3rd Trimester

Sad over baby's name (long)

When I met my guy I knew he was the 4th... George Joseph Irving the 4th... and I knew that he wanted to name his son the 5th one day. I was fine with that, I was 25 years old and not planning on having children for another 5 years or so, didn't even know if I'd end up settling down with Joe. I'm now almost 28 and have a little baby boy on the way. I have to be honest, I really don't like the name George (sorry if that's going to be your baby's name) I imagined naming my baby Christian or Colton or I don't know something other than that.

Last year my grandfather, the only father figure I've ever known passed away. This was a man I LOVED more than anyone, we were inseperable. It was a very special relationship and I still cry when I think about losing him.

When I found out I was pregnant (before I even knew the sex) I kept waking up in the middle of the night and dreading naming my child the 5th without including my grandfather's name. I finally said something to Joe, I asked him if he would compromise and let me include my grandfather's name somewhere... George Joseph Harry Irving the 5th (poor kid.) He agreed

Yesterday, Joe revealed that he is very hurt about me wanting to include my grandfather's name, he says it makes it seem like I don't respect him and his name, not to mention his father etc. He also said "you always knew I wanted to name my first born after me" ... basically, that I knew what I was getting myself into... I didn't know my grandfather was going to pass on me like that, I didn't know that the name would bother me as much as it does, I feel like he's getting the whole name he wants but with something special put in there for me.

I'm growing this baby, my body is the one that's packed on a million pounds, I'll be the one delivering, this is my FIRST baby too and I don't know if I'll ever have another one, let alone a son to name after my grandpa. I am super depressed over this situation, it creates an unnecessary cloud over what should be a happy time... and I am so tired of always giving other people what they want when I know I'll regret it later...

 Should I keep insisting on having my grandpa's name in there? It means so much to me.

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Re: Sad over baby's name (long)

  • I would continue to talk about this with your husband, and explain to him how important this is.  Let him know just what you said here- you don't know if you'll have another son, you didn't know how you'd be feeling to lose your grandfather, and try to see if he can understand that as important as the name is to him, it is also equally important to you.  This little guy is both of yours, and you both need to be happy with your final decision.  I'm sorry you have this struggle- it certainly doesn't have an easy solution.
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  • I'm sorry but I'm having a hard time reading past the "asking if he will let me include my grand fathers name"....

    This baby is equally yours and you BOTH need to have a say. You aren't birthing this child for your H. No way I would have no say so in my child's name.

    You need to definitely communicate your feelings.
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  • George Joseph Harry Irving the 5th would not be the fifth, he would be the first. It's only the 5th if the name is exactly the same with every generation.

    That said  I think including your grandfather's name as a middle name is a VERY good compromise(more than fair really) since overall he is still getting the bulk of the name. Either he allows this or you start from scratch with a totally new name, because you should NOT dread your own son's name.

    You didn't mention if you were married or not, so I'll tell you this, if you aren't, I wouldn't even consider going with most of his legacy name, because YOU are the one who will be stuck hearing it all the time for the rest of your son's life, regardless of whether he stays in the picture. 

    Due with #5 April 22, 2015. It's a girl!!!!! 

     Yes it was planned, yes we know what causes that, no we are not on public assistance, and yes we will be getting cable after this. ;)

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  • imageBliss+Berry:
    Your H is being selfish, unreasonable and unfair. This is your child just as much as his and you have just as much say in the name.  Don't be a doormat.

     Exactly!!!

    Oh, and as for the 'he always wanted...' factor...I always wanted a pony, doesn't mean I'll ever get one. If he just wanted a clone he could name all by himself, he should have gone with a surrogate. 

    Due with #5 April 22, 2015. It's a girl!!!!! 

     Yes it was planned, yes we know what causes that, no we are not on public assistance, and yes we will be getting cable after this. ;)

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  • Why not keep the name as is, since it's important to your H and you did agree to it, but call him Harry?  What you call your kid doesn't really have to have anything to do with his name.  My XH was a 4th (Earl Frederick) and he went by Rocky.  I didn't even know his real name until after we'd been dating for several months and I saw his driver's license for the first time.  If we had a son he would have been a 5th but we had a different name picked out to actually call him.  I have a friend who's a 5th and he goes by Jack even though that's not at all what his name is (Charles Randall).

    And just a fun US government FYI should you live in the US- after 7 years of usage a nickname can be claimed as an "assumed name" and be used on official documents.  My XH's full name on his driver's license is Earl Rocky Frederick even though Rocky isn't on his birth certificate and he never legally changed it.  Rocky is also the name on his credit cards and bank accounts and tax forms.

