some consideration.

It just got me curious to know what others would do in this situation. Is there any situation in which you would consider being a surrogate?

RondackHiker · May 2013

I would consider it for someone close to me, though with my history of hyperemesis and my uterine scarring, I'd be a poor candidate.

tarebear9891 · May 2013

I can't due to being an extremely high risk candidate so this is moot point but I would like to think I would do it for someone extremely close to me like my sister.

Other than that, no I don't think I could.

klondikebar · May 2013

I wouldn't be a candidate due to my health. I didn't enjoy any of my pregnancies either. If it was physically possible, I still couldn't think of a situation in my life where I would do it. I don't have any sisters, my best friend is done having children and has grandkids already and my SIL is done having children. There's no one close enough I would consider it for.

pghmortdoll · May 2013

bearsbearsbears:
I had a fairly smooth pregnancy, but I have a hard time imaging being a surrogate.nbsp; I would have a hard time feeling the baby inside of me and having to give the baby up.I don't know if I could even do it for a close family member.

This exactly. I'm super emotional when not pregnant. I would think that I would become super attached and be really susceptible to ppd.

It sounds selfish, but I am only willing to go through pregnancy, labor and delivery if the baby is for DH and me.

proudworkingmom82 · May 2013

I would do it for my twin sister (she has endometriosis and some other issues and cant have a baby, she's already had 2 miscarriages and doctors told her it's very unlikely that she will ever have a baby). But for anybody other than my twin sister I don't really think I could. Honestly even doing it for her would be hard.

Runaway22 · May 2013

Like PPs said, it would be hard growing a baby knowing s/he isn't really yours. Being just a vessel could be dehumanizing.

That being said, I had an easy pregnancy and enjoyed being pregnant AND I'm broke. I get why people do it, but I'm not sure if I really could.

NativeFloridian · May 2013

bearsbearsbears:
SunnyDays26:
I had a very easy pregnancy and enjoyed being pregnant. Emotionally I think it would be difficult to carry a child for someone else, knowing at the end of the pregnancy I wouldn't have a baby. But, if my sister or sister in law asked me, I would at least consider it, since it would be an amazing thing to do for another couple. I have a good friend who is considering becoming a surrogate for a couple. She said she doesn't view it as being emotionally hard because it wouldn't ever be "her" baby to keep. I see her point from a logical standpoint, but I have a hard time imagining I could separate myself from the pregnancy enough to become a surrogate.
Out of curiosity--does your friend who is considering it have children already? I ask because I think it would impossible for me to make that separation.

No, she doesn't have kids and never planned to.

Runaway22 · May 2013

Also, I finally learned how to this:

colliebabe · May 2013

Yes, I could see myself doing it, whether it be for someone close to me or for a stranger. However I think I will be too old by the time we are done having our own children.

klondikebar · May 2013

Why do I feel like I'd be more stressed about the choices I was making during pregnancy if I was carrying another couple's child? And then I would feel guilty for not being as stressed about my own children. I think I would be an emotional wreck.

It's not like I didn't take care of myself or made poor choices during my pregnancies, but I would feel compelled to keep the best diet ever and never skip an after dinner walk, kwim?

Maebb · May 2013

I considered being a surrogate for my SIL, but then she decided to adopt instead. Anyway, I had a pretty easy pregnancy and labor and delivery, so I would do it. It would be hard emotionally to feel the baby inside you and then give it to someone else, but think about what an amazing gift that is. The only thing that scares me is that if something went wrong, I would feel like it's my fault, and I would feel so bad. But that could happen with any pregnancy, so I would try not to worry.

nancy30005 · May 2013

I am a hot mess of TTC+PP difficulties, but if it was my baby sister? Yes. She'd be the only one.

My pregnancy was great. After, not so much.

Snapdragon750 · May 2013

Before I got pregnant, I thought I totally could. Now that I have been, I know I couldn't.

