Sense of Urgency?
My husband and I have had a semi-argument a couple times now... would love some outside perspective/advice.
It usually starts with the weekend slipping away and me wanting more to get done. We are down to just a couple of projects before the house is DONE being fixed up. Hubs and my dad worked on some final plumbing yesterday and today it's been spackling, tomorrow hopefully painting. There are two rooms that need significant painting (ceiling and wall patch touch-ups). He checked up on the spackle and said he thought he might need to finish it tomorrow and paint during the week. This makes me nervous because working on the house after work doesn't usually happen, and I am 39 weeks on Thursday.
So I said, "You just can't count on any more time. I don't feel like you get that. We could be parents tomorrow for all I know." I feel like he has this idea that the baby just magically won't come until we're done with our chores/prep.
He then gets aggravated and tells me, "I feel like you want me to get upset or panic or something, and I'm just not going to do that." I don't want him to get upset, but I want him to stop being so comfortable putting things off. It's hard to even express what I want from him, but every fiber of my being is telling me to nest and get things ready. I just wish he would get on board and stop acting like everything is business as usual.
I feel like there is a way to have a sense of urgency without panic/upset. Am I crazy? I really am not trying to get him to freak out, but I feel like I'm the only one who gets how much our lives are about to change.
FWIW, I did say repeatedly that if we have the baby tomorrow, I get that this stuff won't be done and I'm okay with that. Enough is done that we could hit the ground running with our baby boy. I just think it'd be better if we did get things like the painting done.
Re: Sense of Urgency?
I understand that the nesting urge can be strong, but none of the things you mentioned sound like they NEED to be done before baby comes. And honestly, they can get done after, too. Your lives will not stop when the baby comes; there will be plenty of time to paint. Take a deep breath and relax, mama!
I think you need to calm down a little. Maybe at this point since you have so few things left to do it would be a good idea to just hire someone to finish the work.
Take a deep breath and relax.
Oh man... I hear you on the video games! The thing is, there aren't many things I can do myself at this point. I already vacuumed, I am cooking meals to freeze tomorrow, Tuesday, and Wednesday. If I could mulch the garden, I would have done it by now.
I do appreciate the 'take a deep breath' advice. I know it will be okay if it doesn't get done. I promise, I'm not freaking out on him. We haven't yelled about it. I just think we're both frustrated. He wants me to trust him to get it done. I want his reassurance that it's a priority for him, too. Hm... maybe that's how I should put it.
Similar stuff is going on with us. I'm 36+2 and I *JUST* got him to help me put the crib together today and rearrange the furniture in our room to accommodate it, after weeks and weeks of trying. The rest of the room was still in chaos (boxes, etc. everywhere) and he said, "OK, we're done here, right? We're all ready?"
I said, "um..." and looked at all of our boxes and piles of stuff and he got upset. But we're supposedly going to get it done before we go to sleep tonight.
I think anticipating LO coming is stressing him into inertia at the same time I'm seriously experiencing nesting but can't move furniture around for obvious reasons. I'm also usually the handy...person around the house, and he still feels like he has to be The Man and do it all, even when it's stuff that I can handle more easily (like fiddling with Ikea screws). He confessed after we put the crib together that he was terrified that he wouldn't be able to do it, and I don't want to put thoughts in his head but I think he may be worried about that on a more general scale.
Sorry... I wasn't really clear. It's that he stops working if one job hits a wall. Spackle needs to dry, so I won't paint the other room or hang the pictures. Then he gets annoyed with me for moving to those other things on the to-do list.
CJ 05/29/2013
I can relate. I am the type of person, pregnant or not, that always wants to do stuff to improve our fixer-upper home. I want everything done with the house, but it requires time and money. My DH is fine with taking time to get things done, and it is good that he is more laid back, because we'd be in major debt if we did all these projects at once. I think as a FTM I just want EVERYTHING to be perfect in time for baby, even though the baby doesn't care if we have finished the landscaping or have a house that is completely cleaned, decorated, etc. If certain things don't get done before the baby comes, they will get done eventually!
Ok.. so he isn't moving around to various projects and not "wrapping one up" he just plain stops? UGH... ok.. that would be annoying. Try to do what you can then I guess.
Take it easy while you still can. It's not a big deal if some things aren't done before baby gets here.
Also, it's better to do all of the house stuff properly than to rush.
Wow, it really helps to know I'm not the only one. My husband and I came the closest we've ever come to a fight this morning about this very thing.
The first issue is the fact that he seems to be the victim of a million circumstances which just refuse to line themselves up into the perfect conditions for the nursery to be built. My idea is to MAKE IT HAPPEN no matter what the circumstances choose to do with themselves. This is pretty much how I see most things in my life. He calls me stubborn.
The second issue is that of communication. If he would tell me clearly not to plan on this or that getting done unless these seven circumstances can be arranged, I could deal with that. I would figure out how to manage. Instead he just lets it drag out, with vague little nonspecific comments about what might happen. He refuses to be specific or take a stand, and I feel like I've been misled.
I think they're symptoms of a much bigger clash of personalities. I believe that these differences can become a strength as a couple if we learn to use them together in appropriate ways. Instead, we're just pulling against each other right now and it's so frustrating because now, more than ever, I really need us to be on the same page.
And I need a nursery.
And I really, really need to feel like I can trust my husband, which is not happening right now. I'm so tempted to pull away inside and tell myself that I'll not make this mistake again; I'll take care of what I need, thank you very much, and he can play his **** video game. But--gosh!--what a horrible way to live!
I think it's going to be a while before we figure out how to manage this difference appropriately.
At least you recognize your strengths and weaknesses as a couple. That's definitely a step in the right direction.