     

    B born 7/15/13, C born 3/2/15, #3 on the way May '17


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  • imageBliss+Berry:
    Your H is being selfish, unreasonable and unfair. This is your child just as much as his and you have just as much say in the name.  Don't be a doormat.

    I would think this if OP hadn't agreed to naming the child this years ago.  It might be a really important thing to him which is why he brought it up when they first met to make sure she was OK with it.  So her changing her AFTER getting pregnant and finding out they are having a son sounds a little selfish to me.

    B born 7/15/13, C born 3/2/15, #3 on the way May '17


    I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up linked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond! I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive.

  • imageJCWhitey:

    imageBliss+Berry:
    Your H is being selfish, unreasonable and unfair. This is your child just as much as his and you have just as much say in the name.  Don't be a doormat.

    I would think this if OP hadn't agreed to naming the child this years ago.  It might be a really important thing to him which is why he brought it up when they first met to make sure she was OK with it.  So her changing her AFTER getting pregnant and finding out they are having a son sounds a little selfish to me.

    ITA.  I'd find a nn that I loved and go with that. 

    ETA:  NN suggestions- Joey, Joss, maybe Jack, Jay.....Going ny Joseph would also be nice

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  • jlpevjlpev member
    imageBlissBerry:
    Your H is being selfish, unreasonable and unfair. This is your child just as much as his and you have just as much say in the name. nbsp;Don't be a doormat.


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  • I understand the way you are feeling my fav name was Noah I loved it,dreamed abot it,thye whole nine.My husband hated it!His name is Nicholas Philip and he wanted a junior.I on the other hand wanted to have his middle name Joseph after my Grandfather who was my father figure also and passed away 3 yrs ago.my husband was very passionate about having a jr.but he COMPROMISED and he UNDERSTANDS hoe important my grandfather was and is to me.I am THANKFUL because I know he gave up something as well.It is all about compromise.My husband even said he didnt mind if I called our son Jo Jo.I do like the name Nicholas but hubby is Nick im Nicole lol,plus my oldest nephew is Nicholas.Sorry so long my point is......value the importance of a man having his first son named after him but DONT IGNORE what is important to you.I feel your deal was more than fair.GOOD LUCK!!

  • I am in a kind of similar situation. I met my husband 6 years ago when I was 21 and he said he always wanted a Jr. And I agreed being 21 and children seeming like such a far off idea. I had a mini meltdown after finding out the sex because I just felt like the baby was half me, and his own person but his name already belonged to someone else. I really wanted him to have his own identity. After talking to my husband, we compromised and he will be Michael John Jr. But we are going to call him MJ! My husband felt bad that I was so upset about it and was happy to compromise! Hopefully you two can figure it out :
  • Your desires and family wishes are just as important as his. I think your husband should compromise. 


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  • He's being very chauvinistic about the whole thing...like he's the man, his word goes. Why don't you deserve respect?
     

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  • blush64blush64 member
    I don't think one parent should have all the power in naming a child. However, if one parent were to have all the power the power in naming a child why would it be the man?

    I would not let it go. Your husband needs to respect your wants as much as be demands you respect his. People change. Even if you loved his name to start with you are allowed to change your mind. He needs to be open to compromise.

  • blush64blush64 member
    imageJCWhitey:

    imageBlisrry:
    Your H is being selfish, unreasonable and unfair. This is your child just as much as his and you have just as much say in the name.  Don't be a doormat.

    I would think this if OP hadn't agreed to naming the child this years ago.  It might be a really important thing to him which is why he brought it up when they first met to make sure she was OK with it.  So her changing her AFTER getting pregnant and finding out they are having a son sounds a little selfish to me.



    Selfish is demanding your way no matter what. Demanding that the woman growing and giving birth to a baby be forced to name a child something she doesn't want to. People change. OP is allowed to change. Adults compromise.
  • imageScarletOflaherty:

    George Joseph Harry Irving the 5th would not be the fifth, he would be the first. It's only the 5th if the name is exactly the same with every generation.

    That said  I think including your grandfather's name as a middle name is a VERY good compromise(more than fair really) since overall he is still getting the bulk of the name. Either he allows this or you start from scratch with a totally new name, because you should NOT dread your own son's name.

    You didn't mention if you were married or not, so I'll tell you this, if you aren't, I wouldn't even consider going with most of his legacy name, because YOU are the one who will be stuck hearing it all the time for the rest of your son's life, regardless of whether he stays in the picture. 