I love being pregnant, my pregnancies have been easy and my delivery was textbook easy, and I'm still young and low-risk, but I know now that I could never give up any baby that grew inside me for 9 months.

izzourclue · May 2013

No way. I think I'd be way too bonded to be able to just hand an infant over even if it wasn't mine biologically. I would also not be able to go through child birth for someone else. Nora's birth was crazy traumatic for me and the thought of doing it again to have a second baby is a hard enough decision to make. I know some women have an easier time in labor and delivery than I did so I guess everyone's feelings on this subject would be different based on their own experience. I don't think it's wrong for someone to do it. It's an amazing gift, but I'm just not emotionally equipped to give it. I guess the only person on the planet I would do it for is my daughter using her egg. I've heard of them doing that now. They can implant an egg in post-menopausal women to gestate. I'd carry and deliver a baby for my baby. But I'd do anything for her (that was in her best interest).

amykins1283 · May 2013

After my first I would have said ot would be no problem for me to do for someone I was close with. After this last pregnancy, with preterm labor. A month of bedrest, a colitis flare up, and severe post partum anemia, the answer would have to be no. My doctor informed me that my problems would more than likely get worse with each subsequent pregnancy so it is not a risk I would want to take with someone else's child. I'm not ever planning on getting pregnant again.

NativeFloridian · May 2013

Runaway22:
Also, I finally learned how to this:

LOL, awesome.

MrsGoodkat · May 2013

I would but my preference would be a couple that I didn't know personally beforehand. My friend was a surrogate and she said that pregnancy vs. the ones with her own kids were like night and day as far as bonding goes, etc. I liked being pregnant and I do feel like I wouldn't feel the connection to someone else's baby inside me that I do my own.

My friend was actually going to carry another child for the same couple but they did 2 transfers and one didn't take and the other was a chemical pregnancy. I would feel bad if the pregnancies wouldn't take in my body with any couple, but even more so if it was a family member or close friend I had to face on a regular basis. I'd feel like I let them down so much more.

KikiSmash12 · May 2013

I seriously doubt it. I mean, I could, but I wouldn't unless it was an extremely close friend. My pregnancy was "easy" in the grand scheme of pregnancies, but it still sucked and I'm dreading the next pregnancy of my own. Anyone wanna be my surrogate?

cbidt*sgirl · May 2013

i was prepared to donate my egg and carry a child for my sister (she was unable to carry or produce viable eggs). the child would have had her husband's sperm. My DH did not think he could handle watching the child grow up (we live close to my sister and her DH) knowing that it was partly my biological child. so in the end they adopted instead. It was heart wrenching to have to say no, though I'm sure it would have also been difficult to carry but not parent that child.

NativeFloridian · May 2013

KlondikeBar:
Why do I feel like I'd be more stressed about the choices I was making during pregnancy if I was carrying another couple's child? And then I would feel guilty for not being as stressed about my own children. I think I would be an emotional wreck.
It's not like I didn't take care of myself or made poor choices during my pregnancies, but I would feel compelled to keep the best diet ever and never skip an after dinner walk, kwim?

YES, this was what I was thinking of. I mean, like everyone else said, I'd have a hard time growing the baby and then giving it up, but this is another aspect I think I'd have a hard time with.

Maebb:
The only thing that scares me is that if something went wrong, I would feel like it's my fault, and I would feel so bad. But that could happen with any pregnancy, so I would try not to worry.

This too!

NativeFloridian · May 2013

cbidt*sgirl:
i was prepared to donate my egg and carry a child for my sister (she was unable to carry or produce viable eggs). the child would have had her husband's sperm. My DH did not think he could handle watching the child grow up (we live close to my sister and her DH) knowing that it was partly my biological child. so in the end they adopted instead. It was heart wrenching to have to say no, though I'm sure it would have also been difficult to carry but not parent that child.

I can definitely see where your H was coming from.

