Awkward Questions - Newborn Edition
markhamgurl
member
My mom ran into one of my friends' mom in my small hometown, yesterday. Apparently, during their brief conversation, this woman flat-out asked her if I was nursing my LO. Huh?!
Good ol' mom (who is very prim and proper and was surely uncomfortable being asked this question) was very vague and didn't give her the information she was after... but it leads me to ask, under what circumstances is that an okay question to ask someone (or about someone)?
I suppose I find it to be a very personal question because I'm still so disappointed that breastfeeding didn't work out for us, and I was terribly torn when making the decision to formula feed. I feel like that kind of probing question just raises those feelings of sadness and failure again.
Not to mention, this woman's daughter (who I've known since Grade 4 and have been very close to since Grade 11 .. I'm 30 now) still has yet to visit and meet DD. She lives a whopping 2-hr drive away. It's too bad my mom didn't think to ask when this friend plans on visiting us! Y'know, in the spirit of asking awkward questions and all, hah.
Re: Awkward Questions - Newborn Edition
I personally don't feel it is that big of deal for people to ask, I am sure you are also a little sensitive because you were unable to.
I was in the same situation as you, I wanted to, I tried, I failed. I hated when people asked because I feel like I had to put on the best defense ever or they would think less of me.
Whenever someone asks, it's always followed with them telling me some story about their own personal experience. I think it's just people's way of connecting or something like that.
ETA: after reading other responses I see how it definitely could be an uncomfortable question. I've never asked anyone it and I wouldn't ask someone that, just because I honestly don't care how you feed your baby. I guess I'm just so used to people asking and I really do think the people asking have been harmless.
I struggled in the beginning with supply and was having to supplement with formula so the question was always very awkward for me as well because I felt bad straight up saying yes, I always felt I had to explain the situation.
"I don't ask what you do with your boobs so don't ask me."
BFing didn't work out with me twice, for various reasons. The second time, it was my choice and I made peace with that decision. I'm not offended if someone asks. I think it's important that people have other perspectives, that while breast is best, you're not going to hell if you choose (or have to choose) formula. Maybe if women weren't so ashamed if they didn't breastfeed, it could make the decision easier and less full of guilt for others. I don't know.
And does your friend have other issues going on? TTTC?
This. It's no one else's business!
I third this! People would ask me when I was pregnant if I planned on BFing. I would tell them that it was a personal question to ask someone. I had a hard time with DS so I honestly didn't know what I'd be doing with DD.
I don't think the questions is that weird -- after all, it is two women talking about new motherhood... pretty common thing.
However, I think it is a little weird that you expect somebody to driev 2 hours to meet your baby. I barely expect people to drive 20 minutes to meet James -- we're all super busy, we're not going anywhere, and their worlds dont' revolve around me!
I agree. I didn't expect (or really want) anyone coming over to meet DS.
I literally get asked that same exact question every single time I go out...my waitress at Applebee's asked me the other weekend. I have twins so I'm not sure if people are just curious as to whether you can nurse 2 babies or what the deal is but I'm always surprised at who as the nerve to ask. I would NEVER have thought about asking someone that and probably never will!!!
I was with you until this:
"Not to mention, this woman's daughter (who I've known since Grade 4 and have been very close to since Grade 11 .. I'm 30 now) still has yet to visit and meet DD. She lives a whopping 2-hr drive away. It's too bad my mom didn't think to ask when this friend plans on visiting us! Y'know, in the spirit of asking awkward questions and all, hah."
I'm sorry, I'm not driving 2 hours to intrude on someone who just had a baby.
Nice, lol.
I feel that it's common knowledge that breastfeeding is tough - and if that's not enough - everyone seems to have an opinion on it! So in my mind, bringing it up in conversation is akin to discussing politics, hah.
I'm impressed that so many of you are cool with being asked about breastfeeding (really). I'll probably be less sensitive about it when DD is no longer on formula, and I can speak about my experience without it feeling so raw.
THIS. Absolutely none of anyone's business. I don't ask them what they fed their children that morning, and honestly don't care. Why should they ask/care what I fed mine?
This exactly. While my baby has become all I think about 24/7 and he's the best thing in the whole world, I realize people have their own lives. Expecting someone to drive four hours round trip seems unrealistic.
He's my fairytale, a dream when I'm not sleeping.
<a href="http://s279.photobucket.com/albums/kk121/behapybride/?action=viewWhen I teared up at Subway after a woman told me that I cant get onions on my sub when my baby was tiny- she totally deserved to feel as bad as she did.
ETA- I felt immense guilt about this forever- I know it's ridiculous to get that upset about it, but it was hard for me at first.
I dont think it's that personal of a questions, especially between moms, but because of the guilt that can come with not doing it, I never ask. Ever.
i agree. I mean, people who spend any time with you can quickly see for themselves whether you are breastfeeding or formula feeding. However, I do understand that someone who really wanted to breastfeed and couldn't might not want to talk about it with people they don't know that well.
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Nov siggy challenge: animals eating Thanksgiving food
Rhys - born 04.17.2013
Harry - born 04.18.2016
All of this. My twins are 9 weeks today, and my dad just came to meet them this past weekend (he lives 3 hours away). A 2 or 3 hour drive plus a visit basically kills an entire day- other people are busy in their own lives!
I hate when people ask this. To me it is such a loaded question. I agree with PP who compared it to discussing politics. I don't get why people care, unless it is to judge or lecture someone who doesn't BF. It has nothing to do with being uncomfortable about breasts or breastfeeding. If I had been able to BF DD 5 years ago and if I was having more success with BFing my twins now, I probably wouldn't mind answering the question. It is just very difficult when you already feel such a sense of guilt and then feel you have to defend yourself to everyone who asks.
As for your friend not visiting, I guess it all depends on your relationship with her now. If you have been close for 13 years I can understand you being upset if she hasn't mentioned that she plans on visiting. But if she said she plans on visiting and she's waiting, she just might want to give you a little more time to get adjusted to life at home with baby. Maybe she's waiting for an invitation? Just let her know that she is welcome to visit.
6 year old daughter
Fraternal boys born on May 11, 2013 at 36 weeks 4 days
Lurker in::::
I'm already getting asked if I plan to breastfeed (26 weeks pregnant) and I also find it a very loaded and personal question. I usually just answer, "the baby will definitely be fed." smile and give a little laugh. My plan (so far) is when a question makes me uncomfortable just to be as vague as possible.
:::Lurker out
DH: 37
Married: May 24, 2008
TTC #2 since: June 2020
This, totally this.
This. Whatever guilt you may harbor aside - considering this a TMI and awkward question makes it sound like a private sexual thing, like our culture tries to keep it.
Ginny DX 21-Hydroxylase Deficiency Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia
Charlie DX Specific Antibody Deficiency & ASD
That question is not at all unusual for women to ask other women. Due to supply issues, I formula fed my DS. I am BF my DD. Both responses have been received with a "That's nice." I have never gotten judgement either way.
As for your friend not visiting, I think you are being a bit unrealistic. I have friends who live 20 minutes away, and a close relative who lives 15 minutes away. They have not met DD yet. They have their own lives and will meet her eventually. Not everyone is totally enamored with newborns.