    Agree on both. With the addition of the middle name the baby will not be the 5th. However, if not married, I would never give my baby the father's last name or legacy.

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  • Adding your grandfather's name wouldn't make him the 5th anymore. You did agree and I understand that you loved your grandfather, but you need to discuss with your husband about your options. If he loved the name so much, he wouldn't go by Joe. Maybe name the baby something else and if you happen to have another boy, that one can be the 5th. 
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  • I can see both sides, however I'm not sure I understand the disrespect your DH claims you're showing. It's not like you're not naming your child George along with the two middle names, but you're adding in Harry. How is that disrespectful? I find it quite disrespectful of him not to honor your side of the family at all. It borders on being slightly egocentric and domineering. I don't know. I think you have a valid point that you're carrying this child. I think you should insist.

    My Dad had a similar name that was being passed down on his side. After having two girls my Mom had my brother. Luckily my Dad wasn't as insistent about the name (even though it was his name but he went by his middle which was unique to him) because my Mom didn't want to pass down a name for personal reasons. My Grandparents were initially upset but they didn't care after awhile. Do what you feel is RIGHT to you.

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  • I'm torn. Part of me thinks that since you initially agreed to it you shouldn't try to take it back now. But I also think your husband is putting way to much importance on a name and should try to compromise.

    My husband is a III, but he always knew that I didn't want to name my child the IV. Knowing his family heritage was important to him we compromised. His first name is the baby's middle name, and we agreed on a new first name. So baby's not a IV, but we're still honoring his family in our own way. 


    Evelyn (3.24.10), Graham (5.30.13) & Miles (8.28.16)
  • Ditto the PP who mentioned that whatever the name, he wouldn't be a 5th unless all 5 generations were still living. One moves up in rank when the older generations die out, unless you have a title of nobility, like 5th Earl of whatever. Technically your SO is probably only the 3rd.

    Married or not, I wouldn't waver on using your g-pas name in there somewhere. I think it is ridiculous to suggest that you are being selfish just because you didn't pitch a fit years ago when he first mentioned that he wanted to pass down his name.

    I'd nip it all in the bud with something much shorter. He isn't the only person who made this baby, he isn't the only one who gets to name it. Marriage is a compromise, grown ups work together to name a child. If you aren't married yet, I think this fit he is pitching speaks volumes on future struggles you may have with parenting. 

    Joseph Harry

    George Harry

    Harry Joseph

     

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  • I think you either need to use both names or agree on something else entirely. I'd try for something else entirely. 

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  • If you are not married to "your guy"   then you do not owe him this... even thought it is his baby too he needs to respect you and respect your opinion too.   I hate men that do not respect women.  It is a mutual decision to name your baby.
  • My DH is a second (named after his grandfather, so not a JR).  When we first got together I knew he wanted to name his DS after his dad, so he would also be a second. At the time I agreed because, like you, kids seemed far away and it didn't seem like an issue.  I am pregnant with a little boy and things changed.  I think becoming pregnant made it more real and the more I thought about our son being a second the more I didn't like it.  I don't think you should get stuck in "a promise is a promise."  People grow and change individually and as a couple.  Don't feel obligated because you said, "sure okay" in one moment 3 years ago.

    DH and I compromised.  DS will have DH's father's name for a first name and MY father's name as a middle name.  He is still continuing a tradition (DS will be the 4th Thomas but will have a middle name from my family).  We are both very happy with the name choice, and neither one of us feels negatively about our son's name.  You need to BOTH be happy. This isn't like choosing a wall color that you can change every 5 years. This is the name you will call your son for the rest of your life.

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  • imageBliss+Berry:
    imageblush64:
    imageJCWhitey:

    imageBlisrry:
    Your H is being selfish, unreasonable and unfair. This is your child just as much as his and you have just as much say in the name.  Don't be a doormat.

    I would think this if OP hadn't agreed to naming the child this years ago.  It might be a really important thing to him which is why he brought it up when they first met to make sure she was OK with it.  So her changing her AFTER getting pregnant and finding out they are having a son sounds a little selfish to me.

    Selfish is demanding your way no matter what. Demanding that the woman growing and giving birth to a baby be forced to name a child something she doesn't want to. People change. OP is allowed to change. Adults compromise.

    This.  I find it appalling that the significant other is holding her to something he told her he wanted when they first started dating.  What if she only had daughters, would he leave her for someone else to have a son because she agreed that he would have a 5th eventually?  

    I can't imagine my husband completely dismissing my feelings about something as important as my child's name, especially when it came to a very meaningful family member because I made a ridiculous promise on our first date.  Of course he wouldn't because he's not an egotistical douchebag.