MrsGoodkat · May 2013

cbidt*sgirl:
i was prepared to donate my egg and carry a child for my sister (she was unable to carry or produce viable eggs). the child would have had her husband's sperm. My DH did not think he could handle watching the child grow up (we live close to my sister and her DH) knowing that it was partly my biological child. so in the end they adopted instead. It was heart wrenching to have to say no, though I'm sure it would have also been difficult to carry but not parent that child.

I wouldn't be comfortable being an egg donor, either.

cbidt*sgirl · May 2013

MrsGoodkat:
cbidt*sgirl:
i was prepared to donate my egg and carry a child for my sister (she was unable to carry or produce viable eggs). the child would have had her husband's sperm. My DH did not think he could handle watching the child grow up (we live close to my sister and her DH) knowing that it was partly my biological child. so in the end they adopted instead. It was heart wrenching to have to say no, though I'm sure it would have also been difficult to carry but not parent that child.
I wouldn't be comfortable being an egg donor, either.

I couldn't have done it for anyone but her. And I completely respect my husband's POV on it. It was upsetting not to be able to help her in that way, but I know that it is something both DH and I would have to been 100% comfortable with; as did she.

cbidt*sgirl · May 2013

NativeFloridian:
cbidt*sgirl:
i was prepared to donate my egg and carry a child for my sister (she was unable to carry or produce viable eggs). the child would have had her husband's sperm. My DH did not think he could handle watching the child grow up (we live close to my sister and her DH) knowing that it was partly my biological child. so in the end they adopted instead. It was heart wrenching to have to say no, though I'm sure it would have also been difficult to carry but not parent that child.
I can definitely see where your H was coming from.

yup, I can too!

FrickandFrack · May 2013

I don't think I could. I love being pregnant and they have been very easy but I just don't think I could feel the baby, form that bond and then give it up. I know that technically the baby wouldn't be mine but that would still be extremely hard.

klondikebar · May 2013

NativeFloridian:
KlondikeBar:
Why do I feel like I'd be more stressed about the choices I was making during pregnancy if I was carrying another couple's child? And then I would feel guilty for not being as stressed about my own children. I think I would be an emotional wreck.
It's not like I didn't take care of myself or made poor choices during my pregnancies, but I would feel compelled to keep the best diet ever and never skip an after dinner walk, kwim?
YES, this was what I was thinking of. I mean, like everyone else said, I'd have a hard time growing the baby and then giving it up, but this is another aspect I think I'd have a hard time with.
Maebb:
The only thing that scares me is that if something went wrong, I would feel like it's my fault, and I would feel so bad. But that could happen with any pregnancy, so I would try not to worry.

This too!

I would have a hard time with this too. I've had losses. I was able make peace with the situation. I eventually put my thoughts to rest about things I could have done differently and not blame myself. I think it would be harder to get past if it was someone else's child.

bigbootyjudi · May 2013

No. Regardless of whether it would be a surrogate or a gestational carrier, no. I don't care whose egg/sperm it is, there is no way I could NOT get attached to a little human growing inside of me, KWIM?

I just emotionally couldn't do it.

talandree · May 2013

I would like to do it if my sister wasn't able to have kids for any reason, but I don't think I could do it emotionally. Just the fact that there's a tiny little human baby growing in me and then I'd have to give it away. I just wouldn't be able to.

shopgirl78 · May 2013

I don't think I could give up a baby that I bonded with for 9 months. I applaud those who can but I really don't think I could and be OK afterward.

missyishere · May 2013

KlondikeBar:
Why do I feel like I'd be more stressed about the choices I was making during pregnancy if I was carrying another couple's child? And then I would feel guilty for not being as stressed about my own children. I think I would be an emotional wreck.
It's not like I didn't take care of myself or made poor choices during my pregnancies, but I would feel compelled to keep the best diet ever and never skip an after dinner walk, kwim?

This is where I am. Plus, I didn't exactly like pregnancy. The idea of helping someone sounds great, but I just don't think I could do it.

LaceFace14 · May 2013

I really think I could. I'm done having children, I'm young, and have had 3 uncomplicated pregnancies with 1 very early loss. I could not be the egg donor which I think would make me the gestational carrier. Knowing that the child is not biologically mine from the start would make it easier for me. I'm not naive enough to think I wouldn't form any bond but what an amazing gift! I generally enjoy pregnancy and I know this will sound nuts but I actually like childbirth too. I'd get to do all that again with no newborn after and I think I'd actually enjoy that.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

Emotionally, I think I'm a great candidate for surrogacy. Pregnancy was pretty abstract for me, and I liked giving birth. I didn't feel like my daughter was mine until after she was born. I think knowing all through the process that it wasn't my child, it wouldn't feel like my child. I'm not sure I could do it with my own egg, though. And I would want to do it for a family member or close friend, so mom could be there at the birth, I could donate milk, etc. I think I would feel proud and happy I did it, not sad.

Physically, I'm not sure. I had horrible SPD and it's supposed to get worse with subsequent pregnancies. I also had a hemorrhage after birth and I'm not sure if that's something that might happen again. So it's probably not something I would risk unless it was for my own child.

shakes · May 2013

If I could, I absolutely would be a gestational carrier. I could be a donor for a stranger only if I knew I wouldn't be around the child. I am not 100% sure that I would be able to donate my eggs and then be around t watch that same child be raised by others. However, I have never been asked so in reality I can't say what my true reaction would be.

LadyXaverian · May 2013

Currently, no? When I was younger and in better shape, yes, I think I could have done it under for a family member or best friend.

ETA: I think I would have only done it as a true gestational carrier. I don't think I would have been able to donate one of my eggs.

jorkz821 · May 2013

For a close friend or family member, I would in a heartbeat. Though like PP said, I would be wayyyyyyymore anxious about doing and eating the right things and making sure everything goes well than if it were my own baby. Not sure why that is.

SandiaPinaMama · May 2013

Me, no but there was a surrogate on the May 13 board. It was pretty awesome to hear her experience.

nanabanana06 · May 2013

If it weren't for the fact that I'm reserving my final section for another kid of my own I would do it. I've thought of offering it up to my brother when he gets married one day, but I more than likely will be done making babies by that time.

NativeFloridian · May 2013

Yeah, ultimately I like to think I could be a surrogate but realistically...probably not.

Jessys_Girl · May 2013

In a sense, I was a surrogate for friends of mine. (though really it was an adoption)

When DD was about 3 months old, I got pregnant (though I didn't find out until she was about 6 months old) and DH and I were not in a position to have another child (he has two from a previous relationship, DD is number three and we were NOT doing well financially....there were many obstacles and issues, that I won't go into here). One of my best friends had just lost a baby at 37 weeks and there were some medical issues so she wouldn't be able to get pregnant again...she was devastated. It was almost like God (sorry for those of you who aren't religious) placed this opportunity right in our paths. We had a baby we couldn't keep and they needed a baby/wanted a baby they couldn't have.

We approached them even before we told anyone we were pregnant. And they were overjoyed. We have an open adoption and some day when the baby is old enough we will explain to all the children what the situation is, I am very close with them still and I'm referred to as baby's aunt for now. Many, if not all of our friends know the situation.

It's truly been the most amazing experience for me. I never got "attached" to this baby as a mother, because from the outset I looked at her as someone else's child. But I do love her tremendously and feel an overwhelming pride/love for her whenever I see how much she is growing and doing. It was a difficult decision to make, but it was the RIGHT decision to make. She can have a life I knew I couldn't give her.

NativeFloridian · May 2013

Scout2005:
That's amazing, Jessys girl. I'm sure it's a challenging situation at times, but it sounds like you made a loving and selfless choice.

+1

Could you be a surrogate?

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