    Yes 

    I love you. That's all.  


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  • The problem with this situation is that there really isn't a way to compromise.  Either the kid is "the fifth" or he's not.  One person isn't going to get their way- this isn't the typical "ok, my favorite name will be the FN and your's can be the MN". 

    I love the baby naming process and I'd be bummed if I were in your shoes, OP, but I think I'd probably suck it up.  This isn't your guy looking for his son to be a JR., this is generation after generation of this tradition in his family.  I'd be looking for a silver lining and (as I said before) coming up with a great NN to call him.
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  • imageScarletOflaherty:

    George Joseph Harry Irving the 5th would not be the fifth, he would be the first. It's only the 5th if the name is exactly the same with every generation.

    That said  I think including your grandfather's name as a middle name is a VERY good compromise(more than fair really) since overall he is still getting the bulk of the name. Either he allows this or you start from scratch with a totally new name, because you should NOT dread your own son's name.

    You didn't mention if you were married or not, so I'll tell you this, if you aren't, I wouldn't even consider going with most of his legacy name, because YOU are the one who will be stuck hearing it all the time for the rest of your son's life, regardless of whether he stays in the picture. 

     

    This.. all of it.  Plus, I had a child not married thinking I would marry and my son has his dad's last name, and we have never had the same last name.  AS pp said, not sure if your married or not.

    lolololo
  • :: shrugs ::

    My husband said he always wanted a junior, I said " no." I knew a long time ago I didn't want a junior,so we had to find something we both agreed on.  DS's first name is my husband's middle name.  In addition, our first daughter's middle name ws the feminine version of his first name.  Now, we are both happy with what we chose to name our children.

  • My brother is a III and I think the third generation is pushing it on the name continuation thing.  IV and V get ridiculous in my opinion.  Odds are the fifth person never even met the first person so I'm not sure all four predecessors have to keep honoring him. It's an outdated tradition and I wouldn't sit blindly by while your baby's father tells you what to do.  Coparenting is going to require a lot of compromise.  Start now.
  • imageBliss+Berry:
    imageblush64:
    imageJCWhitey:

    imageBlisrry:
    Your H is being selfish, unreasonable and unfair. This is your child just as much as his and you have just as much say in the name.  Don't be a doormat.

    I would think this if OP hadn't agreed to naming the child this years ago.  It might be a really important thing to him which is why he brought it up when they first met to make sure she was OK with it.  So her changing her AFTER getting pregnant and finding out they are having a son sounds a little selfish to me.

    Selfish is demanding your way no matter what. Demanding that the woman growing and giving birth to a baby be forced to name a child something she doesn't want to. People change. OP is allowed to change. Adults compromise.

    This.  I find it appalling that the significant other is holding her to something he told her he wanted when they first started dating.  What if she only had daughters, would he leave her for someone else to have a son because she agreed that he would have a 5th eventually?  

    I can't imagine my husband completely dismissing my feelings about something as important as my child's name, especially when it came to a very meaningful family member because I made a ridiculous promise on our first date.  Of course he wouldn't because he's not an egotistical douchebag.

    Well I guess I'm an egotistical doughebag then.  I told my XH that I wanted to have children, and that having them was really, really important to me.  I basically said this on our fourth date because if he didn't want kids, I wasn't going any further with the relationship as it had nowhere to go.  He said he did and seemed all gung-ho for it.  We got married but the moment it came to really start trying he changed his mind and said he didn't want kids anymore.  This was one of about 50 reasons I divorced him, but a really, really big reason.

    It's one thing to say something when you're young or whatever, but if someone states that something is important to them, and it's important enough to bring it up really early in a relationship, then to recant at the first possible chance seems very deceiving and not OK in my book.  Heck I even agreed to the whole name thing even though I hated it because I knew we could call our kid whatever I wanted, it didn't have to have anything to do with the name so what's the big deal to me?

    But, again, clearly I'm an egotistical douchebag.

    B born 7/15/13, C born 3/2/15, #3 on the way May '17


    I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up linked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond! I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive.

  • imageJCWhitey:
    imageBliss+Berry:
    imageblush64:
    imageJCWhitey:

    imageBlisrry:
    Your H is being selfish, unreasonable and unfair. This is your child just as much as his and you have just as much say in the name.  Don't be a doormat.

    I would think this if OP hadn't agreed to naming the child this years ago.  It might be a really important thing to him which is why he brought it up when they first met to make sure she was OK with it.  So her changing her AFTER getting pregnant and finding out they are having a son sounds a little selfish to me.

    Selfish is demanding your way no matter what. Demanding that the woman growing and giving birth to a baby be forced to name a child something she doesn't want to. People change. OP is allowed to change. Adults compromise.

    This.  I find it appalling that the significant other is holding her to something he told her he wanted when they first started dating.  What if she only had daughters, would he leave her for someone else to have a son because she agreed that he would have a 5th eventually?  

    I can't imagine my husband completely dismissing my feelings about something as important as my child's name, especially when it came to a very meaningful family member because I made a ridiculous promise on our first date.  Of course he wouldn't because he's not an egotistical douchebag.

    Well I guess I'm an egotistical doughebag then.  I told my XH that I wanted to have children, and that having them was really, really important to me.  I basically said this on our fourth date because if he didn't want kids, I wasn't going any further with the relationship as it had nowhere to go.  He said he did and seemed all gung-ho for it.  We got married but the moment it came to really start trying he changed his mind and said he didn't want kids anymore.  This was one of about 50 reasons I divorced him, but a really, really big reason.

    It's one thing to say something when you're young or whatever, but if someone states that something is important to them, and it's important enough to bring it up really early in a relationship, then to recant at the first possible chance seems very deceiving and not OK in my book.  Heck I even agreed to the whole name thing even though I hated it because I knew we could call our kid whatever I wanted, it didn't have to have anything to do with the name so what's the big deal to me?

    But, again, clearly I'm an egotistical douchebag.

    My sentiments exactly.

    Promises are promises in my book.

     
  • Apples and oranges comparison. The decision to have children, arguably one if not the most important decisions a couple will ever make, vs. Naming them? This situation isn't black and white, and things changed in her life when her grandfather died. I don't think it's fair to say "a promise is a promise". If this guy can't even get over "allowing" her to honor her grandfather by including his name, that is totally ridiculous in my book.

    It stinks that her grandfather passed away but my question is would it be more important to honor a grandfather or a promise made to your husband/the father of your child?

     
  • imageblush64:
    imageJCWhitey:

    imageBlisrry:
    Your H is being selfish, unreasonable and unfair. This is your child just as much as his and you have just as much say in the name.  Don't be a doormat.

    I would think this if OP hadn't agreed to naming the child this years ago.  It might be a really important thing to him which is why he brought it up when they first met to make sure she was OK with it.  So her changing her AFTER getting pregnant and finding out they are having a son sounds a little selfish to me.

    Selfish is demanding your way no matter what. Demanding that the woman growing and giving birth to a baby be forced to name a child something she doesn't want to. People change. OP is allowed to change. Adults compromise.

    I agree.

    She didn't sign a contract giving away naming rights. She simply went with a name years ago before becoming pregnant. I don't see how this makes her selfish for wanting to change...

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  • imageMamasighs:
    imageBliss+Berry:
    imageJCWhitey:

    Well I guess I'm an egotistical doughebag then.  I told my XH that I wanted to have children, and that having them was really, really important to me.  I basically said this on our fourth date because if he didn't want kids, I wasn't going any further with the relationship as it had nowhere to go.  He said he did and seemed all gung-ho for it.  We got married but the moment it came to really start trying he changed his mind and said he didn't want kids anymore.  This was one of about 50 reasons I divorced him, but a really, really big reason.

    It's one thing to say something when you're young or whatever, but if someone states that something is important to them, and it's important enough to bring it up really early in a relationship, then to recant at the first possible chance seems very deceiving and not OK in my book.  Heck I even agreed to the whole name thing even though I hated it because I knew we could call our kid whatever I wanted, it didn't have to have anything to do with the name so what's the big deal to me?

    But, again, clearly I'm an egotistical douchebag.

    Wow, talk about missing the point.  I don't know whether you are an egotistical douchebag.  Obtuse, clearly.  

    The fact that her SO won't even consider her feelings for the man who raised to the OP and who means so much to her is what makes him the egomaniac, simply because he wants to carry this tradition by rote and ignore the mother of the child's feelings.  


     

    I'm joining the fan club. Awesome and hilarious.

    Seriously, whether or not you wanted to have kids is definitely a deal breaker, but a name of a baby isn't. Would you be able to go to court saying that you had irreconcilable differences over a name or over whether or not kids were in your future. 

    Wow

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    BFP 1 - March 26, 2012, MMC discovered May 21, 2012
    BFP 2 - October 30, 2012, Rainbow Baby Boy born July 14, 2013
    TTC no sooner than November 2014
  • You both need to agree on a name - whether it includes anyone else or not.  Compromise compromise compromise
     
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
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